@manitouscott I bet she got a ton of vitamin “D”.
People who “diagnose” themselves with fertility issues before they even start trying
- Thread starter manitouscott
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- trying for a baby vent
nategordans
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forgodforgood
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@manitouscott Girl yes!! I relate so much to the “now I’m dead inside”. I also hate when my friends who are parents try to tell me about how to get pregnant. Most of them don’t even know about any of the hormones involved. They also get pregnant immediately. We have been trying since September of 2019 and have had three losses. The most recent being April 23rd. I have done extensive research and have read so much advice from women who struggle too. So yeah, I don’t need any of them to tell me anything because I most likely already know. People can be annoying.
@manitouscott I’ve provided comfort to multiple friends who were worried about having infertility issues.. only to get pregnant the first or second month.. and here I am 4 years of trying .. so frustrating
@manitouscott If I am being honest, I was one of those people. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16 and have been convinced I would really struggle to have a baby if I could at all. People with PCOS have babies ALL THE TIME. Realistically, I know the probability of me having a baby is high, but I have always been convinced it wouldn't happen or would be a real struggle.
I feel like maybe it's just my way of trying to avoid the heartbreak of potentially being infertile. If I tell myself it's happening it won't a surprise. For me, I think it's some sort of preemptive coping mechanism...
But, I totally get what you are saying! It's so frustrating when others conceive so easily. It seems so unfair. If I hear one more "It just happened!" announcement I may punch someone!
I feel like maybe it's just my way of trying to avoid the heartbreak of potentially being infertile. If I tell myself it's happening it won't a surprise. For me, I think it's some sort of preemptive coping mechanism...
But, I totally get what you are saying! It's so frustrating when others conceive so easily. It seems so unfair. If I hear one more "It just happened!" announcement I may punch someone!
katrina2017
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@jpett People with PCOS have babies all the time but many people with PCOS also really struggle to conceive.
Personally I think having an actual medical condition that often makes it difficult to conceive Is a valid concern when you are starting to try to conceive. It doesn’t mean you have infertility, but it means you have a legitimate reason to approach TTC differently.
Your concerns are totally valid. It can be hard for people that have been trying and not being able to conceive for a long time to sympathize with someone in the beginning of their journey who should have more hope~ but it doesn’t mean that your feelings are not warranted or valid.
I also think that people don’t typically always talk about their cycle etc. so someone who is concerned but seems like they have no reason to be might be anxious because they know their cycles are irregular or they don’t have enough information on their cycle to confirm it is regular (which is valid, I thought mine were regular...apparently not and they have become even close together recently). We don’t really have good sex Ed so people are not well informed about the science behind conceiving and what is normal for a cycle....plus women with conditions like PCOS and endometriosis are often told it can affect their fertility but not told to what extent or why or how. Lack of information I think tends to lead to people having more anxiety around TTC...plus doctors saying “you might have issues conceiving” or even worse...telling someone they will have issues is anxiety inducing and not enough information for people to have a healthy level of concern.
Society also places a lot of value on fertility and does not treat women with fertility issues very well. So I think that also amplifies anxiety around infertility for even women that don’t have any reason to be concerned.
Personally, even though I have been trying around a year and a half now...and I never thought I would end up here until I married someone with existing fertility issues and I was still more optimistic than I should have been....I really don’t blame women who have anxiety around fertility. Especially people like you who have absolutely valid concerns, even though PCOS does not mean conceiving is impossible by any definition of the word.
Personally I think having an actual medical condition that often makes it difficult to conceive Is a valid concern when you are starting to try to conceive. It doesn’t mean you have infertility, but it means you have a legitimate reason to approach TTC differently.
Your concerns are totally valid. It can be hard for people that have been trying and not being able to conceive for a long time to sympathize with someone in the beginning of their journey who should have more hope~ but it doesn’t mean that your feelings are not warranted or valid.
