I did it. I left him. I am not okay

[panictopeace]

@senseofwonder Thank you.
I think I'm still processing everything.

I'm definitely still worried about him, thinking about his feelings .
I have the only car, so im not sure how he'll get around.

I guess he will have to figure things out by himself for once.

 

[senseofwonder]

@panictopeace Right! You know, these dudes can spend years treating us like crap and we will still worry about them.

Honestly, they deserve every hardship that comes after, but, it's hard. I know. Especially because they're probably love bombing after.

Maybe it will help you to read some online articles related to your situation. Especially have a look at TRAUMA BOND.

 

[andrea74]

@panictopeace I wish he cared as much about your anxiety as you do his.

 

[panictopeace]

@andrea74 That is an incredibly interesting way to look at it.
He definitely doesn't care about my reactions/feelings the way I do his.

I mean, he'll moan about how he always feels guilt for the things he says and does, but has never taken any real, meaningful steps to change anything.

 

[katrina2017]

@panictopeace It will get easier. I was your daughter many years ago in a shelter with a terrified mum. Just want to let you know your daughter will be ok. It’s the best thing for her also to be away from him.
You got this

 

[panictopeace]

@katrina2017 She's being sooooo Amazing so far.
She's almost 4.
I know we will have some rough days, having to be in quarantine for a while, but right now she's being just, wonderful.

 

[diamondkut]

@panictopeace Stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. What he wants you to do is irrelevant.

 

[wouldyoukindly]

@panictopeace You did not overreact. You are doing the right thing, the best thing for you and your daughter. I am so proud of you.

 

[panictopeace]

@wouldyoukindly Thank you.

That helps so much.

Right now, I'm just exhausted in every way you could think of.

 

[urblit]

@panictopeace I want to piggyback off of this person's comment.

My mother left my abusive father when I was a toddler. I'm so, so, so lucky that I never had to live with the day-to-day abuse that my older sisters endured.

You're not only saving yourself, but you're saving your daughter. She is learning strength and courage from you right now. You are showing her that SHE is worth more, and YOU are worth more.

Kudos, Bromo. Don't go back.... your little girl is watching your every move.

 

[panictopeace]

@urblit Thank you very much.

Thats something that my mom and sister have said to Me a couple of times, that It's good leaving before our daughter gets to be too much older. She hopefully won't remember too much, or if she does, it's about how mommy and kiddo had a special room to stay in for a bit until we have our new house.

 

[drjjhj]

@panictopeace No, no, no. No matter what runs through your head you need to know that YOU DID IT. You made the terrifying, hard, and absolutely amazing decision to take control of your life and happiness. Equally important is that you did it for your daughter. You are making sure she does not repeat this cycle.
He won't get full custody, so don't even let that seep in. He'll get some kind of joint, and that's okay, you WILL deal with that. You can do this, you are strong and fierce even if you don't think so right now. Even if you feel like the weakest thing in the world right now, you're not. You know how I know? Because it would have been weak and easy to stay in the shitty known and you chose to break free into the unknown. That takes strength and grace and dignity, all things you deserve and are claiming for yourself right now.

I'm so proud of you. I believe in you. Internet hugs bromo, way to fucking go.

 

[panictopeace]

@drjjhj Right now I just feel exhausted and sad.

Its funny what you say about the cycle of abuse because my mom was in a very abusive relationship, and I always hated that she never left. And that when my dad left my mom, that my mom was so upset by it.

Honesty , her not leaving made it harder for me to leave. Because I felt very reactive.

But you are right that at least she's not being exposed to the abuse right now.

I suppose I'll have to live with some kind of joint.
It's possible that just because he gets it, doesn't mean he will use it.

I definitely feel weak right now, I don't feel strong at all.

Thank you so much though.

 

[frankyb]

@panictopeace Can you think of the shelter quarantine as a respite for yourself? You did the hard thing, and I believe you did the right thing, but now you need a little time to freak out and feel sad and tired. Give it to yourself and let the shelter staff help you. Watch movies and go to sleep tonight knowing that you and your kiddo can feel safe there.

 

[panictopeace]

@frankyb That's honestly how I'm trying to look at it.
I don't need to do dishes or cook for at least a week!
Hopefully I can keep my kid from going nuts!
But I'm trying to look at it as respite.

Thank you

 

[drjjhj]

@panictopeace You are welcome, I wish you nothing but the very best and hope you can reread your own statement just now and see how it took a whole lot of strength to do what you did.

 

[ldingle]

@panictopeace You are already being stronger than your mom was able to be. You are breaking the cycle by getting your daughter out.

 

[baltazaresguerra]

@panictopeace He may not even get joint depending on what his past actions have been. There are some parents who only get some type of weekly supervised visitation. So it’s possible that is some hope too!

I always hated that she never left and that when my dad left my mom, that my mom was so upset by it.

There is your answer right there. You changed that narrative for your daughter! She won’t grow up feeling the way you had to feel. We’re so proud of you for being strong!

 

[baltazaresguerra]

@drjjhj Depending on what was going on, he may not even get joint custody but rather some type of supervised visitation.

 

[drjjhj]

@baltazaresguerra Exactly and like OP said, may not even use/want it.

But this is a great point, don't let these worries about custody issues seep in/let him use it as a threatening/bargaining tactic. He's going to get something, yeah, but you will not lose custody of your daughter and you will deal with it when it happens, whatever happens.