Dads breaking generational abuse, how do you discipline your kids?

[kayin]

@utay62 Firm but loving is the target I am always aiming for around discipline

 

[4bloodmoons]

@utay62 i have a 3 year old who can be a lot some times. i'm trying to be better than my dad and it's hard. my dad wasn't physically abusive but he yelled a lot and could be verbally abusive. it's really hard to not fall into those traps in the heat of the moment. my tips are to learn to stay calm, remember you're talking to a creature of pure chaos that doesn't listen to reason, so dont try and reason with it. walk away if you can. a child has never died from screaming or crying. i've found that having some good talks about expectations has really helped with my daughter lately. we will put her in time outs for not listening or back talking us but that's the extent of our punishments. she sits in a corner for a minute and has to tell us why she sat there and appologies afterwards. it seems to be working so far. like others have said setting timers has helped for us too. Good luck Dad. you've got this

 

[tochedbyechrist]

@utay62 Google peaceful parenting. Lots of good info available

 

[loner82]

@utay62 The corner and a timer will go a long way. I promise you.

If not that, then BOTH of you should get in shape. Have pushups, sit ups, squats, ECT.. as a punishment.

 

[indianhippygirl]

@utay62 My favorite is a time out but not necessary like time outs for older kids; I hug my 2yo closely, we do some deep breaths, i can explain why she needs to [insert thing].

I have also found that this helps calm me down since I’m usually pretty frustrated if she’s not listening. This helps reduce that desire for yelling, cursing, and spanking that is my reflex based on my upbringing.

 

[saddened]

@utay62 I would just like to note that there is a time and place for things. Discipline is very different from abuse. As a kid I wasn’t spanked often but when I was being out of hand i would get a good whack. I once lied to my dad about a pretty serious matter. Got my ass whipped. Never told the man another lie. I’d rather be brutally honest and suffer the consequences than bring shame and dishonesty to my family.

 

[markmendiola143]

@utay62 It helps to have some friends who do it right.

 

[airforce11]

@utay62 Will sound stupid af but it worked very well with my kids when they were younger : we had a dog before we had kids, and we watched Cesar religiously before having the dog. Long story short : calm and assertive, and always stick to the limits you put down (big emphasis on the calm). If you say ''stop that or there will be consequences'', stick to your word. The very second they don't listen to you, sit them firmly and calmly in the corner until they calm down. Very important : act before you lose patience and get furious. After a short while, they will understand that when you say something, you mean it. If you never act, they will know that what you say is bullshit, and that they can stretch you until you get mad. There will be a lot more fun and happy times if they don't always try to challenge your limits. But yeah, 2yo is pretty young, and it is hard at that age to focus. Hang in there, you'll figure it out!

 

[knowwhatjesusdid]

@utay62 I'm in the same boat. My dad was verbally abusive and I catch myself going down the same road all of the time.

 

[misscatholica]

@knowwhatjesusdid +1. So hard to break. Solidarity with y’all

 

[teresamerica]

@utay62 I was spanked as a child. I didn’t see it as abuse and have a hard time now. It never was excessive or done with malice but I swore never to allow it to happen to my child. Though Bandit did sell me on the idea of bum bongos.

Right now I get down on his level and talk to him to look for the reason why he’s so upset and redirect him as best I can. But if he needs time to calm down, we go to his room together unless he’s hitting then he can sit by himself.

 

[j1o1s1h1]

@utay62 Love that you’re asking for advice on this. Shows you want to be better. I’m in the same boat with a special needs 3yo.

 

[ho1ward1]

@utay62 At that age the best thing to do is redirect them. I know this is frustrating when you have to do it over and over again. But at that age they have zero control over their instantaneous desire. I have a 4 yr old that might be on the spectrum. Trust me I get it. He still doesn’t listen to us but it is getting better. Sometimes. When he’s not tired. Or hungry. Or thirsty. And the moon is not full. And he hasn’t had too much sugar. And he’s had some protein. And well you get it

 

[sunshine25]

@utay62 My dad was an ex-army sergeant who hit us quite often. But by the time we were finishing primary school the hits were turning into punches.

I swore to never hits my kids. But..my daughter has been hit once, when she was three, and jumped up and grabbed onto the handle of a glass display cabinet and swung on it, bringing down the cabinet and destroying the glass...I smacked her bum before i could stop myself.

That's the only time she has been hit by me. My son has NEVER been hit.

Sometimes I DO shout at them.

