Pregnant with twins and devastated

[nitrolisis]

@coolguy123 Check my post history and you’ll see that I felt exactly the same way when I found out about our twins. I was devastated and considered selective reduction. Long story short my pregnancy was fine, harder toward the end. We didn’t need a c section and the girls came home with us after a couple of days.

Genuinely it’s not the crisis I thought it was going to be. My career is still going somehow and yes we are going to be battered with childcare costs but we will take the 3 year hit and then enjoy the disposable income of no nursery fees!

The girls are 9 months old and I’m so glad they’re here. although there have been a handful of days where I’ve felt overwhelmed largely it’s not that much worse than one. If you already have a kid you’re 75% of the way there. I think it’s easier to have twins post first baby than to be a first time parent to twins. I don’t know how that maths works.

You’ll be okay but also it’s your body and you can choose not to continue with your pregnancy and that’s also okay.

 

[lovetopray]

@coolguy123 Hi OP, this post resonated with me so much. I had a miscarriage in 2019, and the weeks leading up to it I was convinced I was carrying twins. It was a bad time as I had just switched jobs, I wouldn't have qualified for the full maternity pay in my country, I was panicked about childcare and everything else that came with it. Then boom, miscarriage.

Six months later, get pregnant again in time for covid to hit and it's twins! Looks like I couldn't escape that fate. Absolutely a lot of it is hard AF. I didn't want a c section, ended up having one and it was fine. The childcare is crippling, some parents give up work and that's fine. I chose to stay on and consider it an investment in my long term career and pension, even if I wasn't seeing any short term benefits other than getting a break from the kids. My eldest was 2.5 when we had the girls and they've grown up the best of buddies.

Any baby you have is a gamble when it comes to colic, sleep etc. My eldest was a worse sleeper than the twins combined, so he was kind of a good warm up.

Lastly, the loss of identity was really something I struggled with when I had my first. I hated being mum so much, I felt like I wasn't me any longer. But it does go, I promise! Being a mum of 3 won't define you. Mourn the pregnancy you wanted, but know that there are good experiences you will have alongside the difficulties xx

 

[seakingjesus]

@coolguy123 Hey there! I felt like you minus wishing something would happen but I cried when I found out I was having twins after our MC. It's gonna be OK!

We couldn't afford childcare but my husband and I worked opposite shifts. He worked days, I worked nights (part time) and we both got up at night. Maybe there will be a solution that works for you (he WFH or switches jobs). I won't lie, the first year is ROUGH, but it gets easier as they get older. We also had no village to help.

Despite all that, I love my boys and they keep me young. I'll be 40 this year but I don't feel like it. We have so much fun and they are the best. I'm back in Grad school and they are so cute telling me "mom you're doing such a good job on your homework too." We do our homework together. Being outnumbered isn't terrible, but structure is very important at least in our home to keep us from feeling overrun.

Edit: I had to be meds for my MS the entire pregnancy. It was awful. I slept a lot and subsisted on protein shakes. I only gained 2lbs my entire pregnancy.

 

[connie2777]

@coolguy123 I love many of the things other commenters have said. Just one thing to supplement.

One thing that makes multiples (even singletons) scary and demanding is that our whole culture doesn't help us to be 'open to the unbidden', as one philosopher puts it. "I didn't ask for this!" is something we feel deep in our hearts today, especially when we have a career, stability, and much else on the lines. We have all been more or less trained by our culture to reject or withdraw from what we have not chosen--the unbidden.

But I often think about what would happen if suddenly I were in the position where my dependence was something 'unbidden' and scary for someone else. What if an accident means I can only get by in a wheelchair or I need someone to bathe me? I know I would feel like a burden (that's the other side of the coin for our culture's lack of openness to unbidden), but some deep down part of me would long for a companion or a spouse or anyone whose openness to what they didn't ask for didn't mean that they were fearless or perfectly willing or resigned, but that they at least saw some occasion for love and solidarity, even in the face of things they didn't ask for. And when I think about this, it makes me want to be that kind of person. I wish I knew more how to practice being that kind of person.

