Income keeps going up but husband doesn’t want to outsource any chores
- Thread starter gembeldolar
- Start date
@gembeldolar Ok. Tell him you want to spend more time together as a family. More picnics, zoo trips, etc. you’re feeling burned out.
Then ask how you guys can make that happen? Does he have any ideas on how you guys can make that happen?
Then ask how you guys can make that happen? Does he have any ideas on how you guys can make that happen?
gembeldolar
New member
@richardlp I like this train of thought. Keeping it open ended for discussion
@gembeldolar My husband was uncomfortable with hiring a house cleaner. I assumed that the disconnect was because he grew up lower income and I grew up with a house cleaner. Eventually I just hired someone and they started coming to the house. I paid for it. He loves having a clean house so he never fought me on it.
gembeldolar
New member
@gembeldolar I agree with you - don’t make this a unilateral decision. I would be PISSED if my husband made a spending decision like that without discussing it with me.
This may be an unpopular opinion so take it with a grain of salt - ask for one session of a cleaning company for Mother’s Day.
Last year my brother asked me what he could get me for my birthday and I said “one session of a cleaner.” We had to stop hiring out because inflation was really kicking our budget’s ass, but man, it felt SO nice to have her come in and do a deep clean. And it WAS a gift to me - he gave me the gift of time.
This may be an unpopular opinion so take it with a grain of salt - ask for one session of a cleaning company for Mother’s Day.
Last year my brother asked me what he could get me for my birthday and I said “one session of a cleaner.” We had to stop hiring out because inflation was really kicking our budget’s ass, but man, it felt SO nice to have her come in and do a deep clean. And it WAS a gift to me - he gave me the gift of time.
gembeldolar
New member
@jeremiah_is_my_name Thank you for this perspective. I hope in our lifetime there’s a full house cleaning robot that can clean everything!!
lauren1023
New member
@gembeldolar I saw you mentioned his mom is a cleaning lady but I’m missing the context of how it’s relevant to his feelings… I’m reading it as either his mom taught him how to clean so he thinks it’s silly to outsource when you can do it yourselves or could it be he sees how difficult it is so he doesn’t want to make cleaners do that? Or something else?
The other point you made is that he acts like your income is the same as 5 years ago. If his reasoning is him thinking it’s wasteful financially maybe there’s an agreement you could come to. Did you already discuss what to do with the extra income from your promotion? Maybe you could say “if we pay off x credit card in 3 months can we try a cleaner for 3 months?” Or use your promotion increase to pay for it? Even if your money is 100% combined your contribution has increased so it wouldn’t be out of line to plan to use that “extra” for something you personally would like but will benefit the whole family. Maybe if you could get him to agree to try it for a few months he’d fall in love
If the reasons are more like my first paragraph I’d have no idea how to talk that out
The other point you made is that he acts like your income is the same as 5 years ago. If his reasoning is him thinking it’s wasteful financially maybe there’s an agreement you could come to. Did you already discuss what to do with the extra income from your promotion? Maybe you could say “if we pay off x credit card in 3 months can we try a cleaner for 3 months?” Or use your promotion increase to pay for it? Even if your money is 100% combined your contribution has increased so it wouldn’t be out of line to plan to use that “extra” for something you personally would like but will benefit the whole family. Maybe if you could get him to agree to try it for a few months he’d fall in love
If the reasons are more like my first paragraph I’d have no idea how to talk that out
goldielocks
New member
@lauren1023 Yup I feel like it might not be about the money with his mom being a cleaner. If so I wonder if focusing on the lawn care first might be better? Even though I get why OP would want to focus on the cleaning more if she is doing that more and husband is doing the lawn more.
gembeldolar
New member
@lauren1023 Yeah it’s the first one. I don’t know exactly how to explain it but it’s like … to hire someone to clean our house would feel like a waste on principle to him. Like how could we waste money on that.
Then he said if his mom knew (which I said we don’t need to tell her anyway) she would want to be the cleaner to save us money (aka do it for free, and NOTHING is truly free, plus I love her and don’t want to employ her)…
Thank god for therapists
Then he said if his mom knew (which I said we don’t need to tell her anyway) she would want to be the cleaner to save us money (aka do it for free, and NOTHING is truly free, plus I love her and don’t want to employ her)…
Thank god for therapists
lauren1023
New member
@gembeldolar Thank god for therapists indeed! 
