Pregnant with twins and devastated

[coolguy123]

I thought I was having a very much wanted second baby after a miscarriage last year. I have a 2.5 year old who is my world. We went for a reassurance scan at 7+4 which showed two fetal poles with heartbeats measuring 9.2mm and 9.8mm and 7+0 days. Two separate sacs and yolk sacs. I’m completely devastated and I keep praying this isn’t happening and I hate myself because of it. I went from full of joy to hoping that I’ll miscarry one or both and I hate myself for feeling like this. I feel like my life is over. My partner is over the moon and whilst he wouldn’t have planned twins he very much wants the babies. I can’t shake this feeling that I can’t breathe. That I’m trapped. That raising twins with a 3 yo will destroy my body and destroy my mental health. My beautiful toddler didn’t sleep for the first 2 years and it was tough. I had possible GD in my first pregnancy and I’m terrified of what this pregnancy will do to my body. I have Ankylosing Spondylitis which is quite mild but can have flares (type of arthritis and I also have well controlled asthma) I desperate don’t want to have premature sick babies. I desperately don’t want a C-Section. I don’t want to be sick and ill the whole time. 2 weeks ago I was strength training and cross fitting 3 x a week and now I’m currently bed bound with nausea and vomiting and have been unable to keep any food down for 2 days.

I see images of not being able to afford childcare. Of having to leave the career I worked so hard for because of it. I see images of sobbing surrounded by screaming children that outnumber us and wishing I’d never had them. I see never been able to just pop to the shop because there is 3 of them and 1 of me. Never being able to take my eldest to the park easily.

All I’ve heard is how even the ‘easy’ pregnancies were horrendous. That the first few years are all about survival. I don’t want to survive. I want to thrive. I finally felt like we were in a good place and ready for another child and this has devastated me. I’ve known for a week now and I still feel that we were supposed to be 4 and not 5. It really hurts and I feel so guilty.

 

[erickonasis]

@coolguy123 I randomly found this post by sorting by new posts this morning - something I never do.

My wife and I had twins when our oldest turned two, and right before Covid. It was a surprise to us to and overwhelming. But it’s not as bad as you might think. Heck we just had kid number four last year.

Let the doctor deal with any health concerns that are out of your control.

If you can afford childcare for one, two is doable. Not necessarily affordable but it’s a short term problem. Kids grow out of daycare age. Your oldest is about old enough for a 3K program if that’s offered in your area.

Three against two can be overwhelming but you develop structure and routines. And now you have raised one baby already, you’ll be better prepared for #2 and #3.

Shopping is still doable too - and a good opportunity to get out of the house. I’d say the worst thing you can do is stay “stuck” and isolated at home. We got in the habit of taking someone different each trip.

My wife and I both still work. We share responsibilities. And we do it the best we can.

 

[keykeeper]

@erickonasis This suggestions are all very encouraging. I feel the exact same way as OP — sad, since I found out in November and I still can’t shake these sentiments, especially on days when my toddler is being particularly difficult or I’m feeling especially exhausted and overwhelmed. Like how on earth will I do it with three instead of one?! And I had only ever envisioned 2. But thank you for these level-headed comments to help.

 

[nativenewyorker1980]

@keykeeper I was always on the 2 camp but my husband wanted 3. We joke that god saved me from that discussion

My oldest was a WAY harder baby than either twin. Like I think both of them equals one of her. I think some of that is that they learned early on that they had to wait for things and take turns, versus my oldest who I was with 24:7. We luckily didn't have any health issues other than slow weight gain with the twins as newborns so they were pretty chill. Part of it is also that it's not all new to you! You'll trust yourself more than you did as a first time parent and that decreased my stress and anxiety a lot. It was a whole different experience being a second time parent.

 

[bijoux]

@coolguy123 First of all.

Please don't feel bad for your thoughts and emotions.

I unexpectedly found myself pregnant, and then at my first scan I found out I was 15 weeks with twins. I already had 1 who had just turned 12 and they have additional needs.

My partner seemed happy while I cried on the bed at the news.

I had all of your thoughts. How is my body going to be able to cope? How was I going to cope with working and 2 babies? How will I be able to help with my eldests needs as well as 2 babies. How will they cope with the change in the house?

And well they are now almost 4. I have another one that is also autistic. I made the choice to not go back to work until they started nursery because my partners wage is more than enough. But now however due to the complex needs for one of the twins I have now decided to stay home for longer. Which isn't ideal I enjoy working and routine. But it's a necessity.

You don't have to have a c section. Both of mine were born vaginally. My pregnancy in general was fine apart from walking issues at around 20 weeks. You will be monitored closely and be taken care of.

