He’s SUCH a Good Dad: A Moms V. Dads Expectations Rant

[jayblue1]

@melista I feel this. I’ve been placed on bed rest for a few days with baby #2 and my husband has stepped up a lot with our two year old- I’m avoiding any kind of praise because he’s literally doing everything I always do by myself when he travels for work. I of course show appreciation but I am trying not to make a big deal of it even though I was tempted to. For example, he took my daughter to run errands (at my request) which is something he’s only done maybe once or twice since she’s been born. When he got home, I almost poured on a ton of praise but instead I was like “thanks for going to the store, I needed that so much. ” Meanwhile I take our two year old constantly.

I’m hoping he now recognizes just how challenging it is for me to wrangle out two year old while pregnant. I am learning to have higher expectations when it comes to both of us parenting.

 

[katrina2017]

@melista Oh yes, I’m starting to really see that this is just the beginning of taking on the invisible labour and mental load. I am so thankful for my partner. He works so hard to provide for us, asks if he needs to be at any upcoming appointments and if not he lets me know where he’s working and that he can be there if needed. He also gives me so much credit for how much I’m doing to prepare for baby and taking care of our home. I overheard him bragging to my MIL on the phone how on top of everything I am. Older generations just don’t seem to get it but I’m appreciative that my partner is dedicated to being an involved parent.

 

[drew873]

@melista There is a big distinction between being a good dad and being a good partner.

My husband is an amazing dad. No question. He also does half the night feeds for our newborn, washes my pump parts and, and generally has stepped up with #2. He consistently does more than the other dads in our group (which he proudly points out. Frequently.)

He wrangles bath time. But does he pick up toddler's clothes off the bathroom floor? Or toss the diaper? Or hang up the towel?

He takes kiddo to the park. But does he restock the diaper bag? Bring the water bottle in from the car? Put the shoes in the shoe box?

He comes to doctor's appts. But does he schedule them? Fill out the online surveys? Talk through the prospect with toddler? Pack the diaper bag with "fresh" toys?

He changes diapers. But does he order them? Remember to put them on the shopping list? Refill the bins around the house unprompted? Consistently remember to pick them up off the floor and put them in the trash?

He makes meals. But does he clean the dishes? Put the leftovers in the fridge? Clean the high chair tray? Wash off the silicone bib?

I am very grateful he is a great dad. And he does do more than our friends. But.

But.

 

[melista]

@drew873 Mental load. 100%

 

[jaelhope]

@melista I experience this with custody too. Men are allowed to have minimal time with their kids and still be called good dads. Meanwhile, if mom has anything less than 50/50 there is an endless barrage of questions and judgment.

My ex husband is constantly praised for being “such a good dad” and he sees his daughter one weekend a month. I have sole legal and residential custody. On his weekends he drives up to his moms house and pawns off the responsibility to her and his new wife. But hey he took her to do something fun for a couple hours of that time, so everyone is bowing down to his greatness.

I get judged for accepting child support, forgetting her library books when I take her to school, giving her sweets, etc.

 

[tigerryan]

@jaelhope Your feelings around this are absolutely understandable given your experience, but there's a lot of good dads on the wrong end of this dynamic too.

I live in a regional area, about 500km from the nearest major city. I'm an accountant, so I'm all up in peoples stuff when they separate and figure out child support and family court stuff.

Usually when couples separate, mum takes the kids and moves to the city. There are better job opportunities and who wouldn't want a fresh start without the ghost of your ex getting up in your business when you're dating et cetera.

Family court does a "standard dad's deal" which is every second weekend with dad, plus school holidays with dad. In the vast majority of cases I've seen dad's would be absolutely overjoyed to have anything up to and including 100% custody, but it's just not on the table. Kids stay with mum while school is in term, end of story. Plus mum needs some weekend time, so she gets every second weekend. Dad gets whatever is left.

Imagine having to travel 1000km (round trip) every two weeks and pay what amounts to about a third of a week's average wages (not minimum wage) per night for a hotel room for you and your kids. Then trying to have quality dad time in a cheap sketchy hotel.

Anything additional like being involved in any school events or anything at all like that is an additional trip and expense.

On top of all of this dad is paying a high rate of child support because his portion of shared care is so low.

I'm not saying your a good / bad mum or your ex is a good / bad dad. I'm just saying it's a shit situation for everyone, especially the kids.

Everyone involved feels like they got the raw end of the bargain. I often find myself explaining that it's the family court's job to find the least-bad situation out of an impossible circumstance.

 

[jaelhope]

@tigerryan Maybe it’s different in your state, but it’s definitely “on the table” here. There’s a standard agreement but you absolutely don’t have to accept it and move on. I had to go to court for custody, pay a lawyer, have a stable job and home, etc. These were all things my ex and so many men I’ve met just weren’t willing to do.

 

[tigerryan]

@jaelhope What kind of arrangement would you suggest when mum is 5hrs drive away?

Keep in mind I'm not talking about you and your ex specifically.

 

[jaelhope]

@tigerryan Well moving 5 hours away may be the norm for where you are, but it’s definitely not the norm overall.

