Long term deployment w/o family: would you do it?

[worship26]

@jwesley Yeah boo your husband is softly telling you no. So the real question is is it worth your marriage? Because if he’s already not 100% on board…when the reality sets in…you are getting divorced.

And then…Are you going to give up your parental rights so you can keep this super amazing job? Or are you going to find a different job so you can share custody? And if that’s what you would do…do it now and keep your marriage too.

 

[calebsg]

@jwesley FWIW, pre-kid I was all about my career in a somewhat dangerous and very demanding field. I was with a local agency, in processes with larger government agencies that would demand travel and 24/7 on-call status.

I now work from home at a desk job and I’m NEV.ER. going back to what I did before. It took some soul searching (I’ve literally wanted nothing more my whole life) but I am not my career, and I can still have a fulfilling life without needing to separate myself from my new family.

My mom travelled for work SO much when my brother and I were younger. She is very successful and tried to meet our needs as much as she could, but she says it was her biggest regret. I wouldn’t say I had a traumatic upbringing by any means but therapy (thanks PPD/anxiety) has uncovered a lot that stems from emotionally immature parents, some abandonment themes,

I guess you don’t need to be a superhero to be one for your child. I’m confident there are ways you could teach them about empathy, caring for others, helping those in crisis, without needing to be gone during key developmental times. I know personally, I have zero clue what my mom did for work when I was younger, BUT I remember my dad being the primary caregiver, him forgetting to pick me up after basketball practice multiple times, me calling mom while she was states away

Not trying to pass judgement by any means, just voicing things I myself have worked through. Some women can do/have it all but I know my limits and burnout is a bitch.

 

[jwesley]

@calebsg Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Hearing your story you sound like me in a parallel universe haha I also grew up with a career driven mom with dad as primary carer, had to go into therapy in later years only to discover that my parents were emotionally immature; mysef trying to break the generational trauma etc. So thank you again for your inputs.
Even your previous job sounds a lot like what I did/am about to do. The burn out is real and baby is too precious.

 

[moustafa]

@jwesley It sounds like you’re trying to run away and maybe make up for things you didn’t have in the past. I would really explore with a therapist why this at all appeals to you with a tiny kid at home while knowing families break up commonly due to this sort of thing.

 

[loveofgod220]

@jwesley I also personally wouldn’t. These years are few and precious, and as much as a partner says they are supportive, when they are on day 4 in a row of toddler meltdowns by themselves, I can see resentment being a challenge in the marriage.

I am pro-career generally, especially for working mothers, but I think as parents we have to put some career things on hold and/or out of reach when we choose to have kids. For me, extended absences as long as this would be a no for both myself and my partner (no double standard here - I wouldn’t support my partner doing this either).

But every family and person is different. So that’s just my 2 cents

 

[jcox64]

@jwesley No way. I would never voluntarily be away from my kid for that long. (I travel some for my job, and any longer than 5-6 days is sooo hard.) Your husband would likely struggle mightily with solo parenting plus a high stress job.

I can’t see any reason why this would make sense, unless it pays a bazillion dollars a year but even then…..

 

[jim48]

@jwesley There is no job I could imagine where I would be ok being away from my child for a full year. Add on top of that your husband expressing that he’s not ok with more than 3 months (and it sounding like you have little to no control over being sent on a longer deployment), then this would be a no from me

 

[haaaamoud]

@jwesley I would not feel like this was the best choice for my child's well being even if it was career wise. He needs me in his day to day life.

My dad was deployed frequently for long periods throughout my childhood/into adulthood and it majorly effected our relationship. We've never been close. So many major things I never mentioned to him because by the time he came home it was no longer something in the front of my mind. Same with my mom and her dad.

 

[katrina2017]

@jwesley I couldn't do it and I think it sounds like it would be hard on your marriage as well.

 

[moustafa]

@katrina2017 Her marriage will end and it sounds like she knows that’s a likely possibility. Is she looking for an out?

 

[xxmnbvcxx]

@jwesley So as a military family who is gearing up for husband to leave for 18 months unaccompanied I would not recommend it. Our girls will be shy of 2 when he leaves and nearly 3 and a half when he returns. That’s an insane thing to ask anyone to do imo. We as military aren’t given the choice.

 

[megz1985]

@jwesley I agree with everyone here who is talking about the importance of your relationship and presence in children's lives. I also want to ask you why you are actually considering this? You don't really mention what your day to day life is like now. Is there something in your life that you think needs to drastically change? Simply "wanting to help others and model for my kids" doesn't seem to me like a great reason to uproot yourself for months. I saw you're not even sure about the pay. This makes me think there is something you are trying to change in your life. I think this job isn't going to be the long term change you think it is.

 

[greekprincess]

@jwesley No that sounds awful. No amount of money would be worth me missing out on my child growing up.

 

[mamallama70]

@jwesley Personally, no job/pay would be worth sacrificing time with my children. Especially at such a young age. They grow up so fast. I agree with other comments that state to volunteer locally to teach your children the same lesson. And then you can even get them involved.

 

[tash1982]

@jwesley Crazy they can’t come with you? Are you in the military?

I would never do this. These are precious years when they’re so young. For me I’d just never miss them, even for millions of dollars.

 

[dekta09]

@jwesley It’s one thing to send a kid to a daycare for 8-9 hrs a day with a mom’s consistent presence in their life. It’s another to be gone for months at a time. You will definitely lose your connection with your child. I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t let my husband do it.

I admire the noble causes and all that, but my main obligation is to my family, to give my child the best sendoff into the world I can. Having an absent mother can create all sorts of negative consequences. I feel like if you want to dedicate you life to an overwhelming, consuming cause, don’t have children. Have them when you are ready to be a parent.

 

[charlotte99]

@jwesley As an adult whose mom was gone 6+ weeks at a time (and home for maybe 2 weeks in between) for my entire childhood, don’t do it.

 

[grace4nan]

@jwesley No I wouldn't do it.

 

[rickfelton1]

@jwesley Nope. To me if it’s a job that takes me away from my family then I’ll find a new job. My family means more to me than any job. ( I got out of the military for this reason)

 

[robynhymn]

@jwesley Personally for me, quality time is more important than money. I wouldn’t do it. My dad traveled a lot for work but I still saw him every 3 days or so for a little bit. We didn’t really connect because he wasn’t home much.