My wife don’t want to get kids any longer

[neo1314]

@krissiej2015 Well, but what if both agree on kids, then the other changes meaning after 7 years together?

 

[skatergirl4life]

@neo1314 You have a point - the person who commented is probably thinking about relationships where people meet later in life and are dating / marrying with purpose. When you get together with someone at 20 for example, the situation is completely different because you were at a different stage in your life then

 

[krissiej2015]

@skatergirl4life Noooo you should really have kids conversations after like 1-2 years even if you're like 22.

It's a big part of life

 

[skatergirl4life]

@krissiej2015 I don’t know what country you’re from but in my country most educated people and most economically unstable people have zero intention of having a child or thinking about children around that age - there are too many other milestones they want to attempt to reach first before entertaining the conversation (a secure graduate job with plenty of experience under their belt, a well-paying and stable role, owning a house, spending some time travelling, finding ‘the one ‘ etc

 

[krissiej2015]

@skatergirl4life And yet OP was very convinced he wanted to have kids for his whole life by the sound of it

I agree with you. Depending on the country some people think about and plan for the future and others don't, that doesn't mean that's a good idea though.

But how and why people would get married when they didn't both agree on yes or no for kids, classic blunder.

If you 100% know you want to have kids, once you're engaged don't hide that.

There's a mixed message here if wife was maybe we'll have a kid most of their relationship then changed her mind, or if they just never really talked about it

 

[skatergirl4life]

@krissiej2015 I agree that the conversation should take place before marriage. It sounds as though they did agree initially, but she changed her mind, which she is entitled to do. He said she didn’t want them ‘any longer’.

Earlier, I was just commenting upon the idea that 21 year olds should have the conversation. They should, but often don’t. I still agree that it should take place. In addition, what they say so young is not necessarily the same as what they will say later.

I agree that marriage without having the conversation is a bad idea, but it doesn’t sound as though that’s what happened here.

 

[krissiej2015]

@skatergirl4life Maybe, idk, either way my advice is the same

Get to marriage counselor ASAP

 

[skatergirl4life]

@krissiej2015 Agreed

 

[atiehgirl]

@neo1314 People are allowed to change their mind, especially about something this important.

You are allowed to say “I love you, but kids aren’t something to compromise on” and go your separate ways.

 

[krissiej2015]

@neo1314 That's when you involve professionals

It's an unusual move

 

[4dlulz]

@neo1314 Then that is their prerogative, it’s her body at the end of the day, she’s allowed to change her mind in regards to children. You cannot force her to have children if she no longer wants them.

 

[stormie_renee]

@neo1314 Having a kid is such a strain on ANY relationship, and you don’t want to add her resentment toward you into the mix.

 

[skatergirl4life]

@stormie_renee OP, really listen to this - if your wife is not on board please do not try to persuade her. It is HARD on the body, on your relationship and especially for the first year. If you’re planning for her to stay home and she isn’t excited then she can easily get postpartum depression and rage and you will not only be unhappy around her but also fear for the baby’s safety and wellbeing. Nothing can prepare you for the reality of life with a baby until you experience it yourself and you both need to be mentally strong to not only avoid neglecting and harming a child who you feel is depriving you of every ounce of your independence and freedom, but also to support your wife in what will be some of the darkest moments you may experience until you get out of the newborn phase until around 5 -6 months.

The reality is that childbearing and rearing is fundamentally unequal. You cannot take on the entire burden or half of it by virtue of your biological sex and also the fact you most likely are the breadwinner who must continue earning. Even if you are not the breadwinner, the process of pregnancy and the fact it will essentially last an entire year, can destroy even the strongest of relationships.

Right now, it seems that you may not know the repercussions of what you seek and that’s okay - naivety is what allows our species to procreate and you will no doubt be happier long term with kids if that is what you believe you want.

However, in the short term it is hellish and you and your partner both need to be on board to make it work. If your mother looks back at the time when you were a child with rose-tinted glasses, just remember that that is all they are - rose-tinted glasses. It is NOT easy.

If you and your wife go to counselling and cannot seem to agree then you may need to part ways amicably. Don’t force this on her or ‘persuade’ her. Tell her it needs to be HER decision and that you do not want her to make the decision out of fear of losing the relationship. Time heals and if the decision is made to leave the relationship you will eventually move on with a new partner.

 

[stormie_renee]

@skatergirl4life Exactly! The first year, especially if exclusively nursing, is inherently unequal with the load falling on mom. And sometimes, the kiddo just wants mom! We just reached year 2 and things are starting to become much, much smoother.

My wife and I barely ever argue, but I’ll tell ya, things were touch and go in the beginning.

 

[jlo]

@neo1314 My wife after getting married decided she didn't want kids. I was crushed. I worked on it with her and she eventually agreed to one.

Fast forward we have two amazing daughters ages five and two.

Work on it with her. Talk it all through.

 

[neo1314]

@jlo Love this. How was her pregnancy and motherhood in the beginning?

 

[jlo]

@neo1314 She's an all star. Did great.

 

[horserider4ever]

@neo1314 I don't know of any life changing mind changing miracle suggestions. However, I was in that same boat. My wife had changed her minds on kids and I had turned to foster/adoption as an option. She agreed to try that since the foster wasn't permanent and she could change her mind.

While the teenager we brought into our home did more to hurt the cause of her wanting kids than help it. The newborn foster baby her mom babysat for 5 days a week that my wife interacted with regularly broke down her conviction to not have kids.

One day she came to me and said I stopped the pill. I'm not saying we try but if it happens it happens. One week later it happened.

She is scared and still worried about the coming changes but each day of the pregnency seems to move her closer to joy at the prospect.

So I guess what I am saying is I don't think a major change can be pushed but maybe just maybe talk to her about hanging around more kids and see how she feels and possibly, eventually, just stop trying to prevent the change. Let Gods will be done...let nature takes its course. Or let fate decide depending on your perspective.

As a believer myself I think if you trust in God he will either prevent or cause a pregancy once you stop trying to force the issue and just say you know what God let your will be done.

 

[fred8]

@horserider4ever Thank you for this comment. Do you worry about how your wife will respond to having a child ?

 

[neo1314]

@fred8 Thank you for sharing. I wish you the best for you and your becoming family.

Has it been a responsibility balance between you two, or does she think you are "more" responsible for deciding to get a kid?