can i just block my coparent? i can’t take this anymore

[intend]

we have been trying to “make it work” for a long time, and i just don’t know if that is possible. our baby is almost two. we fight almost every day. we are currently living long distance so all communication is text / video / calls. my partner wants to video chat at bed time every night but never calls and misses the call even when i give a heads up a lot of the time. then she begs me to wake the baby up and spends all night blowing up my phone. i have to put my phone on do not disturb every night and i almost always wake up to a bunch of calls and texts. my stbx is addicted to meth and often stays up all night not sleeping for days. i know this is where a lot of the aggression comes from. but i’ve been dealing with it for years and i can’t any more. especially now that i have a toddler that still wakes up several times a night.

when things are really bad we talk about just going the custody route in court. neither of us want to but we are also very high conflict and not getting anywhere on our own. we want to get into family therapy but we don’t have insurance and live in different states. when things are really bad like this i just want to say fuck it and block all the accounts they could reach me on. am i allowed to do this? my friends in similar positions are even telling me to file a restarting order for harassment for the amount of calls and texts i get every day, mostly to yell at me, even after i set the boundary to not do that. i’m just at my wits end. i’m going to lose it if i have to go through one more day like this. i am suffering my stbx is suffering and worst of all out baby is suffering.

 

[ashleigh2016]

@intend Get a custody order in court. Have that include a co-parenting app such as Our Family Wizard, all communications will then have to go through that app and the court can see them.

For now, put your phone on "do not disturb" at whatever hours work for you. And get a custody order filed asap. Y'all won't make it 16 years like this.

 

[stevirusky]

@intend You need to protect your child. Go to court and file for full custody. There are ways you can do it yourself with free family court legal aid. If your ex wants to come back and be a parent, then it’s on her to get better and prove it through the courts. Protect your child and yourself immediately!

 

[dsweats81]

@intend Every single one of these threads read almost identically, and it always ends with “we don’t want to go the court route but…”.

The reason you’re having to deal with this situation like this is because you haven’t done the proper custody order steps through court.

Will it fix everything? No. But it will definitely set some boundaries that make it infinitely easier to deal with on your end of things.

Get a lawyer. Get a custody order. Gain some peace.

 

[liaamsmithh95]

@dsweats81 Court is not the answer for protective parents. The offending parent often gets more time than they should when random judges are in charge of custody decisons, and make choices on adult fairness rather than what the child actually needs. Proof of impact is not always easy to get, especially when the offending parent is manipulative in terms of their image, and have enablers stacked up behind them.

 

[dsweats81]

@liaamsmithh95 Having a legal custody order enforced by a court is 100% better than winging it with a combative co-parent. Protective parents would want structure and consistency for their children…99.999999% of the time this isn’t going to happen without a legal order in place.

Your comment about the co-parent getting more time than “they should”is asinine. The mediation process is going to take into account a spectrum of things, and with proper legal council, you’ll end up with a balanced result. There is no cut and dry “amount” preset in these things…they’re incredibly varied, and courts aren’t just going to erroneously grant a parent a huge swath of time without consideration of everything presented during mediation.

Having proper legal representation all but eliminates the random time assignment argument you’re making.

 

[liaamsmithh95]

@dsweats81 50/50 custody is given all of the time to abusive parents where there either wasn't enough "proof" of their well-hidden and veiled abuse or when their impact on the kids haven't yet met the level of no return. That's usually when agencies will come in a finallyyy do something about the non custodial parent, who isn't very great. Also, protective parents are often seen as the "combative" parents or "alienators", when in reality...the offending parent who wants "their time" is engaging in post-separation abuse. It's a real thing. And happens oh so often...

 

[dsweats81]

@liaamsmithh95 Nothing you’ve said overrides the importance and near necessity to have a legal custody order completed in order to avoid 90% of the drama people clamor on about in regard to toxic co-parenting and combative ex’s. NOTHING.

 

[liaamsmithh95]

@dsweats81 What would you suggest someone do when the courts aren't taken the protection of children seriously? Many narcissistic parents enjoy the whole circus of dragging parents to court over and over, trying to get more and more, putting on a facade about how they care so much about parenting, lying to the enablers that they have, smearing the protective parent's name, pretending that they are on the same level as the safe parent to people who don't know them, etc. Then when they get their 50/50 (because there wasnt enough "proof" of why it shouldn't have gone that way), they drop the kids off with grandma, leave them with step parents, counter-parent, make little comments (or overt comments) to the kids to attempt to taint their feelings/thoughts towards the primary parent (in a very veiled and manipulative way of course), and then cry wolf to anyone who will listen about they were actually the one being wronged, or how they had to "fight" to get "their time," etc. They see kids as property and as tools to continue to maintain control. And the courts help them to do this! Some of them will abuse the kids, and prevent them from getting counseling (because the court may have stated that they have to "agree" on medical decisions), or they may tell court officials and law enforcement that the other parent is just lying because they're "mad" if the child does disclose to someone. I could go on an on. Post-separation abuse is real. I think that if a protective parent can "work with" an abusive parent outside of court, it can be better, depending on what that parent is trying to get. They all have some sort of bottomline aim. Some of them want to put on an image of being a "good parent", so protective parents in that case can assess their coparent, help to maintain their ego, keep the peace (to a degree), and determine what sort of things can be put into place to keep them sated before walking over to the courthouse...where judges and mediators etc have the baseline belief that parents are on equal grounds, unless "proven otherwise", and they have no idea (unless it's staring them in the face) about what has actually been going on in their coparenting and child-rearing universe. The abusive parent may start asking for stuff they weren't even asking for before... It would definitely be easier to get a court order and just tell the dysfunctional parent to refer to the plan when things come up, but if that plan isn't actually in the best interests of the child, it's not worth it in my opinion. I'd rather try to protect my kids, if possible, than reduce my personal stress experienced when dealing with a toxic person. Children are not protected by the courts or law enforcement until they have already been impacted in a severe way. The only way I would recommend court is if there is strong and irrefutable evidence that no one can ignore when they see it. But that isn't easy to get. Some narcs are smart, and know how to cover their tracks.

