1 year and a half in - sleep is impossible

[seosmooze]

@carra Oh, we have to manage it, it isn't perfect. It's worked so far. Figure we'll transition her to sleeping alone in the next year or so (age 3-4). We're very good with boundaries in other parts of life; you can train clinginess out later if it's a problem.

And as for sex life that's none of your business but it's not an issue.

 

[alkimizta2012]

@laodicean60 This sounds terrible. Feel for you, but why have a second kid if the first was so bad. We are going through a real tough time with our first at the moment and can honestly say, never again.

 

[cleophilia3]

@alkimizta2012 Just chiming in to say our oldest's sleep troubles started when my wife was 6 months pregnant with #2. If I could turn back time...

 

[kishanugen]

@bondo Hey Dad - living through this as well. Hang in there!

 

[carra]

@bondo You guys need to sleep train, like yesterday.

One and a half is waaaaaay too old to be waking up 5/7 a night.

Your kid should be getting 11-14 hours of sleep a day. So, say bedtime is 8 pm and wakeup is 6 am. Your kid should be sleeping a maximum of 3-4 hours for naps by this point.

Get on a strict sleep schedule, buckle in for some crying, but in a few days or weeks you'll be off to Dreamland.

Do it for your kid's development. If they're not getting good sleep it'll have knock ons later (speech, mobility, cognitive dev). And also do it for your guys' sanity. Constant sleep deprivation is a slow killer.

 

[fassy]

@carra Hey just a quick question my 16mo sleeps 12/13 hours at night and is not taking a nap in the middle of the day, should we put him to bed later or wake him up earlier so he sleeps less at night and takes a nap during the day?

 

[carra]

@fassy What's bed time for your kid?

Does he have behavioral hiccups during the day because he's tired?

My 2.5 year old goes down at 1 pm, wakes up between 3 and 4 pm. He still sleeps a decent bit because he has pretty mild cerebral palsey and sleep is good for his speech delay.

I'd say you're good to slot a nap if you think he needs it. Some kids drop their naps naturally by 2 but it all depends.

 

[fassy]

@carra 6:15 bath time 7:00 lights off and I leave his room. He struggles behaviorally around dinner time so our pediatrician suggested just doing dinner earlier, which has helped somewhat but it's still rough. It's a long time for a kid his age to be awake and more importantly my wife is a SAHM who sees clients after bedtime and she needs him to nap so she can nap as well lol.

 

[carra]

@fassy Then yeah I'd say swing for a 1.5 hour snooze during the day

 

[loadedcafe]

@carra This is the answer and honestly the only thing OP needs to understand. Sleep training works and it just requires some patience and a few tough nights. I’m always bewildered when I read stories on this sub about kids older than about 6 months waking up more than once or twice a night. That’s completely unnecessary with some sleep training and makes for a happier and healthier household for everyone

 

[carra]

@loadedcafe Yeah, I think parents get really sucked into the mythos that young kids just drain you to death. So they don't always wonder if they can do anything to make it better now. They just default to waiting it and being passive about pain points.

 

[lyzza631]

@carra Some people like myself don’t think it’s nice or good for the kid to ignore their crying.

 

[carra]

@lyzza631 Totally fair, but they also need to learn to self soothe. So I mean, it's a pick your poison situation.

But I think, from my perspective, it's better to let them cry it out because lack of sleep hurts everyone in a much more visceral way.

 

[lyzza631]

@carra They will learn this naturally as they get older like our kids have. Our 3 and 5 year old sleep through the night just fine and we never let them cry it out. We are very happy we didn't ignore them. Our sleep getting interrupted did not hurt anyone besides us just being a little more tired throughout the day. This "pain" on ourselves was worth it to be nicer to our babies and lets them know they are loved and mommy and daddy are there to help them.

 

[alex4u]

@lyzza631 My legitimate question to that statement is why?

Getting an infant/toddler to learn to sleep on their own seems like a "how do you want your medicine" situation. Either you take it early when they're an infant and deal with those sucky sleepless nights. Or you avoid those early sleepless nights temporarily by holding them, letting them sleep in your room, etc. But then end up having to still deal with their crying when they are older or a toddler.

Either way, you're going to take the medicine and to me it seems like the longer you delay, the tougher it is the eventually take that medicine. May as well rip the band aid off asap.

 

[seosmooze]

@alex4u

My legitimate question to that statement is why?

The argument against sleep training is that it's not healthy for the child. It is forcing the child to self-soothe before they are physiologically capable of doing so. Just google "The drawbacks of sleep training."

 

[lyzza631]

@seosmooze Exactly.

 

[lyzza631]

@alex4u I think it's mean to ignore your child crying. They are saying "mommy and daddy, I need help!". They are just babies, not adults.

 

[alex4u]

@lyzza631 I get that, but eventually doesn't that have to happen either way? I guess that is my confusion. It just feels like it's delaying an inevitable discomfort that you'll have to deal with.

No it isn't fun and you don't feel good hearing your baby crying, but I don't see that as better than waiting until they're a toddler and having to hear a 18-24 month old crying. The crying and being unhappy about not having mommy/daddy be with you until you're fully alseep is going to happen either way, may as well try to nip it in the bud early if possible.

I feel like the job of parents is to set up guardrails and help the kid steer their own ship. Those guardrails widen as time goes on and eventually you get to a point where the kid is ideally steering their own ship without guard rails.

Yes a baby crying is saying "I need help" but if you've ensured they are fed, safe, the temperature is comfortable and they are placed in the crib properly it's less a need a more a desire. They want to be held, picked up and soothed. Just like we don't give our kid oreos at 8am (which he asks for often for breakfast) because we don't want to set the habit, we didn't pick him up when he'd cry because we didn't set the habit that we'll soothe you to sleep, you gotta learn to do that on your own. We didn't completely abandon him but letting him cry 15-25 mins was normal and that time slowly decreased as we progressed in the training.

Them being able to get themselves back to sleep is a guardrail that they eventually have to learn how to navigate. I guess I don't see the purpose in delaying it longer than needed if doctors recommend starting around that ~6 month timeframe (give or take).

 

[loadedcafe]

@alex4u Very well said