@heavensvoice I’m sorry if it came off that way. It was not intended to be like that. No I will not feel better if people tell me she is trashy.
Coparent’s new GF is vulgar
- Thread starter jham123
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bellavoce7
New member
@bellavoce7 Writing 2 bad checks. Not showing up to court. Losing her license. Driving without valid license and no insurance because she skipped out on court twice on the bad check charges and had warrants. She lied to the ex and said she only wrote one bad check and rectified it promptly (lie) and not about anything else. So a blatant disregard for rules and the law, bad judgement and lying to my ex about her charges. The background check also shows she’s been sued a few times for about 10 thousand dollars, I just don’t have a good feeling about this.
@jham123 It sounds to me like she was down on her luck & made unsound choices & then got stuck in the justice system, like 100,00000’s of others. They aren’t drug or violent charges, give some grace. It’s not your concern anyway. He has his parenting time & you yours, you cannot control the relationship between your son & his dad & this is that.
bellavoce7
New member
@jham123 Definitely sounds like she was just poor, and then too scared to go to court. How long ago were those charges? The most I would do is tell your ex his new gf has had some money repayment problems and that if she asks to borrow his money in the future to only lend what he’s comfortable not getting back
@bellavoce7 I already told him about everything in the background check. He says it’s not true.
bellavoce7
New member
@jham123 But also be prepared that if you tell him that, he could be very angry with you. I know I would be pissed as hell if my ex looked up my current partner and then was trying to tell me to be careful of them. Like he’ll fuck around and find out(maybe). It’s honestly best if you mind your own business.
@bellavoce7 I get what you are saying. My ex knows everything I posted here. His personal life isn’t my business, but My son is my business.
bellavoce7
New member
@jham123 Well with your son you can raise him to be honest, and let him know writing bad checks and borrowing money you don’t intend to pay back is wrong. All you can do for your son is raise him well on your time and be there for him when he needs you. At this point he’s 4 years old so shouldn’t be hearing about any of this and just having fun with mom and dad and being loved.
If your exs GF becomes a permanent member of the family and starts teaching your son bad things in the future, then you can speak with her about the situation as it happens, and teach your son that it’s not right.
For now you need to back out of your exes life for anything other than coparenting. Being in his sex life about who he chooses as a life partner is not your business. Correcting your sons behavior as he ages and instilling proper values is your business. Trying to instill your values at dads house is NOT your business.
Focus on what you can control, your house, your relationship with your son, who YOU choose as a partner. Step faaaaaar out of your exs life unless you want trouble, resentment, and high conflict with him which is NOT in the best interest of your kid.
If your exs GF becomes a permanent member of the family and starts teaching your son bad things in the future, then you can speak with her about the situation as it happens, and teach your son that it’s not right.
For now you need to back out of your exes life for anything other than coparenting. Being in his sex life about who he chooses as a life partner is not your business. Correcting your sons behavior as he ages and instilling proper values is your business. Trying to instill your values at dads house is NOT your business.
Focus on what you can control, your house, your relationship with your son, who YOU choose as a partner. Step faaaaaar out of your exs life unless you want trouble, resentment, and high conflict with him which is NOT in the best interest of your kid.
@bellavoce7 Great advice
@jham123 You essentially have to try to meet them where they are.
They can choose who to date, until she does something to jeopardize the child’s well being you have to navigate it according to what you can control.
Keep an honest and open conversation with your child about how things are but don’t ask leading questions. Let them express it, so not fill them with negative thoughts about that environment
They can choose who to date, until she does something to jeopardize the child’s well being you have to navigate it according to what you can control.
Keep an honest and open conversation with your child about how things are but don’t ask leading questions. Let them express it, so not fill them with negative thoughts about that environment
@bhaskyjhn That makes sense. Thank you
@jham123 I understand the background check. But her acting a bit low class for your taste is not anything you have control over.
Unless she is dangerous to your son you have no say in who your ex dates. It sounds like he is trying to coparent well.
Focus on being the best parent you can to your son that’s all you can do. Be relieved that her charges are not anything to do with children.
Unless she is dangerous to your son you have no say in who your ex dates. It sounds like he is trying to coparent well.
