Seeking advice: Dating as a coparenting single mom, in a complicated relationship

@lightspeed2slow It’s not a match. It’s a significant change in lifestyle for him, and he doesn’t seem committed to making that change.

Also, I realize this is a personal red flag for me, but the insecurity & jealousy would be exhausting. I don’t ever want to experience that again.

As far as your question about fairness in his involvement with the kids, I think those roles vary. Your kids are very young and while maybe you shouldn’t expect him to be chipping in on a daily basis, for him to be involved and help when needed occasionally isn’t too much. Again, at their age, they’ll grow up with him. They need to build a relationship.
 
@lightspeed2slow based solely on reading what you wrote, the best way to "approach this situation with him" is to not be in a situation with him.

It's not clear why you are with him given what you have written, and anyone who behaves inappropriately in front of children (being drunk is not an excuse) should not be in front of children.

This is not not your person. Why subject your children to this?
 
@lightspeed2slow No, unfortunately you are correct. The boyfriend needs to go.
He’s a risk to your job, he’s not help at home, he’s not supportive, and he’s actually detrimental. Don’t let your emotions get in the way.
 
@lightspeed2slow Your kids will never be your partner's responsibility, and he has every right to be hands off. He's not their parent, and he's not the person you created these human lives with. That being said, why are you jeopardizing your children's safety by keeping an alcoholic around? Your choice should be obvious here.
 
@lightspeed2slow What is his character like? I mean, what is he really like underneath it all?

Do you feel like you could trust him alone with your kids for a few hours or a day? Because in a relationship that might be necessary every now and again. (Please, do not "test" him with something like that. Do not use your kids to test him.)

Your kids are important. Their safety, their welfare, their development are all crucial things to consider.

When he entered into a relationship with you, your kids are a part of your life that you can't separate from, so he entered into their lives through you.

From what you wrote about him, I don't think he's the right guy for you.

...

Alcoholism is a very difficult thing to deal with. If he truly means to quit, then he needs to get into a support program like AA, but it's got to be his idea.

If he really wants to be in a long-term relationship with you, then he will have to develop some sort of relationship with your kids, or else you will always be pulled back and forth... And that's not fair to any of you, not him, not you, and especially not your kids.

.....

I was married for 20 years. My wife had a daughter who was 7 when we got married. (Her daughter's birth father was barely involved...he didn't want to be a parent, and it showed.) - I wasn't just her step-dad, I stepped up as her dad. I raised her as my own.

I had three more kids with my wife, and I love all four of them the same... even the one who's not my biological child, but very much the child of my heart.

After the divorce, my ex is with someone else. I had my doubts about him, because he also was a drinker and was upfront with her that he wasn't comfortable around kids, but he made the effort for her.

To be honest, I still love my ex (though she did hurt me pretty bad, because she cheated with the guy before divorcing me). I thought her new man wasn't going to be able to handle giving up his drinking and dealing with the kids. But I've got to admit that he has really changed in those two ways. He did give up drinking (at least the days the kids are there...I don't know about on the weekends when they're with me). Plus, he has developed a relationship with my kids.

I hate to admit it, but he's got good father potential. (He hasn't tried to push me out of the picture. Somehow, he and I have found some respect for each other.)

I wanted to hate him, but I found that he's actually a good man (well, mostly... he still was involved in an affair with my ex). I was hoping he would turn out to be a jerk, but that wasn't the case.

Not just any man can step up and put himself in check, to put the needs of the children who are not his own before his own wants and needs. Guys who can are harder to find... sometimes much harder.

.....

One more note, and this is just my own thoughts on the matter, but I think it's best to take some time to get to know yourself again after a divorce. I think it's not a good time to quickly get involved with someone else.

My advice is to work on yourself for at least six months before getting into another relationship. There's often some healing and finding your balance that's needed, so that when you do start seeing people you can be more sure of what you want in a relationship.
 
@cunningw This was my favorite advice! You are the first for me to respond and let you know that I left him today and chose my mental health and my babies.

He does have good character. He is a war hero and a solid parent to two adult kids himself and is dependable when he is feeling emotionally secure and doesn’t drink.

But I’m not ready and is either is he. Thank you and great job stepping up as your step daughter’s dad. I was raised by my step dad too.
 
@lightspeed2slow You’re dating an irresponsible man-child with addiction issues… after surviving a divorce and being a successful single mother of two kids. AND successful in a male dominated industry. Why would you do this to yourself? Sounds like self sabotage to me, and “love” isn’t worth it to put up with this kind of behavior from a full grown man.

Ditch the boyfriend, he’s not worth it, people with drinking issues don’t get better overnight. Addiction is a life long problem that needs continuous management.

Why do you feel like you “need” him? Only someone who believes they “need” someone would keep this guy around in your situation.
 
@lightspeed2slow 100% single parent with an addicted ex here. You’ve jumped into a new relationship too quickly, and settled for someone who doesn’t meet your expectations. It’s not asking too much that a new partner is willing to share parental responsibilities with you, you and your kids are a package deal. And speaking from experience of loving an addict, they won’t change unless they want to. I’d walk away now while it’s still early days and save yourself years of disappointment down the road. Stay single for a while and really knuckle down on your non-negotiables for a future parter.
 
@lightspeed2slow I think you are still dating as if you don't have little kids dependent on you. This boyfriend has no business living with you. The red flags are enough to make you reconsider your entire relationship.
 
@lightspeed2slow You had me at “he has a drinking problem.”

Why would you want that for your life? You are trying to fix a stranger. Or you are expecting a stranger to stop drinking. Honestly, your boyfriend should probably be dating someone who drinks as much as he does. How are you attracted to this person?

OP, this person is not your future life partner. There are so many other people out there who probably don't drink as much as your boyfriend does. Find them!

I’m a single mother, and I will be dammed if some guy lives with me and makes my daughter's life miserable because he doesn't have his ish together.
 
@lightspeed2slow I look at dating as a single parent this way...it's all for me. I give myself to the kids, and all that, and it's my choice and it's fine. But dating is for me.

If the person I'm dating is not bringing more joy, or whatever it is I want, into my life, then they are a waste of my limited time. It sounds like your boyfriend is just draining you, so to me that's a big red flag.
 
@lightspeed2slow Well , in 8 months itself he's shown his red flags and you intend to spend a lifetime with him , being around your kids as a role model? Are You sure ?

Did he offer to co parent your kids If he dates you or are You adding it on in the package?

Being from the same military background I'd assume you both have been mentally conditioned for the tough ride and by now are set in your ways

Are You willing to let go of your reigns or expecting him to step up from his comfort zone ?

Give it a few months to see if he or you can adjust in an amicable manner

Else You Know What You Have to Do Ms.
 
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