My husband offered me an out yesterday

[nsurridge]

@pkhaney Never ever marry a cop.
The whole thing sounds dodgy as hell. Methinks he is having an affair.

 

[katrina2017]

@pkhaney I (female) worked in law enforcement for 10 years. I think he’s cheating . It’s so rampant in the field sadly. He’s looking for something on you so that he came blame you and have it end so he can go with whoever the side piece is.

 

[katrina2017]

@pkhaney I have anxiety and also an anxious attachment. It’s not a great combination and when something triggers it, it makes me become someone that sounds very similar to how your husband is acting. I’m not sure if this is what he’s experiencing, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s having an affair. It’s good he’s in therapy. Maybe go together?

 

[lostgirlsp]

@pkhaney Wow I think it’s amazing that he has this much insight on his own emotions. His job has a high burnout rate. He sounds like he may even have some postpartum depression/anxiety himself. Can you guys hire a baby sitter so you can connect as a couple once in a while? I know it seems hard with young kids and his schedule, but it could really help. It’s great he is increasing time with his therapist. Maybe you guys could also try couples counseling. My husband and I did it and it helped so much

 

[reallayman01]

@pkhaney How much sleep is this man getting a night/day? It sounds like he’s spending almost every waking hour at work. Lack of sleep can fuck you up. I went through a period of insomnia is my 20’s and I was damn near a psychotic break.

I don’t think his offer of an out is cheating, unless there’s some other evidence. Sounds like he’s depressed, not enjoying the effects of this job, might want to quit but he’s dragged you and the kids away from home, and you guys are thriving there while he’s struggling. It’s often easier to admit defeat rather than admit a mistake.

 

[amandalucia]

@pkhaney Anyway you guys can manage with him working less? If we assume nothing nefarious is going on, I think it’s quite possible the schedule is burning him out. I’ve worked overnights before and it’s not for me. It makes me depressed, feels like I’m missing out on the world/life.

 

[juliah]

@pkhaney Men can have PP depression and anxiety as well. Sounds to me like he may be having this and not understanding what’s happening.

 

[ifnotforthecross7]

@pkhaney honestly sounds like this guys is so burned out what he does over night shift and does overtime, yeah maybe the weight of it all may be getting to him

 

[wren84]

@pkhaney I hate to say it but I think he went through your stuff because he’s hiding some stuff of his own. People tend to be paranoid on the same stuff they’re doing,

 

[lala1212]

@pkhaney LEO wife here. Lots going on, but I think the main culprit is freaking night shift. Night shift and rotating shifts are brutal. It’s not how our bodies work. It creates a huge disconnect when you have a family. He needs more sleep outside of the weekends. If you’re financially able, I think the extra job needs to go. Is he able to get day shift or even a swing shift (ie mine does 10a-10p)? Nights off are really lonely and I’m sure it’s not helping his frame of mind. It’s also very lonely as a wife/mother. I remember feeling very much like a single parent because he was either gone or sleeping while I had 2 babies running around that I had to keep quiet.

I can’t speak for your husband, but I know that mine is vigilant 24/7. Even though he’s not at work, he’s thinking like he’s at work and that’s exhausting to never really relax. Mine also has PTSD from witnessing suicides by various methods, fatal car crashes, domestic violence with and without children involved, etc etc. That really messes with someone and I’m glad to hear that your husband is in therapy. Agree that he needs to be going weekly.

Last, it sounds like he feels guilty for being basically absent and/or he is experiencing burnout. Was in in law enforcement in your hometown? Does he want to move back? Does he want out of LE altogether? What do you want now that he’s brought it up? This is a chance for an open dialogue.

 

[angloholic]

@pkhaney You're both super unhappy. You seem to be in denial about it. He should switch shifts in the meantime and change industries, get into therapy for PTSD.

 

[chrissyparla28]

@pkhaney I was in a serious relationship with a police officer once upon a time and the emotional toll was too much. The things you describe were very much my life. We were two ships passing in the night. I worked a high pressure job (like you do as a SAHM) and he was absolutely burned out

He could not turn off. No matter what. A little jumpy, always scanning restaurants and stores for threats. Unable to be present. Antsy on airplanes and trains. He absolutely had PTSD from work and he couldn’t talk to me about what he was seeing daily. He also wouldn’t get therapy and that was our deal breaker.

So, all of that stress and being on high alert with the added pressure of the night shift is a dangerous combination for your spouse. Then, add in feeling absent from his family and being unable to spend time with his wife, who made huge sacrifices, and his kids.

He’s dealing with a lot. I’m not making excuses for him. I understand your trust was broken. I don’t think he’s being unfaithful. I think he’s suffering from PTSD and depressed.