What I do when that fails, is remove them from my company. Either tell them to go o their room, OR I go to my room and refuse to interact with them. My room also happens to be where the laptops are! (We each have one)

Sometimes they would sneak into my room to play. I let them, because often it was because I was sleeping in. They learned to be VERY quiet when they want to be.

In the very worst case, when my daughter was refusing to give me her phone so I could stop her playing with it instead of going to sleep, I reminded her that I paid the phone bill and if she stopped listening to me i would stop paying it.

My daughter was unable to start learning the piano at three (very common in China where we were) and as a consequence we had to cancel the lessons. Later on she asked if should could start learning again and we said no.

They are 14 and 16 now. Many people have commented on how calm and well behaved they are. Because they learned to discipline themselves, they have self discipline.

All studies say it is best not to hit kids. As someone who actually practiced it, I can tell you it worked for me. Currently they both wash, hang out and dry their own clothes, and after dinner we each wash up in rotation: 1st day me, next day daugther, next day son.

 

[dominic1]

@utay62 I grew up in an abusive home. My mom was verbally and physically abusive — not all the time but it stuck and it sucks. My wife is completely the opposite of how my mom was and she uses the methods mentioned here on our 2yo son with kindness and grace. But I have to catch myself a lot of times to break my own generational cycle.

By your willingness to take a cold hard look at your generational cycle is the first step. That awareness is going to open up options — like you asking this subreddit for solutions. That shame you felt came from a different time, a different place.

I always tell myself that my son will not only learn from his parents but they will also pick up things around him, his schoolmates, their parents, his environment. My job is to keep him safe and build a space where he can always come back to.

My son throws more tantrums at home compared to in school. He’s more demanding of his parents than his relatives or people he meets. It’s only because he feels safe to express himself at an age that he doesn’t really understand what he’s feeling. So, gotta help the kiddo out.

 

[katrina2017]

@utay62 I was turned on to 1-2-3 magic and it led to some pretty drastic changes in behavior/discipline for me and my kids.

 

[hardtruth]

@utay62 Defenestration. Just put a mattress outside the window. The trick is to enjoy defenestrating them before they start to enjoy being defenestrated.

 

[elkhunter]

@utay62 Hey man had a very similar situation with my boy just a few weeks ago. I see your update and it seems like big picture stuff that will definitely help if you work at it!

One thing I since have been doing is in the actual moment when he is running off and not listening what I’ve had the most luck with is gently putting my hand on him and getting on his level and just calmly saying what I need him to do and sometimes I’ll explain why.

It helps me to think that my boy is just in his own world that he’s discovering in real time

 

[ladeej]

@utay62 I grew up rough, wife did not and has done ALOT of early childhood education stuff(currently manages a preschool ).

Our first child(girl) was a rule follower.... Painfully a rule follower... Still is. So we had to set sensible rules for her. One being "don't choke and die" after a choking instident.
She was incredibly stubborn with getting dressed etc. So during a heated rushed morning there was "easy way, hard way. Easy way you get dressed, hard way I dress you" she paused and chose the later so I took her OJ's off and put her clothes on firmly(maybe too firm) while she was kicking and screaming. At the end we hugged it out. We decided we both don't like the hard way. Had to be used maybe 4x more times seriously.

Second child (girl) ameandering pile of dontgiveafuck. When teaching about tidying up toys etc the ol "tidy them up or I'll throw them out" resulted in "yea... Just throw them out". This one needs firmer reiteration, so the 1min to bed time, bed time, no U don't need to check the mail bed time, BEDTIME. Works for me not my wife. But when there's a tantrum or what ever. We hug it out. She's feeling too many feelings, we noticed she was starting to try and hit us, so we stopped the fighting arguing and hug it out. She caoms down, explain she still needs to do what ever it is and she normally does.

In saying that though. All my friends have at least one son. Boys are different. They just get into things, explore things test things in a way Ive never seen a girl. If a couple of boys are coming around I leave out sacrificial things. They will poke prod pry and pull to see when things break. Just they are different in so many ways.

But at this age focus the chaos, guide until there's bits that occur that can be reachable. Know his limits and yours

 

[cancerous90]

@utay62 First you need to be kind to yourself, you're going to fuck up plenty of times and revert to what is instinctive.

Learn to recognise your father in you and develop strategies to sidestep any eruptions of rage, unkindness and bullying, belittling or terrifying parenting.

Next , learn to be human and apologise to you lad when you fuck up, explain that YOU are struggling ,not because of them or anything they have done but because you are learning to be the best dad you can be . Say sorry and mean it.

Next, work out how to parent kindly. Pace parenting works well.