Christmas gifts for coparent that you don’t actually like

@sabrinawellard Just stop playing into other peoples values.

If it makes you uncomfortable then that’s enough reason to not do it at all. You don’t need to justify it and it won’t hurt the kids. If the kids want to get their parents gifts they can make art, write a short story/poem or earn money with chores and allowance to buy something.

I will say this: I used to think this fake gift giving was important for the same reasons. I sent Xmas cards every year and presents on Father’s Day and even Mother’s Day to the kids stepmom. I never got anything in return except for when I got remarried this summer and here’s what I learned:

I have a gift, from my ex husband and his partner given to me on my wedding day to my current husband. The gift IS thoughtful and it’s lovely, but I hate it. I hate having it around my house. I hate seeing it. I ultimately packed it away for when my daughter is an adult and can keep it for herself. I believe my ex husband was strong armed by the kids to give me something or because he was trying to have that card in his pocket to pull at a later date for some other manipulation fodder, I do not believe he gave it because he wanted to or in a genuine offer.

Since this I realized they probably hate the gifts I had sent as well; except mine were consumable and eventually thrown out. I don’t think it’s actually nice at all to receive gifts from your ex now (from them or from the kids that they facilitated) and I have decided to not send anything again for the sake of appearances, I’m certain my ex won’t either. I believe my wedding was a one off in preparation for him to use it when his eventual wedding rolls around.
 
@passingthrough1 Thank you! I grew up with my mom buying a gift for everyone and their neighbor at Christmas. And then the first year, he sent gifts over for me, and then for me and my husband and so on. And I felt pressured! Because he took the kids shopping for me and I felt like maybe I wasn’t modeling healthy behavior by not taking them so I started doing it too, but I hate it. And I hate the gifts he sends. I do throw them away after the kids have forgotten about it. One time he got me a really cute bracelet from my daughter, which if my current husband took her to buy- I would wear it every day! But I put it on to appease her on Christmas Day and ever since I put it up with all my costume jewelry and it just sits there- and that is the only thing I’ve kept over the years and it is never worn because I see him when I look at it.
 
@sabrinawellard This made me laugh so much because it’s so relatable! No we don’t have to, but I try to be a good role model for the kids. If they turn around one day and say they don’t want to I won’t force them to get/make anything. In the meantime I’ll grumble about it internally and encourage them to consider what their dad will like. I don’t believe they’ll be traumatised if I don’t do this but it’s a nice thing to do that is relatively harmless to me
 
@sabrinawellard Never compare your life to social media: people will say and do anything, even if it’s disingenuous, so long as it guarantees likes and subscriptions. Just treat them like any other coworker you have to tolerate on the job: be cordial towards one another, cooperate in order to get tasks completed, but don’t go out of your way and act like buddies when you aren’t.

I wonder if they’ll really be traumatized if I don’t send gifts to coparents house on Christmas? I doubt they would be.
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If something so minor would cause them to negatively spiral then they have lived very blessed lives. But it won’t, they’ll be too busy enjoying their own gifts to care.
 
@sabrinawellard Letting the kid pick out something for their other parent? Yeah, I’d probably do that. Don’t think of it as you buying them something. It’s teaching your kid to gift people things for the holiday.

For the person they’re dating? Why the hell would you want to do that? Like that seems insane to me. If their new flame needs a gift from your kid, your ex should be in charge of that. Maybe it’s just me, but buying presents for your ex’s new SO doesn’t strike me as healthy coparenting. It’s something else entirely.
 
@jojo257 I liked the girl he dated for about 2 years and I was appreciative of her treating my kids well, so I would happily send a gift for her, but I still internally rolled my eyes about getting one for him. I know it’s beneficial for the kids, and I try not to think of it as me buying it, but at the end of the day that’s what it is.

To answer your question about why… I have no clue why. The kids have been asking to not go over to her house and he’s been a less involved dad since getting with her. Habit of buying for the previous girlfriend? Not wanting to exclude someone? A $5 body mist is better than a big blow up from him about it? One of those, or all of those.
 
@sabrinawellard I hate my ex and don't buy him a gift from me. We have an agreement to help our daughter buy the other parent gifts for mothers and fathers days, our birthdays, and Christmas with a $25 spending limit (which we're flexible with, but we don't go much over typically). If we didn't have this agreement, he'd never spend any money on me, which would be reciprocated. But, it's for our daughter, and from out daughter.
 
@sabrinawellard I encourage our daughter to make something for him. Then I will gift him a tin of homemade cookies. I already do a lot of baking so throwing together a tin of cookies is very easy. He does not do the same in return but that's fine.
 
@sabrinawellard I have a good co-parent relationship, but I don't buy Christmas presents for my ex. I make sure my daughter has a gift for his birthday and Father's day, but that's it.
We are from the Netherlands and before Christmas we got Sinterklaas. This was the first time she bought presents herself, for her father, his wife, and her grandmother, with partly her own money (she's 16) and partly the money she got from her father. I helped her with finding presents and I've wrapped them for her, but that's all.

Does your ex buy Christmas presents for you?
 
@kelbel81 Unfortunately yes, he does. He’s also had flowers and chocolate delivered to my house on Valentine’s Day (which I can assure you I did NOT reciprocate that and they went in the trash. My husband was insulted, and rightfully so). He sends Mother’s Day gifts, cards, birthday cards/long messages. The only thing I have ever entertained is the buying of the Christmas gifts for him and his family(after he sent gifts first and I felt oddly guilty about not sending gifts to his house). I’ll mention to my kids on the Friday before Father’s Day to make a card for him, but it’s up to them to make them or not.
 
@sabrinawellard Not reading the wall of text.

Just get your kid the gift.

You have no obligation to get a gift for the other parent. Also it just causes drama.

The kid can buy a pocket money gift for the other parent when they have their own decision-making when older prob 3/4.
 
@sabrinawellard I give my kids a budget and let them choose. It’s not a big budget (under $50 typical with leeway) but ex does same for me so kids get to get parents something. Would have done it married so why not now. Ex and I are amicable but there was a whole we were not and still did the same thing back and forth. Same
With bdays.
 
@sabrinawellard We don’t exchange gifts with my ex who we actually coparent well with and are genuinely friendly with. In no way shape or form would I buy a gift for my H’s high conflict ex and her baby daddy. The kids have never asked us to buy one “from them” either so we just don’t. Our exes have other family members that can wrap presents “from the kids” if they feel so inclined.
 
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