I don't pretend like this dimension of things solves all your problems. Your honesty keeps such cheap answers at bay.

 

[thruve]

@coolguy123 I'm 27w pregnant but thought I would chime in because a lot of this resonated. I have endo, celiac, and crohn's. We struggled to conceive for 6 years and even though I did IVF, I only transferred one embryo. We have one spontaneous baby and one IVF baby (di/di b/g twins). I oscillate between being thrilled because I wouldn't do IVF again, to hating pregnancy, to worrying about what this means for my career because I am a person who actually loves what they do - and a pause from my work feels like it's going to stunt me at the worst possible time. I also am technically a contractor because my employer reneged on their agreement I signed prior to pregnancy, so I have the stress of no mat leave which isn't common in my country (Canada), and I am the sole breadwinner. It seemed okay when we thought it was one, but with two and the very real possibility I'll be returning to work before they're even sleeping through the night.. I have concerns about how I'll manage.

Health wise: Pregnancy hasn't been easy, but I would say my body is truly doing it's best. I feel proud of it often because twin pregnancy is hard and once we got my crohn's under control and out of the first trimester things improved. I'm still able to workout or do something active every day. I prioritize rest, I made the decision to exclusively WFH and limit stress where ever I could. We don't have a big support system, but I'm figuring out systems for us to thrive and I think we can do it! I went into shared care with a midwife and OB and plan to deliver vaginally. I mourned not getting to do a home birth/birthing center and having a more 'medicalized' birth after a traumatic fertility experience and wanted to have a more empowering experience, but I am working on letting go and being flexible, because I think that will help in our journey anyways.

My point is I think your feelings are normal and valid, and I think it's also easier for our partners to accept it because they're not the ones experiencing the pregnancy and they are also not the ones where there is a higher likelihood of it impacting their careers. Wishing you all of the best!

 

[suitcase]

@coolguy123 This could've been me posting this when I got the twin news. I spiralled into a horrible depression and thought my life would be over. My husband was super excited.
I'm now 20wks and have accepted my fate, and actually am starting to look forward to it. I don't have any older kids though.
I strongly considered a reduction down to a single pregnancy, and honestly if I had gone that route I definitely don't think I would've regretted it.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad about how you're feeling, especially not yourself.

 

[kimsweverti23]

@coolguy123 I just wanted to say I cried and cried when I found out. I couldn't even go back to work that day.
All I could do was think of the negatives.
I agree with the posts that are recommending therapy. I really wish I had spoken to someone, in retrospect, I wish I hadn't spent the pregnancy worrying. I also stuck my head in the sand when perhaps I should have been a bit more proactive, regarding the birth etc. I couldn't decide on names, this was a very big regret of mine. It was all so overwhelming and lonely. Everyone else is happy and excited, but it's you who has to really go through it. My biggest worry was the guilt for my eldest, and I wish I had reached out for help with that.

 

[kimmy]

@coolguy123 Thank you everyone for the responses! I also found out I'm having twins a week ago and feeling very similar to OP (including 2.5 year old at home) - I feel very validated and appreciative to have this community

 

[civilengineer]

@coolguy123 I think it’s worth talking to someone - maybe a therapist. Talk through your concerns and options, you owe it to yourself and any future children. If you feel you don’t want them that may not change when they arrive or may pop up when things are hard. It’s really worth it to have a very honest discussion about how you feel and your concerns.
Wish you all the best and don’t be hard on yourself, it’s super normal to feel this way and have these concerns.

 

[servantthomas]

@coolguy123 Everyone here has given great advice for before and after birth. I’d just like to add, if you end up becoming a a stay at home parent, it may change your perspective in a positive way. I was looking to go back to work after my first when I found out we were having twins. Completely turned our world around. But it was meant to be because one of my twins has developmental delays and my first was diagnosed with autism. The attention I’ve been able to give them, I can’t imagine trying to do it all while working. Now, I’m so grateful I was able to do it. They are making great progress and we’re only 18 months in. The long days and short months have all been worth it. You got this!

