Sometimes I feel like I am just bankrolling my husband’s identity crisis
- Thread starter goldensleather
- Start date
@goldensleather Yeah if he has to match again that’s like another two years before he actually starts. Non clinical stuff or research or something will at least keep him busy and get him a paycheck while he applies.
goldensleather
New member
@keatongtsteven IF he goes back to residency, he’s not naive. He would pick something that he had a shot of getting into (like family med). And yes, he’d be looking for something with better work life balance. What’s crazy is my husband is like the smartest person I know. He is also incredibly strategic. It blows my mind we are even in this position. Like he’s the last person I thought this would happen to.
keatongtsteven
New member
@goldensleather Honestly, I think once you’ve experienced how mentally exhausting medical school/residency is, a big part of what drives people to finish is just the momentum of being in the middle of it — especially having your peers around you that are doing the same thing. I remember friends in medical school taking a year off prior to residency and I knew that if I stepped away from it even briefly, I’d have a really hard time restarting. I imagine having little kids and having to take the plunge, it would be really challenging.
@goldensleather Is your husband treating his ADHD? Meds or therapy? When I was reading this I was just like hmmm this seems like ADHD. Then you mentioned it. The inability to start or finish tasks that have lots of moving parts is a big symptom of un or under managed ADHD. Not saying it'll solve all your problems but it's worth looking into.
goldensleather
New member
@mimicap46 Thanks, it’s a good thought. He is medicated, and I think he believes the medicine fixed his problems, but we may need to reevaluate how much the ADHD is actually steering this ship.
@goldensleather You might check out some of the resources in the wiki for the r/ADHD_partners sub to see if anything speaks to you and your experience. Meds help, but can only take some people so far. ADHD can be rather complex. Yes, it's a different wiring of the brain, but it also can have a lot of comorbidities and tough lived experiences that force an ADHD person to create maladaptive habits and thoughts that need to be unlearned.
alittlebirdee
New member
@goldensleather I am TYPE A, a parent, have ADHD and work in medicine.
I see this flailing around that he seems to be doing and I've done it myself, though posssibly never quite to this degree likely because I never let myself lose any momentum (yes im burntout lol) due to a fear of being paralyzed via my adhd....and because I haven't parented 3 under 3!
I have a very hard time not procrastinating on something big, especially when I have to organize myself to get started and doubly when I get interrupted a lot (aka parenting, illness, being back up care, etc). It ends up with me going down a ton of rabbit holes, then I get overwhelmed, then I start a home project and ultimately wake up a year later, no further along.
If he has ADHD, I would consider looking into ADHD coaching and possibly settling on a time line (I.e. 1 to 3 months) with a short term nanny or another form of back up care, just to get him unstuck and built up forward momentum.
I see this flailing around that he seems to be doing and I've done it myself, though posssibly never quite to this degree likely because I never let myself lose any momentum (yes im burntout lol) due to a fear of being paralyzed via my adhd....and because I haven't parented 3 under 3!
I have a very hard time not procrastinating on something big, especially when I have to organize myself to get started and doubly when I get interrupted a lot (aka parenting, illness, being back up care, etc). It ends up with me going down a ton of rabbit holes, then I get overwhelmed, then I start a home project and ultimately wake up a year later, no further along.
If he has ADHD, I would consider looking into ADHD coaching and possibly settling on a time line (I.e. 1 to 3 months) with a short term nanny or another form of back up care, just to get him unstuck and built up forward momentum.
goldensleather
New member
@alittlebirdee Thanks. Really appreciate these comments from people that also have ADHD. You are describing him to a tee and it really helps me understand better. I will look into some ADHD coaching.
alittlebirdee
New member
@goldensleather Thank you as well because this gave me more insight into why my husband gets frustrated with me! You outlined this from the partner perspective really clearly 
@goldensleather It sounds like your husband has never lived as a single adult. He doesn't know how. He needs therapy or a career coach.
There are lots of paths to different kinds of medical work other than going back to medical school. He could pursue nursing, physicians assistant, or even dental hygiene (apparently they make bank).
But he seems trapped, trying to steer himself
There are lots of paths to different kinds of medical work other than going back to medical school. He could pursue nursing, physicians assistant, or even dental hygiene (apparently they make bank).
But he seems trapped, trying to steer himself