katrina2017
New member
I’d love to get any information on getting started with meditation for a toddler.
Dads breaking generational abuse, how do you discipline your kids?
- Thread starter utay62
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katrina2017
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Model it every day. As many times a day as it naturally arises.
I started doing it when I needed to clam down infront of her. She asked to try with me around 2.5YO. So for 2 full years I was modeling breath work, body scans, guided meditations with NO VISIBLE results.
Now we meditate every morning for 3-5 min, and any time she is upset. Sometimes it is just 4 deep slow breaths and she acknowledges her big feeling and moves on. Sometimes it is 10 min of quiet time where we lay on our backs and just breathe.
I started doing it when I needed to clam down infront of her. She asked to try with me around 2.5YO. So for 2 full years I was modeling breath work, body scans, guided meditations with NO VISIBLE results.
Now we meditate every morning for 3-5 min, and any time she is upset. Sometimes it is just 4 deep slow breaths and she acknowledges her big feeling and moves on. Sometimes it is 10 min of quiet time where we lay on our backs and just breathe.
prepperoni
New member
@katrina2017 this is awesome - great direction and beautiful solution to a problem every parent faces. kids absorb so much so quickly. be the person you want them to see, do the thing you want them to do, they will follow suit.
but it is so much easier said than done haha! so easy to lose your cool.
but it is so much easier said than done haha! so easy to lose your cool.
katrina2017
New member
@prepperoni So flipping easy, and it’s okay as well, just apologize and try again 
katrina2017
New member
Thanks that’s helpful.
katrina2017
New member
For sure. This is a great tool for you to start exploring meditation:
https://www.va.gov/WHOLEHEALTH/veteran-handouts/docs/ProgressMuscleRelax__Final508_11-13-2018.pdf
https://www.va.gov/WHOLEHEALTH/veteran-handouts/docs/ProgressMuscleRelax__Final508_11-13-2018.pdf
@katrina2017
Kids need to be heard and seen - acknowledging and helping them identify their feelings is essential for their development during the (chaotic) toddler stage
Kids need to be heard and seen - acknowledging and helping them identify their feelings is essential for their development during the (chaotic) toddler stage
katrina2017
New member
tinfoilhat
New member
@katrina2017 There are books out there. For my 3 year old just learning breathing exercises has been the way to go, there's absolutely no sitting quietly that would ever happen
@katrina2017 I sometimes just say to my kids out loud “I’m getting really frustrated so I’m going to take deep breaths” and then I do lots of over exaggerated breaths in and out. And we do the blowing candles thing. My 3yo does not really get it but often blows the candles out with me, the 5yo has started breathing on their own when annoyed or angry. They do it at primary school too apparently but haven’t started yet (5yo just started school this year)
@katrina2017 I think it’s important to not equate discipline with punishment. Discipline is only about training and self control and everything we do to teach our kids to manage themselves and their interactions with the world around them IS discipline. For example the expression “they have a disciplined mind” doesn’t mean a punished one, it means a honed one.
I tend to think if we ever have to get to the point of actual punishment, we as parents have made an error somewhere along the line. Maybe years ago.
I prefer very much to approach my kids the way you described in another reply: explanation, communication, validating their feelings while making it clear there are limits to how they may behave. This is discipline and it teaches them over time how to interact with the wider world in a healthy way. And never letting them forget I love them and my goal is to help them.
I tend to think if we ever have to get to the point of actual punishment, we as parents have made an error somewhere along the line. Maybe years ago.
I prefer very much to approach my kids the way you described in another reply: explanation, communication, validating their feelings while making it clear there are limits to how they may behave. This is discipline and it teaches them over time how to interact with the wider world in a healthy way. And never letting them forget I love them and my goal is to help them.
@katrina2017 Natural consequences has been my wife’s latest foray and it’s been amazing for our youngest who “floods” easily and shuts down.
I too grew up with a wooden spoon and a belt when not listening so I struggled to redirect without physicality (I’ve never hit my kids but it’s the instinct, and I step away until I can press back the way I was taught).
I too grew up with a wooden spoon and a belt when not listening so I struggled to redirect without physicality (I’ve never hit my kids but it’s the instinct, and I step away until I can press back the way I was taught).
@katrina2017 So how do you enforce No? Just drag them away kicking and screaming and hold them until said thing is out of sight?
katrina2017
New member
@utay62 Not at all. It depends on the situation. Give me a scenario and I will describe what I would do.
But in general if it is "No, you cannot have candy" and she tantrums, I tell her "I know you are upset. I know you want it. But you have had enough for the day. You are allowed to feel big feelings here, that is okay". Then she will yell or scream etc. and I will let her know "It is okay to cry, you can also use your words. Cna you name your feelings". And we work through it.
At 2 years ol it took anywhere form 10-30 min to work through. Now at 3YO she can usually take 4 deep slow breaths and name her feeling, unless it is a new feeling. Then we just take our time and work through it until she can name it.
But in general if it is "No, you cannot have candy" and she tantrums, I tell her "I know you are upset. I know you want it. But you have had enough for the day. You are allowed to feel big feelings here, that is okay". Then she will yell or scream etc. and I will let her know "It is okay to cry, you can also use your words. Cna you name your feelings". And we work through it.
At 2 years ol it took anywhere form 10-30 min to work through. Now at 3YO she can usually take 4 deep slow breaths and name her feeling, unless it is a new feeling. Then we just take our time and work through it until she can name it.
