@goldensleather He’s depressed. Help him get help for that, and he sounds like someone who can figure out the rest on his own.
Here’s the built-in ultimatum hanging over your marriage, to the extent there is one - if you don’t (at least temporarily) put him first, and do everything possible to help him get back to being his best self, it would be only human of him to unfairly place blame where it
doesn’t belong, ie on his family, and become resentful of you and the children. The older kids get, the more the notion that it was OK to essentially sacrifice his carrier for your children will grow stale. This will all be extremely unfair to you, which is why I am sounding a cautionary note now. (I’ve been there, and although I didn’t get resentful, I so easily could have.)