She is one and done but I am a fencesitter, need some opinions

[mmtb34]

We are 40 years old and adopted our son 2 years ago.

She is pretty much done because she is tired, but rarely she would say: I would consider when he is older 6-7 years old.

But… by then we would be super old to go back to dealing with a toddler. I kind of want 1 more because sometimes, the boy looked lonely. But at the same time, his schooling is expensive as heck.

Should we just called it done? Do we adopt another one? I have no idea.

 

[antiochus]

@mmtb34 I’m an only child and there are other ways to not be lonely- get him active in social groups or w cousins. I’m so grateful I was an only.

 

[melaninzombie]

@antiochus Yea our plan is to pay for a friend to come with her if we take a vacation or just an afternoon trip somewhere. I definitely would've preferred a friend to a sibling when I was growing up lol also social groups like you mentioned.

 

[davidgarcia]

@antiochus Hi, thank you for sharing your experience as an only child. Could I ask who in your life you think you can absolutely rely on, no matter how they may (temporarily maybe) feel about you?

 

[antiochus]

@davidgarcia I find your question odd bc most people I know don’t rely on their siblings? I’m almost 35 and I’d say mostly my friends. Mt friends also come to me before they go to their siblings. Also my parents and obviously my partner. And you know… mostly myself bc I’m an adult lol. Not only that, some people don’t even have a good relationship w their siblings at all! This idea that kids need a sibling honestly flabbergasts me.

Not sure who is downvoting this? I’m honestly confused like do most adults feel they rely on their siblings more than anyone else? Bc that’s just not what I see in anyone I know lol. I felt like the question kind of implied that? Not trying to be a dick.

 

[genjesus]

@antiochus Not sure why you'd get downvotes, I'm totally with you on this! (Speaking as a person with a sibling too)

 

[antiochus]

@genjesus Don’t get me wrong family is great for some things but I’ve always had someone in my life to call when something came up and the thought of “if only I had a sibling” has never come up lol

 

[genjesus]

@antiochus Chosen family is better IMO

 

[hiram208]

@mmtb34 She's tired now.

She doesn't want another now.

You have a son, a wife that is surviving, and a husband that doesn't put his wife's actual happiness over a theoretically positive to his son.

If you add a second, you'll have a drowning wife, two kids who fight, and a husband who is wondering why his wife doesn't smile at him anymore.

In marriages, it only takes one "No."

Listen to your wife. Enjoy your time with your son as he grows. Eventually you'll be in your 50's and he'll start thinking you guys aren't fun to play with anymore and want to spend time with his friends.

At that time, you'll just have you and your wife. Take care of her now. Preserve what little happiness she has now and you'll be happy later.

 

[shanji]

@hiram208 This is the thing that took me from being a fence sitter to a hard One and Done-r.

If both of us don’t want another child, then we shouldn’t have another child.

If we have the power of choice, children deserve to be wanted, at the start, by both parents. The potential for later hardships for every party far outweighs my want for a child for, maybe not the best reasons (“only child syndrome, lonely kiddo, etc)

 

[2gethamagazine]

@shanji Same here. I personally still have “what if” moments but my husbands OAD. My marriage and current family are more important to me than a hypothetical second child.

 

[dreambernie]

@mmtb34 There’s also a question of what you both want out of life. Do you still want a bit of time for hobbies and travel (possible with 1)? Or are you happy and willing to give your life up to complete childcare (more likely with 2+), at least for several years?

 

[mmtb34]

@dreambernie It’s the first one for sure. We don’t want to give up our identities and life.

 

[v]

@mmtb34 You think you won't want a toddler again once your son is 6 or 7. Your wife knows she doesn't want another one now. Sounds to me like you need to wait and see how you'll really feel.

 

[carbon20]

@v Yes. There is an energy level mismatch. Your wife feels exhausted NOW - like how you imagine yourself in a few years - empathise!

 

[roovis]

@mmtb34 I agree with a lot of the comments here already, but just want to point out since I don’t see it said already—you don’t have to adopt a toddler. If in a few years you’re both on board with a second child, you could always adopt an older child—a little younger or even a little older than your first.

 

[ntokila]

@roovis I agree with this sentiment, but a lot of adoption agencies stress the importance of maintaining birth order for family harmony. I would recommend adopting a child younger than your son.

 

[brian1970]

@mmtb34 A kid should be fully wanted, and not just as a companion. Tired of hearing that line. Siblings are not forever friends. My father just buried his mother last week and his sister (who was the main caregiver) has never been so lonely. My dad is not a support system. I have 2 siblings, they are there for me but there have been times where they have broken my heart worse than any lover could try. I think it’s great when a child is truly wanted but it sounds like your wife isn’t ready. Good luck, I completely identify with you, am in the same boat emotionally. The funeral last week just made me realize that we cannot escape loneliness

 

[jeremiah17]

@brian1970 “…there have been times where they have broken my heart worse than any lover could try.”

Oof. That gets me right in the feels. Definitely speaks to some of my complicated feelings about siblings.

 

[carbon20]

@mmtb34 Just another perspective. My parents had me when they were older - 6 years after my sis. They are in their 70s now. All my life I felt I was shortchanged when it came to their energy levels.

They'd enthusiastically do things for my older sis (6 years older) but when the same milestone came for me (say, college or wedding), they'd be so tired and do it out of a sense of duty (rather than excitement) or just say "Oh we can skip this - not that important". They have been on vacations with my sis but refuse to go out anywhere now (when I am finally old enough and can afford to take them places) because they are so exhausted all the time..

I have often felt a certain resentment because I have always felt like an afterthought. I do feel like I am the less favourite child.

This is my reason for being one and done. I don't want to make the same mistake my parents did - prioritising quantity over quality. I rather be a good and engaged parent to one, than be an overtired / mediocre parent to two (esp the second).