spaghettimonsterschef
New member
[Trigger warning: infertility, adoption, NICU stuff]
This is going to be a long one, so buckle up.
For my husband (34) and I (31), being one and done was not our original plan. In the beginning, we both wanted 2-3 kids. We both enjoyed pretty positive relationships with our own siblings and wanted the same for our children. My husband is the oldest of 5 brothers. He’s particularly close to one brother and has a generally good relationship with the others. I have one older brother. We get along well, but aren’t super close and don’t see one another as often as I’d like.
One and done wasn’t the plan. But then, neither was infertility.
We knew that I have some medical issues that might make conception harder, so we started trying to get pregnant about a year after we got married. Every month was an emotional rollercoaster for both of us, but for me in particular. After a little over a year of that, we started seeing doctors, but no one had answers for us. There were innumerable tests that were physically and emotionally painful for me. I had one surgery, but nothing came of it. The RE recommended we start moving toward treatments that were much more than we could afford financially or emotionally. Conception was starting to feel hopeless. I hated my own body for not being able to do what comes so easily for other women. We finally decided that it was more important for us to be parents than it was to get pregnant, and we both felt that adoption was the right choice for us. So, we moved on.
But adoption was hard.
It took about a year for us to get to the point where our home study was finished and our profile book could be presented to birth moms considering making an adoption plan. Over the course of another year, our profile book was viewed by 13 different birth moms. We would wait for days or weeks to hear back, and 12 times we heard we hadn’t been chosen, and it crushed us every time. The more times we were rejected, the more it hurt. We cried together, canceled plans with friends. Most of our friends had one or more babies by now, and it felt like we were being left behind.
Finally, 4 years after we started trying to conceive and the 13th time we presented our profile, we were chosen. We were chosen by an amazing woman who wanted to give her unborn son a better life than she felt she could provide for him. She’s an amazing person whom we love dearly.
Just 3 months later, we got a call that our little boy (Z) would be coming almost a month early. Birth mom was in pain and there were concerns that Z had become growth-restricted, so an emergency c-section was needed. So, the day before Thanksgiving, we dropped everything, packed in a panic, and flew across the country to meet our son and spend time with his birth mom. We had several days to get to know his birth mom before she was discharged from the hospital. I’m so thankful for that time we had with her. It built a foundation for a positive open adoption relationship with her that we still have today. It was heartbreaking to witness what she endured to give her son the life she wanted for him, even at a great cost to herself. It was an awe-inspiring, gut-wrenching thing to see up close.
On top of that emotional experience, our son was in the NICU struggling to breathe and eat on his own. There were times when his heart stopped beating or the oxygen saturation of his blood was too low. He was eating through a tube. He was ours and we were terrified we were going to lose him. We were stuck on the other side of the country with no friends or family nearby, worried about our child and concerned about how we would pay for everything.
We were lucky. After the first few days, things started getting better, and then he progressed quickly. Z was discharged after 13 days in the NICU (although they felt like 13 eternities) and we were able to safely bring him back to our home state a week after that.
Since then, Z has grown in healthy and happy 3-year-old. He never stops moving (or talking) and loves making friends with everyone. He’s as stubborn as the day is long sometimes but is also helpful, kind, and compassionate. He would be an awesome older brother.
And that’s what we thought we wanted. But that plan had to change.
On the outside, it probably seems like now should be the right time to grow our family. My husband and I are still relatively young. Our finances are good and we just moved to a bigger home with a beautiful, big yard. But we’ve realized that adding to our family again isn’t the right choice for us. We had a long conversation a few weeks ago and realized we are both happy with how our life the way it is right now. Neither of us can stomach the thought of jumping back into another adoption. It's as heartbreaking as it is beautiful. It can be joyful, but it’s also traumatic, even for the adoptive family. We aren’t able to put ourselves through that again, much less dragging Z along for the ride.
So, we’re one and done. It’s not what I ever would’ve planned or chosen on my own, but it’s the right thing for us and our son. I told my best friend last week and she was very supportive and encouraging. No one else knows yet, and I’m not sure how people will respond. I know my mom would love more grandchildren (Z is her only), and my in-laws often hint that they’d like more too (though they already have 4). I think (hope) they will be supportive.
Moreso, I worry about our friends. We go to a church where the average number of children is probably 4, and there are quite a few families with 6-8 children. The only other couples with a single child either have infants or are already pregnant with #2. Many other families in our church who’ve adopted have huge families (often a mix of bio and adopted kids). I’m worried they’ll think we’re selfish for wanting just one instead of doing another infant adoption or foster care because there are so many children who need safe, loving homes.
I’m not sure how we’ll communicate this choice to others or how it will be received, but I’m hopeful that our community of friends and family will support our decision.