I know you won't believe me right now, but I wouldn't change them for the world. I remember after having them a family member who has twins said to me they cried for a very long time saying "but I just wanted 1 baby" and their dad said to them "ok. But which one?" And she obviously couldn't choose. And I think of that myself when I'm overwhelmed and wishing I had had them separately. But had I had them separately, I likely wouldn't have had one of them at all.

Mention your mental health to your doctor or a health care professional. They can help and guide you through this.

I promise you, you aren't the only mum out there to think that the worst is happening to you right now. And also it doesn't last. Things will work out. Just do what is best for you and your family. And try not to listen to others out there with just 1 baby or 2 that are close in age. They think they get it but they don't. Just like we don't get what it's like to have 2 born within a year.

 

[peterpalms]

@coolguy123 I think these thoughts are extremely common. My girls were a very much wanted pregnancy- went through over a year of infertility treatment and IVF to get here. I went to a dark place when I found out both embryos stuck (like, I literally did this to myself. Self sabotage style). It’s ok to feel all of these emotions now and don’t feel guilty for it one bit. Honestly, it’s probably better that you set your expectations low so you can be pleasantly surprised when they’re here! I’m only 18 weeks pregnant but it gets SO much better mentally. Im also far from the hard part of pregnancy, but so far it hasn’t been terrible, and I have di/di like you which are some of the lower risk type of twins.

Here’s the thing about twins: this group is awesome. Stay and learn! But also remember it’s a safe space for people to vent- you might see some dark and scary experiences, so make sure you seek out posts about the good experiences, too.

The frequency bias of twins is phenomenal, too. Now that you’re pregnant with twins, you’ll start seeing them everywhere. People you’d never suspect are going to tell you “my sisters are twins!” Or you’ll find out your coworker has adult twins. Point being, having twins is a very survivable thing. My husband and I keep telling ourselves, “we’re not the first two idiots to have twins” and that somehow makes it all a little bit more palatable.

anyways, fellow internet stranger, just want to give you a big hug and let you know it’s all going to work itself out.

 

[virtualhope]

@peterpalms I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant with twins. Prior to getting pregnant with them I thought my mom was the only twin I knew. Once I started telling people, it seems like everyone is either a twin or has twins! And honestly every time someone tells me a story about how they got through, or even enjoyed having twins, I feel a little better. We have two older kids, 5 and 8- so the thought of four kids is daunting at times.

 

[rosaryson]

@coolguy123 You’re in the worst part of it, mentally, right now. When you’re as sick as you are, nothing seems like it will ever be okay. And remember that in online groups like these, you are not only seeing some of the most difficult experiences represented, but you’re also seeing the worst moments of generally good (or tolerable) experiences. Because most of us come to these groups when we’re having difficult times, not when we are having great days with only a couple of tantrums thrown in.

If I can offer my experience: I had an older kid (4), I also have a chronic illness that flares and that I worry about. Some of the things that you are worrying about may happen, and they are real concerns. But right now, in your head, they are the only possible outcomes, and you are also imagining the worst possible outcome. For example, I just came off a weekend on my own with all three (the babies are now 1), and I was surprised by how well it went. I’m tired, sure; but we had a good time together. Now, the last time I was on my own for a weekend, I was less okay. But it’s getting easier as they get older, and also I’m getting better at all of it.

A lot of things are hard, sometimes very hard, but it’s not only hard. And most of all, you’re not a bad person for feeling overwhelmed. You’re not. It doesn’t feel like we are “allowed” to say it, but ambivalence is part of parenting — at least, for me, it is. You can be grateful to be pregnant and also be sad that this wasn’t the pregnancy you wanted. Those feelings don’t negate each other, they exist alongside each other. And you are allowed to mourn the life that you had imagined, don’t tell yourself that you’re not.

 

[tomw2016]

@rosaryson I just want to say as a very new lurker who found out I was having twins a few days ago at my 7w dating scan and scared to death, I really appreciate you taking the time to say this. It makes me feel a little less dread about our surprise double rainbow.

 

[kimmy]

@tomw2016 Same

 

[pazuzil]

@coolguy123 Please remember that most people don’t talk about the good stuff. My twins were my first babies, I was terrified. I do not have family nearby to help out. I didn’t know I was pregnant for 8 weeks and I was wondering why I was feeling sick on a 12 mile run. I quickly became unable to do cardio (might have happened with a singleton) but I loved the second trimester. Third trimester was tough but I think it always is. I was also considered high risk due to the growth discrepancy between my babies. So yes, it was hard work for but not the worst time of my life.

