My wife don’t want to get kids any longer

[horserider4ever]

@neo1314 Ohh when we had the foster it was definitely my fault. She did what she had to do without complaint but she never wanted it and I believe that is part of why they never attached. However I think the bigger reason was the trauma the kid dealt with.

As for the baby I don't think she blames me. I had stopped asking for a kid years ago. She knew I wanted one but I had consigned myself to never having a bio kid.

In ten years would there have been resentment if we didn't try? She thinks I would have resented her and maybe she is right...but I didn't think so I wanted the kid more than the wife in thr beggining however I am pretty good at rolling with the punches let the past be the past and enjoy today.

 

[horserider4ever]

@fred8 Do I worry about it.... I do sometimes but not often I more worry about things going wrong. I think she will be a great mother and have told her that for years. Sure she hates chaos and loves plans so the toddler years will be horrible but they will pass and I firmly believe in nuture over nature. So after they have learned how we expect things it should work out most of the time.

 

[fred8]

@horserider4ever Congrats to your and your wife! Parenting is the best thing in the world

 

[princessjinifer]

@neo1314 Check out r/fencesitter

 

[mkonu]

@neo1314 As others have said, couples counseling now.

 

[piper64]

@neo1314 Do not try and convince her 1 on 1 to have children. She has told you she doesn't want any. You don't want to be with someone who does not want to be your child's mother.

People are suggesting counseling which can help, but only if she is open to going. If she doesn't want to go and is only going for you, it probably will not help and it could even make things worse as she may just resent you for forcing her to go. Counseling is not for everyone. Certainly ask her, but do not force her.

Whether you do counseling or not, you may come to a point where you need to decide is it worth having the wife you love or fulfilling your dream of having a child(ren). It is not an easy decision and there's no right or wrong answer.

It is okay if you leave her bec you want children. Your wife's thoughts on children changed, and yours did not.

 

[aerithh]

@neo1314 Ultimately it's up to her, not you. You can either be OK with it and enjoy your life together or choose to be unhappy. As others have suggested, maybe try marriage counseling.

 

[s1a1om]

@neo1314 The part where she doesn’t want to be forced to have a baby but then wants you to take command and make a decision is absolutely baffling.

Maybe it’s a test if you say to have kids she leaves you, if you say not to then you can stay together. If your life goals are fundamentally incompatible you should probably part ways.

 

[neo1314]

@s1a1om She knows I want a baby, but I have not acted or made a decision to really get it yet.

 

[raffy313]

@neo1314 Did you consider adoption? Maybe the whole deal about having a child being problematic for her is also about the dangers of having it late, and the toll on the body a woman goes through when making, delivering and caring for a baby.

I believe a lot of talking still has to be made between both of you, try to really get in the deep of her reasoning, and also yours of why you feel like you want a child.

 

[mikepaperchaserb]

@neo1314 You have to decide how important it is to you. When my wife and I met I was very clear that I didn't want kids. She definitely did but it also wasn't a deal breaker for her and consistently said that she'd be happy either way. It took quite awhile but I came around on the idea after several years and as we were running up against her biological clock we took the plunge this last year.

Point is, you need to decide if it's a deal breaker. If she chooses to have kids despite not wanting them she may end up resenting you and when things get hard the blame and responsibility will probably be placed on you. You could easily end up very unhappy and divorced in the end with some sort of custody arrangement.

Also, kids deserve to be born to parents that want them. They'd be the real victims in the end.

 

[patrickcm1512]

@neo1314 Marriage counseling and discussions on adoption may be your path forward.

 

[ws371]

@neo1314 My wife said kids soon or I’m leaving. So we had a son and it’s been great so far.

If she’s firm on not having kids and you do, you have to make a decision. Time waits for nobody.

 

[francisco3]

@neo1314 If she truly doesn't want a child and you "make her" have one, she is going to resent you (and very likely the child as well).

If you truly want a child and don't have one to keep your marriage going, you are going to resent her for depriving you on the chance to be a father.

You all need to get to counseling to talk through this in a healthy way, but you need to be ready to accept that the answer may be that it is time for you to divorce so that you can find a partner that shares your desires. Kids are an absolute non-negotiable and dealbreaker-type issue in a marriage.

 

[lisabet]

@neo1314 She just said what you have to do. Do you want a child or not?

 

[neo1314]

@lisabet I want both her as wife and mother to our baby . So that’s the dilemma. I believe I somehow have to decide what I want most

 

[lisabet]

@neo1314 You can have both. She wants you to be a man and make a decision.

 

[sunnygirl72]

@neo1314 Leave her

 

[userischris]

@sunnygirl72 Idk why this is downvoted so much, that very well might be the solution here.

If OP chooses his partner over his desire for children, will he be okay with this for the rest of his life? Will his partner be okay with knowing there might be resentment there.

End of the day both people in a relationship need to be happy or it just won’t work. There’s no sucking it up, like others suggest.

I know people can change their minds about wanting children at any time obviously, but it’s still shit for OP going into a marriage having an agreement kids was on the cards together.

 

[janehenry]

@userischris Yeah. Not every breakup has to be a big, dramatic thing. There's a fundamental incompatibility here. If that can't be resolved, you have 3 choices.

You can part amicably while you have the chance, each of you can have a shot at happiness with a new partner, have sort of friendly relationship.

You can stay your course, browbeat her into having kids, kids are HARD work, struggle to divide it. You get 'you forced this on me' thrown in your face while trying to sooth a crying baby for the 8th time in the night at 3am, when you have an important meeting in the morning. Resentment builds, fights start, and it all blows up. Alimony, lawyers, child support, and tramatised kids. Everyone's misrable.

You don't have kids, feel sad about it every day until the window it's possible passes, resentment builds, affection fades.