If you got this far, thank you so much for reading! You're wonderful!
This is going to be a long one, so buckle up.
For my husband (34) and I (31), being one and done was not our original plan. In the beginning, we both wanted 2-3 kids. We both enjoyed pretty positive relationships with our own siblings and wanted the same for our children. My husband is the oldest of 5 brothers. He’s particularly close to one brother and has a generally good relationship with the others. I have one older brother. We get along well, but aren’t super close and don’t see one another as often as I’d like.
One and done wasn’t the plan. But then, neither was infertility.
We knew that I have some medical issues that might make conception harder, so we started trying to get pregnant about a year after we got married. Every month was an emotional rollercoaster for both of us, but for me in particular. After a little over a year of that, we started seeing doctors, but no one had answers for us. There were innumerable tests that were physically and emotionally painful for me. I had one surgery, but nothing came of it. The RE recommended we start moving toward treatments that were much more than we could afford financially or emotionally. Conception was starting to feel hopeless. I hated my own body for not being able to do what comes so easily for other women. We finally decided that it was more important for us to be parents than it was to get pregnant, and we both felt that adoption was the right choice for us. So, we moved on.
But adoption was hard.
It took about a year for us to get to the point where our home study was finished and our profile book could be presented to birth moms considering making an adoption plan. Over the course of another year, our profile book was viewed by 13 different birth moms. We would wait for days or weeks to hear back, and 12 times we heard we hadn’t been chosen, and it crushed us every time. The more times we were rejected, the more it hurt. We cried together, canceled plans with friends. Most of our friends had one or more babies by now, and it felt like we were being left behind.
Finally, 4 years after we started trying to conceive and the 13th time we presented our profile, we were chosen. We were chosen by an amazing woman who wanted to give her unborn son a better life than she felt she could provide for him. She’s an amazing person whom we love dearly.
Just 3 months later, we got a call that our little boy (Z) would be coming almost a month early. Birth mom was in pain and there were concerns that Z had become growth-restricted, so an emergency c-section was needed. So, the day before Thanksgiving, we dropped everything, packed in a panic, and flew across the country to meet our son and spend time with his birth mom. We had several days to get to know his birth mom before she was discharged from the hospital. I’m so thankful for that time we had with her. It built a foundation for a positive open adoption relationship with her that we still have today. It was heartbreaking to witness what she endured to give her son the life she wanted for him, even at a great cost to herself. It was an awe-inspiring, gut-wrenching thing to see up close.
On top of that emotional experience, our son was in the NICU struggling to breathe and eat on his own. There were times when his heart stopped beating or the oxygen saturation of his blood was too low. He was eating through a tube. He was ours and we were terrified we were going to lose him. We were stuck on the other side of the country with no friends or family nearby, worried about our child and concerned about how we would pay for everything.
We were lucky. After the first few days, things started getting better, and then he progressed quickly. Z was discharged after 13 days in the NICU (although they felt like 13 eternities) and we were able to safely bring him back to our home state a week after that.
Since then, Z has grown in healthy and happy 3-year-old. He never stops moving (or talking) and loves making friends with everyone. He’s as stubborn as the day is long sometimes but is also helpful, kind, and compassionate. He would be an awesome older brother.
And that’s what we thought we wanted. But that plan had to change.
On the outside, it probably seems like now should be the right time to grow our family. My husband and I are still relatively young. Our finances are good and we just moved to a bigger home with a beautiful, big yard. But we’ve realized that adding to our family again isn’t the right choice for us. We had a long conversation a few weeks ago and realized we are both happy with how our life the way it is right now. Neither of us can stomach the thought of jumping back into another adoption. It's as heartbreaking as it is beautiful. It can be joyful, but it’s also traumatic, even for the adoptive family. We aren’t able to put ourselves through that again, much less dragging Z along for the ride.
So, we’re one and done. It’s not what I ever would’ve planned or chosen on my own, but it’s the right thing for us and our son. I told my best friend last week and she was very supportive and encouraging. No one else knows yet, and I’m not sure how people will respond. I know my mom would love more grandchildren (Z is her only), and my in-laws often hint that they’d like more too (though they already have 4). I think (hope) they will be supportive.
Moreso, I worry about our friends. We go to a church where the average number of children is probably 4, and there are quite a few families with 6-8 children. The only other couples with a single child either have infants or are already pregnant with #2. Many other families in our church who’ve adopted have huge families (often a mix of bio and adopted kids). I’m worried they’ll think we’re selfish for wanting just one instead of doing another infant adoption or foster care because there are so many children who need safe, loving homes.
I’m not sure how we’ll communicate this choice to others or how it will be received, but I’m hopeful that our community of friends and family will support our decision. If you got this far, thank you so much for reading! You're wonderful!