Please reach out if you want to talk more.

 

[phija]

@pkhaney Sounds like his body/mind can’t handle the night shifts. Working nights can really mess people up. I’m thinking his paranoia might just be from that sleep deprivation and stress.

It sounds like things won’t get better until he changes his schedule.

 

[supernatural311]

@pkhaney If you haven’t already, read The Emotional Survival of Law Enforcement.

 

[katrina2017]

@pkhaney My ♡!!!
I think its great he was able to identify the issue and communicate it. I dont have a solution but I wanna cheer yall on. The care is palpable.

 

[oghenekevbe]

@pkhaney Your husband seems very unhappy with his home life. How are you feeling? It seems like he’s not acting like a partner, you don’t spend time with him and are caring for almost all household and child rearing tasks. Are you happy?

 

[postcard]

@pkhaney Speaking as someone who has close family in law enforcement… times are rough there. Even if he loves his dept, it’s rough. I don’t want to be too specific for privacy concerns (we’ve had death threats before), but I can’t even begin to describe the PTSD my family member suffers from everything he’s been through on the job.

Now add all that to completely screwing his sleep schedule, moving and having a new baby. Men can get postpartum depression too, and he’s experiencing hyperviligance already. It’s a good thing he’s starting to see someone.

Now all that to say, it doesn’t excuse what he did. And you do say you both suck at communicating, so it may be worth exploring couples therapy to work on that. But I think the first steps are making sure you clearly communicate that you are happy, but he betrayed your trust by sneaking behind your back and going through all your stuff. It’s impossible not to be paranoid with his job, but the correct way to handle it would’ve been, “I know this is crazy but I’m really struggling here. Can you show me your phone? I need to see for myself right now.” And most definitely he owes you an apology at this point.

 

[kww]

@pkhaney LEO WIFE HERE, now this does not go for everyone but my husband is a stand up man. He is honest and would never be unfaithful so I am giving my advice based on what ive seen with my husband:

Being an LEO wife (or partner) is tough because they see things that are unimaginable. They see dead children, dead pregnant women, women and kids who just got beat up by their fathers and it severely harms their brain. Imagine working in that environment seeing a dead baby then coming home to your 5 month old. Its not easy and severely messes with with their mental health. Its a great sign he started therapy, everyone is suggesting affair but honestly I’ve seen the breakdowns with my husband and it always is that he feels that with his mental health he is a bad husband and father and we deserve better HE DOESNT WANT TO LEAVE, HE IS NOT CHEATING but he feels guilty about the PTSD and the life he lives thinking a banker doing 9-5 would be better for me (not true). Therapy will help, but mostly with time he will get better at coming home and turning it off, having a good quiet spot to decompress after work is ideal…think a home gym, going for a run or maybe a gaming room where he can process the work day before going into dad mode. I know thats awful as the wife because you wait for him to come home to help, but part of being the supportive partner and wife is to keep him moving forward and help his house feel like a safe space so he can take over and you get me time.

It takes time, this job is not for everyone, id honestly recommend YOU find a therapist who specializes in first responder’s as well, me and my husband each individually see 911/first responder therapists to work on our relationship. I just want everyone to remember, first responders are a different brand of spouse, it takes sacrifice on both ends… he is sacrificing his mental health to pay the bills while you sacrifice your sanity at home. This goes for fire, ems, police and ER med staff!

 

[pkhaney]

@kww I love this. Thank you! He really is a wonderful person who’s in a tough spot right now. It’s so easy for me to turn and said “im struggling too, I need me time too.” Which is true! But I think it’s clear he’s struggling with mental health issues and I am not. Honestly, I get less sleep than he does! But im not “nocturnal” like our kindergartener like to say.

He handled a call over a dead 2 month old while our son was 2 months as well. I asked if this was still affecting him. He said it is not bothering him as much as when he first took the call so when he started therapy I assumed it was for work related issues but it turns out he’s going to help with home life. He didn’t tell me that part when he first told me about therapy.

He’s a terrible communicator and I am also. Moving to a new place, adding a new human to our family, him making the money…I think it’s just too much for him and im allowing a lot of things to slide since he is sole provider.

 

[acaudpdrkkl2015]

@pkhaney Even if he gets more hours sleep, you camt underestimate how impactful it is having the sleep at the "wrong" time of day. He sounds like he's really struggling with night shift & crying out for help/change. I'd strongly encourage afternoons. It'll help his physical & mental health, and you'll end up with more quality family time & it'll feel like he sees your daughter more even if it doesn't seem that way now.