When your kids notice the other coparent not being fair, how do you respond?

[jlamb1]

@audranne I went through the same the last few years, our son is 7 1/2 now. I do not engage with that behaviour of his mom and I simply say I love you, how much I love you, you exist and I love you and do not go down the road putting her in the middle of us.

They are very intuitive and smart and will come to their own conclusions in time.

Keep being a great dad!

 

[audranne]

@jlamb1 Thanks! This is the route I usually take. Just sort of staying neutral and loving, while trying to wait it out until they're older and understand it more.

 

[thinrin]

@audranne My advice would be to ask your daughter if she feels comfortable talking to her mom about her feelings. If not, maybe there’s a way to build a bridge before it becomes a real issue of alienation between your ex and daughter. It’s a fine line but if your daughter vents to you and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her feelings with your ex, your ex may not know how her behavior is affecting your daughter. And over time, that can really damage what could otherwise have been close relationships. If your daughter always sees you as a safe space to talk about feelings but doesn’t ever share with your ex, your ex may also be confused and worried about the relationship.

 

[audranne]

@thinrin In a normal situation I would absolutely agree with you, but their mom is more on the emotionally abusive side and I don’t feel that she would be receptive to any discussion. In the past when I’ve tried to do just this, she then throws it back at me and tells me I’m being manipulative by even having the conversation at all. I’m definitely at my wits end.

 

[kay911]

@audranne I suggest using a co-parenting communication app, and funnel everything through there.

And then, in the future, when your kids are 25+, if they are asking questions, you can give them the export of the communication records. You don't have to put your spin or flavor on it, or even ever give it to them. But if you approach every communication with the idea that they might eventually read it - you will take the higher road, and in turn, you will be a good co-parent.

You cannot control the parent, but you can control how you react/respond/etc to their shenanigans. Be as level/flat as possible when communicating to and about them, and your kids will eventually see true colors of both parents.

 

[audranne]

@kay911 Yes absolutely, luckily I convinced her to start using ofw last year and it’s been a godsend. It’s also a lot easier to track the more erratic and delusional behavior when she’s breaking court orders left and right.

 

[brittneylovee3]

@audranne I feel this so hard. But instead of reacting I try to encourage my son to talk to his dad. Frankly my son told me one day that he didn't like it when I raised my voice and since that day I have worked very hard to not raise my voice anymore. Even if she isn't going to change, you're teaching the kids to speak to the person directly instead of backbending situations, handling conflict, problem solving, and accountability. I am empathetic but don't take it personally what my son tells me. I say man that sounds so so hard. Have you tried talking to your dad about how you feel? What do you think you should do? And if he needs suggestions I give them but I don't treat it like he is my ex. I treat it like he is complaining about another kid at school.

You can't get involved in a situation you have no control over, so help equip your kids to be their own advocates and problem solvers, build resiliency, and frankly handle disappointment. The ex is responsible for her behavior alone and you can only be there to teach your kids how to handle this on their own, with support and a great coach on their side. Good luck

 

[brittneylovee3]

Also to add - thank them for having the trust in you that they come to you. Encourage them to continue to do so, so you can keep them safe if a situation rises to a level where they are in danger. If you don't have empathy and express this, then the rest is meaningless.

 

[audranne]

@brittneylovee3 Thanks, great advice. I myself went to a counselor that suggested I do this, and I have encouraged them to ask these questions of their mom. Unfortunately their mom is hypertensive to anything that she might take as criticism, even from a child, and I worry that I might be putting them in a bad situation. We have done it this way a few times, with mixed results. I do try to be honest about the fact that I can’t control what she does, but struggle with the responses sometimes. Most of the time, I just stay neutral. Thanking them for sharing is great advice.

 

[canick]

@audranne See if your work has an EAP that includes counseling sessions. Let them talk to a neutral party and let them make their own judgement call.

 

[audranne]

@canick This is definitely something to consider. I work as a contract employee most of the time, so it might not be an option, but my union may have something like this. I've tried to get her to reattend mediation re: changing holiday plans, avoiding agreement, etc, but she's refusing. Do you know anything about neutral social workers? I've read a bit about it, but I wasn't sure if it would be useful.

 

[kevin__huang]

@audranne I’ve always been told “don’t disparage the other parent” but at some point you have to say fuck it and tell them the truth.

“Your mom is crazy, I’m sorry you have to deal with her, and I will do everything I can to ensure you are happy when you are with me.”

 

[audranne]

@kevin__huang I've definitely been tempted to do this ha, but I also have so many friends from divorced homes that grew up hating when their parents did this. My parents weren't divorced, and even they would do this sometimes, and I don't think it really works. BUT if someone is acting legitimately cruel and irrational and your kid notices, its hard to know what to do.