My husband offered me an out yesterday

[rhonda51]

@pkhaney Yeah this sounds like projection to me. Usually spouses who suddenly don’t trust their partner are feeling uneasy because they are the ones doing something wrong. My first instinct is that he’s having an affair.

 

[pkhaney]

@rhonda51 This seems to be the first time he’s really dove into my social media. Im like dude just take my phone and look through it? Why try to go through a computer to log into all my shit? Sketchy for sure

 

[rhonda51]

@pkhaney Maybe you guys just need to carve out some time to sit and really discuss what’s going on. Or maybe do couples therapy?

 

[pkhaney]

@rhonda51 We both suckkkkk with communication so I agree the more we talk about the issue at hand the better. And having two kids makes it hard to have alone time to talk as many people here know lol

 

[acaudpdrkkl2015]

@pkhaney Why is the computer more sketchy than the phone?

All these people talking about cheating seem to be totally discounting the night shift.

If he were working ordinary hours with some OT, his actions would seem really odd. But given he's on night shift & it's clearly messing with him - feing foggy and overwhelmed - this just seems like someone who's not coping and is worried you are unhappy (or maybe hopes you are so he'll have reason for change from this night shift hell).

What he (and all of you) needs is an out from night shift.

 

[cathgirl]

@rhonda51 This is true. My husband suddenly got suspicious of me cheating, turns out he was cheating.

 

[shageo]

@pkhaney He is obviously very stressed out, possibly depressed and in denial of it. See if his job offers counseling. I would assume they do, being an officer is very stressful and they deal with traumatizing stuff all the time. Try to get down to the root of it before you start thinking it’s something worse than him just having a hard time adjusting.

 

[singlestuggler]

@shageo I feel sad that most of the comments are assuming he's cheating when all signs that I see point to major depression.

 

[hlcorn3]

@singlestuggler Agreed.

 

[hilda]

@pkhaney I can’t reply to this right now but in a couple hours I will. I have been in a very similar situation with law enforcement night hours husband and young kids. It was HARD. They are out of their mind on that schedule no matter how much sleep they get. Good for him getting therapy, and for you giving him confidence that you are in with him. He’s seeing lots of dark things every day and his body is putting him into a difficult mental state bc of the sleep issues. My husband and I are now happily married 14 years with three little kids, it gets better! I’ll write more when I have a chance. Unless you are in a law enforcement family, you just can’t totally understand it (I know you do understand OP).

 

[arnee]

@hilda All of this. Police officers on nightshift are walking zombies. It takes a toll on their mental health, their physical health, their social lives, home lives, everything. It sounds to me like he is depressed and having a hard time adjusting to the job and the schedule. I don’t have advice. We are in the same boat and my husband is trying to get out of it. It’s HARD.

 

[jamesishappy]

@pkhaney So not only is he clearly not meant for night shifts, but he’s trying to literally police you by investigating you, screening your personal stuff, and violating your privacy. He’s abusing his “authority”, and it sounds like he’s projecting his own issues. It sounds like he’s not the right fit not only for the shift, but the job itself. I would take it as a huge red flag. That suspicion he’s already acting on it is only going to escalate as he sees more on the job.

 

[scribeguy2017]

@jamesishappy I feel like he’ll also get more creative with his ways of “checking on” her. The methods will get more complicated/lucrative—like a tracker on her car

 

[jamesishappy]

@scribeguy2017 Oh absolutely. And if he’s deleting stuff, it goes to show he has no issue manipulating circumstances and will probably end up planting or framing shit later down the line.

 

[forest26184]

@jamesishappy This is the correct answer!

 

[ygk]

@pkhaney Please be careful he is not giving you an out because there is someone else. It would explain the linking everything. It makes it easier to track if you have caught on to him or are communicating with anyone about something you have found or someone (side piece) trying to make contact with you.

I greatly value our men and women in law enforcement and the sacrifices they and their families make. However, I also have several family members who are in law enforcement and they will tell you, it is ripe with infidelity. There are a lot of badge bunnies, not to mention, many of the officers themselves are having affairs with each other.

 

[pkhaney]

@ygk I don’t think he’s cheating…I think. And if he was he’s definitely hiding it. He’s always home if he’s not at work. He gets held over sometimes for a few hours in the morning but he comes right into bed with me. Doesn’t shower off or anything when he’s home. He’s on the extra board so he will go in an hour early sometimes..there is space for him to be lying to me but I don’t think he is..but fuck if I’ll look past it.

 

[lexlovette]

@pkhaney I’m so sorry but after having been cheated on by my ex husband who I never expected was capable of it, and looking back with 20/20 vision, this is really screaming at least emotional affair to me. My ex was always at work or with me, but he found the time during his working hours to see her. Projection onto you of cheating, projection onto you of being unhappy and wanting out. If he’s doing it, he thinks you must be too because if not that makes him a bad person, and he’s trying to convince himself he’s not a bad person. I’m not saying he is! But I wouldn’t let this go until you find out where these accusations are really coming from.

 

[michael1127]

@pkhaney My husband was going in an hour early to fit in his gym time. Turns out it was an affair. She knew about the and had no problem with him coming for the 1 hour before work. While I thought he was at the gym. I was pregnant and it lasted my whole pregnancy. He flipped out one day saying he wanted a divorce cause he was unhappy ( depressed ) and I was fighting for my marriage thinking he was having a bout of depression. Found out about the girl after she liked the birth photo of my son on his insta.
I hope yours isn't cheating,but don't rule anything out. I was totally blind sided and we worked through it( still not sure if that's the right choice for me) but I will never put anything as a " he would never" again.

 

[jenjen486]

@pkhaney Could be cheating on you with someone within the department? It’s the gut feeling I got when you were explaining the long hours away from home, disengagement with family even when he’s home, and the phone and laptop scream that he’s projecting his own insecurities onto you