Focus on being the best parent you can to your son that’s all you can do. Be relieved that her charges are not anything to do with children.
simbamford
New member
@jham123 "I made it clear I want to meet her before she’s around my son"
You can want this but you don't actually have a leg to stand on with it, the reality is you do not have the right to insist on meeting her first and the judge will not care if you stalked her online and don't like her. If anything this will look bad for you.
Unless your child is in danger I'd learn to live with it.
You can want this but you don't actually have a leg to stand on with it, the reality is you do not have the right to insist on meeting her first and the judge will not care if you stalked her online and don't like her. If anything this will look bad for you.
Unless your child is in danger I'd learn to live with it.
drethechristian
New member
needzheelyn
New member
@jham123 I’m not sure why everyone is coming for you in this thread. It’s so easy for people to make assumptions based on the little info that’s been provided in a post, and then they grab their pitch forks.
YOU are aware that your coparent has poor judgement and so you are trying to pick up the slack to ensure your son isn’t in any danger, there is nothing wrong with that. It’s not stalking or weird, like everyone is saying.
It would be more weird if knowing your coparent will move someone in on a whim, without knowing anything about them, and you did nothing.
As for the people saying your son won’t see her social media etc. Her representation of herself and her attitude, values portrayed on her social media are a completely valid thing to be off put by, because of course you don’t want someone with all of that being an influence on your very young child.
Whether you meet her or not, your coparent is going to continue dating her and having her around your son. And that sucks.
Even if let’s say your coparent listened to your opinion and you said you didn’t want her around him, it’s just going to be someone else next month or however long his dating cycles are.
Sharing custody and being a coparent means that for whichever percentage the other parent has them for, we have no control over and again - this really sucks.
And I’m saying this only because I would hate for you to continue down the path you’re on and become consumed with stress, worry, resentment and anger.
I’ve been coparenting for 8 years and I’ve been through all of this, even recently when my coparents wife spent the last year abusing my kid. And I thought she was one of the good ones, “if anyone was going to be her stepmom, I’m glad it was you because it could have been so much worse,” I’d say.
Another lesson - just because his girlfriends traits and other information are tangible, doesn’t mean that when he’s dating someone who doesn’t have those first looks readily available for you to form an opinion on doesn’t have anything worrisome about them.
All we can do is stay in our lanes until there is active harm presented to our kids and then act accordingly. It’s a hard pill to swallow but the alternative leads to spending everyday completely beside yourself.
YOU are aware that your coparent has poor judgement and so you are trying to pick up the slack to ensure your son isn’t in any danger, there is nothing wrong with that. It’s not stalking or weird, like everyone is saying.
It would be more weird if knowing your coparent will move someone in on a whim, without knowing anything about them, and you did nothing.
As for the people saying your son won’t see her social media etc. Her representation of herself and her attitude, values portrayed on her social media are a completely valid thing to be off put by, because of course you don’t want someone with all of that being an influence on your very young child.
Whether you meet her or not, your coparent is going to continue dating her and having her around your son. And that sucks.
Even if let’s say your coparent listened to your opinion and you said you didn’t want her around him, it’s just going to be someone else next month or however long his dating cycles are.
Sharing custody and being a coparent means that for whichever percentage the other parent has them for, we have no control over and again - this really sucks.
And I’m saying this only because I would hate for you to continue down the path you’re on and become consumed with stress, worry, resentment and anger.
I’ve been coparenting for 8 years and I’ve been through all of this, even recently when my coparents wife spent the last year abusing my kid. And I thought she was one of the good ones, “if anyone was going to be her stepmom, I’m glad it was you because it could have been so much worse,” I’d say.
Another lesson - just because his girlfriends traits and other information are tangible, doesn’t mean that when he’s dating someone who doesn’t have those first looks readily available for you to form an opinion on doesn’t have anything worrisome about them.
All we can do is stay in our lanes until there is active harm presented to our kids and then act accordingly. It’s a hard pill to swallow but the alternative leads to spending everyday completely beside yourself.
@needzheelyn Thank you for your feedback.
katrina2017
New member
@jham123 You either trust him or you don’t. If you have this many concerns about his judgment, take it to court. If the concerns wouldn’t change a judges ruling or custody agreement, let it go. You don’t get to police other people’s lives. If it’s not serious enough to warrant a custody change it’s none of your concern.
talkingbunny
New member
servantofourlord
New member
@talkingbunny The court would be correct. Many addicts get clean and go on to live happy healthy lives.