Am I a petty coparent?

[darrenclay]

I (32F) share two sons (5,8) with my ex (35M) we split our children 50/50- week on and week off with the exchange day on Mondays after school. We definitely do not get along but keep our distance and do what we have to do to keep the peace for the kids. Our youngest (5) is insanely athletic and basically thrives in any sport he’s signed up for our oldest enjoys it as well. I do view sports as an essential part of childhood to hone in passions, learn social skills, order/discipline and make friends. Football is currently both of their passions, although they enjoy pretty much any sport. Their dad grew up on sports, our proportional share is 20% (me) 80% (him) he has decided he no longer wants to contribute to any sports aside from baseball (even if the boys don’t want to play baseball) I am happy I get that- at least. But he disagrees to any and all other sports. At first I thought it was a money thing so I have been paying for all sports in full by myself and giving him the schedule and let it be known that I don’t expect repayment but simply want the kids involved in sports so to please show up to practice or games if he can we live in the same area so everything is nearby to both us (closer to him actually as I also sign them up in the town he lives in) our kids are basically week on/ week off with sports which sucks and makes them really sad. I have asked their dad why he refuses to support and it is just “I don’t want to” it’s becoming quite the thorn in my side as it affects them and is getting quite costly to pay thousands of dollars to have them only show up 1/2 the time. Can someone shed some light on this- am I being petty? Is this a small issue I need to let go of? Should I stop signing them up for anything outside of baseball? I don’t argue him simply always send the schedule for sports and say “if you chose to come out this is where to go and what time to be there” I also supply all gear for these sports as well.

 

[jojo257]

@darrenclay I don’t think you’re being petty. It sounds like you genuinely want what you think is best for your kids and are just frustrated because he doesn’t want the same things.

I suggest thinking about it, maybe not from his perspective. Putting yourself in your exe’s mind will come with all sorts of baggage and make being objective hard. Think if this was a stranger on Reddit having this problem but from the other end, what might they be saying? “My ex is signing my kids up for things during my time with no consideration for my schedule or plans and getting upset when I don’t take them.” That person isn’t really being petty either, are they? You don’t know all the details, but conceivably, they might have a point.

You’re not going to always agree on what’s best for the kids. You can’t force him to do anything with his time with the kids and his money that’s not explicitly outlined in the custody agreement. So it may be time to either look at other schedules for things like sports or other schedules for custody or else just do the best you can with the way it is.

 

[tootallsheart73]

@darrenclay Is changing the schedule away from week on and week off an option? We have my partner’s kids Monday, Thursday, and alternating Friday-Sunday. So it’s still 50/50, and the only exchange done in person is the Sunday 5pm exchange. The other transitions are from school. We can plan extracurriculars on Mondays and Thursdays, knowing we have them on those weekdays.

 

[dechen]

@darrenclay What do the kids say about the topic? Are they complaining about not going to the other sports? Have you asked them?

Personally I don't see the point in doing more than one kind of sport at a time because there's only so many hours in the day and there are lots of other activities that are worthwhile besides team sports. It would be one thing if he refused to put them into any team sports but it sounds like he consistently brings them to baseball practice and games. He also brings them to the other sports practices part of the time. To him it may feel like you're trying to monopolize his time with the boys by scheduling every spare hour for them.

How many hours per week are we talking about? Would it leave the boys with enough time to do their homework and still have some relaxation time in the evening? Would it also leave time for them to engage in other hobbies and friendships?

This is a great opportunity to adjust the way that both of you relate to each other and communicate with each other. He needs to learn to open up to you more about why he's making the decisions he is. It sounds like maybe you need to learn to consider the possibility that you are legitimately overdoing it in certain areas.

Regardless of the reasons why he's not always taking them, I do think the right move is to stop paying for sports he hasn't agreed to participate in. That is only wasting your money and building your resentment. Making unilateral decisions for how the boys should be spending a major part of their week with the other parent rarely works out well. It will go much smoother if you get on the same page first with what the boys days should look like and what their work-life balance should be.

 

[abril]

@dechen OP says in the post it makes the kids really sad.

 

[biblebeliever70]

@darrenclay Definitely not petty. I was worried about this exact scenario with my daughter, with coparent not willing to participate on their time.

I understand this is not always possible, but I found a class with a generous make-up policy for classes and minimal events. As long as I say she’s going to be absent in advance, I can make up the class during my time. She’s in tumbling/gymnastics, but you can also look into swimming classes, private music lessons, or possibly karate/ninja classes.

Obviously not ideal since it seems like they really enjoy team sports. But it could give them something without pissing away half of tuition.

Side note, once my ex realized he was no longer in control, he has started taking her to the classes during his time. Go figure.

 

[rvin]

@darrenclay I was under the impression, one parent cannot schedule activities during the other parent’s time.

If you want your kids to show up to practice every week then consider changing your parenting schedule to a 2-2-3. You’ll have them on certain days every week so you’ll be able to take them to practice.

 

[danields]

@darrenclay I think you are asking the wrong questions. Not whether or not you are petty, but why doesn’t he want to cooperate/participate in this sports-centric dynamic.

Maybe he doesn’t think this much emphasis on sports is healthy or appropriate. One of them is only 5!

Maybe he loves that they love sports but too much isn’t good for them.

Maybe he doesn’t want you signing the kids up for things on his time without discussing with him first.

