Husband won’t open a joint account…. Thoughts?

[pr0cessa]

I am a stay at home mom. I was a working from home mom before and I have been a stay at home mom since December. My husband still hasn’t opened a joint account. I told him if I couldn’t have joint access and equal say where money goes, I will get a job. I don’t want to sacrifice income and a voice on retirement, savings, etc. He got upset with me when I said that. He says I have equal access because if I want to buy something, I can. But that means… he will buy it for me. He wants to give me his debit card IF he doesn’t need it that day instead or Apple Pay me or Venmo me
If he does. There have been times I couldn’t get coffee with my sister or something
Because I didn’t have a bank card. My daughter asked for a $3 treat the other day and I had to say no. He has promised multiple times after arguments he will add me to the bank account. Probably 5-10 times over 5 months. Then decides on his own he will just venmo pay me instead. He told me last week he was adding me to the bank. Then told me today when I travel without him in a few months, he will send me and the kids money through Apple Pay. I just find it weird.

I think it’s really odd to stay at home and be Venmo’d. I know some do. I hate feeling like a teenager to my husband and hate feeling like I have no power or voice. I hate that I am sacrificing security. My mom is a stay at home mom and became a stay at home grandma for my sisters kids. She always has equal access. Whether she made $0 or 15k on side hustles.

Is this odd to anyone else???

 

[sarah6722]

@pr0cessa Yes. This is textbook financial abuse.

 

[florence46]

@sarah6722 I absolutely agree. I worked as a paralegal at a non-profit DV Org. and saw this abuse perpetrated often. I've also first hand been in an abusive marriage where I was not

Edit to add: added to the bank account. It was inevitably used against me in hostility.

 

[franktrc]

@sarah6722 I'm not on my husband's bank account because he's conjoined with his families (they have perks or something) but he added me onto his credit cards, and gave me the bank password so I can venmo myself whenever I want. OPs husband is holding all the control.

 

[shatter94]

@franktrc I'm not even a SAHM currently and I still have access to all my husband's accounts. I can send myself money whenever I need.

 

[not_a_unicorn]

@sarah6722 Ding ding ding

 

[melanie2002]

@pr0cessa Financial abuse. He's controlling/manipulating you, and this is not a healthy, safe or normal situation. What will you do when the control escalates and you don't have money for a cab/hotel/food to leave? Do you have family you can ask for help?

 

[katrina2017]

@pr0cessa This comes up so often in this sub and it is never ok.

There is more than one way to manage finances when one partner is a stay at home parent, but they all involve transparency and mutual agreement. That's not what's going on here. He's being very controlling.

 

[juns]

@pr0cessa This is absolutely weird and I’d consider it a security risk. You can’t be the primary parent and have no access to funds. I check in with my husband if I’m going to make an unnecessary purchase, like something I want but we could live without, as a courtesy and to get his opinion, and he even finds it strange that I do that. Access to funds is absolutely essential.

 

[matthew01]

@juns Same

 

[saltlamp]

@pr0cessa

I just find it weird.

Yup, it is. Perhaps he's trying to hide financial information for some reason. Perhaps it is a form of control. Or perhaps it's just laziness and he doesn't want to go through the steps to make it happen. But it's weird. For a SAHP dynamic to work, there needs to be teamwork and equal trust. If that's not happening (and it sounds like it's not), then you should absolutely take steps to go back to work.

 

[aftergodsheart]

@saltlamp Thanks for offering a few examples why he wouldn’t want to do it. I was at a complete loss what motivates a person to do this to their spouse.

 

[tanananana]

@pr0cessa Yes, it is. My husband and I have been on a joint account since before we were married. I've always had my own debit card and equal access, and that didn't change after I started staying home. I do all our household purchasing and make sure all the bills are paid, and we discuss out of the ordinary spending, but I certainly don't need his "permission" to buy things or have to wait on or depend on him to give me money.

A SAHP that has to ask permission from their spouse for money/doesn't have their own access to money/receives an allowance like a child is being financially abused. You need your own equal access to money, not just using his card or receiving an allowance like a child subject to his whims.

 

[backhillday]

@pr0cessa As a SAHP, you need to at least have access to one account. That’s complete financial abuse if you can’t even buy groceries or buy your little one something.

I’m also assuming you don’t have access to the accounts or any way to check them? I’m a SAHM and it’s very important in my marriage for us both to have access to all accounts so we know how we’re doing and we know how close we are to our next financial goal(s).

 

[manoffear]

@pr0cessa If he’s going to treat you like an employee who needs expenses reimbursed (with approval), start charging him hourly nanny rates and for cooking and housecleaning.

 

[beahealthyperson]

@manoffear This. Send him an itemized invoice for everything you do. Insist on a date for payment via direct deposit to your account. Don’t relent, he needs to learn your value and have some goddamn respect.

 

[ghex]

@pr0cessa It would be so easy for him to add you to his accounts and get you a card if he wanted to. He clearly doesn’t want to for whatever reason. This isn’t normal at all.

Also, does he wait for you to need money to actually give it to you? He won’t even make sure you have some emergency money on you? Do you even have a credit card or anything??

 

[jenalise]

@ghex This. He’s your husband. So unless he’s planning on leaving or he’s hiding something, there’s no reason for this level of control and financial abuse.

He could at least make you an authorized user on the account if he’s adamant about no joint account so you can have your own card and access to funds for whatever needs come up. But even that is a bit weird IMO. It’s just better than no access at all.

 

[yaoshi]

@pr0cessa This is financial abuse OP and it’s not normal or okay. Honestly it’s time for an ultimatum.

What if your child gets sick and you don’t have the means to pay for a doctor/ER or medicine? There are a number of scenarios like this, but just in general, you should have equal access to family money. If he isn’t willing to give you that, it’s definitely time to get a job AND a divorce lawyer.

 

[cecole74]

@pr0cessa Coming from my experience, your husband is hiding something.

My husband was the same. Every time I brought up the conversation of a joint account he’d say “yeah sure we’ll do it” but then would never actually get it done. I had to keep pushing and prodding and it was driving me crazy. He wasn’t nasty about it, he just seemed kinda nervous and dismissive every time I brought it up.

Turns out he had a gambling problem he was hiding from me and was extremely embarrassed and didn’t know how to deal with all the debt he’d got himself in.

We worked through it. He went to therapy for gambling addiction and luckily this was while I was still working full time (before kids) so I had a good amount of savings in my own account that I used to pay off his debts. He closed out all of his old accounts and I closed out mine, we started fresh with a new joint account that all of our payments go in & out of. No more secrets.