 

[adamadam]

@coolguy123 Totally understand where you are coming from. I was absolutely terrified and at times I am still in absolute disbelief. They are 7 months old and it still hasn’t fully sank in.

Your concerns and feelings are valid. Childcare is obscene and women in the workplace having to put their career on pause is not ideal nor fair. Like I get that the corporate ladder must be climbed via experience and networking but it’s overwhelming and unfair when you are forced to choose because of costs. Weigh your options. Making a physical list helps me.

It is definitely overwhelming at times but honestly after the first 4 months it gets infinitely easier. I think twins also gain a more patient and easier demeanor in part because they HAVE to share and the HAVE to wait. I am pleasantly surprised at how chill they are. They have no chill at food time because they are both emergency eaters but putting them to bed or a nap is the easiest thing ever. They have had to wait so as long as they aren’t hungry they just get comfy and put themselves down.

Don’t keep your feelings bottled up, it’s safe to share here and a lot of us can relate. Hang in there whatever you decide is your business and you are allowed to feel the way you feel.

 

[mwoolstrum]

@coolguy123 28 weeks with di/di twins here. I felt the same. I went through fertility treatments (IUI) and never expected twins. It was a shock and I began to mourn the thought of having time to spend one on one with a child, and then have another when I was ready. We also had financially planned for 1, but 2 we didn’t expect and weren’t really ready for. It was a lot to process.

I was also sick from 6 weeks to 18 weeks (please get Zofran it is a life saver) and lost 12 lbs in the first trimester. It was the roughest part so far. I cried to my husband on days when I couldn’t even keep a popsicle down or I threw up in my car on the way to work that this was the hardest thing I had ever done. And it is, don’t get me wrong. But starting around week 20 I felt so much better. I do have to limit my activity but I’m still pretty active. The babies started moving and I felt more connected to them and we picked out names and decorated the nursery and all of that made me feel so much better.

I found this community pretty early and was terrified at first, but if you stick around long enough you’ll see the happy things. I encourage you to search this sub for good things about twins, there are several threads which made me feel so much better. Hang in there, I promise you it gets better!

 

[kepha23]

@coolguy123 Ask around your area for a doc that’s comfortable delivering multiples vaginally if it’s important to you! My vaginal delivery was a piece of cake.

Also I have a 3.5 year old and 10 week old twins! These two are way better sleepers than the toddler ever was. You can do this! It’s different than the first time around, but this time I’m better prepared. My inbox is open if you want to chat!

 

[daystar123]

@coolguy123 Honestly had similar feels. It turned out to be the most rewarding challenge of my life to “figure it out.” Kicking and screaming. But I did it lol. Still doing it. I’m a better human bc of it and so will you be!

 

[igivemylife2jesus]

@coolguy123 You're currently sick and awash in hormones. That sucks and I'm sorry. I'm going to give you the long view. The first several months with twins is hard. But our twins are now in middle school and having twins is GREAT. You effectively have the same logistics that you have with one kid, but with two distinct and wonderful personalities. Also, they play with each other...and if they're reluctant to do so, you can gently but firmly tell them that you provided them with a same-age playmate, so you'll be off doing other things with no guilt! No one judges you for sleep-training twins because singleton parents are amazed you're surviving in the first place and multiples parents are mostly disinclined to judge because parental smugness tends to get obliterated when you have multiple kids at once who are INCREDIBLY different even though they're getting the same parenting. Etc. You will thrive with your twins.

For now -- stop feeling guilty! You're not abusing any actual children. You're freaking out at an idea that seems really really scary. You're not resenting any actual children who are in front of you needing your love and care. Be honest with yourself. Go through the steps of anger/bargaining/etc. until you can get to acceptance. As long as you get to acceptance by the time there are two babies actually in front of you, you're good. I wish you luck.