Regardless, dad could just as easily be the one with the kids and mom could be doing the driving. They just don’t usually have custody. That’s almost always just assumed to be mom’s role. That was the original point to OPs post and my comment, and your response reinforces it.

I’m not saying it doesn’t suck to have to do that. Though just to make another note, I drive 725km a month just to take my kid to and from school in our district in a rural area. I’m sure the other driving I do strictly for child related activities would more than make up the difference in what a dad 5 hours away also drives every month.

 

[tigerryan]

@jaelhope Sorry, in this kind of circumstance mum will always get preference. There's just no way dad is going to get primary custody. I would venture that applies in any state (although I am in Australia).

Running around after your kids is in no way similar to driving 2000km a month to visit your kids.

 

[jaelhope]

@tigerryan That’s the kind of thinking that keeps the inequity alive.

And yeah…one of those is parenting. The other is just a weekend trip.

 

[deimante]

@melista My ex husband is SUCH A GOOD DAD, and honestly.. he's not the worst, he's a bit behind on support but otherwise, he's involved and enjoys the time spent with mini. He's not often late and is flexible when her schedule takes presidency.

He can tell you her favorite sport, game, pokemon, colour; her best friends name. He knows her.

He is a good dad, but he doesn't ever get called a good dad for those things that he shines at, that I'm grateful for him for and that she loves him for. He gets called one for showing up to 1/6 of her recitals. That's was infuriating. Or for knowing what happened at her doctor's app ... that I texted him about so he was made aware. Or for going to 1/2 of the school things. He gets praised for the half ass shit he does.

That will never make sense to me.

 

[jamie2012]

@melista My best friend has 2 kids and says this happens to her husband all the time when he takes the kids to the store or the park by himself. She said it never happens to her when she does anything with them. I haven’t experienced it yet but my friend told me it may happen to my husband once baby is here and he does anything with just him and baby. He has come to all my appointments and nobody has said anything other than asking both of us if our son is doing okay.

 

[katrina2017]

@melista Ali Wong has a hilarious Netflix comedy on her pregnancy and her husband getting praised for bare minimum stuff

 

[melista]

@katrina2017 Oh man I forgot about that! Time for a rewatch with my husband!

 

[thehunted]

@melista Yes, a main reason I didn't want kids was the societal expectations. In couples therapy we talked about it and I specifically said "I would love the dad job, it's great. It's like a step parent, a fun aunt or a grandparent. The mom job is the worst with all of that pressure."

Edit to add: my dad was a single dad before my step mom came along and he nailed it. He did everything on his own . Better mom material than most mom imo. He did pig tails, doctor's appointments, sick care, chaperoned field trips, taught me to cook and clean, literally all of it. So I think I grew up seeing that most dad's are just lazy or crippled by societal expectations.

 

[cheshireicegodisgood]

@melista Say it louder for the people in the back!

I love my husband, and I have no doubts he will be a great dad. But when people gush about him meeting the bare minimum of attending appointments and classes, I want to yell, "Yes, he's fantastic but I also go to them. And I schedule everything. And I'm the one experiencing the pregnancy symptoms. And I will have to go through the birth." Not to mention, I still work full-time, take care of our dog, tend to household chores and issues, and manage our investment property by myself. But no one's gushing about me and what I do.

 

[melista]

@cheshireicegodisgood Amen! My husband and I both work with flexible schedules from home. I’m also doing a PhD and provide our healthcare through school, so I can’t take time off. I’ve had people ask if he minds the interruptions from working. Does he mind missing an hour of productivity when he can work literally any time with no consequences?? How about if I mind losing half a semester because I had HG so bad I could barely work. Good lord. I miss just as much time as he does AND MORE.

 

[treva]

@melista I'm having the opposite problem , while I was pregnant everyone was saying how awesome I am while not acknowledging my husband at all when he was the one taking up all the mental load because my brain kinda disappeared when I was pregnant. He scheduled all the OB appointments, kept track of everything we needed to get for the baby, researched all the things we needed to ask, settle all the payments and insurance things etc, while all I did was attend the appointments (which he drove me to).

Even post birth he handled everything, from hiring a confinement nanny (basically this lady that's job is to take care of the baby and the mother for the first month post-birth), post birth traditional massage (basically traditional massage in this part of the world to push your organs and muscles back into the right place post-birth), arranging all the baby's doctor's appointments, her childcare etc. He also does most of the daily care for her while my only job is to breastfeed her.

No one's praised him except me though. Maybe people in my country are weird. I keep getting praises for being a good mum though I feel I don't deserve it.

 

[marriedwoman]

@melista This!!! I am so grateful to have my fiancé come to just about every appointment (the only ones he hasn’t been there for are the quick 5min appointments where they just ask “how are you feeling” and check the heartbeat.) but he is getting praised for how great it is that he is so involved and I’m sitting here thinking I’m the one who is literally growing her. Making sure I eat at the right times, taking vitamins, my body is changing, not sleeping, peeing every 45 minutes, I’m getting beat up from the inside on a regular basis but I’m not getting told how great I am for any of it. I just get “oh you think it’s bad now, just wait till the baby comes” it’s such a double standard.