How do you think this happens? (dads not knowing things about their kids)

[thinkbig2010]

@myonee my wife takes lead on school stuff and takes the kids to school a lot of days so she would win based simply on knowing that question and i don’t. I’m gonna fix this though and will ask about teachers as we review homework this week

 

[myonee]

@thinkbig2010 That makes sense! Though I'm sure there's things you might know better - for example I definitely now talk a lot more about like ... my work with my dad, since our jobs are somewhat similar. I think also growing up he knew a lot more about my sports activities (I played soccer) and he was the one I'd turn to when things were difficult on the field or when I was frustrated with my performance. On the other hand, my mom knew a lot more about my music since she did more music growing up than my dad did.

 

[thinkbig2010]

@myonee oh for sure, i’m not feeling bad about my involvement but i do tell them i think education is important so won’t hurt to engage a bit more from the people side of that too

 

[shrinker]

@myonee It's not a "dad" thing; people just make mistakes sometimes. This year my parents sent me a birthday card that had my age wrong. This means both parents decided I was born a year later than I actually was. My dad is an engineer - he should've known the math didn't work out. We had a laugh about it when I called them up, and it wasn't a big deal.

As for friends or anything else, most people are pretty bad at remembering things that they don't need to remember. It's not anything personal.

 

[yuhuhehe]

@shrinker Almost certainly this video is just a selection of all the idiots they found but your argument doesn't apply to these people. Very few involved parents would ever forget their kids birthday. They might momentarily mess it up by a few days but that first guy didn't even try to state the month...

 

[myonee]

@yuhuhehe Yeah that was fucking nuts to me. I mean, I remember my siblings' birthdays and I wasn't even there!

 

[myonee]

@shrinker That makes sense! I also think about people forgetting their anniversaries together, lol.

 

[adrienbchiggins]

@myonee I'm a pretty involved dad and I'm not sure I could answer all of these. I know one of my daughters teacher's name but not the other one. I don't know the name of their dentist either despite taking them to dental visits before. I can name one of their best friends but the other one seems to change best friends weekly so I don't know that I could tell you who it is this week. I don't think I know their eye color, it's not something I really pay much attention to. Probably hazel or blue.

 

[myonee]

@adrienbchiggins Makes sense to me! Out of curiosity, do you think your wife/husband/partner would be able to answer these questions better or worse than yourself? Or would they know the answers to things about your kids that you don't, and vice versa?

 

[adrienbchiggins]

@myonee My wife and I tend to handle different things about the kids, so we'd have an easier time answering questions about those things than the other. My wife handles contacting friends and setting up playdates/sleepovers a lot more than I do so she'd have an easier time knowing who friends and friends parents are and contacting them. I handle a lot of the medical stuff so I generally know a little more about that than my wife, despite not knowing who their dentist is. I handle a lot of the cooking and packing lunches so I usually know better than my wife what they like to eat and don't.

 

[mayaann]

@myonee There is an effect where you are less likely to retain information if you know your partner will. I think it is something like auxiliary or peripheral memory. I can’t remember and can’t seem to find it with google.

 

[mayaann]

Found it, transactive memory https://scholar.harvard.edu/files/dwegner/files/wegnererberraymond1991.pdf

 

[myonee]

@mayaann Ok so first thought: "Following the experiment, subjects were debriefed in detail, thanked, and given chocolate kisses." This is so fucking cute oh my god.

One thing that is so fascinating about that study is how much better the "natural" (preexisting) couples were at recall when not assigned areas of expertise - it seems like that innate assumption of who was responsible for what actually super helped. On the other hand, I would love to see a more detailed study that takes individual gender into account, and perhaps assigns "impromptu" couples that are same-gender, in addition to including "natural" couples that are also same-gender.

The most intriguing paragraph to me was the following:

These results indicate, albeit in a preliminary way, that individuals in natural couples were particularly inclined to forget items that they felt were in their own area of expertise when those items were assigned to them by the experimenter. In essence, when their implicit memory assignment was made explicit, their fulfillment of the assignment deteriorated markedly. It is as though individuals in close relationships who normally and naturally step forward to perform their memory function for the couple suddenly decline to do so when their function is pointed out and explicitly required.

This almost makes me think that even if dads were the ones who were experts in whatever question Kimmel's team was asking about in the video, they would be far less likely to answer those questions correctly because "their function [was] pointed out and explicitly required."

Overall an incredibly interesting study!

 

[gassah]

@myonee I actually have seen this! So I live in the south of the US, and there's definitely a certain mix of misogyny and toxic masculinity and what have you that leads to fathers feeling like it isn't their job, lack of communication between parents etc.

One example would be if there's a SAHM and a father, the father might think the kids are his wife's "job" and treat it as such- the same way she wouldn't need to know the complexities of his job, he doesn't need to know the complexities of hers.

Another would be parents who had a messy divorce/breakup and don't communicate out of the absolutely necessary to fill their legal custody agreements- dad normally gets the shit end of the stick time-wise, and mom doesn't update him. What does kiddo know about what the doctor said or how they're doing in school?

Both of these also have like other communication issues and things along those lines, it may be the dad's fault it may not be- it is a real thing tho for sure, at least in some people. (The roles can be reversed for the mom to be the one who doesn't know, but the way society/culture is structured it's a lot more likely for it to be the father.)

 

[gassah]

Ask teachers/school staff or check-in-staff at doctors/etc and you'll hear way more about it than you'd think, but probably isn't as common as people online make it seem with videos like that lmao