Long term deployment w/o family: would you do it?

[phytoscience1]

@jwesley There are certainly families who live with a parent away. You might want to find a group of military spouses to talk to. It sounds like this might be a great job when your kid is older. I travel for work and had to be away for two nights one week and three nights the next week. The second week was an emotional challenge for my kids and my potty-trained three year old pooped in her pants at school every day I was gone that second week. One business trip a month is the max I can do with the kids struggling

 

[gracious65]

@jwesley I used to travel for work but my hard limit was never more than a week.
I read this a few years back and it really changed my perspective:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/

 

[jwesley]

@gracious65 Reading this article last night broke me and I shared it with my husband as well. Thank you for sharing

 

[rickfelton1]

@gracious65 How long did you keep that job that had you travel?

 

[gracious65]

@rickfelton1 Almost a decade.

 

[lsume]

@jwesley That is a very long time for a young child to be separated from one of their primary caregivers. Secure and minimally interrupted care from one primary caregiver is one of the most important things for young children’s development. It’s wonderful that your kiddo is doing well and showing signs of secure attachment.

If you at all have the choice, I would not accept the deployment until your kid is much older. It is too likely to cause harm. There are times, and careers, and situations, where it can’t be helped. And it likely does cause some long term harm, but it can’t always be helped. If you can avoid it, then I absolutely would. Kiddos are fine with a parent being away for a few days, a week, maybe even two. But to be away 6-12 months? It will harm your kid’s attachment and it will harm your kid’s relationship with you.

 

[katrina2017]

@jwesley I wouldn’t do this unless the pay was so great that I never need to work again upon return. That said, I’m very much a person who works to live and don’t have real aspirations beyond making more money so that my family can afford a better life.

 

[clou]

@jwesley When we were first married, my husband served in the army. When faced with an 9 month unaccompanied deployment, my husband and I decided that we should move to be close to my parents since my parents agreed to help. With a 2 year old and a 4 year old to consider, I definitely needed support. Do you live by family who can pitch in?

 

[phantomhawk88]

@jwesley I definitely would not. It’s just not worth it.

 

[ethonhauler]

@jwesley Personally, I would never want to be away from my child or husband that long. Life is short and I don’t want to miss anything. As a partner, I would never want my husband gone this long. I don’t want to solo parent and I would be very sad.

 

[iamkingsamuel]

@jwesley Your bond with your child will absolutely be significantly harmed by this. If you have a strong bond with your child now they will experience abandonment if you leave. Only you can decide if it’s worth it to you.

 

[clearpath]

@jwesley Nope. No way. To put it into perspective, a year is half your child's life to date. There's no amount of money that would make that ok with me.

I would also not be ok with my husband taking a job that kept him from participating in family life for extended periods of time.

Unless you have a call to service (i.e. military, Peace Corps, etc), I don't understand why this is being entertained and why now with a child so young.

 

[allie21]

@jwesley Absolutely not, no, never. A few nights away, yes, but weeks or more? No.

 

[msumendap]

@jwesley I wouldn't do this, for multiple personal reasons that may or may not apply to you. I am very invested in my career, which includes some amount of travel (4-5 days every couple months), but weeks or months away at a time would be miserable for me.
1) I am a home-body - I like to be at home with my family - and find it stressful to be away.

2) Raising kids is hard, even with two parents, and my husband manages OK when I'm gone for a few nights but I think he'd start to break down if he was doing it for weeks/months at a time - we don't have any local family to help/provide a break for him.
3) Kids grow up SOOOOOO quickly. And young kids are difficult to communicate with by phone/video call. I'd hate to miss so much of their lives. It's hard to imagine this level of absence would NOT impact my children / our relationship / their development.
4) Healthy relationships require regular attention / effort and common ground. One of the reasons for the high divorce rates in long-distance relationships is it's so easy to grow apart from your partner when you're effectively living different lives. When I'm gone for even 4-5 days I feel a little out of sync with my husband. Takes a day to settle back into our easy rapport.

 

[timothythe2nd]

@jwesley How often do you travel? My job recently necessitated travel after zero previously, and being away for a week at a time every month is tough. Tough on my family’s routine/structure, tough on my husband also working a demanding job with a long commute, tough on me feeling like I’m not present enough. You get the idea. I absolutely love what I do and we make it work but it is NOT easy. The romance/novelty of it wears off pretty quickly, too. You mention crises work…if it’s risking your safety, it’s even more selfish on your part with a spouse and young child at home.

Obviously people make these scenarios work (military is the most obvious example) but children and spouses in these scenarios are not usually the happiest. You’re not only risking your relationship with your child, but your marriage. I’m sorry, but even double pay is probably not worth that, unless your husband no longer works or scales back. If you need money for life cushion, can you pick up some side job?

I’m also very career driven, never super maternal, but I still don’t think this is a good idea.

 

[smithgerry]

@jwesley Not a chance for me. You’re losing a lot of time with family and putting added stress on yourself.

 

[jinxy]

@jwesley Not for me. Nope. Not until they’re out of the house.

 

[jowel]

@jwesley For me 3 months, yes maybe. 6-12 months, no. It's a bit unclear what your options/alternatives in general are in your career though, how much you've put into it to get where you are. I had a colleague whose wife was in the WHO - she was in Sierra Leone during their last horrible ebola epidemic etc. But they now have 2 little kids and I think she stopped doing those sort of assignments.

 

[shany]

@jwesley Is there any way to negotiate so that you are only committed to short bits of travel for the first few years and then you can gradually increase length of deployments when your kid is older? I don't think I personally would risk my relationship with my 2 year old, her secure attachment and development, or my marriage for this. Good luck with your decision.

 

[princessprettyful]

@jwesley Are there any upsides? My first impression is a hell no. I would not take a job like that. But if it paid like 500k/year then I’d consider it for like a year or two max.