I want my 17 year old daughter out of my house… I think

[lakatide]

I’m a single mother of 2 daughters, 14 and 17. Through tons of hard work, sacrifice, and grace, I was able to pull the three of us up from poverty into a reasonably comfortable life. We literally went from being homeless to being homeowners in a very good neighborhood with great schools and all of the opportunities a family could hope for in less than 2 school years. (And by homeless, I mean I gave up my apartment at the end of a lease and moved in with my mother to pursue a new career path… but believe me, it was as close to homeless as you can get without pitching a tent. Just trust me on that)

Their abusive absentee father was released from prison this past August after serving an 8 year sentence for beating and sexually assaulting his girlfriend. My 14 year old couldn’t care less and wants nothing to do with him but my 17 year old feels that she’s missing out by not having had him around.

That was just a little background info.

Despite being in a great neighborhood and all of that good stuff, my 17 somehow managed to find the worst possible people to call her friends.. which resulted in switching her to a different high school in her sophomore year, only for her to attach herself to an even worse crowd of kids who she skips school, smokes pot, and does god knows what else with.

Yesterday I took her cellphone after catching her smoking pot in her bedroom. When I went through her phone, I discovered that she has been sneaking her “boyfriend” into our home in the middle of the night and having sex while her sister and I are asleep. Upon discovering this, I went to Walmart at 6am and purchased a pregnancy test, and a box of industrial grade garbage bags and told her to pack up her shit… and take the pregnancy test (which luckily came back negative).

There are tons more layers to this story but those are the basic facts. I’ve tried sending her to therapy but she outright told me she’s not going to tell the therapist anything… she’s been posting trashy pictures on social media… etc. all the while putting on a meek and childlike act when in the presence of myself and her sister.

I dont know, I just feel like I’ve tried everything to help her and to give her a good life and her behavior and decision making is just getting worse. I’m very approachable and make myself available to talk about anything and everything. I love her dearly and would do whatever it takes to help her but I’m at my wits end and I’m afraid it’s going to get to the point where I don’t like her or want anything to do with her. I’ve got no family that I could call on to help offer support or even ship her off to if necessary… at this point I don’t feel comfortable with her in my home.

Sorry if I’m rambling. I’m so stressed by this, I wasn’t even able to sleep last night. I should probably just go to bed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[giamfreeg]

@lakatide I’m parent to a 16yo boy

Throwing your 17yo out to the streets and / or letting her depend on the wrong crowd, will lead you nowhere. Trust me on this - to use the phrase you have used

Get her birth control. Explain you are disappointed by her behavior (sneaking etc) but she’s close to becoming a grown up and her actions have consequences.

Explain her that you want her to become a happy and self sufficient member of society, achieve her goals and be successful on her own terms. Figure out together how to get there. Where does she see herself work-wise and what’s needed to get there ?

Do not drop the ball now. You have worked too hard to let your daughter fail

Also, her choices and bad decisions are not about you. They are about her and her future. Until you make it about yourself, you won’t get through to her

Enlist all the external support you can get to make progress. Ob gyn, social worker, school counselor. Not like « my daughter is a scumbag, can you help » but more like « my daughter has started her sex life, she needs contraception »; « my daughter is unsure about college options, can you explain what your college has to offer » etc

 

[sean94]

@giamfreeg This is good! I would say keep the birth control to something she does not have to take every day.

 

[missjo]

@sean94 I was going to advise the same. Take her to a GYN. Have her tested for STDs (maybe that would wake her up??) and have her get the injectable or implantable birth control. Also, buy her some boxes of condoms.

Ideally, you’ll want to do this ASAP. One, due to the sexual consequences, including but not limited to no abortions, but also due to her age. Once she becomes 18 years old, all bets are off.

As one single mom to another, I really know how difficult teenager daughters can be.

Please try not to push her out (unless you and your other daughter are endangered).

Maybe you can write her some caring notes (that only she knows about) and try to get her to trust you and confide in you. Set up some“symbol” texts of a couple of emojis where she can signal you to know if she’s okay, needs space, or needs help. My teen and I set up “green” “yellow, and “red” ones. It has really helped. It took time, but eventually, she would open up and talk to me (some).

While you may not have much back-up available to you, come back here for support. Know that you’re not alone in this.

Sending you lots of peace, {{hugs}}, and strength.

 

[michaelo]

@lakatide I am proud of you. You have worked so hard!

But your daughter still has had all that trauma, in addition to normal developmental teen hormones & selfishness. Teens experiment with drugs and have sex, even without having an absent, incarcerated father and living with financial insecurity for years — which studies show impacts their emotional and physical well-being life-long, even if you have managed to provide the life that you have now. With respect, you keep saying “I have tried…” but that horse is out of the barn, or in other words, it does not matter, she still suffered — you need to look at where she is now…and just grieve what you wanted, so you can accept what you have = a daughter who you love so much but is coping with teen years, parental abandonment, etc. through risk taking behavior, peer attachments with low expectations, and sexual attention of teen and likely adult males.

I personally do not think I would put my 17-year-old teen out of my house for these infractions, and my kids have been in a financially stable, 2-person home. I would prioritize birth control to assure she dies not get pregnant, finishes school, and develops a work ethic. Following that, the 3 things, you listed, I tackle would her online media presence, as I do think that has the potential of largest risk of repercussions, for future employment, if someone googles her. I would try to see if I could find any motivations in her life, even, OK, boyfriend can come over, with the stipulation, you come with me to therapy twice a week, and you avoid posting nudes or sexually provocative pics.

