Wife wants another. I'm not excited about it

[brittanys]

@alsdpa In regards to the birth, is she wanting a VBAC or a repeat c section? Repeat/scheduled csections are a vastly different experience than emergency. It’s still major surgery but it’s just not the same as laboring and then having an emergency c section. I’ve had two c sections and the recovery on my second was so much easier than my first. That’s pretty common.

It sounds like you have a lot more to consider than just the birth but I wanted to put that out there in case it helps. Your wife likely has already thought about it and heard stories from friends so having a conversation with her about her birth plans and how it affected you last time will help ease those particular concerns.

 

[alsdpa]

@brittanys She hasn't seen a doctor. She doesn't know if she would do vbac or c section. She thinks her body is up for another delivery and gets defensive when I bring up the c section.

 

[johanaanderso]

@alsdpa She can’t get defensive about people bringing up a csection. If she’s attempting a VBAC every doctor and nurse she talks to is going to bring up the potential for a csection and the risks/ pros and cons. And I believe they’re only successful like half the time. For what it’s worth, I had a scheduled csection and it is waaaay less stressful. We picked a time and had the baby delivered in like 45 minutes.

 

[johanaanderso]

@alsdpa Ugh that's tough. She's going to be in for a rude awakening once she actually gets pregnant and goes to the doctor appointments. Medical staff are going to bring up the possibility of a c-section frequently and will probably make her have a plan in place for either contingency. She needs to be prepared for either outcome.

 

[12345susie]

@johanaanderso VBACs have a higher rate of ending in a vaginal birth than the average of all births do in the US. It's like 80% vs 68%. The problem is most women aren't counseled appropriately on them.

 

[heathermig]

@alsdpa I’m 38 and just had my second. Tbh my husband wasn’t overjoyed at the thought of doing the baby years all over again (me neither but I think it’s less stressful than he does), but we love having our four year old. We thought about what we would like our family to look like in the long run.

 

[alsdpa]

@heathermig Thanks for sharing. Do you remember what led to your husband agreeing to a second kid?

ETA: if you weren't overjoyed at the idea of a second kid what led you to decide to have another?

 

[heathermig]

@alsdpa He agreed because he also wanted a sibling for our oldest and when we picture our family in ten years, twenty years, us in old age, we wanted to have more than one child.

We just find having an infant hard (mainly the sleep deprivation and our oldest had terrible colic, our second doesn’t though so that’s a relief) but it’s such a short time they are babies and having bigger kids is great.

 

[lucas777]

@heathermig This is refreshing to hear (lots of negatives on this post). I’m a similar age to you with a nearly 3yo, and considering a second. The negging voices are strong though!

 

[katrina2017]

@alsdpa Are you me? My only five year old is starting to say the exact same thing, she wants a baby sister and it is kinda heartbreaking to hear. I just can’t imagine going through the first two years again. Like yours she was a terrible sleeper for years. any other concern is the five year age gap when she’s ten she won’t be interested in playing with a five year old. Then again it is really enriching to have siblings as an adult.

 

[alsdpa]

@katrina2017 Hah! Glad to hear I'm not alone.

Hearing my son talk about brothers and sisters is a bit heartbreaking... and the age gap is a concern - he is almost six so the age gap will be closer to 7 years.

 

[victorianmaiden]

@alsdpa In my personal opinion as an only child, my husband and i believe personally in having as short of gap as possible to share experiences together. We had a second and got pregnant before her second birthday. After that because im an only i would have had immense guilt if she could remember her life as an only and then change it. I would have not tried after her second birthday. I knew she would be fine. This is a personal belief for us. Obviously others get by fine, but for me personally i dont think young kids realize as onlies when they ask for siblings how much will change for them

 

[marvin33]

@victorianmaiden Yes, our only is 3 and occasionally asks for a sibling, because he's at the age where a lot of daycare buddies are 'getting' siblings, but he has no idea what that really means. He conceptualises a built in bestie his age. When we explain that a sibling would be a baby and how our lives would change, and that mummy and daddy would not be able to give him our undivided attention, he always decides he doesn't want a sibling (but does want to travel instead!). I think he's known the only life for so long now - it would be a big shock for him if that changed.

 

[born94]

@victorianmaiden Bingo!

That’s why it is important to remember that kids ask for many things and not to have guilt over the things you cannot provide to them, for one reason or another, including a sibling. We do the best we can for our kids, which looks different in every case.

My son is 4 and asked for a baby once. When I told him his dad and I would be pretty busy taking care of the baby and wouldn’t have as much time to play or hang out with him, he changed his mind

Either way, it’s not my son’s choice. One day he can choose a family size that works for him, but having one child worked best for us. I feel confident that I give my son my very best version of myself every day — I gentle parent, rarely lose my temper, do experiments with him, take him so many places, etc. He sees a really healthy marriage (and think, many kids with siblings don’t). We don’t have financial worries and we can provide my kid with experiences that make us all happy.

All this to say, your child is an individual who will have ups and downs in life. Siblings can add something, or not. There are no guarantees in any of it. So the best thing to do is teach your child resiliency and how to be happy as themselves.

Best wishes!

 

[johnacola]

@alsdpa You sound like us. We are going for it but he’s not stoked. Those baby years are short and I’m going to do a c section. I had to think about what I would regret more over time

 

[alsdpa]

@johnacola I'm curious if you can share what led your partner to decide to go for another kid in spite of being "not stoked" ?

 

[jannsis]

@alsdpa If your spouse is determined enough that not doing it will affect your marriage, then many would opt to do it to make their partner happy. That is what happened to a couple I am close to. He chose his wife's feelings over his own, he never changed his mind.

 

[johnacola]

@alsdpa He’s mostly not happy about doing the baby stage again and would be fine if to just have one. He realizes it will be fine and will love the baby and knows I want it so is willing

 

[onlybyhisgrace1]

@alsdpa Have you guys talked this through with a counselor? I think it could benefit.

However, I am in the camp that if both people are not 100% a yes, then it’s a no, period. Having a kid is way too big of a thing to not both be 100% on board.

 

[chosenremnant]

@alsdpa Best case scenario, running around after a new baby with a 6 year old in tow. Worst case scenario, your wife dies and you have to bring up two youngsters on your own. Personally, I wouldn't gamble with my wife's life.