Pregnant with twins and devastated

[cedric48]

@coolguy123 You describe the worst case scenario. Allow yourself to imagine a good outcome too. Natural birth to happy, healthy twins. That sleep well.
Both outcomes are unlikely but try not to dwell on the worst possible outcome.

 

[chestertonleddihn]

@coolguy123 It's overwhelming, but please if you still think the same way in a few months, get some counseling. I grew up knowing that my mom wanted a single boy as a brother for my older brother and got twin girls instead and it sucked. She always favored him.

 

[nativenewyorker1980]

@coolguy123 Twins are hard but so, so special. My heart bursts every time I watch them hold hands and walk into preschool, and when they tell each other I love you unprompted and run for a hug from their twin. It's like the level of special of a close sibling relationship but magnified.

I see how independent and loving my oldest (27 months when they were born) has become as she's become a big sister. She'll cover them with a blanket if one climbs up next to her on the couch, she always wanted to get them their pacis or stuffie or whatever she thought could help them when they cried.

I had a completely uneventful pregnancy and induced vaginal delivery at 38 weeks. That isn't everyone's experience but what you don't hear is people whose stories are uneventful. Twins doesn't mean destroying your body and mind, it just means you have a new normal.

You'll be shocked at what all you can do with 3. People always say "how do you do it!?" As if we all had a choice. The answer is "you just do."

My life is richer because of the twins. The first two years were the hardest in part because we had 3 2 and under at first and that was during Covid lockdowns so no help or ability to go anywhere...but now at 5 and 3? Their bond is so beautiful, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

[thecoldneverbotheredme]

@coolguy123 There are a lot of encouraging responses in this thread if you are wanting to keep your pregnancy. Whatever you decide to do, your feelings and your decisions are valid, and I am sorry you are in pain and despair. Is there a judgment-free therapist you would feel comfortable talking with?

 

[batmanspiderman]

@coolguy123 You will be fine. With exception of the cost of childcare, everything you have wrote are issues that can come up during ANY pregnancy. 1-100 pregnancies make it work, you won't be any different. You need to change your mindset,you have already seen the worst of pregnancy.

I quit my job to work in the afternoons when I had my first child, My wife works mornings so we don't have to do child care. My twins are over 2, and you barely remember the bad times when they are babies. Sure it's tough, but it was tough when I had a single as well.

My wife has 0 issues during twin pregnancy, carried to 37.5 weeks, our single she ended up having to worry about preeclampsia, thyroid issues, and retaining huge amounts of water.

 

[jconelea]

@coolguy123 I felt the exact same way for a while. I did IVF and transferred one embryo because I absolutely did not want twins. It took me months to even come to terms with the fact I was having twins.

I think the first 3 months after they were born was the survival stage. It got a lot easier after that.

My pregnancy was not horrendous. I had a very easy pregnancy with no complications. Sure, my back hurt and the heart burn sucked balls, but overall it was just fine. I actually really enjoyed being pregnant and had very little to complain about the entire way through. My birth and recovery was also smooth sailing.

While I felt awful about having twins and definitely contemplated selective reduction for a few weeks I look at my 7yo girls now and cannot imagine who they would be or who I would be without them both. It’s not always easy, but there will be a moment that everything just clicks and having twins becomes enjoyable instead of dreadful. It may not happen while you’re pregnant, it may not happen right after they’re born, but it will happen eventually.

What you are feeling is absolutely normal and common.

 

[andrewlikescars]

@coolguy123 Most of us felt the same it’s extremely overwhelming and feels like an impossible situation. I remember thoughts popping up of losing one or both of them the day I found out it was twins. At first it was with almost hope, but then a shift happened and I couldn’t imagine losing one of them. They’re my entire world now. I can hardly stand how much I love them and how I wouldn’t change a thing. It’ll be very tough but you’ll come out so much stronger because of it and your family will be all the better. Your toddler will be the best big sibling and love them to pieces, I’m sure of it. Schedules and routine are the way of twins world and it can be wonderful x2 with twice the smiles and laughs and watching them grow together. Also a built in best friend! You’ll get through this, I promise you. Stay strong!

 

[rfhthepoet]

@coolguy123 First off congratulations with two beating hearts. It's incredible that it's even possible!

It was pretty overwhelming for us as well when we found out we were expecting twins, my fionce was screaming it out loud on the subway! She had such a trouble start with her first son, so she was very reluctant to even get another child, imagine how she felt when she heard it was two.

But here they are, two incredible cute girls at 8 months old and everything is well. Her oldest is now 8.5, and really loves being a big brother.

The pregnancy was fine in my eyes, ofc she became a bit heavy, and it was exhausting for her, but she weren't complaining much. In fact just two weeks before they were born she was on a trampoline. haha.

The birth itself was long process, from the labors started until they came out it took 62 hours. This was with two lung maturing shots as well. And they came out naturally. They were 1.9kg and 2kg, and the smallest needed some startgas as she couldn't breath on her own. Once they got life into her she had to sleep with a cpap for the next 12 hours.

