Sometimes I feel like I am just bankrolling my husband’s identity crisis

[nathan98]

@ayberk22 Putting your marriage first requires sacrifice. You’re insisting on some notion of fairness.

 

[ayberk22]

@nathan98 What sacrifice has he made?

It's not about fairness. Life isn't fair. Sometimes you have to support your spouse. But she's been doing that for 1.5 years of residency and 4 years of med school... and if he doesn't get his butt back in the game, she'll be doing it for the next 50 years. Every year you are out of residency, is like 10x times harder to get back into the game.

He'll be out of residency for at least 2 years. Now he'll likely have to redo his entire residency. The chances of him getting back into IM is very very low. Even the chance of getting into FM is very very low. She's moved her career for him 3 times now... and now, she'll likely have to move their entire family again for him. And there is no guarantee he won't burn out again.

 

[mimicap46]

@nathan98 Brene Brown said it best that marriage is not 50/50. It's constantly shifting. Sometimes it's 50/50. sometimes 60/40, 70/30, sometimes it's 80/20, etc. And sometimes you both have 20 and you both have to figure out where TF you're going to find the rest. And that's what OP is trying to do. He's been at 20 for years and now she's burned out too. They need a plan to help both of them out and if he's not willing to partake in that, I'd seriously reconsider the marriage.

 

[nathan98]

@goldensleather He’s depressed. Help him get help for that, and he sounds like someone who can figure out the rest on his own.

Here’s the built-in ultimatum hanging over your marriage, to the extent there is one - if you don’t (at least temporarily) put him first, and do everything possible to help him get back to being his best self, it would be only human of him to unfairly place blame where it doesn’t belong, ie on his family, and become resentful of you and the children. The older kids get, the more the notion that it was OK to essentially sacrifice his carrier for your children will grow stale. This will all be extremely unfair to you, which is why I am sounding a cautionary note now. (I’ve been there, and although I didn’t get resentful, I so easily could have.)

 

[katrina2017]

@goldensleather I couldn’t even read your full post i felt so pissed off for you! If that were my husband I would give him a good kick in the butt and send him back to start medical training again, I would literally fill out the paperwork if that what it took. WTF is he doing wasting his life, he needs to get his shit together. Probably also send him for counselling and cut off any ancillary allowance you are giving him.

 

[robrog8999]

@goldensleather The only answer I can see here is to ask around about a really good therapist, and then insist that he goes regularly. What I’m seeing and hearing from this post is that he’s either suffering from imposter syndrome and/or burn out. It sounds like he’s terrified and doesn’t know how to express it or resolve it.

 

[shanelanford]

@goldensleather Omg, are you me? I'm going through a very similar time with my partner and his identity crisis. Quit his job with 12 hours of notice to me with no plans lined up, wanting to switch careers but no ideas to what.

 

[goldensleather]

@shanelanford Standing with you in solidarity. It’s not a lot of fun to be left holding the reigns.

 

[denlhj]

@goldensleather Maybe he could look into medical careers that aren't being a doctor? There are places that need subject matter experts in medicine, such as corporations who work in the field, government policy creators, etc. I work in training AI chatbots and they have had calls before for SMEs in fields like the law, so they may look for some in medicine too.