 

[johnyorlandofl534]

@coolguy123 All I can say is it gets better. We were having marital issues when we got unexpectedly pregnant with #2&3 and I felt like my world was falling apart. The whole pregnancy I felt guilty bc I didn’t want to be pregnant.

Now we’re 10 weeks post partum and it’s been much better than I expected. The time will pass. You will get better with time. You’ll come to terms and your body will recover. TAKE YOUR VITAMINS if you can’t eat your calories drink them, take your Iron, calcium, and vitamin D. Do as much as you can physically for as long as you can, see a PT and Chiro as often as practical and take a deep breath. Hire a night nurse or have help on hand for weeks 1-6/8 if you can. Get a twin carrier, take as much leave as you can (you and partner).

We’re in the same boat for childcare and I’ll be giving my entire paycheck to make it work, but like another comment said, it’s only for a short while. I love these little buggars so much and they’re so fun/ interesting already.

You can do this

 

[mrsgerragauch]

@coolguy123 Speaking from experience. I was pregnant with twins and had a 3 yr old at home.

I had a lot of the same fears. But it will be OK. It took my husband and I as a team to put my oldest to sleep. I had all the same fears of managing 3 kids under 4.

If you don't want to keep the babies it's your choice. But if fear is the only issue, it can work out. There are tips and tricks, and your second baby is easier than your first because you are experienced. We learned how to put 2 babies to sleep at the same time.

Your kids may not be the same, in fact they will be wildly different, but you have grown since.

I can't speak for all twins. But mine sleep and handle new situations better because they are not alone. They still fuss and cry, but they sleep together in the crib without needing constant reassurance and back pats from me because they have one another.

 

[blues4now]

@coolguy123 Alright, first of all. Depending on where you live... there ARE options and you don't need to go through with this. Speak with your partner on this and let them know your feelings.

Secondly. It is so very very okay to have these feelings. It's absolutely understandable.

Thirdly. People chirp about their rants far more than their raves.

My first kids were my twins. Unexpected. I didn't have the feelings you have, but I was shocked and yes definitely shared some concerns you had. My body rocked that pregnancy. Not a single stretch mark, worked until third trimester, vaginal birth as I'd hoped - early but not crazy preemie early. Honestly, my second pregnancy (which was a singleton) sucked way more by the end. We have no idea how your body will react, but not every one is terrible. Another thing. Yes, there will be some surviving - but you will THRIVE before you know it. I was doing well enough to be trying for another by the time my twins were like 18 months or 2 years or so. Also, my twins slept. Every kid is different. You will see a hella lot of complaints on here because it's the internet, we come to get shit off our chest. It's not all bad, hell, there is a lot of good. IT'S OKAY TO FEEL THE WAY YOU DO THOUGH.

 

[jesus_lover_man]

@coolguy123 I got pregnant with my twins spontaneously as well, and my older son was just shy of three when they were born. It was the perfect age gap. I also almost died in childbirth with my singleton and knew I was having a c section with the twins. I spent the last month of my pregnancy in the hospital with preeclampsia and they were born at 34w3d. Trust me when I say this - you can do it. Not to get all religious, but if you believe in God then trust me when I say He doesn’t give you more than you can handle. You think you can’t do it now and your 2.5 yo is your world and how can you ever love anything as much as you love your oldest, right? You came even comprehend it. You can. One look at those two faces and you’ll realize how much your heart expands.

Don’t be scared. You’ll be good.

 

[manofgod7]

@coolguy123 Just chiming in that I have three too. The oldest is, wonderful, and autistic - so challenging sometimes. My modi twins are 4 now and it's hard, but amazing. Twins are so, so special. Harder in a lot ways. Easier in others... but special. Tonight twin B was in timeout for slapping his brother. The victim was so upset that his brother was sad in timeout and wanted his brother to come back! Didn't care about the slap, just wanted his best friend back. They climb into each other's beds. Laugh and laugh with each other. It's very cool.