refuses to use Parent app

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fizzywig

New member
Any suggestions on how to make the other parent use the parenting app so I can limit the childish conversations about pickup and schedules etc. (I.e. Are you slow or just stupid, i said i well drop her clothes off when i fell like it?, why can't you drop her off? My girlfriend is taking me out to spoil her man on Friday so I can't get her until Saturday) We have a court agreement that was never followed and he refuses to use. I suggested the app but he told me to F off. I'm not willing to pay a lawyer more money to try to get him to use it when he's told me he wont. I just really don't want to be belittled, verbally manipulated etc when trying to coordinate visits. I've gotten much better at gray rock but at 12 years in, I'm just tired. Maybe i just need some encouragement for the next 6 years

Edit: thanks for all the feedback. Very supportive, realistic and firm. Takeaways for anyone in similar situations 1. Establish and hold your boundaries 2. Check your laws and update any plans sans lawyers if possible 3. Don't try to force them to do anything, just simply exercise your right to communicate and/or not communicate the way that serves you 4. Good old gray rock!
 
@fizzywig If you currently both have the app, then I would just put all your communication on there. So, for example, if he texts you, then respond within the app. I get not wanting to go back to court for it, but the only other way is by getting it ordered.
 
@klw1957 I asked him and his parents to use it a long time ago. Ignored. I talked to a lawyer that was upfront and said they could get a court order but I had a court order for visitation, drug testing, etc and he never did any of it. I guess I'm trying to figure out how well the piece of paper force him to use an app?
 
@fizzywig You shouldn't have to hire an attorney for this, tbh. I know this sub is very quick to say you NEED your attorney to do things, but this in particular is an issue that should be pretty easy to get added to the order.

Look up your state/county's custody modification process. In my county, all you have to do is fill out a form and you'll get a mediation date. A mediator isn't going to deny the modification to use a parenting app, and then it will be on the books that he has to use it.

I mentioned to our hearing officer that my ex uses the app, but doesn't have his notifications on so it can be difficult to get urgent info communicated since we've blocked each other's numbers for necessary reasons. She just looked at him and said "well, that's his issue, isn't it? If you use the app, it's up to you to use it."

So basically, get it in the order so it can be enforced, then block his ass. Nothing he can do about it if it's in the order.
 
@dollapy Well personally I went through mediation and it's in there to use it... She insisted on using a different one I didn't want to use but eventually agreed to it then said that app doesn't work on her old phone.

We have it in writing as you said..it'd been mentioned to my lawyer and the mediator. Unfortunately I don't think there is really teeth to it even if it's in writing. What would enforcement even look like? I guess that's what I'd like to know. Anytime I've brought it up there has never really been any suggested corrective action, mostly just blank stares from a couple lawyers. Unfortunately simply blocking on other comms isn't really an option.. rely on each other fairly heavily still to make pickups and stuff work (she still doesn't work so I get them from her place when I'm done work)
 
@fizzywig Stop asking. Just stick to communicating solely in the app. Block him on your phone and NEVER give in to responding/communicating unless it's through the app. You have to stick to your boundaries. A piece of paper won't force him. With or without a court order(but especially with one), if he refuses to use it then he looks difficult, he is making problems, he is being unreasonable. And that my friend will always help you in court. I've had to be really firm in using OFW, and it's not court ordered with my ex. He will communicate with me on my phone when he doesn't want things on record because it makes him look bad. So I literally copy his text snd attach it within a message in the app. I'm done playing his games but it is a job in itself to stick to it. And honestly, when I've really stuck with and it, he's backed down alot.

After reading through some other comments, I do believe it's possible to file an amendment to your order without going to court. I'm just fairly certain your ex would have to sign it/agree prior. This has been my experience.Like I said, you could just be firm with your expectations. People like that hate boundaries, and if he wants something, he'll eventually do things your way. I would think that eventually you'll have to return to court and I'd ask the app to be ordered then.

Omg I just thought of this- he is actually paying for the app!!! How long has he been doing this? He could be a dick and stop paying for it. But again if you're like, " I'm not communicating with you unless it's on x platform, then I guess we won't be able to communicate".
 
@klw1957 Thank you. This is all so true! It's getting out of the mindset that just because i requested something that makes sense, doesn't mean he'll comply so i have to stick to my guns. He hasn't paid for the app. I just asked him to use it and he refuses. Then he tries to make plans with the kiddo and not inform me. Plans like taking her for spring break which is a week away and still no communication from him about it.
 
@fizzywig Literally no one wants to pay a lawyer for anything ever. Either tell him you will communicate with him over the app and block him on your phone and basically force him. Or get a lawyer. But what the first commenter said as well, and screen shot the existing texts you want/need documented and share them to the parenting app.
 
@fizzywig I'm sorry you're dealing with him. I went through a lot of the same things with my ex. I got sick of him calling and screaming profanities at me as well as the abuse over texts. I blocked him, told him he was blocked and if he wanted to communicate with me, he could do so through my husband--hoping if he had to filter it through him, my ex would tone it down. He just refused to acknowledge that boundary and still tried to text me. Now we are court ordered to use the parenting app (at my suggestion) and he did use it for a minute, but now he just communicates things to my daughter, to which I have told her if he needs to tell me something he can do so through the parenting app, she is not his messenger. He needs me to take her extra time, she tells me, I respond via the app and just crickets on his end.

Anyway, I'm sharing my story so you know you are not alone. As for advice, just keep being the adult. Continue to grey rock and refuse to engage. Answer him only in the app, and ignore anything that isn't necessary to respond to. Follow your parenting plan. Going back to court sucks, but if you can get an amended parenting plan it gives you power to ignore his shitty behavior. For example you can write in that he forfeits scheduled parenting time if he doesn't pick her up at his scheduled time. Communication is done only through the app and then you get to ignore any other forms of communication. You can put consequences in there. Or it ends up like my court case (that he initiated) where absolutely nothing got accomplished and we collectively could have paid for about half a college degree for her, even though we were supposed to at least walk out of there with a new parenting plan.

Dealing with an ex like that is exhausting. I graduated one child and I have 4 more years on what I refer to as my prison sentence. Then I never have to talk to him again on purpose. Best of luck, sometimes we just have to power through it and wonder "why me?"
 
@frepet Thank you so much. I felt your support through this post. Gray rock has been a life saver. It's so much more peaceful for me, I wish I would have known about it from day one. I too count down birthdays as one less year that I have to engage with him. Best of luck to you!
 
@fizzywig My ex refused to renew his account last year so he no longer gets anything he would if he had the app. Period. He gets no doctor information, report cards, psych reports. Nothing. I communicate necessary information with a 3rd party. That’s all.

If he wanted the information he would pay for the app and get it. That’s what he was told to do and he doesn’t.

If you continue communicating on his terms then why would he bother to use the app?
 
@heavensvoice So forcing the app is doing the same as he is. Each of you wants to communicate a certain way.

I compromised and said email only so nobody had to pay for anything.
 
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