I also think that people don’t typically always talk about their cycle etc. so someone who is concerned but seems like they have no reason to be might be anxious because they know their cycles are irregular or they don’t have enough information on their cycle to confirm it is regular (which is valid, I thought mine were regular...apparently not and they have become even close together recently). We don’t really have good sex Ed so people are not well informed about the science behind conceiving and what is normal for a cycle....plus women with conditions like PCOS and endometriosis are often told it can affect their fertility but not told to what extent or why or how. Lack of information I think tends to lead to people having more anxiety around TTC...plus doctors saying “you might have issues conceiving” or even worse...telling someone they will have issues is anxiety inducing and not enough information for people to have a healthy level of concern.
Society also places a lot of value on fertility and does not treat women with fertility issues very well. So I think that also amplifies anxiety around infertility for even women that don’t have any reason to be concerned.
Personally, even though I have been trying around a year and a half now...and I never thought I would end up here until I married someone with existing fertility issues and I was still more optimistic than I should have been....I really don’t blame women who have anxiety around fertility. Especially people like you who have absolutely valid concerns, even though PCOS does not mean conceiving is impossible by any definition of the word.
@jpett I was the same way. Before I even got off the pill to TTC I KNEW something was wrong even though I hadn’t been diagnosed with PCOS previously. I think it helped that I know my sister has it and I had similar symptoms, but from prior experiences ever since I was 16 the only time I got a period was when I was on the pill. I once went about 9 months using no birth control and had a single period during that time. I knew I wasn’t normal. I got off the pill and decided to set up a preconception appointment with my OB for 3-4 months later. I figured if my period came back during that time and things were normal then great because I was due for a check up anyway. If my period didn’t come back I could let her know.
I’m so thankful I did what I did because all hell broke loose during those 3-4 months I had to wait to see my OB. I never got a period, my hair fell out in clumps and my entire chin and jaw was covered in cystic acne that made it painful to even talk. My OB didn’t know much about PCOS and tried to have me wait the full year before seeing a RE. Ultimately I didn’t really need a referral for insurance purposes, but she did end up giving me her blessing to move on if I really wanted to try ASAP.
On the one hand, I feel a little guilty that I didn’t have to wait X amount of time before I got to see a RE. Could I maybe have spontaneously ovulated 1-2 times over the next 8 months and gotten lucky? Yeah I guess so, but it’s unlikely. After meeting with my RE, I’m glad I was able to get in as quickly as possible because it’s now been 3 months and this entire time has been spent going through a battery of tests and then getting my dose of Letrozole right. I also did get pregnant during that cycle, but have now gone through the 6 week long MC from hell. So yeah, I don’t regret getting things moving at all.
So I understand where OP is coming from. It’s frustrating when someone with a completely regular cycle and no indication there’s anything wrong decides they’re infertile after 2 months of trying, but also some people know their body and know when there is a problem.
I’m so thankful I did what I did because all hell broke loose during those 3-4 months I had to wait to see my OB. I never got a period, my hair fell out in clumps and my entire chin and jaw was covered in cystic acne that made it painful to even talk. My OB didn’t know much about PCOS and tried to have me wait the full year before seeing a RE. Ultimately I didn’t really need a referral for insurance purposes, but she did end up giving me her blessing to move on if I really wanted to try ASAP.
On the one hand, I feel a little guilty that I didn’t have to wait X amount of time before I got to see a RE. Could I maybe have spontaneously ovulated 1-2 times over the next 8 months and gotten lucky? Yeah I guess so, but it’s unlikely. After meeting with my RE, I’m glad I was able to get in as quickly as possible because it’s now been 3 months and this entire time has been spent going through a battery of tests and then getting my dose of Letrozole right. I also did get pregnant during that cycle, but have now gone through the 6 week long MC from hell. So yeah, I don’t regret getting things moving at all.
