Seeking advice: Dating as a coparenting single mom, in a complicated relationship
- Thread starter lightspeed2slow
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@praveen123 Fake!
praveen123
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@shalouand ??
burnmydread
New member
@lightspeed2slow Are you and your kids living with this man after 8 months of dating? Seems a little quick, but thatās up to you.
I would not expect someone I was dating to change their life for my kids (waking up earlier for them), I would also not accept anyone getting drunk around my kids and or being inappropriate.
Why are you with this guy if his drinking is impacting your kids?
I would not expect someone I was dating to change their life for my kids (waking up earlier for them), I would also not accept anyone getting drunk around my kids and or being inappropriate.
Why are you with this guy if his drinking is impacting your kids?
shutupandrock94
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@lightspeed2slow Run, don't walk. You're better off without him. A lot of people here saying it's not his responsibility to care for your kids or change his old habits. Well, if he is not willing to show a little effort to contribute to the relationship which is supporting you and your kids, he's not the one. I can't imagine in a longer run. You don't need another man child.
marinemike
New member
@shutupandrock94 This is also a good time to leave and hopefully the oldest kid wonāt remember him much. It just doesnāt sound like a good situation at all. Definitely not so soon. And definitely not with someone who has so many red flags already.
tissuepaperpet
New member
@lightspeed2slow I find it naive to expect that your boyfriend could change. Guys with bachelor lifestyle and drinking problem (especially if he is not in his twenties anymore) don't change. They are the most comfortable being who they are... Even if he would change most likely it is not gonna last.
@tissuepaperpet Exactly... and if he's not trying to impress her now while it's still new, it's not going to get any better!
anonymous108723
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@lightspeed2slow Umm yeah, end the relationship. Why are you calling your kids "our kids" after 8 months of fasting this guy?
He sounds like a loser rebound. You have moved too fast with this and I suggest taking time to yourself. If you have to make a reddit post about whether or not you should date an alcoholic after a recent divorce... He's certainly not supportive.
He sounds like a loser rebound. You have moved too fast with this and I suggest taking time to yourself. If you have to make a reddit post about whether or not you should date an alcoholic after a recent divorce... He's certainly not supportive.
katrina2017
New member
@lightspeed2slow Drop him and stay single until your children are grown. That's the best advice I can give you.
@lightspeed2slow Ditch the new BF. Often after divorce separation our standards are extremely low. With dating experience you likely will have higher standards and find a better match.
silvershark
New member
@lightspeed2slow What you allow is what will continue. None of this is good here or bodes well for a long term relationship. So, break up now. Your only obligation is to you and your kids. Full stop.
Alcoholism, even if seemingly controlled, isnāt great for kids to grow up around.
Anyone they see interacting with you is teaching them how to treat* women and what behavior to accept and allow.
Read Lundyās Why Does He Do That - itās an audiobook for free at your public library through Libby and there are free PDFs online. Get out. Now.
Alcoholism, even if seemingly controlled, isnāt great for kids to grow up around.
Anyone they see interacting with you is teaching them how to treat* women and what behavior to accept and allow.
Read Lundyās Why Does He Do That - itās an audiobook for free at your public library through Libby and there are free PDFs online. Get out. Now.
johnmbanares
New member
@lightspeed2slow The jealousy, insecurity and especially the drinking are all serious red flags here. If he has already behaved inappropriately in front of your children due to drinking, that is reason enough to end the relationship. You are not being too demanding, but you need to put their health and safety as well as your own first and he is clearly not in a state to provide a great environment for those priorities.
frankae003
New member
@lightspeed2slow Sorry to say OP, as someone who has experienced alcohol issues with a partner before - that you need to run. He has an addiction, and no will power or strategy on your part will change that. When someone has an addiction (has a negative impact on their life/relationships and they still partake) you will always end up last. Maybe not all the time - but when things come right down to it - alcohol will win every time.
Get out of that relationship. If you are the breadwinner, you should be able to manage financially. Donāt trade one unhealthy relationship for another. Become strong in yourself, without a man first, then seek out people who already have it together. This alcohol issue will not go away and nothing stays the same, so it will most likely get worse.
I can almost guarantee that he wonāt stick to sobriety, and your childrenās good health is not worth the gamble on this guy who is guilt-tripping you, and exhausting you emotionally. You are better off on your own than being with the wrong person.
Thatās my 2 cents. Good luck!!
Get out of that relationship. If you are the breadwinner, you should be able to manage financially. Donāt trade one unhealthy relationship for another. Become strong in yourself, without a man first, then seek out people who already have it together. This alcohol issue will not go away and nothing stays the same, so it will most likely get worse.
I can almost guarantee that he wonāt stick to sobriety, and your childrenās good health is not worth the gamble on this guy who is guilt-tripping you, and exhausting you emotionally. You are better off on your own than being with the wrong person.