They came 7 weeks early, (naturally) and we had to stay in the NICU for 9 days before we left home with home-hospital. This involved us giving them food with syringes and a feeding tube at home.

But hey, they were completely fine and healthy. Nothing is wrong with them, no excema, ear problems or colic.

It was much work, we had to give them food every 2.5 hours all around the clock. But trough good teamwork me made it. And we had so much joy by helping them. They were the sweetest little princesses.

To sum this up, we haven't been surviving, we're living the time of our life. Of course we had to adapt, and yes we haven't watched TV for months at all. But we're doing other things together, and to top it all our intimate life has never been better. We adapted there as well, but the frequency and intensity is back to when we first met. So if we're exhausted now we're blaming it on ourself. haha.

We also haven't had any help from family, not financially or with doing chores or babysitting. We're incredibly proud to have done this by ourself. One tip is to frequently visit sites like craigslist etc, and by used. We've even made money on some of the stuff after we're done with it.

Don't forget all the respect and awe you'll get everywhere you go with the twins, it's truly something else!

My best advice is to just forget about the your own life, adapt to the new one. Make the best out of everything you can. Sleep in turns, take care of each other. Shower each other with love, back rubs (when time allows) and learn to be effective. (We sleep in different rooms when i'm working, but i'm standby if shit hits the fan during the nights..

Make lists, lists for everything. You need the mental capacity for things you care about. Have 10 minutes of spare time? Check your list on things you like to do, arrange them by how much time they take and prioritize. This saves you deadtime with thinking over it.

Perhaps one more thing is synchronize those little time stealers, they need to eat, sleep, cuddle at the same time. This gives you some room to do other stuff when they're asleep.

Also talk about how you're feeling, check in with each other each day. Always try to have one of you with more energy than the other, think of it as a relay race. You can't win if your both is exhausted. Also have systems for everything.

Get a robot vacuum if you can (we bought ours used) and it's the greatest help ever.

And hey, please reach out if you need some help.

 

[timothythe2nd]

@coolguy123 If you’re feeling this way, is going forward with the pregnancy the right thing? I love my twin 4yos but life has been HARD and that’s without a third kid. Sure there are great parts and I love my kids. I’m not sure I would have gone down the path (IF) I did knowing what I know now

 

[shnn18]

@coolguy123 I can across your post as I find myself in the same position.
About to turn 40 planned pregnancy for 1 ans last night had a dating scan to discuss twins. I am beside myself today

How have you gone in thr 3 months since this post? Everything you said is what is going through my mind right now.

 

[coolguy123]

@shnn18 Hiya, ah I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way - I remember how horrendous it was! I’m now 23 weeks pregnant with the twins and it’s up and down! I do have GD which made me a bit miserable but it’s mild. I feel a LOT better physically if a bit large vs gestation but it just means people assume I’m a little further on. I’m currently working towards the pregnancy and birth I want with the support of my team and doula (home birth with some flexibility if needed of course).

Sometimes I do feel down or frightened and I have a good cry to someone. I’ve really advocated for myself at work who have been great and supported me in taking any time I need. I’m lucky to have a wonderfully supportive partner and we’re taking it a day at a time. The 12 week scan helped as did the 20 and I’m feeling all the kicks now. I often look at my toddler and remember how afraid I was with him and how worth it he was and I feel better. Honestly I also feel happy in the knowledge I will never be pregnant again! I think all pregnancies are tough emotionally but physically we’re all doing very well and so I’m focusing on keeping my mental health as good as it can be.

Honestly the best advice I got on this post was to come off this board and I did. I stopped reading posts on here, stopped with all the twin groups that were just making me miserable. I spoke to a friend who has twins herself and then focused on how I felt rather than kind of sucking in everyone else’s fears if that make sense at all? I tend to be a sponge for this stuff! I don’t know if that helps at all? Sending lots of love and support and happy to chat any time xx

 

[shouldawouldacoulda]

@coolguy123 your feeling are valid. sometimes i still regret having my twins to be honest. some days the feelings flood back and some days i am happy to have them. i wont lie i prayed and prayed every single day for the first 20 weeks that my body would let go of one baby.. do not hate yourself for the way youre feeling, talk to your dr and discuss what you can both do to help your mental. it’s completely overwhelming to find out its twins when you only wanted one baby. and all of what your scared of is understandable.

 

[orchardllc]

@coolguy123 Just here to echo that your feelings are completely valid. I was shocked but excited about my twins, but they are my first and I think I would have felt much more overwhelmed if I already had a toddler at home.

My mom has AS, and so I understand how that can factor into your feelings about this pregnancy and your health.

Although C-sections and “premature sick babies” are more common with multiples, they’re not guaranteed. I had a vaginal delivery. And while my girls were premature, they weren’t sick in any way, they just needed a little more time to develop and learn how to eat. NICU is tough emotionally but I tired to focus on the positive of being able to recover from childbirth quietly at home.