So I understand where OP is coming from. It’s frustrating when someone with a completely regular cycle and no indication there’s anything wrong decides they’re infertile after 2 months of trying, but also some people know their body and know when there is a problem.
s3anreilly
New member
@jpett This is me too. I spent my first month of TTC working thru this anxiety in therapy. Fears and intrusive thoughts often betray our values, in a way, it was just my body’s way of approaching something uncertain. Sheer panic. As it turns out five months later, PCOS is def an issue for me and I’m not ovulating at all and actual fertility issues are not as terrifying as the FEAR of infertility was. It’s just...what it is. That said, that fear is something you talk to your therapist about — not your friends who may also be TTC like OP.
s3anreilly
New member
@jmueller Personally my infertility feelings are much worse than any fear about it ever was. I think it really depends on the options and how it goes. I hope you don't need to re-evaluate your stance. Yes initially after testing I felt a bit better - having a plan forward, having a clear answer. But I can tell you emotionally I needed much more therapy now at the second year mark, with one -only- one IVF under my belt with 3 failed transfers, one of which a MC.
But I wholeheartedly agree that people should definitely keep in mind the audience they vent their fears to.
But I wholeheartedly agree that people should definitely keep in mind the audience they vent their fears to.
@s3anreilly This is a really thoughtful point, one that I could never truly fully understand because of how new to this I am and I am grateful for your kind perspective. I hope my remark didn’t seem glib (though I fear now it did!) and for that I am sorry. And wishing you, and those with experiences like yours, all the best.
s3anreilly
New member
@s3anreilly Sending such a big hug. This stuff is so, so hard and hits to such a core part of our sense of self. My RE said that in the first appointment and it was extremely nice to have that just addressed immediately, and his insistence that it was okay for this to be incredibly hard. I spent a lot of time pretending a chronic illness diagnosis years ago wasn’t a big deal because I had insensitive doctors. That made it so much harder. I also suspect that if I had to wait a year to start this process I would have not been as okay as I am (I was able to start my testing in month 4 off the pill due to a teenage PCOS diagnosis and immediately onset of PCOS symptoms.) I wish our fertility systems made preliminary testing more possible, too. Anyway. Thinking of you. 
s3anreilly
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katrina2017
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@manitouscott I wonder if people do this as a self defense mechanism, or lowering the bar of expectation, or even attempting to insert some sort of control to something that doesn't seem to be in our control?
It's fascinating you've observed this and thank you for sharing this and I'm sorry if it's making you feel anything less than how you deserve to feel. People can be so weird especially when dealing with fertility and infertility.
It's fascinating you've observed this and thank you for sharing this and I'm sorry if it's making you feel anything less than how you deserve to feel. People can be so weird especially when dealing with fertility and infertility.
littlegrain
New member
@manitouscott Nearly weekly there is a post on Reddit from some 18-25 year old guy who got his girlfriend pregnant miraculously after she was “ told she could never have kids” and it just annoys the fuck out me. Dude she is either straight up lying , she made it up in her head, or she had a diagnosis that might indicate possible difficulty getting pregnant. There are very few absolute diagnosis of sterility. Infertility doesn’t mean sterile, possible infertility doesn’t mean sterile, just because you had unprotected sex and didn’t get pregnant doesn’t mean you can’t. The education system is partly to blame and the stupidity of people with under developed frontal lobes.
raymond723
New member
@manitouscott Claiming you’re infertile or thinking you could be based on no success within the first few months of TTC is definitely insulting to people actually struggling with infertility, no doubt.
With that said, I had a history of irregular cycles before birth control. So when I started TTC, I did have anxiety about the possibility. I probably sounded like one of those people you described. But as months passed, BFNs everywhere, and I became anovulatory, I knew something was up. Turns out I have PCOS, needed treatment from an RE, and was possibly releasing immature eggs during my ovulatory cycles this entire time. I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m infertile (although the year mark is approaching fast for me) but at the most, I could be subfertile and I’m now receiving actual medical assistance.
