My wife don’t want to get kids any longer

[neo1314]

Hi! I have been married since 2018 and have a wife who will soon turn 37. We have always talked and thought that children would come in the future, but about 2 years ago my wife withdrew from this and says that she no longer wishes to have children and she sees more benefits in life as it is. No kids at all. Since then I have been disappointed because I am 100% sure that I want a child, but at the same time I want to stay with my wife whom I love dearly. My wife says she feels a little forced to have children against her will, and thinks I should take command and kind of make the decision. I am torn about forcing her to have children, and at the same time we are running against the age clock.

Does anyone have any tips on how to get your partner to want to have a baby, or even have good suggestions on how I should act?

Sincerely
A lost husband

 

[helenen]

@neo1314 This is beyond reddits paygrade, you two need marriage counseling now.

 

[harveywilson]

@helenen Yeah, this is definitely existential for a relationship. If OP forces the issue, his kids will have an unwilling mother and a relationship full of resentment. If OP doesn’t force the issue, OP may have a lifetime full of regret.

This is fundamental compatibility here…

 

[602cathconvert]

@helenen I don't see counseling helping here. Nobody is wrong, OP wants a baby, his wife doesn't.

OP you will have to choose. Stay with your wife or have a family with children, you can't have both. If you stay with your wife you will have to find a way to be okay letting go of the kid you could have had. If you can't do that you will hurt yourself and your wife for years to come.

 

[inhisname1968]

@neo1314 you don't "get her" to want to have a baby. you can go to marriage counseling and see if she's open to changing her mind. if she really isn't, then it's up to you to choose between staying with your wife and giving up on the idea of children (without resentment towards her), or giving up on the marriage to pursue being a dad.

but really, if she doesn't want kids, you can't force her, nor make the decision for her. if she wants you to "make the decision" though, it sounds like she's open to the possibility that she could change her mind.

 

[neo1314]

@inhisname1968 Really good input. Thanks

 

[skatergirl4life]

@neo1314 Also remember that as sad as you might be to lose the relationship with her, if you go on to have children with another woman you will experience love again with your children and a good partner if you choose wisely.

Before potentially blowing up your marriage over this though, please go and have your fertility checked first. Fertility issues are pretty evenly split between men and women and there is no other way for you to know that you have a low sperm count etc.

 

[miuna]

@inhisname1968 This is great guidance, I second this

 

[sally_a]

@neo1314 You can't make this decision alone. Your wife dumping it on you is not healthy. Marriage counseling is the best bet.

 

[neo1314]

@sally_a Thanks for that input. I appreciate it. Seems many believe in marriage counseling - I will consider that

 

[janehenry]

@sally_a Yeah, that's just asking for trouble. Both people have to be completely behind it, of thier own free will, or disaster awaits.

I love my kids, and I'd do anything for them. But fuck me they are hard work sometimes. The vast majority of my days are wake up at 530am, herd sheep trying to get everyone ready. Despite having 2.5 hours, still leave the house late, in a blind panic, forgetting at least 3 things. Drag everyone across town, drop for late for work again, do a full day, where being constantly behind does nothing for imposter syndrome, pick everyone up, feed everyone, get homework done, argue over sammy slime, bath, wash teeth,feel guilt because I forgot teeth in the morning, stories struggle to get everyone to sleep, cook adult dinner, vague effort at containing house mess. Poke at computer for 5 mins, realise I'm far too tired, pass out on couch, wake at 2 to crawl into bed, ready to start it all again in 3 hours.

I love them and think it's worth it, but couldn't do it without the support of my wife. She works shift work, so is sometimes gone from before they wake up till after they are in bed, sometimes all night, sometimes all morning. And almost 3 year old is still breastfed. So wife takes the midnight wakeups, the deep cleaning of the house, and most the organisation and planning.

So our jobs are quite asymmetric. And often invisible to each other. Even with a solid understanding we both wanted this, every day is a struggle to keep the resentment gremlins at bay. We'd never make it if we didn't have frequent, honest conversations about our workload and how we felt about it.

