Dads breaking generational abuse, how do you discipline your kids?

[dana1]

@valleygalforchrist Was about to say I'm just barely feeling my 4 y/o has a sliver of rationality. No way I would have subjected myself that with a 2 y/o

 

[valleygalforchrist]

@dana1 When my son was four we signed him up for a sports sampler and it was like wrangling cats. The kids would chase each other and sit on the floor and play with the cones. We didn’t do t-ball but my friends who did said the kids would often be rolling around in the dugout and playing in the sand between their turns.

 

[dana1]

@valleygalforchrist I think we are waiting for 5+ for any sports activities. We have soccer and t-ball at home and he quickly loses interest.

The only thing we've been doing since 6-months is swim lessons; 30 minutes once a week.

 

[ronit]

@valleygalforchrist I feel like classes like these are supposed to accomplish three things: teach kids the basics of what their doing, teach them to listen to direction, and for them to have fun. It’s hard for me to stay composed with my son when he’s not doing what he’s supposed to be doing, but if you come down too hard, they won’t have fun, and it’ll ruin any future they have with that activity. When I put my kids enjoyment as my top priority, then I am able to be more relaxed, and everyone has fun.

We had soccer practice today, and my boy missed his nap, so we struggled. It was tough for me, because he didn’t want to be there, but we got through it with no hurt feelings. It’s not always easy, but staying calm is super important.

 

[godlovesme_andimbent]

@valleygalforchrist I needed to do this with my girl at swimming. For some reason I had convinced myself that everyone else had kids that only did what they were supposed to. Next class I had a plan about not caring about what my daughter did, and study what other parents did. All the other kids were the exact same. But I was so focused on my daughter that I filled in the blanks on everyone else. After this swimming has become much more enjoyable. I basically solely view as quality time for me and my daughter to get comfortable in water, not learning anything specific.

 

[valleygalforchrist]

@godlovesme_andimbent Yes! It’s also important to remember that kids develop differently and that kids with a lot of older siblings (and thus seasoned parents as well) will often be able to do these types of things earlier. It does not mean you’re a bad parent or that your kid is defective! There’s also a selection bias happening in these classes: if you know your kid is not ready for that kind of participation, you’re not bringing them.

 

[one4given1]

@valleygalforchrist Yes! My girl is almost 3 and she won't stick to a task for more than 10-15 minutes. And I'm fine with it, I won't expect her to follow a class at this age. Some kids do, but most don't. I just want her to have fun.

 

[garnett64]

@utay62 At 2 years old your son may not be ready for an organized gymnastics class. There is no shame in that. Some kids can handle it and some can not. You handled it the right way by removing him from a situation he could not succeed in.

I don't yell or punish. We have rules and set limits. There are consequence for breaking those rules. As toddlers if they threw a toy then the toy was temporarily placed in timeout. If they hit or bit their sibling then they had to apologize and go get ice for their sibling. If didn't matter if ice was needed or not, but it allowed me to separate them, comfort the victim, and gave the hitter/biter a peace offering. As they got older we were able to keep the same style of parenting. If they stayed up too late after bedtime then the consequence was going to school tired the next day. If they put a hole in the wall after kicking a soccer ball in the house then they helped me patch up that hole. We sat with them, explained what rules were broken, talked to them about the consequences and/or how they could fix it. We also let them know any time they got a new freedom or responsibility (staying home by themselves, no more screen time limits, etc) it was because we trusted them but if they showed us that they couldn't handle it then we would have to step back in to help them until they were more responsible. That was a huge motivation to both of my kids. As a result we never had an issue with lying. They knew that was the easiest way to ruin trust and ruining trust meant less freedom. If they lied about brushing their teeth then that meant they needed supervision again until I could trust them to do it themselves. I'd say we mostly relied on natural or logical consequences to their actions, talked a lot, and highly valued trust/honesty.

My kids are older teens (19 and 17) and the teen years have been wonderful. They are great kids and neither have any behavioral issues. We avoided all of the issues I see parents talk about (sneaking out, drinking/smoking, drugs, bad grades or skipping school, etc). They are turning into great young adults and we have a very close relationship. If they messed up then they told us and we dealt with it.

 

[utay62]

@garnett64 Thanks for the advice from a seasoned dad! Yeah I’m also realizing this is the only hour all week that he actually has to follow instructions in an organized class. The rest of the time he gets to boss me, his mom and other adults around, within reason, but nobody is asking him to play w his toys in this exact format at this exact time.

