For those of you who had options, what made you pick the SAHP life?

[evilbeans]

@hew0007 For context, I'm a registered nurse. I hated working in the hospital. I lost my desire to be a career mom when I graduated college and started working in the real world. I enjoyed what I did for work and found it fulfilling, but I quickly became disillusioned with the state of healthcare in the US.

I'd always pictured myself as a very hands on parent. When our son was first born, I only worked two days a week. But my heart was at home, not at the hospital. I hated missing even the smallest parts of my son's childhood. I struggled being away from him to deal with the horrific, abusive working conditions and abuse I faced at the hospital. To be clear, it was healthcare administration that ruined it for me, not the patients. For the most part, my patients were ok. But still, my most challenging day at home was still better than my best day at work.

When our son was 3, we decided he would be an only child. One of my concessions was that if he was going to be our only child, I did not want to miss out on one more day of his childhood. I walked away from the bedside and never looked back.

Now that DS is nearly 10 and in school, I have found ways to use my nursing knowledge and experience that don't require me to work at the bedside. I'm a lot less stressed knowing I can be fully present for him.

 

[ladybee]

@hew0007 I didn't choose it until I was already doing it. My husband's job took us overseas and although my job transferred all over the US, overseas was too far. So I resigned and we moved and I decided to do like the countries with great maternity leave and take a year to be at home with my child. But the plan was definitely to find something because there was no way that I could be a SAHP. It just didn't match with what I needed for myself. Then when a year was almost up, I realized I had changed. I loved staying home. My priorities shifted pretty dramatically. Previously, I took a lot of self worth from doing my job and doing it well. But I didn't care anymore. I still don't. I'll eventually return to work when both my kids are in school but it's just for the paycheck. Nothing else.

But your situation is very different! My job would have continued as is with some changes here and there but nothing huge. I'm not in acadamia but I know a little about it and this is big. It's quite possible that this opportunity may not happen again. Are you the praying sort? If so, definitely pray on it or meditate or make lists to figure out where you are most drawn and where you may have your largest regret. And then make your decision and take comfort that you made the best decision for you with the information you had at the time.

 

[jfd]

@hew0007 I have a PhD so I’m familiar with the career path. One of the reasons I’m a sahm is because I was so burnt out and dissatisfied. Didn’t like teaching, didn’t like research. If I didn’t have my daughter during the pandemic I’d probably be working on a career pivot. On the flip side I had always fantasized about being a sahm but just didn’t assume I’d find the right person to make that happen so I worked on my PhD anyway.

If you enjoy academia I’d consider staying or at least continue pursuing the tenure track position. See if you actually get an offer and what the details are. It’s true your baby is little but you will have more flexibility in academia. On the other hand you’ll be so busy since academia is so demanding even if it’s not a 9-5 schedule. But if your area is your passion I think it’s worth seeing if you can make it work. The kids will be school age in a blink of an eye and you’ll have kept a career that is satisfying, and has scheduling flexibility to attend their extracurricular events, and extra money to support their extracurriculars and education funds.

Again, on the other hand, I’ve met many sahps who have left very high demanding and prestigious careers and seem very happy with their choice. If you feel this is the right path for you go for it. But once you decide, don’t dwell on the alternate path. Let it go and enjoy!

 

[hew0007]

@jfd Thanks for the perspective, and talking through both sides. I often feel burnt out though I do generally enjoy the work, I'm concerned because I know once I'm TT the expectations will be even higher. But I wouldn't get the flexibility or job security anywhere else if I leave academia and go to industry in x years. I'm already dwelling and I haven't even made a decision yet haha.

 

[ryannate]

@hew0007 I was a high school teacher before my kids. I always subscribed to the "replaceable at work, irreplaceable at home" motto, especially after Covid when everything seemed to change in education. I was getting burnt out (for the millionth time), and I knew I didn't have the energy to be a good teacher and a good mom. Something would have to give, and it couldn't be my family.

That being said, things always happen for a reason, so if you feel like this is a stars aligning opportunity, you should go for it! I think since you're already working and have worked throughout parenthood, you wouldn't be shaking up your family's entire world. I think you'll regret it if you don't at least try. If it doesn't work out, then there's your sign.

 

[boundbygrace]

@hew0007 I had a good job with descent income, but I just can’t give my baby to anyone when he is so small. Yes, I’m overprotective and anxious. But I feel that it benefits my child, he really likes to spend time with me, although it’s not always as high-quality time as I would like to provide... The situation may change when he starts to talk, but now I don’t trust other people enough to give them a baby who can’t even tell if something is wrong.

Thankfully, my job is not going to rust anytime soon, so I can go back whenever I want.

 

[felipaelias]

@hew0007 When I thought about how few hours a day I would spend with my kids after work, that did it for me.

 

[ayodun22]

@hew0007 Not in a a super similar situation but will give my input.

Currently a sahp. Prior to this I was in a very stable medical career but given our location and the hours, I chose to be at home among some other reasons. DH income provides well but limited flexibility so my salary doesn’t add much if you figure the cost of full time daycare and factor in call outs for when kids are sick. I could advance in my career to some degree but it would never be a huge financial gain due to our location. I know we would feel differently if my career would change the trajectory of our finances in the future. If you have a once in a lifetime opportunity I would personally take it and then see how you feel.
Sahp life is incredibly difficult if you have no childcare options at all imo but that would depend on your financial situation.

 

[dusty68]

@hew0007 I like hanging out with my kids

 

[loreec]

@hew0007 I couldn’t fathom dropping our son off at daycare. Or paying to do so.