I think there’s a difference between a healthy dose of anxiety/skepticism about your reproductive health - especially since women’s healthcare isn’t exactly given the care and attention it needs - and thinking you are a medical miracle that overcame infertility for sympathy points because it took longer than anticipated. Unfortunately, some of us here need to take a step back and self-reflect on that more than others.
With that said, I had a history of irregular cycles before birth control. So when I started TTC, I did have anxiety about the possibility. I probably sounded like one of those people you described. But as months passed, BFNs everywhere, and I became anovulatory, I knew something was up. Turns out I have PCOS, needed treatment from an RE, and was possibly releasing immature eggs during my ovulatory cycles this entire time. I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m infertile (although the year mark is approaching fast for me) but at the most, I could be subfertile and I’m now receiving actual medical assistance.
I think there’s a difference between a healthy dose of anxiety/skepticism about your reproductive health - especially since women’s healthcare isn’t exactly given the care and attention it needs - and thinking you are a medical miracle that overcame infertility for sympathy points because it took longer than anticipated. Unfortunately, some of us here need to take a step back and self-reflect on that more than others.
manitouscott
New member
@raymond723 Great comment, thank you. I have a history of irregular cycles, hypothyroidism, and a couple of other issues that suggested TTC could be difficult, so I also had some anxiety when we started – though mixed with optimism, if that makes sense. I can empathise with people who are anxious about their reproductive health from the start but, as you say, there’s a difference between being skeptical and claiming infertility before you even have a chance to find out.
s3anreilly
New member
@raymond723 Subfertile and infertile are medically the same thing, defined as trying for a year. Some regions favour one term over the other.
I think op made pretty clear that having valid concerns and seeing a doctor over it is okay. I also had concerns about my irregular cycle, I didn't go to the doctor early though because I did ovulate on my own. When we got the one year mark it turned out I have PCOS - but that's not the issue at all. It's (as far as we are aware) male factor infertility (or here is called male subfertility).
There are plenty of people who conceive just fine even with a diagnosis that could potentially affect fertility (like PCOS or endo).
It's okay to have concerns and discuss them with the doctor, but it's important to chose the right crowd to vent the feelings to - so not venting to people about a fear that is their reality. It's really like venting to someone who's doing cancer treatment about the fear of maybe getting cancer.
I think op made pretty clear that having valid concerns and seeing a doctor over it is okay. I also had concerns about my irregular cycle, I didn't go to the doctor early though because I did ovulate on my own. When we got the one year mark it turned out I have PCOS - but that's not the issue at all. It's (as far as we are aware) male factor infertility (or here is called male subfertility).
There are plenty of people who conceive just fine even with a diagnosis that could potentially affect fertility (like PCOS or endo).
It's okay to have concerns and discuss them with the doctor, but it's important to chose the right crowd to vent the feelings to - so not venting to people about a fear that is their reality. It's really like venting to someone who's doing cancer treatment about the fear of maybe getting cancer.
raymond723
New member
@s3anreilly I’m aware there are plenty of people with PCOS who can conceive without issue. I have not been one of those easily-conceiving PCOS people because I’m anovulatory. Unless I happen to conceive within the next two months, I’ve hit the year mark.
For me, subfertility includes the possibility of conceiving alone, without medical intervention. Infertility includes the year mark and the inability to conceive without medical help. I made it pretty clear I didn’t feel comfortable labeling myself infertile or subfertile - just the closest I could be okay with is subfertile. Neither are something I call myself yet.
I’m also aware that audience matters in terms of conversation.
For me, subfertility includes the possibility of conceiving alone, without medical intervention. Infertility includes the year mark and the inability to conceive without medical help. I made it pretty clear I didn’t feel comfortable labeling myself infertile or subfertile - just the closest I could be okay with is subfertile. Neither are something I call myself yet.
I’m also aware that audience matters in terms of conversation.