Take some time to work through these feelings, find a therapist if needed, and just be mindful that this sub can skew negative (as tired and overwhelmed parents are venting). If you search this sub for positive stories you’ll find some good threads.

 

[rageofangels]

@coolguy123 Please don't take this the wrong way, but I strongly feel that you need to find a therapist to help you through this.

It was really hard to read your post and I can only imagine how it feels to be you at this time.

Please find professional help as soon as you can, and confide in your partner. Tell them everything you just said on here. They should be aware of what it is you are going through.

I hope it gets easier for you.

 

[nathanastle]

@coolguy123 I was the exact same way in my first trimester, absolutely miserable with sickness, the babies weren’t planned, they’re our first and we are younger than we wanted to be and less financially secure too. I couldn’t see a way of raising our twins and being happy and I was terrified of the pregnancy, I have PCOS and a high BMI and was convinced I’d have GD, hypertension and all the rest. I’ve not had our babies yet, I’m 33 weeks, but I sought mental health help for antenatal depression in my first trimester, I’ve not experienced anything near as miserable as my first trimester for the rest of my pregnancy, I have no health conditions at all other than my asthma (controlled like yours) got slightly worse and we were able to manage that with a medication change. My girls are a good size and totally healthy, and we were able to make some changes and shuffle things around in our lives financially to make sure we’re able to cope, these have meant some sacrifices and the thought of them when I was 8 weeks pregnant made me sob hysterically, but now at 33 weeks I’m just happy and grateful that we’ve had such a healthy pregnancy and are really genuinely looking forward to the arrival of our girls. You’re not a bad person for feeling like this, most twins are unplanned and it’s a huge adjustment of expectations, financially, mentally, emotionally and everything else. I didn’t bond with my girls until about 24 weeks and just felt like they were these aliens living in my body making my life difficult. I didn’t believe anyone that told me I’d love them when they arrived and I felt angry, bitter and completely alone in my feelings.
I completely understand how you feel and how you feel that you won’t change your mind about this, but I am proof that you can and you will and no matter how not ideal your situation and how ill equipped you feel right now for twins, you will get used to the idea and you’ll start to feel happy and grateful to have them. Other twin parents will tell you how wonderful the experience is and seeing the bond etc and I believe them now, but from my experience of feeling this way through the start of my pregnancy, it’s really not the horror show you’re imagining. Do talk to your midwife about how you’re feeling and ask for prenatal mental health support, it’s so invaluable and antenatal depression is not talked about enough, your hormones are all over the place, and you’re dealing with probably one of the biggest shocks of your life.
Right now at 33 weeks I am uncomfortable, sure, I get lower back pain and I need to pee in the night, but I can do my usual activities, I’m not in severe pain, my blood pressure is good, I feel a lot more balanced mentally, and I’m really looking forward to meeting my twins. I’m aware that my birth might not be the magical experience that some others get to have, but a C Section is not a given, I’m personally not planning on having one as my Twin 1 is head down, and we have an induction planned for 38 weeks.
I’ve proved myself wrong about a lot of the negative thoughts I had in that early pregnancy, sickness, miserable haze, and I have full confidence that you will too, so hang in there and please reach out for help

 

[1dookie]

@coolguy123 Hello!

Fellow twin mama here! I want to say that all your thoughts are valid, when I found out I was pregnant with my last babies, I had 14-year-old, twin girls, and a three-year-old little boy. I was hoping to have one more baby but there were other plans in store for me as we found out it was twins.

Everything that you are feeling and thinking, I felt the same exact way, and to say the least, it was very stressful when they were born, especially while trying to take care of a three going on four-year-old. But I kept telling myself this, too, shall pass, and it will get a little bit easier.

And it did. The babies are now 18 months old, and while it’s not very easy, it’s easier than when they were newborns and waking up constantly in the middle of the night. At least now they nap and they go down for bed and sleep through the night.

All you can do is just take one day at a time, and if you have a support system definitely lean on them. My mom stayed with me the first four months I don’t know how I would’ve did it without her and my husband and us constantly rotating , sending you positive vibes and hoping and praying for a healthy pregnancy and healthy babies for you!

Hugs mama

 

[pinkdragon]

@coolguy123 Hi! FTM here, 12 weeks with twins. I am utterly terrified, but I hope this atleast makes you feel better. Once I hit my 11th week I almost immediately started feeling better. I went from feeling miserable, feeling sick all the time, tired all the time all of it. But it got better for me, and I hope it does for you too!

 

[faithinmet]

@pinkdragon What does FTM mean? I see it all the time on third thread

 

[bellavida143]

@faithinmet It means "first time mom". I thought it meant full time mom like a stay at home mom when I first started social media-ing.

 

[faithinmet]

@bellavida143 Ah I should have guessed. Thank you!