Dads breaking generational abuse, how do you discipline your kids?

[katrina2017]

@utay62 My old man was a bully. He wasn't abusive because he believed discipline was important to, or because I was that bad a kid, or because physical intention was the last resort he had to go to.
He was and still is a bully because he's a bit of a narcissist. He has a terrible sense of self worth but demanded respect from his kids and thought just being a father, who didn't do much to earn their affection or respect consistently, owed him respect. When this didn't happen, he had no other means than to become physically and verbally abusive. Narcissists love to reduce people to make themselves feel bigger.
I've done a lot of work on myself over the years to get through that and don't have those same issues so that's a start. I also have convinced myself since day one that my kids owe me nothing, unconditional love is unconditional and I am a provider by choice and by action. This has put me in a position where I make sure that I can reason with my kids, if I yell it's because running in a parking lot is something that has to stop immediately because x. But I have yet to raise a hand and I have never had an urge.
I also freely apologize when I get a little stern just because my back is killing me and it's too noisy and the house is a circus. I don't always expect them to understand but I need to give myself permission to be human first and a dad second.

 

[bdaswat]

@utay62 A good starting point is to ask yourself why it matters to you that your son does what you say.

 

[sunjo]

@utay62 Firstly, the fact that you are here posting this question really shows you are trying to do better, and that makes me believe you are a good father. I don't have much advice because that age almost broke me with my son. It got so hard with work stress and parenting stress I ended up having to go back on antidepressants. One thing I found that worked was consistency. If they break the rule, 2 minute time out- EVERY TIME. Try to stay away from showing your anger, always try to explain why they are being punished. When I let my anger get the best of me and I would raise my voice it didn't take long for my son to start exhibiting the same behavior when he was frustrated. Just know that while this time is difficult it gets SO MUCH BETTER. My son just turned 4 last week and he is like my tiny best friend now. Good luck to you!

 

[macnytt]

@utay62 Lots of good advice but your kid is still really young, 2 year olds have the attention span of a gnat, don't worry it'll get better, just don't punish them for exploring, they're still so little and so new to this world, guide them don't punish them at that age.

 

[wengbaoshan]

@utay62 I'm lucky in that my son is mostly well behaved. If he's doing something he shouldn't it's enough for me to pick him up and move him away. He complains but it stops him.

I too am walking this tightrope. My dad was just awful to me growing up. Always angry, unpredictable, quick to put me down, shout at me, hit me. I know how much this fucked me up and I'm in therapy to try to make sure I'm in the best place I can be. Helping myself is going to help my son.

I thought I was doing ok but as my son grows up I start wondering how anyone could ever treat a child that way. I'm looking at what I thought was normal and realising it definitely wasn't and I hope I don't turn out that way.

 

[alfred1963]

@utay62 I grew up in a verbally abusive household. My parents never hit me, but they would yell at me. They would also argue all the time and yell at each other. I have pretty bad anxiety I still deal with, and I grew up with anger issues. Personally, I'm struggling not to raise my voice at my toddler because toddlers just don't understand what "no" means. I notice I only raise my voice at him when he's doing something that can harm him. Now, I just try to redirect him. For example, if he's jumping on the couch, I will call his name to get his attention and start playing with one of his toys or something. He will stop what he's doing and run over to play. Works every time, and I don't have to raise my voice. I'd never hit my kids, but verbal abuse can do just as much damage.

 

[belzoni]

@utay62 You should examine what aspects of your lifestyle are effecting you where you can’t comport yourself or manage your emotions based when a two year old misbehaves. Is your behavior being reflected by him?

 

[frubbs]

@utay62 I very rarely got spanked as a kid, probably less than five times. It never really worked anyway, I was always more resolved to be shitty after a spanking as an act of defiance. So I’m probably not the target audience for this post but I know spanking is fruitless and violent so I won’t partake in it