Thatās my 2 cents. Good luck!!
katrina2017
New member
@lightspeed2slow I was with my partner for 12 years. He was always a social drinker, but the disease progressed into full on alcoholism when I got pregnant with our child. He couldnāt cope, and so he coped the only way he knew how.
The beginning of our childās life was me locking our bedroom door to keep our child safe so he couldnāt drunkingly drop him. During that time i was the loneliest Iāve ever been. Heās been to rehab a couple of times and we separated once before (I left when he tried to drive my child and I while drunk fresh out of rehab and then kicked the back of my seat and yelled at me for the remaining of the car ride) before he swore he got the help he needed and changed. I decided to give him another chance for the sake of our marriage and child. Within a month of him moving back in he went back to the lies and the drinking. I hoped it would get better but it just got worse and worse. Then one day, he came back from an AA meeting (thatās where he claimed he went) and he was so drunk he couldnāt talk without slurring or walk straight. His eyes were so glazed I barely recognized him. And my 3 year old was scared of his daddy. Kept asking him what was wrong with him. Thatās when I knew it was time to leave. Because I was scared of him as an adult, and I never want my child growing up in a house he felt unsafe in. We are divorced now.
If they donāt truly want to change, they wonāt. Even those that really want to sometimes cannot overcome the monster that is addiction. I will tell you being married to an alcoholic with kids in the picture is way harder than being a single mom. It may also cause you issues with coparenting and your visitation rights since thereās obvious safety issues involved. Thereās no future here, get out of this now.
The beginning of our childās life was me locking our bedroom door to keep our child safe so he couldnāt drunkingly drop him. During that time i was the loneliest Iāve ever been. Heās been to rehab a couple of times and we separated once before (I left when he tried to drive my child and I while drunk fresh out of rehab and then kicked the back of my seat and yelled at me for the remaining of the car ride) before he swore he got the help he needed and changed. I decided to give him another chance for the sake of our marriage and child. Within a month of him moving back in he went back to the lies and the drinking. I hoped it would get better but it just got worse and worse. Then one day, he came back from an AA meeting (thatās where he claimed he went) and he was so drunk he couldnāt talk without slurring or walk straight. His eyes were so glazed I barely recognized him. And my 3 year old was scared of his daddy. Kept asking him what was wrong with him. Thatās when I knew it was time to leave. Because I was scared of him as an adult, and I never want my child growing up in a house he felt unsafe in. We are divorced now.
If they donāt truly want to change, they wonāt. Even those that really want to sometimes cannot overcome the monster that is addiction. I will tell you being married to an alcoholic with kids in the picture is way harder than being a single mom. It may also cause you issues with coparenting and your visitation rights since thereās obvious safety issues involved. Thereās no future here, get out of this now.
@lightspeed2slow My girl, you need to run far away from that old man right to a therapistās office.
lightspeed2slow
New member
I did and Iām running in to therapy on Thursday!@lightspeed2slow Good for you, take time for yourself and your kids to heal from the divorce. You have plenty of time to date and good luck!!!
lightspeed2slow
New member
@sweets101 Thanks!!!
@lightspeed2slow You should spend more time single. A 10 year marriage and only 4 months single is not the best way to start dating. Also, that's awfully fast to be living with a boyfriend when you have children. End this relationship because he won't change and spend time getting to know who you are now. As a wife/mother/employee you spent the last decade catering to others. It's time to find out what you like or don't like and get to know who you are now. Once you know who you are and are happy with yourself (others cannot bring you happiness) then you can take the time to date. That can take years, it all depends on you and how much time you invest in yourself.
I stayed single for several years after my 20 year marriage with 4 children and even then I didn't introduce them to people I was dating until I knew the relationship was going to be serious enough to last. I'm still with that person and i still asked my children who had to live with me if they were comfortable with us dating. Had they not been comfortable, I would have ended the relationship with him and he knew that. I would never force my children to live with someone they couldn't stand. Although, to this day we still don't live together full time (we both own our homes from before our relationship and he stays at his during the work week) and all my children are grown and on their own I would still ask for their input if I was still single (they wouldn't have as much say now, but some say at least).
If you want a relationship with your children and you want to have a serious relationship with someone else then they should all get along and everyone should be able to see eye to eye.
I stayed single for several years after my 20 year marriage with 4 children and even then I didn't introduce them to people I was dating until I knew the relationship was going to be serious enough to last. I'm still with that person and i still asked my children who had to live with me if they were comfortable with us dating. Had they not been comfortable, I would have ended the relationship with him and he knew that. I would never force my children to live with someone they couldn't stand. Although, to this day we still don't live together full time (we both own our homes from before our relationship and he stays at his during the work week) and all my children are grown and on their own I would still ask for their input if I was still single (they wouldn't have as much say now, but some say at least).
If you want a relationship with your children and you want to have a serious relationship with someone else then they should all get along and everyone should be able to see eye to eye.