 

[dsweats81]

@liaamsmithh95 You’re over generalizing the situation with court ordered custody plans and you’re using an incredibly broad stroke to paint your picture.

What you’re saying does happen. Unfortunately there are toxic humans who, at the same time, legally get custody time with their children…sometimes more than most parents would think is fair or appropriate for the child’s own good.

That said, a VAST majority of the situations are not like that. Like staggeringly vast. You’re representing the whole by the faults of a few, and that is why I’m debating your points.

What would be my suggestion if I felt the courts were not taking the protection of the child as priority over anything else? I would suggest finding an attorney who will happily fight that battle for you, and knows family law as a focus, and not just a check point on a broad list of services.

If you have an attorney who focuses on family law and custody mediation, you’re not going to wind up with a scenario where the courts fail to prioritize the kid.

To add, you have to understand that courts also have to abide by legal precedence first and foremost, and if a co-parent had a legal right to “x” amount of time, and nothing legally enforceable is there to deter that…the courts aren’t going to deny those rights. And they shouldn’t…a parent should be able to obtain custody of a child to the fullest extent available so long as they’ve maintained the proper assessments to do so.

At this point, it is up to the custodial parent to document, maintain and prove a co-parent’s time should be lessened. You can’t just say “oh, this guy/gal is an asshole, and their custody time isn’t in the best interest of our child”…you have to have proof, you have to have tangible reference points of things that DIRECTLY make the case that the parent in question should not have “x” amount of time.

You started listing things that I guess you felt stood as placeholders to remove custody time from a co-parent…things like leaving a child with a grandparent, or making off hand remarks in front of the kids about the other parent…do you really find those things to be at a level of poor parenting that you’d request less time for said person in such a situation? If so, you’ve got an incredibly skewed understanding of what actually constitutes bad parenting.

It has nothing to do with what is easier. It has to do with abiding by laws and rules that govern two parties attempting to parent a child as separate entities. There is ZERO reason to refrain from doing this, because…amongst a thousand other reasons…it sets proper legal safe guards on both sides of the fence, which, without legal custody orders, don’t exist, and THAT is not the way to properly care for a child.

Things like this prevent parents from refraining from allowing a parent time with their child over trivial matters…similar to some of the ones you listed yourself. Thankfully legal outlets prevent parents from keeping a child alienated from another parent over some of the things you mentioned.

 

[bonanzaw]

@intend If you block them, you need to have a set alternate route of communication.

Especially when your child is so small, it's very important.

This is coming from someone who has not spoken to my ex more than 5 times since he was arrested for several things including criminal harassment of me in 2017.

It's important, and if you don't do it, you can expect child protection to take that very seriously.

What you can do is set boundaries and follow them for yourself.

You video call her at their call time. You say communication between the two of you is only done in writing by email and stick to it. If a text or call is warranted for an urgent or emergency situation, state that explicitly.

Do not engage in any conversation that isn't about your child.

And go to court.

Go to court.

It's been 7½ years and we're finally in family court and the sooner you do it the easier it will be.

 

[dechen]

@intend If you file for custody in your local area, you will get it. The entire process will take place in whichever state someone files first, so you should do this immediately. She is estranged from the child, long-distance, and an abusive drug user. I doubt she would even make it to court to represent herself if you file locally. If you wait for her to file first, your life will become a living hell of travelling to her state for every little court visit.

Most courts have apps they use for custody cases. You would both install it and use it for 100% of your communication. Then you can block her on everything else. You can easily submit your communications to the court because they are hooked into the same communication app. If you are feeling generous you could allow phone calls but I doubt the court would require you to. If the court allows you to block her then that is probably the best thing for your mental health. If someday she gets clean and wants a fresh start, she can always file a motion with the court to start the conversation.

Why are you so leery of going to court?

 

[intend]

@dechen my ex is very smart, manipulative, and conniving. they have been threatening to do all kinds of stuff to ruin my life and i think they will pull every trick in the book and do a giant smear campaign if we have to go to court.

 

[joegold995]

@intend If they’re on drugs and you have proof of that they don’t have a leg to stand on

 

[intend]

@joegold995 i know but even if legally it doesn’t do anything i don’t want to deal with the social ramifications, such as them threatening to send all kinds of personal phone calls and texts to my job that they recorded without my consent.

 

[childofgod001]

@intend You need that custody order. High conflict coparenting is stressful enough without the added complication of addiction. It's best for you and best for your child.

 

[rafaela]

@intend Dude, you're like me two years into the future. Kiddo is less than a year and the father struggles with addiction, same drugs as well. Hugs. It sucks so much. I've gone weeks blocking him, communicating via email and not responding when he sends texts or calls restricted. I tell him via email that I can be contacted there for emergency purposes but since our kid stays with me, I know how to reach him in the event of an emergency. Hmu if you need someone to listen. Idk if I exactly have any super helpful advice but I get it.

 

[intend]

@rafaela thanks so much i will try to message later when i have a free minute.

 

[dane4188]

@intend Key word. Meth. Go to court bro. You already won. And get the restraining order. If they didn't go clean for your baby they will never change

 

[oakfr8tman]

@intend Our Fam Wiz will solve the phone madness