Your wife is setting herself up with the ultimate weapon to sink those conversations.

 

[lalpulamte]

@janehenry Good god lol. Im picturing you with like 15 kids... Cant be that bad..

 

[janehenry]

@lalpulamte Haha, just the 2, but it feels like 15 sometimes! Wife works shifts, and is studying for a degree, and has a 2nd job. So at times it can feel like I'm essentially a single parent. And neither of her jobs bring in much money, so I pay for the vast majority of things too.

But that's just temporary, and she does a lot of the organisation side of things that I'm rubbish at and don't often realise need to be done. A lot of the times, she feels she's doing the majority of the work and worries about her grades slipping. And the things I do, don't come naturally to me, but they do to her, so she can see it as not as a big a deal.

Which, admittedly, all I described above isn't that much. If you're doing it the odd time. But doing it 4 days a week, and a slightly lesser the other 3, each and every week, for months and years, and it drags. And some days are easier than others. Do it once, and luck into an easy day, and you'll think I've got it made.

I kinda think if you ever feel like your doing your fair share, you're probably not. Most of the time, things are great. But both of you are going to have your moments when you're low, things are piling up, and the other isn't pulling their weight. It's important to be able to talk through it. If one person can throw up the 'well, you wanted this' or 'it's your project,
own it' walls, and the other can't, they are at a major advantage.

I realise it sounds a little doomy and pessimistic. It mostly isn't like this. But realisticly, no matter how well intentioned and good natured you are, you're going to have off moments when everything is going wrong, and you find yourself in behaviour modes you swore you'd never do. They can and should be countered, but left unchecked, will erode the foundations of the strongest marriages.

In fact I don't even think a strong marriage is the absence of these moments, it's the dealings with them and strengthening the pillars. I'm not saying it won't or can't work out for OP, but they are starting out with one pillar already having structural cracks.

 

[lalpulamte]

@janehenry Amen. I feel this 100%. My wife has been a stay at home mom for the majority of my 16 month olds life. For a brief period of about 2ish months, I left my job to pursue starting my own business, and she went back to work full-time.. This was a valuable lesson for both of us.. My stay at home version is different than hers (she thinks this just means sit in the boys room and scroll through tiktok for the entire day) and I knew itd be difficult (because I see that role encompassing most things home related.. laundry, dishes, cleaning up, getting bills paid, scheduling appointments... basic shit)
Whereas she has a habit of thinking the grass is always greener on the other side, I expect the worst and hope for decent. But I think we both gained some perspective and appreciation for eachothers efforts. (Still think she's lazy as hell)

 

[marshandy]

@neo1314 If I were in that position, cruel as it is I would never allow myself to miss out on having a child if at all possible. I think I'd honestly try marriage counselling first (in case she changes her mind) but ultimately divorce if she didn't want it because you can't force someone to want a baby and if they don't want it then family life will be miserable.

So sorry you're in that position. Having children was one thing I was always sure about and would never have compromised on. You only get one life.

 

[jlkx]

@marshandy Yea, what a tough situation. I feel the same way. If someone before we had kids came to us and said, I’ll give you $100k if you don’t have kids, both my wife and I would have said absolutely no way, we want kids. It’s just fundamental to a desired lifestyle and compatability here are table stakes unfortunately.

 

[strangematter]

@neo1314 All I'll say is I've never witnessed a couple I'd describe as happy where one person wanted kids and the other did not.

 

[neo1314]

@strangematter How weird it may sound, I am happy for my wife and will hate to leave her. I just know I would be happier with kids with her.

 

[ssharon]

@neo1314 Trust me, having kids with her if she doesn’t really want them will be horrible. Having kids is really hard (and really rewarding). You have to live for them and you can’t do that with one person who lives for something else. It’s also incredibly cruel to the child to give them a mother who doesn’t care. Honestly, IF you did that you’re just being selfish and probably not mature enough to be a good parent yourself.

 

[krissiej2015]

@neo1314 There's a big reason kids is a conversation at the beginning of the relationship

Head to a marriage counselor