My babies were early, had a stay in special care and transitional care and it was stressful. However, we’re 4 months in now and both babies are sleeping through the night and they don’t wake each other up when they cry. We didn’t sleep train because my husband and I have no idea what we’re doing! They’re pretty chilled out in the day too and love sitting in their bouncers and playing in the baby gym. So although I definitely needed help in the early days (my mum stayed for 3 weeks), I am absolutely able to do this on my own whilst my husband is at work provided I set realistic expectations on what I can achieve each day.

It’s true you will probably not be able to do as much with twins as you did with 1 baby. Getting out for a walk is a big deal and a win. Going to one baby class a week is outstanding.

It’s been tough for me but in some ways I’m doing better than some of my friends with singletons - definitely getting more sleep anyway! We’ll see how I feel after a couple of sleep regressions!

My top tip is to be pragmatic, go with the flow, let the babies tell you what they need. I feed one on the breast and the other has formula as she just wasn’t getting on with breastfeeding and it was making us both miserable trying to force it. Plenty of people are able to breastfeed both though, we were just a bit bamboozled by her stay in the NICU.

Best of luck, maybe talk to someone about how you’re feeling and don’t forget that you’ve got crazy amounts of hormones going on right now that are probably ramping up the anxiety and contributing to you feeling overwhelmed. You have already raised one baby - you can totally do this! Plus you get two times the smiles and cuddles!

 

[enliven]

@coolguy123 This is a safe space. Your feelings are valid and welcome, and no matter how awful you think they are, they have been thought by the majority of parents here.

You're allowed to feel out of control. You're allowed to feel like you don't want this. You're allowed think that you hope it just goes away. You're allowed to worry about your health, their helath, your career, your marriage and your home.

So let it out. We're here for you.

 

[ratnaturelover]

@coolguy123 I wanted to give you a glimpse of what your life might look like in 5-6 years.

My daughter will be 7 next month & my twin boys turn 5 years old today. I was like you, I planned for a family of 4 and ended up with 5.

My twins will start Kindergarten in Sept and our childcare bill will ease a bit. Both my husband and I both still work and the twins went to daycare starting at 12 weeks.

I too was terrified. I was 38 when pregnant with the twins and also have asthma. We did fertility treatments to get pregnant and I also felt like ‘what have I done!’

I also didn’t want a C-section (but when it came down to it, the health of my babies was the most important to me).

I won’t lie, my mental health was doing ok until the pandemic. I was not ok for a bit in 2020-2021 but now I see a therapist every other week via zoom and that has helped immensely. But I think that was more about parenting in a pandemic than it was about the twins.

I would say I am both surviving and thriving! We go on hikes, we go to the grocery store, out to restaurants and on camping trips in the summer. You can do it! Just getting out of the house is at least 1/2 of the trip!

We are a close knit immediate family and I hope it stays that way.
I’m so proud of my boys, they are curious & kind and work hard at school. Sorry, I’m a little nostalgic my babies are 5 today.

 

[kim1438]

@coolguy123 I hated being pregnant especially with two when I didn’t want one. Lots of negative feelings from the start. Sick for months. Then it got high risk enough that I spent 6 weeks in the hospital. My whole third trimester I couldn’t leave blood taken every 3 days no privacy so relaxation. It was rough and I wasn’t me and I hated everything. No happiness. About halfway through my stay I started counting the days to leave and it got a tiny bit better. I knew I picked a great dr and came to trust her. Finally it was time. I had a vaginal 8 years ago so I know how it compared. The c section was so much easier and faster. Literally as soon as they were out of me I felt better. So much relief. And as soon as I saw them I finally felt love for them and anything negative faded quickly. Then I got to go home and heal in my bed with my pets and my family and focus on pumping while they stayed in the nicu and while it was stressful, honestly having that time home became invaluable. And since they’ve come home yeah it’s hard but I got lucky they’re both such easy babies. My daughter was not and I think she was as hard as they are together. They’ve mainly just been a lot of fun and they’re only 8 months. It’s different than one but in more good ways than bad. I adjusted quickly. I don’t know how well I’d be doing if either of them were hard babies. I like to think it’s because their pregnancy was so incredibly difficult they knew it and decided they were going to be awesome babies. And cute too man are they adorable, just two happy faces side by side.

 

[jackie789]

@coolguy123 Di/di boys here, 10 months old now. Just came to say even if it's just one baby, you may still have all these same worries and concerns... may still have a c-section, may have one baby who screams day and night. I have my twins and they're absolute angels. My pregnancy was wonderful (okay, after the first 2 months it was!), and caring for them is a thousand times easier than I expected. So ya never know what life will be like whether it's one or two. I know it seems horrible and impossible right now, but you're going to see how strong you are once they're here.

