Uncontrolled sobbing at my wife telling me I am safe and loved

[cece_lee16]

My dad (died in 17) had 3 brothers, one of which the family is almost completely gone. Every member of my uncle’s family has been arrested: parents for domestic violence/drug possession/theft/fraud, each of the 3 children for either theft/drug possession/possession with intent. The mother and father both died in the last 2 years, and now the middle child has OD’d last Sunday.

When I was telling my wife about my cousin, I said I wasn’t sad for the loss (I didn’t have any connection with them outside of holidays) but sad for my grandma and mad that my youngest uncle has to sort yet another one of their estates out.

She said, “I just hope you know that you are loved, and you are safe” and held my hand.

Y’all, I looked at her and it just released. Everything, all at once. I don’t know, but maybe I haven’t felt safe and loved in a long time (my family disintegrated after Hurricane Katrina…sister abandoned the family, didn’t speak to dad for the rest of his life, mom walked out a year later).

My dad was an addict, hid it from me his whole life. When I learned about his condition after he died, ALOT of our relationship started clicking.

I don’t know what this is supposed to help the rest of you with, but I hope you feel safe and loved today.

 

[davidscancer]

@cece_lee16 I can’t speak to your family issues as I have no experience of that sort of thing, but it sounds to me like your wife said the perfect thing at the perfect time. Be sure to tell her how much you appreciate her, though you’ve probably already done that…

 

[cece_lee16]

@davidscancer Man, you ain’t never lying. Makes me check myself when I feel myself getting worked up or hijacked. Her and our daughter are the best things to happen to me. They’re getting the big, serious hug when they wake up from their naps.

 

[annamg]

@cece_lee16 I’m a lurker non-dad, and I happen to have an incredible relationship with my own father. When you mentioned giving your kid the “big, serious hug” I thought about how important it was that my dad demonstrated not just support FOR me, but gracious appreciation for when I would be there for him (in a healthy age-appropriate manner of course; he grew up within an abusive family). I just wanted to commend your attitude and also thank you for sharing such a heartening experience here.

 

[babitanepali]

@cece_lee16 I am glad someone told you as everyone deserves to be loved and feeling safe

 

[cece_lee16]

@babitanepali I think it’s something everyone wants to feel and is seeking, but don’t always get to hear or see in a tangible way.

 

[babitanepali]

@cece_lee16 I agree as some people never know that they are loved but I hope your relationship thrives.

 

[kutiekitty]

@cece_lee16 I’ve cried in front my wife more than anyone in my adult life. She’s the most understanding person I’ve ever met. It’s hard to be vulnerable so consider yourself blessed to have someone you can be vulnerable with. Keep on keeping on.

 

[wolmart]

@kutiekitty But be careful too....showing your vulnerabilities as a man is a risky thing unless you know and trust your partner 100 %
I have experienced thinking I was in a loving and safe space and expressing emotion and vulnerabilities...to find I was mistaken. I thought I was opening up a part of me kept hidden. I was looking for support, reassurance; empathy, sympathy at the least.
Instead I got judged, emasculated and thought less of for sharing. The glasses that our partners wear were not strong enough.
".... A word to the wise is sufficient......"

 

[faaraah]

@wolmart Unfortunately, the self destructive hyper-masculine ideals many men subscribe to is also internalized by a significant number of women as well.

That said I think you could have read the original poster's comment better, clearly the trust is there and his wife actually allows him to be vulnerable without penalty.

So what you've said isn't necessarily wrong, just not applicable... which is why you were downvoted

 

[lacaca]

@faaraah

just not applicable...

I assumed he was speaking to the rest of us, not just directly to OP. There are some who need to hear both sides.

Recently this meme has been circulating:

I wanted this man to be vulnerable with me for so long. He finally called me yesterday & opened up but the second he started crying, I lost all interest in him... quickly. This is a safe space, but not that safe

 

[faaraah]

@lacaca I mean sure and I don't disagree but its clear it wasn't a PSA but a direct response so that's what I was speaking to.

 

[jeffoh1990]

@faaraah Are you really saying some women are terrible because of masculinity??

 

[kolson65]

@jeffoh1990 Y’know when older women look down on the younger women for having careers, education, body piercings, not being able to cook, etc. bc the older generation internalized these ideals, and now they think women aren't womanly enough? The comment you're replying to is saying that, but in the reverse. That when unhealthy, misandrist ideas of masculinity are the norm, inevitably some women will internalize those ideas too and expect men to live up to them. Women wouldn't care about men being 6' tall if it wasn't a standard of masculinity in the culture. It's wrong and it's misandrist. The comment isn't saying "women are bad bc masculinity," it's saying "toxic masculinity hurts men AND women." And the same is true of toxic femininity.

 

[az1]

@wolmart

But be careful too....showing your vulnerabilities as a man is a risky thing unless you know and trust your partner 100 % I have experienced thinking I was in a loving and safe space and expressing emotion and vulnerabilities...to find I was mistaken.

I went through this with my ex-wife. I admit that I was terrible about processing and sharing emotions in my 20s, and I worked really hard to become comfortable with that and opened up to my ex-wife about a lot of things.

Then she threw it back at me and kicked me in the metaphorical dick, which destroyed years of progress in being able to open up about my emotions. It took 7 years after I divorced her to feel 100% comfortable sharing with another partner.

 

[shumpy]

@wolmart I've had similar experiences. Being vulnerable around your girl can be a good thing when things are going good. When there is turbulence they will typically use those same vulnerabilities against you. I tested this by telling an ex how much it bothers me when people cuss at me. It doesn't bother me but this was the test. The next time we got in a fight she started intentionally cussing more because I had shared that information.

 

[katrina2017]

@shumpy This has happened to me too. My ex-wife and I got into an argument, she was high as fuck and screamed at me, “That’s why your mama didn’t want you.” She knew that, while I was adopted at 15, my time in foster care is not something I look back on fondly. My mom was 15 when she got pregnant with me. She did the right thing, as far as I’m concerned. After that, I was pretty much like that’s the last time I share anything with anyone. Even now that I know my wife is a healthy and safe person, I’ve sort of given her a very skeletal view of my life in foster care. I’ll eventually tell her everything but that experience with my ex made me kind of just want to shove it away in a box.

 

[lik]

@shumpy People who use your vulnerablities against you like that are literally abusive and a huge red flag, I hope you ditched that ex as soon as she showed how readily she exploited the information against you. Such a terrible person.

 

[timcrinion]

@wolmart Sorry you're getting downvoted. Your experience is also valid.

 

[lacaca]

@wolmart I'm sorry you went through that. And hope you learned that truth about them before committing too much of yourself to them. I also hope you've found a more supportive partner. Don't give up on being vulnerable.