I guess it depends on if by principle he’s against “having someone else to do your work for you” or if it’s just a money thing. I think a money thing would be easier to negotiate a compromise or trial period, especially if you have a little extra leverage at the moment from you working hard to get a promotion and better your position!
Some guys are just so stubborn though. My guy is the same way about certain things. I used to be EXTREMELY tight with money and he’s convinced me to loosen up a little. He always says that time is money and it’s true! YOUR time and comfort and happiness = money. You get to relax and decompress, you perform better at work. You spend money at the salon every 3 months, you look good feel good have more confidence, you perform better at work. You know you’ll come home to a clean house, your environment is more relaxing, you have better quality time with your spouse and kids, you’re less distracted and bam! You perform better at work. You perform better at work, you get more promotions!! Your family as a whole is more successful. You and your family’s happiness are worth spending your money on! Otherwise what’s the point?
Yet my guy also is going out of town overnight for a funeral and says “why would I pay $100 for a hotel when I could sleep in my truck?”
sometimes there is no convincing him.
I hope you can find a middle ground! I would agree don’t let MIL in on it if you can help it, even the best family/friend relationships can get squirrelly when it comes to “favors”
I guess it depends on if by principle he’s against “having someone else to do your work for you” or if it’s just a money thing. I think a money thing would be easier to negotiate a compromise or trial period, especially if you have a little extra leverage at the moment from you working hard to get a promotion and better your position!
Some guys are just so stubborn though. My guy is the same way about certain things. I used to be EXTREMELY tight with money and he’s convinced me to loosen up a little. He always says that time is money and it’s true! YOUR time and comfort and happiness = money. You get to relax and decompress, you perform better at work. You spend money at the salon every 3 months, you look good feel good have more confidence, you perform better at work. You know you’ll come home to a clean house, your environment is more relaxing, you have better quality time with your spouse and kids, you’re less distracted and bam! You perform better at work. You perform better at work, you get more promotions!! Your family as a whole is more successful. You and your family’s happiness are worth spending your money on! Otherwise what’s the point?
Yet my guy also is going out of town overnight for a funeral and says “why would I pay $100 for a hotel when I could sleep in my truck?”
sometimes there is no convincing him. I hope you can find a middle ground! I would agree don’t let MIL in on it if you can help it, even the best family/friend relationships can get squirrelly when it comes to “favors”
@gembeldolar As someone that grew up lower middle class and an immigrant, a lot of time I felt disadvantaged and that I had to work harder because I had no safety net. It’s a sense of scarcity of opportunity and fear of failure that drove me. I can easily see how the OP’s husband might be in a similar boat, that his edge, whatever discipline that he developed to get him to where he is now, is to feel like “I’m not one of those people”. Those people that can afford to be “lazy” and outsource something because they don’t want to do it. You’re afraid of slippage, of the descent into soft bourgeoisie. For the kid of a cleaner to become successful in life and hire a cleaner, that could definitely feel like crossing the rubicon. Being more loose with money on material or status signals is very different than actually throwing money at a task so he would do less and enjoy life more.
@gembeldolar How do you determine your household budget? Family meeting, shared spreadsheet...? If there's room in the budget show him and tell him you're hiring someone.
gembeldolar
New member
@gembeldolar I understand your POV about doing something after both of you have agreed on it.
On this topic however, go ahead and hire a cleaning person. Tell your husband that it’s something both of you can agree to disagree on.
On this topic however, go ahead and hire a cleaning person. Tell your husband that it’s something both of you can agree to disagree on.
gembeldolar
New member
@gembeldolar The reality with a home is that there is always something more to do. Right now I am paying for weekly housekeeping and lawn mowing. That lets me focus on bigger house projects like actually landscaping, putting up wallpaper/painting, replacing hardware on cabinets, etc. if I didn’t pay for those things, I would burn my whole weekend on basic upkeep and would never make progress on the fun stuff.
gembeldolar
New member
@chiefgeek Yes I feel like there’s no such things as a small house project! That’s a lie Home Depot tells us!
carterdraken
New member
@gembeldolar The only irreplaceable commodity it time. Time with you partner, your parents, your friends. He can spend his weekends mowing the lawn or he can pay a few grand a year to spend time with his mom, who won’t be alive forever. Seems like a no brainer.