 

[apocolyptica]

@utay62 When he is ready for a structured activity then be prepared to be amazed by how much better he listens to the coach than you. I can’t teach my kids shit, but give them an hour with a coach…

 

[emilythunder]

@utay62 Based on other comments it sounds like a Gymboree or my gym class. Those are perfectly acceptable for kids his age and are a good way to start introducing structure.

 

[ace75]

@utay62 This reply is quality advice. I wouldn’t worry too much about this, it seems pretty normal toddler behaviour.

There is a guide on the child mind institute website about dealing with challenging behaviour which could really help you https://childmind.org/guide/parents-guide-to-problem-behavior/

Look up PACE by Dan Huges. It is a parenting style to help form positive behaviour patterns.

Also I would recommend you do some googling around attachment styles and how to form healthy attachment with your child - not strictly an answer to your question but it will help wonders with overcoming the ‘cycle’ of parenting passed down to you.

Go forth and conquer my man. The willingness to break the cycle is the best thing you will ever do for your child so you have already figured out the most important bit.

 

[lylacrose]

@garnett64 Excellent!! This is almost exactly how I am currently raising my kids (4yo and 2yo) and I was worried whether it would work long term. It sounds like it's working out quite well for you, and they're teenagers! This gives me so much hope.

One of our house rules is that if you hit someone with something, that something gets taken away.

Currently we're working on sharing. As soon as one kid starts playing with something, the other wants to steal it and a fight ensues. So it's timers, timers, timers. You get it for 5 minutes, then they get it, etc. If you hit or use force to take the toy from your sibling then you automatically lose (don't get the toy for as long as the other wants it.)

 

[sessizada]

@garnett64 You sound like a terrific parent! Hope I’m like that when my daughter grows up

 

[nordwin]

@garnett64 I am using this same technique and I also think it's working. Mine are still very young but they seem to be responding.

Refuse to hit cuz I came from an ass beating home. It worked but I feel like I can do better

 

[prodgaldotter]

@utay62 When my older sister and I were young my dad taught us ‘the rule.’ When she and I were rambunctious in a store or not behaving he could easily get our attention by asking ‘what’s the rule?’ And we’d repeat it back to him. Then he’d have our focus to try and talk with us or give directions again.

Our mom would make us go pick out the spoon we were going to get spanked with, or wash our mouths out with soap, or threaten us with abandonment.

I’ve been practicing only one of those two methods with my son.
*The rule was “We don’t eat people.”

 

[utay62]

@prodgaldotter Hah!

 

[jesuslighthouse]

@utay62 There is good advice in this thread, but I think it's important to mention that modern "gentle parenting" techniques can be very difficult and taxing for the parent, and it's important not to beat yourself up if you can't do it perfectly or right away. It requires much more patience and control of your emotions than the disciplinarian methods we grew up with, and it can be very hard to wrap your head around if that's all your parents did. In terms of emotional toll, spanking a kid and sending them to bed is a lot easier than calmly listening to them scream and cry and actively not listen to you or do what you say.

I have a very difficult 3yo, and we have been trying not to resort to punishment or yelling, but sometimes we as parents have big feelings too. An important thing to realize is it is ok, and even a good thing, to apologize to your child if you raise your voice or get upset with them. It is an opportunity to show them you are human and act as a role model for how to deal with anger after the fact.

Some kids are also just more difficult than others. In some ways I think it isn't super helpful to hear from people say "my kids were perfect teens because of my parenting" because even if you parent perfectly you may have difficult teens, and examples like that can make you feel like you must've done something wrong. We spend a lot of time listening to our kid tantrum for an hour+ after bedtime and wondering where we fucked up. But some kids just require more patience than others. You can only shape who your kid is so much; after that you have to accept them for who they are and keep being as gentle as you can anyway.

 

[seekinanswrs]

@jesuslighthouse I feel you fellow dad. I also have a very difficult 3yo son. I am finding it hard sometimes to keep my cool especially if he is hurting his siblings or putting them in potential danger.

 

[abrett44]

@seekinanswrs Had to spend three hours in a Children's Hospital ED waiting room yesterday with our occasionally-difficult 3.5yo (plus another hour and a half in the room waiting for the attending. He's fine, thankfully).

It was rough seeing all the other kids there being relatively quiet and well behaved while he spent the entire time trying to escape through any door he could find, throwing mini-tantrums in the middle of the floor, or just generally being loud and obnoxious (which is not great in a hospital setting).