Plus I am an etsy seller and do closet resale so I have plenty of expendable cash of my own but only have to spend about 3-4 hours a week to make that happen. It’s a win/win for me to be at home. Plus I can be a better wife and my husband is so much happier. He gets fresh food when he comes in the door and lunches made for work. He gets to relax more, so do I, and I already see the payoff on our toddler from me being around so often. He is the most well-behaved two year old I have ever seen and can be taken anywhere, all day, without a fuss. Tantrums are fixed with a hug.

 

[kjersti]

@hew0007 I had the choice, and I knew I couldn't mental game being a mom and working at the same time. Glad some people can, but my mind would just never be on whatever I was supposed to be doing.

Also, I hate having to do chores on the weekends/nights.

I do also like spending time with my kids, but for me it was a life balance thing. And my kids are pretty cute.

Editing to add: I am a super old mom, like.. I'm 43 and I have a 1 year old and a kindergartener. SO I don't plan to go back to work at all, but also I had worked for a very long time before I had kids.

 

[dutchvw]

@hew0007 That’s such a tough decision!

Personally, I am convinced that the under 3 crowd thrives when they have a primary caregiver who can provide them with lots of love and attention. In a daycare setting, no matter how good the center, you’re simply not going to get the same care with the type of ratios allowed. In my state, your 7m old would be one of four babies, and your 3yo one of 15. That is so many children, and no matter how wonderful the caregiver, numbers alone will dictate that your child will not get the same love and attention as they would at home. If you peruse she science based parenting subreddit, there is a lot of evidence based info on daycare.

I don’t believe it has to be mom at home, though. Dad, or a helpful grandparent, could also provide excellent care. In our case, my partner made so much more that it made sense for me to stay home. If this wasn’t possible, I’d try to find a nanny or nanny share; evidence shows that’s the second best option!

I hope this doesn’t come off as judgmental. We all have our preferences, but obviously there are lots of babies that go to daycare and “turn out” just fine! I hope you’re able to find the best solution for your family.

 

[hew0007]

@dutchvw Thanks for sharing your perspective. I agree, the ratios are unfortunate. I do really love the daycare workers though we are so lucky to have found them. My 3y was a really tough baby, he was always crying unless he was being carried. I would have been scared to send him, which is part of why I didn't. But now in daycare he's really thriving he loves it there. My 7m is a happy dude, I'm not worried about him I just miss him terribly. If I SAHP I would send both kids to half day preschool at age 3+ since it's available for a low cost in my town compared to the very high cost full day daycare.

 

[dutchvw]

@hew0007 That makes sense! Half day preschool is an absolute god send. I’ve started each of my kids around 2.5ish and it’s amazing.

 

[deborahl5255]

@hew0007 I’m super close to getting my professional engineering license after getting my bachelors and masters in engineering and passing the licensing exam. I know it might be tricky to get back into work when I’m ready/when my kids are in school, but I wouldn’t trade my time at home with them for anything.

 

[easy1]

@hew0007 My son hated daycare. He cried every day for 11 months despite having caring teachers and a fun environment (my daughter went to this daycare for years with no issues). My corporate job was stressful, and it was affecting my mental and physical health. I also wasn’t a fan of going into the office 2 days a week.

It sounds like your kids love daycare and you have a clear path for growth at work. If I was in your position, the decision to stay at home would be tough. I will say I’m in a much better place health wise and am so grateful for this extra time with my kids.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[etheri]

@hew0007 Honestly, the career opportunity sounds like an amazing thing. I would definitely weigh the pros and cons of your career vs staying home.

My original intention was to be a working mom. I’m also in the higher education field (I work on the administrative side of things, not in academics). I had my first born right when COVID happened—and I also happened to be living in MA, where the first outbreak was reported (happened at the hotel right down the street from where I worked in Boston). After everything shut down, my work started laying people off, and I unfortunately was one of those laid off. My husband and I had a long talk, and at the time, decided I’d stay home with our first born since Covid was unknown, daycares were shutting down, and there was a hiring freeze at the universities around here.

When things started getting better, we decided I’d just stay home. My husband moved up within his company and was making enough that we could financially afford to keep me home, and even if I were able to snag another job, 3/4 of my paycheck would go straight to childcare. So I’ve been home ever since. I had a second child, and my first born is now in morning preschool, but I also was able to take on a part time remote job with Harvard. My contract with Harvard runs up at the end of February, and unfortunately I won’t be renewing it. As much as I loved being able to go back to work part time, my younger one has now reached an age where working and taking care of him is just not possible. I’ll look into part time work again when the younger one is old enough for school!

 

[hew0007]

@etheri Timing is a funny thing, it's an amazing opportunity I just hate that it's coming when my littles are so little. I know passing this up means probably leaving the field forever since I wouldn't make sense to relocate for my job. Part-time remote work sounds amazing, and it sounds like you've made the most of it when it worked for you.

 

[etheri]

@hew0007 So I spent so much time working at my career that I didn’t even have my first born until I was in my mid 30s. When discussing staying at home, the logic I have is that there will always be career opportunities coming and going for me. But my children will only be children for so long. I decided I’d rather cherish that short amount of time and snag another opportunity in the future than regret missing out on key moments of their childhood.

 

[mark_cb]

@hew0007 My degree is in secondary education. I hadn't had a classroom of my own yet when I got pregnant. I had just gotten married. So I started looking into child care in my area versus starter teacher pay. I would have had an extra $500 a year if I went to work. That didn't seem worth it I was going to have all of that anxiety, kill myself working so hard as a new teacher, while also trying to take care of a newborn and and our lifestyle would not have been significantly improved.

I stay at home now because my husband has had so many raises that now I can look for something I actually want to do