Hi all - I am agonizing over the decision to have a second child or not. I feel like it was a super easy decision to have one, but after pregnancy, delivery, and postpartum (and the first year of broken sleep) I am so much more hesitant to have a second. Everyone around me is moving on to their second pregnancies, and on hard days I am 100% OAD. On easy days or days where I feel more rested, it seems more feasible to have another. I’m diagnosed OCD and GAD and this topic has become an obsession. I constantly think about it, read about it, and look for some sort of “light bulb” moment to give me clarity so I can move on. The thing is, I don’t think having a second would do my mental health any good. I worry about PPA and the long term stress of having another child. I want to be the best mom I can be, and I am not sure I’ll be able to achieve that with 2. My question is - why is this so hard to decide on? I think about my level of fulfillment and I’m totally fulfilled with my daughter. I just sometimes romanticize a second child when I think about holidays and the future (my daughter having someone to lean on after my husband and I are gone). Did anyone feel more content in their decision to be OAD as time went on? My daughter is only 19 months. I’m 34 and I know there’s still time.. I’m just tired most of the time and don’t see myself having a baby in my late 30s. I just worry about the risks and having the energy for it. I think I know deep down I’m OAD but can’t seem to stop obsessing over the “right” decision!
Obsessing over this decision.
- Thread starter jenny404
- Start date
@jenny404 I think the right decision is sometimes the one you end up going with. The thing is we only know what we regret with hindsight. To have hindsight we have to make the decisions first. Idk if I wrote that to make sense lol.
I think a lot of people agonize over this decision, afraid of regret. A good portion of me thinks I'm truly done having kids, but I still feel that pull. I still go back and forth on wanting more and wanting just what I have. I think a huge part of me not wanting another surrounds not wanting to go through pregnancy/newborn sleep deprivation/baby stage and crying crying stage .. man that was so rough (my youngest is 2.5 and I'm still struggling with tantrums). Did a number on my mental health after having multiple kids.
When I was debating on a third (bc two was always our default number), I enjoyed reading this advice column several times, found it very thoughtful. "The ghost ship that didn't carry us" by Cheryl strayed.
I think a lot of people agonize over this decision, afraid of regret. A good portion of me thinks I'm truly done having kids, but I still feel that pull. I still go back and forth on wanting more and wanting just what I have. I think a huge part of me not wanting another surrounds not wanting to go through pregnancy/newborn sleep deprivation/baby stage and crying crying stage .. man that was so rough (my youngest is 2.5 and I'm still struggling with tantrums). Did a number on my mental health after having multiple kids.
When I was debating on a third (bc two was always our default number), I enjoyed reading this advice column several times, found it very thoughtful. "The ghost ship that didn't carry us" by Cheryl strayed.
duffystreet
New member
@jenny404 One thing that helped me, is thinking more short term. The future is hard to plan and predict. If you raise a socially adjusted child, then they will very likely have a partner to join for holidays and to lean on support when you age.
For me, I kept looking for that short term gap. For example, do I feel like someone us missing now? When I do our daily tasks (good & bad), do I see myself taking a baby/toddler along? Or am I relieved by the easy of only having one?
Thinking about your capacity is also fair. Reddit is drowning in examples of parents. I know I "could" survive if I was pregnant with a second kid, but I know I'd be impatient, snappish, etc and I'd rather be a better version of myself for one. However you might have more capacity so my choice doesn't have to be yours.
For me, I kept looking for that short term gap. For example, do I feel like someone us missing now? When I do our daily tasks (good & bad), do I see myself taking a baby/toddler along? Or am I relieved by the easy of only having one?
Thinking about your capacity is also fair. Reddit is drowning in examples of parents. I know I "could" survive if I was pregnant with a second kid, but I know I'd be impatient, snappish, etc and I'd rather be a better version of myself for one. However you might have more capacity so my choice doesn't have to be yours.
@jenny404 I am right there with you, and I’m already trying for #2. And as the months go by without getting pregnant, I get less and less sure that I want another one. My little one is currently 4 1/2.
This past week I chatted with a friend about my fears that my little one would feel intense pressure to be perfect growing up because she’s an only. And that’s how I felt as an only kid growing up - my mom and dad are super intense, and there was a lot of fighting if I brought home less than an A+.
But then my friend said something that knocked my socks off - that children with siblings often have that same exact pressure, but they just feel it in comparison to another kid. What?!? It made me reflect on how much I might be trying to fix my own childhood by having another baby - as opposed to just being the best mom that I can be with the kiddo that I have.
So I’m not sure if that’s helpful. But maybe obsessing less on the decision and more on thinking about what experiences you want your kid to have/do/enjoy… some parents feel like the “sibling experience” is so important that they’d do anything to have it… maybe that’s not the case for me… or for you?
This past week I chatted with a friend about my fears that my little one would feel intense pressure to be perfect growing up because she’s an only. And that’s how I felt as an only kid growing up - my mom and dad are super intense, and there was a lot of fighting if I brought home less than an A+.
But then my friend said something that knocked my socks off - that children with siblings often have that same exact pressure, but they just feel it in comparison to another kid. What?!? It made me reflect on how much I might be trying to fix my own childhood by having another baby - as opposed to just being the best mom that I can be with the kiddo that I have.