Maybe he has plans or ideas of what he wanted to do with them during his time that he feels is a better choice.

Maybe he just wants down time with them on his time and doesn’t want to run around.

Point being- there are a multitude of legitimate reasons why he doesn’t want to participate this way.

Other co-parent has the authority and privilege of running their home and their custodial time as they see fit. He doesn’t even have to give you an explanation. Would be nice if he outlined why he’s making different choices than before to you - but he doesn’t have to.

 

[childofgod001]

@darrenclay I am not saying any of the following is morally right, as the kids should come first, but unless your court order specifically states that an equal contribution is required towards extra curriculars, he is not obligated to pay anything towards it. If you have signed the kids up for things that take place during his custody time that he has not agreed to, he's not obligated to take them. You're not being petty, but you can not control what he does. If you are the one who wants the kids to do these things, then you are the one who needs to stump up the cash.

 

[katrina2017]

@childofgod001 Came here to say this. This is the way the system works. Doesn't matter if you like it or not, it is what it is.

Coparenting goes much more smoothly if you do not schedule things on the other parent's parenting time. If you must schedule things on their parenting time, ensure that there is mutual agreement.

If there isn't, it's too bad. But they have a legal right to parent as they see fit on their parenting time.

 

[jackaru]

@childofgod001 She already said she is happy and willing to pay for all of it including equipment. All he would have to do is show up. Which yes he does not HAVE to do. But she clearly says he isn’t paying anything and she’s fine with that

 

[jordanw123]

@jackaru What if he doesn’t want to show up and would rather spend that time with his kids? Y’all are ignoring the fact that it’s his scheduled time with his children. OP can pay for it and say that she’ll take the kids to practice and games, but that’s not the issue. Maybe he wants to spend his time with them not running around for a schedule dictated by his ex wife. Kids probably also really enjoy spending time with dad doing whatever he does.

OP said something about this being a control issue…it is. She’s trying to control how he spends his time with their children.

 

[thatgirlinjapan]

@jordanw123 I think the part that's being missed here is that the children are passionate about football and really want to play. At what point is Dad complicit in not allowing his children the opportunity to follow their passion and do what they love? It's not about Dad "giving in" to OP or losing time or following a schedule dictated by her, it's about him denying his children opportunities just to be difficult and maintain control of "his time". It's so selfish. These kids are whole people who deserve to have interests and agency over their own lives regardless of who's house they're legally supposed to sleep at that night.

 

[jordanw123]

@thatgirlinjapan The kids might also be “passionate” about an activity they do on dad’s time they OP is leaving out or doesn’t know about. Maybe dad and the boys play an interactive game together on weeknights or have a standing movie date to go see something fun.

Also we don’t know if dad has the capacity for that many sports. When my kid was 5 she was “passionate” about something new every week! It’s a stretch to say that dad is denying them some opportunity. They’re both under the age of 10. Denying them their passion is an absolute stretch.

 

[jackaru]

@jordanw123 You’re leaning really hard into attributing facts and possibilities that don’t exist in the post. I get playing the devils advocate but we’re responding to the post presented, not any hypotheticals. OP is in the situation and no matter how biased we think she is, she knows the situation and her kids better than us. Suggesting that the kids might be thinking this or that or be passionate about something else or that OP is leaving something out is not productive whatsoever. The facts that are presented are: kids want to do a sport/s that mom has signed them up for, dad doesn’t want to take them. Don’t assume dishonesty.

 

[jordanw123]

@jackaru That’s a good point. However, the only fact for me is that mom is scheduling things on dads time. It doesn’t matter what OP thinks is best, what she wants for the kids, or what they’re passionate about. None of us gets to decide what happens on the coparent’s time.

 

[jackaru]

@jordanw123 “None of us get to decide what happens on the coparents time.”

Maybe not us, but I believe in putting the kids first so how much do the KIDS get to decide what happens on dad’s time?

 

[jordanw123]

@jackaru Absolutely. The kids needs and wants always come first. But just because my child wants me to be a full time soccer mom/theater mom/equestrian mom doesn’t mean It’s possible. I’ll also point out that needs and wants are different. Kids need love, affection, and the basic necessities to live. For me, it’s a decision between taking my kiddo to counseling or to soccer practice. I choose counseling, and not to spite her dad, but because I think that’s the best use of our time.

 

[danrodrig]

@childofgod001 She’s paying for it and said she’s fine with that, just not fine with paying for it only for half of the classes to never be shown up to. Usually because it’s his time the the court would simply say that and leave it as so, but in this case they have already historically been doing those activities on his time and it was fine, and the kids clearly very much enjoy it and old enough/exposed enough to this routine to express they’re disappointed when they don’t go. In this scenario, she could easily make a case to the court to allow her to pick the children up during his week to take them to these practices if he refuses. Maybe just football and baseball, so 2-3 practices a week. His children should not have to suffer lack of extracurricular activities, that will greatly benefit them to have had experience in as they age, simply because dad “doesn’t want to”. Sounds like she could pay for a lawyer too, it’s not that much to tell them what you want argued and have them present it to the courthouse.

 

[classicnostalgia]

@danrodrig Are you saying OP should take the ex back to family court, force a custody change, upend the status quo, just so she could enrol the kids in extra activities? If I was the opposing lawyer, I’d get that claim tossed out and have OP pay for the costs.