 

[peterjohn]

@coolguy123 This is such a valid and common experience! I felt really similarly. I was in shock and mainly in a bad way…I was overwhelmed thinking about how to fold two more children into our life with a 2.5 year old already. We had envisioned “family of 4” and never once considered we’d have twins. The thoughts were endless…do we need new cars to fit them all? How will work/childcare go?

I also struggled with hyperemesis gravidarum and was nauseous and vomitting entirety of my first pregnancy, and that followed me at an even higher level into the twin pregnancy. It was something I’d never wish on anyone!! Thankfully once people find out it’s twins they’re pretty accommodating.

A few things I didn’t consider when I was negatively spiraling is that:

1) Your first child will continue growing, meaning their needs will morph and change as they become more independent. You won’t be taking care of a 2.5 year old as your life is in this moment and two babies.

2) Twins does make things easier in the sense that they have someone with them all the time. Sleep training twins was easier than sleep training my daughter solo. You can leave them for bits of time together to play.

3) The big sibling is a huge entertainment factor for the twins! They love watching her sing/dance/play in front of them. Those are the moments where it feels magical being a family of 5!!

4) Hard does not mean bad all the time. Is it harder to get out of the house? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it. Radical acceptance of that helped me be more willing to do things and keep my life/interests going outside of motherhood.

You’ve got this! I also recommend seeing a therapist who can support you with all of these emotions! And make sure you find one who normalizes everything you’re feeling without shame. There are a lot of unspoken emotions related to pregnancy and motherhood, and you deserve someone to hold space for all of that!

 

[kimmy]

@peterjohn Thanks for this response. I also just found out I'm having twins a week ago and I think I've reached the radical acceptance phase after a lot of heart work.

 

[bham]

@coolguy123 Hi!

I gave birth to twin girls in December and had all of these thoughts and concerns myself. First time mom here so I had nothing to compare it to, but I had a VERY easy pregnancy - just had to deliver early at 34 weeks due to sudden preeclampsia. My girls are my world and although some days are harder than others, I couldn’t imagine my life without them. Having a big support system has been the biggest help for us. Close family nearby and friends. Accept all the help you can get - whether someone pops over to help with a feed or watches them while you get some things done. You got this!!

 

[confrontyourfaith]

@coolguy123 I just wanted to let you know that your thoughts and feelings are valid.

I did IVF, transferred two embryos, and was scared shitless when I found out I was having twins (transferred two because we had so many failed rounds that we thought it would increase our chances of one baby sticking)

Something important to add: you mainly hear the worst things on here. When I had good days or was in a good season with my babies, I didn’t come on reddit to talk about it. Often the negative posts can really scare you, but don’t compare your journey to others. My best friend had a twin pregnancy (her second) and it was completely uncomplicated. Gave birth vaginally and never had any NICU time.

I had a somewhat complicated pregnancy, but at the end of it all, I only had one baby in the NICU and it was for a short period of time.

I don’t know how, but you get through it. I raised my babies the first year all on my own and I don’t know where the strength comes from, but you can do things you never thought possible.

Take it day by day and make sure you are getting the support you need.

 

[wc0476]

@coolguy123 I’m going to give you some contradictory advice which is to: relish the good advice you’re getting in this thread on this forum and also GET OFF this forum and don’t look at it until you’re much farther along in your pregnancy.

Like many others here, I had the exact feelings you’re having when I found out about my twin pregnancy. I have a 2.5 year old and my twins are now almost 8 weeks old.

Some of your anxieties may come to fruition and others won’t. And difficult things will happen that you’re not currently anxious about because you can’t mentally conceive of them yet. And wonderful things will happen too!

I had tons of anxiety about a complicated pregnancy and sick babies. In the end my (modi) pregnancy was healthy with no major complications and my babies were born on their induction date at 36+2. They did spend a few days in the NICU but we had no health issues, just a need to grow and learn to feed. The NICU was an extremely positive experience.

As for my body, I had a rough recovery at first with a hemmorage and then a secondary hemmorage a few weeks later. But I had a vaginal birth for both twins, and now at almost 8 weeks pp I’m feeling great. My physio says my diastasis recti is smaller than you’d expect for a singleton pregnancy. And besides a boatload of stretch marks and some very saggy belly skin, there isn’t much difference between how my body is feeling now compared to my singleton pregnancy. I don’t feel at all that my body is ruined.

It helped me to remember that a lot of the things I was very anxious about would also be true for a singleton pregnancy: the newborn phase being hard, sleepless nights, my daughter adjusting to being a big sister. Other things like the financial strain are definitely worse with twins but it’s not forever.

So, finish reading this thread and then log off of twin forums for a while. It’ll be good in many ways, and it’ll be ok.