So I’m not sure if that’s helpful. But maybe obsessing less on the decision and more on thinking about what experiences you want your kid to have/do/enjoy… some parents feel like the “sibling experience” is so important that they’d do anything to have it… maybe that’s not the case for me… or for you?
@jenny404 My son is almost 18 months and I have OCD too so have been in and out of your boat haha. Right now I am feeling very content to be OAD for my mental health and reminding myself that I can change my mind in the future helps me keep my mind off of it and enjoying the present moment. I think it's super important since if we do end up OAD we will never experience this stage again and should try our best to soak it all in. Good luck to you! 
P.S. Check out "101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think" by Brianna West. In the very beginning she talks about the psychology behind fear of regret and that it's actually impossible to know what will make us happy in the future - we're all just guessing based on past experiences.
P.S. Check out "101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think" by Brianna West. In the very beginning she talks about the psychology behind fear of regret and that it's actually impossible to know what will make us happy in the future - we're all just guessing based on past experiences.
@jenny404 I was also obsessing over making the decision. My baby is 7 months and I have been heavily leaving OAD since he was 4 months old. My mental health was horrible the first 5 months. Now he is almost 8 months and it’s so much easier that life feels perfect (for the most part lol) and I feel like adding in a second child would make my mental health suffer even worse the second time. My husband was content being OAD and offered to get a vasectomy so I decided to grieve the idea of a second child and to stay OAD! He is getting a vasectomy next month and it has brought me a lot of peace to have made the decision permanently! We thought of waiting until our son was two years old but I needed to make a decision because I was having so much anxiety about going through everything again. My husband is an only child so that also made me feel like my son will be perfectly fine without siblings.
pentecostoday
New member
@jenny404 I can relate. I would say give yourself time and grace. I was in a similar situation and I was obsessing over making the decision to have a second child. As years went by, it became clearer to me what I wanted to do. It just came to my mind what I should do. Sure there is a risk of waiting and becoming older and wondering if you can conceive easily and feeling like you will be more tired and less energetic etc etc but I am so glad that I didn’t make such a life altering decision when I felt unsure, anxious, and somewhat fearful about it. It took almost 2 years but I feel content with my decision.
@pentecostoday What was your decision in the end if you don’t mind me asking
pentecostoday
New member
@clare5890 We are OAD. I felt the pressure to have a second child was coming from societal expectations that I was putting on myself mostly. I was looking at other families with multiple kids around me and thought that was the norm as someone who also grew up with one sibling. Yes, I may be happier once kids are older and more independent but I wanted to focus on my family’s well-being in the present.
The biggest reason for us was lack of support system. We can’t just drop off kids with grandparents for a week. Sure, we could hire help but it has been hard to find reliable help and they have been expensive. Maybe one of us could stay home and raise kids for few years then enter the workforce but neither of us wanted to give up our career. With rising costs of living we should keep working and saving. With one child we were able to somehow manage everything by hiring nannies and sending our kid to daycare but with multiple kids I don’t think we will be able to manage. Our mental health will take a toll. Our marriage may be negatively affected.
Other reasons were difficult pregnancy, labour and delivery, and postpartum anxiety/rage. Sleep deprivation was a torture, too. And I did not feel like I wanted a second child badly to ignore all these things that are still possible with a second child.
I think there are many advantages of being OAD. More comfortable lifestyle, less stress for the family, and better work life balance for parents. Research has shown that only children tend to be intelligent and grow up with similar social skills as kids with siblings so I don’t believe in only children stereotypes.
I wrote a long, long answer to your simple question because I also struggled a lot for a long time on whether to have a second child. I hope this helps. Raising kids is stressful but I can understand they bring lots of joy and happiness as well so good luck to you in making the decision.
The biggest reason for us was lack of support system. We can’t just drop off kids with grandparents for a week. Sure, we could hire help but it has been hard to find reliable help and they have been expensive. Maybe one of us could stay home and raise kids for few years then enter the workforce but neither of us wanted to give up our career. With rising costs of living we should keep working and saving. With one child we were able to somehow manage everything by hiring nannies and sending our kid to daycare but with multiple kids I don’t think we will be able to manage. Our mental health will take a toll. Our marriage may be negatively affected.
Other reasons were difficult pregnancy, labour and delivery, and postpartum anxiety/rage. Sleep deprivation was a torture, too. And I did not feel like I wanted a second child badly to ignore all these things that are still possible with a second child.
I think there are many advantages of being OAD. More comfortable lifestyle, less stress for the family, and better work life balance for parents. Research has shown that only children tend to be intelligent and grow up with similar social skills as kids with siblings so I don’t believe in only children stereotypes.
I wrote a long, long answer to your simple question because I also struggled a lot for a long time on whether to have a second child. I hope this helps. Raising kids is stressful but I can understand they bring lots of joy and happiness as well so good luck to you in making the decision.
@jenny404 I’m 30 and have 3 boys 10,4 and 2 months. My 10 year old doesn’t live with us he’s from a previous relationship. Only reason why I agreed to have another with my wife. Honestly it’s pretty hard mentally including the change in the family dynamic. My 4 year old has autism and he is already kinda done with his brother and the crying. I feel bad because he enjoys his space and I feel like I don’t have enough time for him now because of the new baby and work. I told his mom this would happen but you live and you learn. I say go for it if you think you can handle it mentally during the first year. I have a brother and I’m really close with him we talk everyday.