I did it. I left him. I am not okay

[panictopeace]

I asked for advice a few days ago , and thank you so much to everyone who responded .

I left while he was at work.
I am in a private room at a shelter. We are being quarantined for a while, but have internet, TV and a roku with lots of streaming services.

My daughter is fine so far. She's been amazing. A real trooper.

I am NOT okay.
I am reaching out to my few friends.
My daughter is currently sleeping beside me.

I only managed to eat a very small amount of dinner.
Aside from that, I can't eat.
As somone with a binge eating disorder, this is a pretty big deal.
I am also "detoxing " from daily weed use.
( it's legal where I live, but there's a strict no drink or drug policy here and I want to quit anyways).

I just....
I told my EX (Holy crap. He's my ex now) thru a text message. He's extremely upset with me.
He said he's suing me. And he wants full custody of our daughter.
Since I've literally done 110 percent of all the parenting, this is extremely upsetting to me.

The shelter doesn't want me talking to him right now, but I felt like I needed to let him that we are safe .
He doesn't see himself as abusive at all of course, and pretty much, I broke his heart.

I've pretty much had a non stop panic attack for the last 48 hours.

We've only been at the shelter for a few hours.

I feel like I'm in shock.
Everything feels very surreal.

I am so scared I just made a huge mistake.
That I'm just too sensitive .
That I overreacted.

I was just tired of being scared.
Of having panic attacks when I knew I had to say something that would be potentially upsetting to him. I was tired of being pushed down. Of not being a person.

I am not okay. I am so scared.
Please, please send me your encouragement.

It does help.

Thank you so much.
You guys really, really helped.

 

[littlechild1]

@panictopeace I hate abuse (duh?) but I love reading stories of strong women leaving their abuser. You have no idea how positively this will affect your daughters life.

 

[panictopeace]

@littlechild1 I don't feel strong at all.
Honesty reading about how other people left their abusers was VERY inspiring to me.

Thank you.

 

[photon]

@panictopeace Have you watched the show Maid on Netflix? Its inspiring. As someone who has been in your shoes it touched me and gave me so much validation and I think you would also feel the same way. I definitely recommend you watch it!

 

[anonnymouse]

@photon I recommend it too! X

 

[ldingle]

@panictopeace Leaving is really really really hard. It is even harder to stay away because being alone is new and scary and you are used to having to soothe his feelings. Please don’t be tempted to go back, you will just have to leave all over again. He has already shown you who he is by his actions, do not be swayed by promises of better behavior. A good person would not be an abuser in the first place.

 

[panictopeace]

@ldingle I don't think I'd go back. Because we've been together for a while, and no matter what he always said, nothing ever changed.
Plus, pretty much everything was my fault because I didn't want to have sex with him, so I don't really see much changing.

You are very right that it is scary and new. I'm not a big fan of change, so yeah it is very hard.

Just woke up.
Day 1 of my new life I suppose.

 

[charl]

@panictopeace I want you to know I'm thinking of you in the middle of your day 1. So many of us are cheering for you. We're really proud of you for doing these hard, right things.

 

[panictopeace]

@charl Thank you.
It's so hard.
He's love bombing me pretty hard right now.
He wants to forgive me for hurting him.

 

[charl]

@panictopeace He wants to forgive you?!? That's audacious of him. I assume he hasn't admitted he's been abusing you.

You said you muted him. Is there a way to take it a step further so you're not seeing his messages? I don't know how muting works. I would just power off my phone, but I realize that may be your internet access too. If you can distance his messages from you more, that would be good.

 

[panictopeace]

@charl What happened was he called and I didn't take his calls. But then he texted and said he just wanted to talk to his daughter, that he had nothing to say to me. Our daughter isn't quite 4 yet and definitely is not much of a talker, especially on the phone.
So I thought it would be fine for her to talk to her dad, but then after like 1 minute of "talking " to her, I heard him say that he needed to talk to mommy and it was mommys turn, so she handed me the phone, and I felt like I needed to not be rude. And then he started in how I really hurt lots of people. And did I really want to be a single mom living in housing so that drug dealers could attack me, and that if I came home, he'd forgive me. I felt really confused and upset, but I reached out to lots of people and I feel less confused now.
I don't really want to go back.

And yeah, he definitely doesn't see himself as abusive. He doesn't know why I left. He doesn't understand.

 

[mightyworm]

@panictopeace Being strong is defined by powering through your weakest moments. You did the hardest step of acceptance and ownership to your situation. You can do the rest.

 

[panictopeace]

@mightyworm Thank you.
I'm postive that there will be more hard days ahead, but it is nice knowing I won't have to deal with hid anger and moods all the time anymore.
Or at least, not so in my face.

 

[katrina2017]

@panictopeace You don’t feel strong but you are. You saved your life and your daughters life. She might have ended up with an abuser if she continued to see what your ex was doing. You are doing this for her, you are doing this for you, you are doing this for all the women who never got the chance. Keep going, you’re headed on the right direction.

 

[colliefan]

@panictopeace It's okay to not be okay. Listen to the people at the shelter. Talking to your abuser is not in your or your LOs best interest.

Let me say that again.

Talking to your abuser is not in your or your LOs best interest.

I'm cheering you on BroMo! You've done the hardest part.

 

[panictopeace]

@colliefan I stopped answering him.
It's just, I know he has bad aniexty.
So I didn't want him to panic.

I'm definitely still putting him first I guess.
It's just that's what I've always done.

I know I'm completely done with our relationship, and I think he is as well.

I'm definitely reaching out to anyone I can.
I'm going to speak with the shelter therapist when she js available.

 

[djack]

@panictopeace It’s not your responsibility to manage or mitigate his anxiety. He has a responsibility to manage it so that it doesn’t impact others.

 

[panictopeace]

@djack You are 100 percent right.

I think I will have lots of behaviors to unlearn.

 

[nldctonc]

@panictopeace You’re so smart, SO capable, such a strong mother. Abusers are really good at making us feel like we’re overreacting or too sensitive. Follow your gut, don’t relent. You’re here for a reason

 

[senseofwonder]

@panictopeace This part is hard. I separated from my husband last year for several months, and I constantly worried about him. I'm thinking about leaving, again, and I still find myself worrying about how it will affect him, even though the fact that he doesn't care about how I feel/doesn't respect me, etc. is a big part of why I want to leave again.

It's fucking hard, I know. Just, please, try to put yourself first for once. You deserve to not be treated like crap in your own life.