@acuriousgirl OK so coregulation in the moment.
First of all, keep everyone safe, so if I need to protect other people/resources from damage then I would remove the child to another area.
Triggering oxytocin > Think anything you'd do to provide physical comfort.
NB, some of these may feel inherently rewarding and so you may wish to reserve them for certain situations. For me personally, it's important to me NOT to present these things as conditional or rewards, but I probably do naturally adjust what I offer based on how I'm feeling and what the situation is.
- Hugging, patting, stroking
- Making soothing sounds, maybe singing or ssshing
- Maybe a familiar song that is associated with comfort
- Rocking or swaying
- Wrapping in a blanket
- Nursing (though more relevant for younger toddlers!)
Getting my own arousal level lower is a process I have worked on. (nervous system not sexual, just in case anyone was confused)
- ADHD meds help (I have diagnosed ADHD. May be relevant for other conditions e.g. anxiety, perimenopause.)
- Deep breaths help a lot.
- Taking time to physically notice the sensations inside my body that I commonly experience when my child's arousal level is raised. For me, this feels like there are "fizzy" bubbles like carbonation rising in my body. My heart rate will also raise and my head can start to feel pressure or full almost like the "foam" is building up there. This is subjective. Some signs of arousal are biological such as heart rate, respiration rate, hands will feel colder. But mostly this exercise it just about being able to recognise for me what arousal feels like because ADHD gives me poor awareness over my internal body sensations. Knowing what it feels like helps me recognise when it occurs and also helps me recognise the feeling of it going back to a calmer baseline and levelling back out, so I can try out different techniques.
- Grounding techniques like for panic attacks - looking for different items in the room using my senses.
- Mantras or affirmations to remind me of useful things such as "this is not an emergency" or "download calm".
I am now at a stage where if I need to, I can go to another room to self-regulate and come back and stay in a more regulated state, whereas previously I used to try going away to self-regulate, had no idea what that meant but would return when I felt calmer, be faced with my child's state of arousal and instantly shoot back up again to the higher arousal state, and didn't understand why this happened to me.
Reframing what is happening with my child and/or what my role is in that also helps. I used to read a lot of advice about how (the parent) needs to be confident/in control (of themselves not necessarily controlling the child)/calm/positive and feel frustrated because the same advice never really explained what to do if you're not or how to get there. From what I've learnt now, I think this is simply because there is no one magic answer, and different things will work for different people.
Some things which have helped me though are:
- Having a specific response to go to - this is where something like time out or another generic/unrelated consequence can be helpful, because it is predictable and decided on in advance, rather than me reacting in the moment. However, I've also found Janet Lansbury's responses, How To Talk, and the Conscious Discipline stuff helpful here - the response doesn't need to be a punishment but it's OK if it is.
- Understanding that it's not my job to make my child agree with or feel happy about the boundary that I set.
- Understanding I don't have to "fix" them being upset and they are capable of calming down on their own and that it can take time, and that is OK.
- Reframing as my child is not giving me a hard time, they are struggling.
- Imagining myself as a kind of "calm rock" for my child to cling onto and flail at.
- Imagining my child as a scared, aggressive wild animal and I'm trying to communicate that I'm not a threat.
- Understanding boundaries as something I do/control, not a request I make of my child that they have to comply with.
- Checking the time. Time feels very slow when in a higher arousal state, so it feels like they have been screaming for 20 minutes when it's probably only 2 minutes.
- Understanding that when they are aroused they aren't in a good place to reason/learn/understand, so not engaging with them trying to justify or argue.
Then, the "fake it" things which sort of mimic me being in a lower arousal state but are conscious things I can do with my body language - most of these I got from Conscious Discipline, some from Self-Reg. The great thing is a lot of these will actually help me get into a lower arousal state too.
- Get low, down to their level or lower
- Be physically close, within touching distance. Maybe add physical touch e.g. a hand on their arm/back.
- Lower my shoulders
- Relax the muscles of my face (Self-Reg calls this "Soft eyes")
- Be in front of them and take very obvious, clear deep breaths rather than telling them to breathe - they will often mimic you automatically.
- Make my voice quiet, soft in tone, gentle, lower, speak slowly.
- Avoid making demands, defending myself verbally, engaging with arguments, explaining why they are wrong. All I do verbally is reflect back or repeat a phrase like "We can go back in when you are feeling calmer, we need to keep everyone safe." or sometimes make observations (conscious discipline again).
We have tried talking about things she can do when she is angry afterwards ,when she is calm, but she never picks the alternative in the moment
That's normal because you're just talking about things and not actually practising them in the environment, so once she's in a higher arousal state she's not using the section of her brain where she stores that information, she's using the section of the brain where she stores more visceral/emotional memories (limbic system). I am unsure if you're referring to tools that she can use to self-regulate such as breathing exercises, counting, grounding exercises, drinking water, stomping, wall pushes etc. For these it helps to work them into your daily routine in fun ways when she's
not escalated - that's why shows like Daniel Tiger incorporate songs like “When you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four.” Or games like blowing out candles on an imaginary birthday cake or blowing up a pretend balloon - Conscious Discipline has some like this. Making them familiar and positive means that she'll lodge them into that more emotional centre of her brain and be able to access them even when she's escalated. For a grounding technique, one which we use recently is looking for 4 orange things / 3 blue things /2 yellow things (I just make up random colours) - this helps a lot and even my 2yo joins in.
If you mean more things like how to handle the situation which escalated and exploded into the big feelings in the first place, she may just need to be calmer and need a bit longer to connect before you discuss it. I got better at recognising this with practice, but if she's not receptive to discussing it, she probably needs more time. If she is very happy to discuss it, but then doesn't use it the next time, the best thing to do is for you to be proactive with that plan and scaffold it for her, because she is only little and she will likely have forgotten totally about that conversation by the next time. So just to use a random example - if the episode started because she wanted something in a store and you said no, keep it in mind or even write it down somewhere so you'll remember, and before you next go to a store, make a plan. Maybe even specifically plan to go to a store so you can try out the new plan. Let her know on that day, we are going to the store today, what's our plan? Remind her of your expectation/set her expectation - we are only going to buy X, or we are not going to buy toys. You want her to walk close to you and use an inside voice. Remind her again of your expectation right before you go in. Also, consider setting her up for success e.g. don't even walk down the toy aisle, or go to a store which has fewer toys to practice and establish those "store behaviours". You can also make a back up plan for if she really, really wants something and is struggling - for example, take a picture of the item or write it on a list and save that list for her birthday or Christmas wish list, for ideas to send to family etc.
Setting the expectation in advance helps her remember what you want her to do, and crucially, it helps you recognise when she DOES behave well (because often we are distracted and only react when they behave poorly). This gives you the chance to really big that up and praise her and recognise that she has done well in the store. You can also praise her during the trip and point out what she is doing well, not only afterwards.
Just quickly the place that I got the most practical tips for this was Conscious Discipline by Becky A Bailey. It's very cheesy and "infomercial" like but it's very, very good.