Income keeps going up but husband doesn’t want to outsource any chores

[abra]

@gembeldolar In home assistant. The girl that comes to my house does a lot of work with elderly people that live on their own but have a hard time getting around. She is so sweet and I love chatting with her when I can. The company she works for is open to doing just about anything you need.

I usually wash 3 loads of the laundry before she comes (so she is not standing around waiting for it). Then she folds it while she finishes the rest. I also forgot to add that she strips the beds and puts on the new sheets. She also washes and folds those. All in 3 hours.

 

[jjwampler]

@abra The laundry help sounds amazing! Is it a local company or how did you go about finding that?

 

[abra]

@jjwampler I googled in home caregiver or assistant. Then I found a company that was willing to help with the things I needed done.

 

[jjwampler]

@abra Great idea! I have a cleaner who does the dirty work, deep cleaning, toilets, etc. But she doesn’t do dishes or laundry. I’m potentially taking a much more demanding but high paid role, so I’m going to look into this! Changing the sheets and actually putting away laundry is the hardest chore for me.

 

[abra]

@jjwampler It is was a legit game changer. I was in such a bad head space, I felt like I wasn’t being a good mom. I needed help digging out. Now that I am back on top, my life is so much better. I get to spend so much more quality time with my little. I will never take for granted the importance of my mental health. No vacation could improve my life the way that having someone helping me in house has. Good luck!!

 

[jesking]

@gembeldolar Do you need his approval? Just hire a cleaner.

 

[gembeldolar]

@jesking I understand that in theory, but in practice I would rather come to a consensus / agreement than for either of us to make a unilateral decision.

 

[aiden92]

@gembeldolar A lot of men seem to not want a cleaner and then when they get one they change their minds. Hire one once and then discuss.

 

[gembeldolar]

@aiden92 The tricky thing is his mom cleans houses for a living. So he has a whole complex about hiring it out that we haven’t been able to overcome, but I’d like us to get there and feel good about it before we have a second kid and our life gets so much more hectic!

 

[abzin44]

@gembeldolar I think you need to drill down into that a bit deeper. What about it affects him so much? Was his mom treated poorly? Was she made to feel less than? Was she paid a pittance?

We have a cleaning service and it’s a woman who runs her own business. She’s an amazing person and we have such great chats when she’s here. She loves my kids, they love her. She gets them Christmas presents, we make sure to save baked goods to send home with her. We pay her well, give her a fantastic Christmas bonus. We are super flexible with schedule so she can live her life. She sometimes pops in to water the plants for us when we’re out of town. Like, the whole thing. I wouldn’t say she’s a friend since we don’t hang out outside of our business association, but she’s the next best thing. I know when her dogs are sick, how her relationship is going, how sad she gets around the holidays because her mom died only a few years ago. She’s been cleaning for us for almost 6 years now.

A cleaning lady does not need to be a molly maid, downtrodden immigrant, stereotype situation. Why don’t you look for women owned cleaning business in your area, be sure to offer generous compensation, and have a plan to treat them like a real person, not just the cleaning lady. If your husband sees you approaching the situation with appreciation and gratitude and respect, maybe he’d be more willing.

 

[gembeldolar]

@abzin44 She owns her own business doing it and is actually really successful! Loves her clients and has many for decades. She’s like part of their families. She loves her job.

I think he feels more like “why would I hire out something I can do myself, when it’s not even a problem?” In an effort to save money we don’t even need to save. It’s crazy bc he’s not even a particularly frugal person in many areas of life

 

[eve_marie]

@gembeldolar Have you asked him what his mom would do if there were nobody who would hire cleaning ladies, like he’s refusing to do? By hiring out cleaning, even on a rare occasion for deep cleaning, he’s giving another person the chance to have a thriving business like his mom has been able to do

 

[nlr1]

@gembeldolar Just wanted to throw out some solidarity/support to you! My husband and I used to pride ourselves on doing All The Things ourselves, and when we were younger/didn't have young kids, sure. It made a lot of sense. It still makes a lot of sense, and honestly I still struggle with paying someone else to do something I know I can do for myself. But now, with two little kids, limited time, and still plenty of things to do, we finally have hired out lawncare (every other week) and basic cleaning (1x month). There is still be plenty of yardwork to be done, but it's nice to not *also* have to spend another 90min mowing/trimming/blowing/putting things away. It's a lot easier to weed beds and tend a veggie garden with young kids hanging around than it is to mow and use a weed-eater...

I'm pretty sure the lawncare I just declared (after seeing the same guy go to our neighbors' for years) "I'm asking him to do our yard next week, too. This is important for me so we have more time available together on the weekend." He didn't argue with that (because it was more about my need for togetherness than a conversation about what we can do vs. someone else).

 

[jamesmason10]

@gembeldolar I completely get you, my partner and I both come from similar backgrounds of making ends meet and our mothers doing domestic work. In our case the thing he particularly hates outsourcing is repairs and any kind of DIY or house maintenance, his dad was always the kind to do everything himself and built his own house and stuff. It's so hard to convince my partner that we just don't have time to paint our whole house or whatever. It's very hard to move out of the mindset of saving every penny and that hiring people is for other richer people.

 

[mklm]

@gembeldolar Ask his mom for recommendations on cleaning people to hire!

 

[gembeldolar]

@mklm She would want to do it herself and I love her but I don’t want to hire my MIL!

 

[marsoco]

@gembeldolar Absolutely do NOT hire your MIL. You will never be able to give the feedback you want to give.

 

[oliver2754]

@gembeldolar I grew up cleaning houses with my mom. Now a law firm partner. This is goofy. His mom wouldn't have a job if people didn't outsource stuff.

Also, I'm sorry, but unless he is cleaning at the level of a professional cleaner, he needs to get over it. It's just like any other hired need (lawn, etc.).

You should quantify for him how much time you are both spending on this stuff. For our family the math has always made sense because my billable hour is way more expensive than outsourcing it and while I'd pay to care for my child/family , it made it really easy to see what was "too expensive" for me to be handling. Your time is limited and you have the resources, it is a wise business decision.

 

[savedbygrace_777]

@aiden92 Mine certainly saw how it improved my mental health and his marriage. I always thought he didn’t “see mess” but he’s made so many comments after cleaning day about how clean everything is and how nice it it.

 

[jesking]

@gembeldolar Do you have a documented budget where you can both see in black and white how much money you have going in and out every month? That might help.

I grew up poor and have experienced a lot of financial anxiety, so I get where your husband is coming from. But at the same time, sometimes things just need to get done.