@katrina2017 So the scenario this morning during class was he kept walking away from the group to go jump into the ball pit. The first he did so, I pulled him out of the pit and calmly told him he has to go back to class, and if he participates he can play w the ballpit after class. After the 2nd time I took him out and I repeated my words and mentioned he wasn’t doing so good right now. The third time I held him for a good minute, made him look into my eyes and told him if he did it again we’d be going home immediately without stamps. The fourth time I dragged him out of the gym kicking and screaming to the car and drove home
katrina2017
New member
@utay62 And he is 2YO? Your expectations are really high. It is absolutely amazing you have him in classes but at this age they are there for sensory exploration, socialization and just to bop around and do what they gonna do.
This is where the books come in. They help guide you on expectations, for one. Like aside from the tools, they give you an idea of the range of things to expect form a child of any given age. Some 2 year olds are naturally compliant, some are not.
Personally I would have done about the same with the first incident- I would also have asked him if he wanted to be in the class. Sometimes I do "make" my daughter try new things that she says she does not want to. But once she is there, and has tried, if it is clearly not her scene I don't keep forcing her. If she were older and asked to be in a sport, and then changed her mind... that would be a different story. But there is no benefit from forceing a toddler to do something optional (as opposed to say bath time, or sitting in thier car seat).
The second time- I disagree with assigning a valuation like "good" or "bad" to developmentally appropriate behavior. He was behaving 100% in line for his age. I would have asked him to take a break with me and do some breathing exercises and then checked in if he wanted to continue class.
3rd- I agree with setting a natural consequence here- leaving because he is not ready/able to participate is VALID.
4th- I'm not a fan of dragging/carrying off into the car while she is upset. Assuming no one is in danger (busy road example of a dangerous scenario where I will pick her up and make sure she is safe) I will escort her away from the problem area, away from as many people we are disturbing as possible and then get her fully calm before we leave. So that looks like " We are leaving. You did not do anything wrong, you are just not ready for group play today." If she tantrums harder, I calm her down with breaths and validating her feelinsg. Once she is calm, into the car. Then back home I would check in and try to reinforce the lesson. "It sure is sad we had to leave early. I am proud of you for calming down. Next time we can try to follow the rules and stay longer". This is almost always greeted with a hug and kiss.
These steps takes months and years to build upon. It is worth the effort.
This is where the books come in. They help guide you on expectations, for one. Like aside from the tools, they give you an idea of the range of things to expect form a child of any given age. Some 2 year olds are naturally compliant, some are not.
Personally I would have done about the same with the first incident- I would also have asked him if he wanted to be in the class. Sometimes I do "make" my daughter try new things that she says she does not want to. But once she is there, and has tried, if it is clearly not her scene I don't keep forcing her. If she were older and asked to be in a sport, and then changed her mind... that would be a different story. But there is no benefit from forceing a toddler to do something optional (as opposed to say bath time, or sitting in thier car seat).
The second time- I disagree with assigning a valuation like "good" or "bad" to developmentally appropriate behavior. He was behaving 100% in line for his age. I would have asked him to take a break with me and do some breathing exercises and then checked in if he wanted to continue class.
3rd- I agree with setting a natural consequence here- leaving because he is not ready/able to participate is VALID.
4th- I'm not a fan of dragging/carrying off into the car while she is upset. Assuming no one is in danger (busy road example of a dangerous scenario where I will pick her up and make sure she is safe) I will escort her away from the problem area, away from as many people we are disturbing as possible and then get her fully calm before we leave. So that looks like " We are leaving. You did not do anything wrong, you are just not ready for group play today." If she tantrums harder, I calm her down with breaths and validating her feelinsg. Once she is calm, into the car. Then back home I would check in and try to reinforce the lesson. "It sure is sad we had to leave early. I am proud of you for calming down. Next time we can try to follow the rules and stay longer". This is almost always greeted with a hug and kiss.
These steps takes months and years to build upon. It is worth the effort.
@katrina2017 great advice! what are some of the better books you read?
katrina2017
New member
@mamma1 Copy&Paste from my reply to someone else in this thread with the same question:
These three for the backbone of my parenting style. Of the 72 parenting books I have read these are the core of my tools:
Ages and Stages: A Parent's Guide to Normal Childhood Development Paperback – August 15, 2000 by Charles E. Schaefer (Author), Theresa Foy DiGeronimo (Author)
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children by Alison Gopnik is probably the book I have re-read the most. By and far the most passionate and engaging and well researched book on the theory of parenting I have come across. I love this book and wish everyone would read it. The audiobook of it goes down easily too, but I like having a physical copy at home because sometimes I just pickup it up an re-read random chapters.
These three for the backbone of my parenting style. Of the 72 parenting books I have read these are the core of my tools:
Ages and Stages: A Parent's Guide to Normal Childhood Development Paperback – August 15, 2000 by Charles E. Schaefer (Author), Theresa Foy DiGeronimo (Author)
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children by Alison Gopnik is probably the book I have re-read the most. By and far the most passionate and engaging and well researched book on the theory of parenting I have come across. I love this book and wish everyone would read it. The audiobook of it goes down easily too, but I like having a physical copy at home because sometimes I just pickup it up an re-read random chapters.
@katrina2017 thanks!
@katrina2017
This is the truth right here. We followed the same approach you've outlined in your comments and we now have a kid who is well-mannered, respectful, and thoughtful. From time to time, we'll get a comment about how "lucky" we got to have a "good" kid. But the truth is it's from years of exactly this kind of parenting.
This is the truth right here. We followed the same approach you've outlined in your comments and we now have a kid who is well-mannered, respectful, and thoughtful. From time to time, we'll get a comment about how "lucky" we got to have a "good" kid. But the truth is it's from years of exactly this kind of parenting.