Good luck, I do think you might benefit from your own therapist as well, to allow you to process all of this! I am so sorry your family is going through it. It is so hard! hugs I hold 2024 brings a better time for both you and your daughter.

 

[lakatide]

@michaelo Thank you so much for your feedback. Yes the online presence part is HUGE. So much so, that it’s impacting her younger sister. They previously attended the same school so my younger daughter who is a straight A student and very involved in athletics and clubs is getting very bullied and ridiculed because of her older sister. We live in a very small well-to-do town, the high school and middle school are combined and have less than 1000 in total.. so there’s that.

I am in fact attending therapy myself to address my own trauma and have been consistently for a little over a year now. It definitely helps.

 

[ericlee]

@michaelo Calling any teenager "selfish" is a parental perspective, albeit an unhealthy one. "Selfish"? That's wild. You mean the underdeveloped child that you brought into this world and are committed to helping become an independent, successful human being?

 

[michaelo]

@ericlee Ehhh, it’s semantics, you can call it developmentally age-focused on self.

But whatever you call it — teens do often lack consideration for parents or others, (as this mom pointed out her daughter doing in this post), be it developmentally appropriate or not — that lack of consideration of others is the literally the definition of selfish.

Using appropriate vocabulary that accurately identifies the observed behavior AND helps parents realize that is healthy to me.

 

[mycousin25]

@lakatide Parenting teens is probably one of the hardest things in life to do!! I have a 16yr old son and I struggle daily with him!! Good luck

 

[danalovesjesus]

@lakatide I’d speak to her and explain you won’t throw her out of the house after all. Express your disappointment but tell her you love her. Throwing her out - It will just force her to spend time with her bad influence friends. Get her on some contraception. Reinforce no sleepovers by the boyfriend and no smoking weed at your house. Organise some 1:1 time with her where you don’t speak about anything causing tension.

 

[wealthyi]

@lakatide I’ve got four teenage girls 17,14,13 and 12 (and a 9 year old boy for good measure).
Honestly it’s the hardest job in the world.
I heard the other day that children of a single mum have the hardest time… not because of anything you do. Single mums are hero’s… but because of what the lack of a father does…
So honestly when she says she missed out with not having her father around… she’s right… but don’t take it personal… you weren’t responsible for that.. he was.
Now while I can understand why you wouldn’t want her around him… maybe it’s what she needs to snap her out of her terrible behaviour and to realise a few things?
No idea how you’d navigate that…
I’m so sorry you’re in this horrible position though… try not to be hard on yourself ox

 

[jocelynvenus]

@lakatide Telling your daughter to pack her shit in a garbage bag and take a pregnancy test is not "approachable." Give her condoms. But, overall, I'm sorry it's so difficult right now. Hang in there.

 

[alwaysenough]

@lakatide Parenting is the toughest job. You have done an amazing job getting yourself into a home in a good school district for your kids. Do not give up your daughter, she definitely needs you. Birth control is #1 like everyone else said. Does she work or volunteer? Would that be an option to keep her busy as well after school? I would still try and do counseling or is there a teen group in your community through church or a community center? At her age she is going to push her boundaries, push you away but set your expectations and consequences and stay consistent. Keep staying available to her. It's not easy but she needs you.

 

[mrisq]

@lakatide Her brain is t finished developing and she will view being kicked out as betrayal, rejection and abandonment. Which it is.

You need to get yourself and then later, her, into therapy together. You need to focus on self-regulation and your social emotional skills.

You are the adult. Manage your emotions when she can’t. Be a safe place for her to return to, not something she wants to run from.

Get her on birth control asap and talk with her frankly about safe sex and STIs.

 

[mksamas]

@lakatide I don't understand. She's not pregnant, and she hasn't harmed you or her sister. Why are you considering throwing her out. It's both illegal and immoral.

If you think she is hanging around with the wrong people, how do you think that throwing her out like garbage (literally packing her belongings into trash bags) is going to improve the situation?

Even if you have decided that you don't love her, and you are fine with her being homeless, what impact do you imagine this will have on your relationship with your younger daughter? Do you think she will ever trust you again?

You say you worked so hard to get here. Why are you wanting to destroy your older daughter's tenuous footing?

 

[lakatide]

@mksamas I don’t WANT to throw her out. I want her to start loving herself and dig down deep and have a vision for her life. I want her to know there are consequences.

 

[mksamas]

@lakatide Ok, but you can understand my confusion. Since the title of your post is, "I want my 17 year old daughter out of my house".

Throwing her out will not make her love herself.

Throwing her out will make her dig down in a certain sense, but not in the way you want.

Throwing her out will put her into a devastating financial situation. She will not have the time or the privilege to create a vision when she is worrying about where she will sleep and what she will eat.

She's 17. You've been raising her for all those years. Why doesn't she know there are consequences? Were there never consequences before?

Ultimately, what you're discussing isn't "consequences" it is "life devastating consequences". And, I would maybe be ready to understand that if she was destroying everything around her. If she was beating her younger sister, and selling your laptop, and pawning the family jewelry. But it doesn't sound like any of those things are happening. It sounds like she's mostly just a teenager.

 

[arthur57]

@lakatide Throwing her out will make her go down further.

 

[noeasyday121]

@lakatide My advice... Get her on some kind of contraceptives ASAP. Good luck.

 

[przemek]

@lakatide Don’t kick her out. We have to love our kids when they’re the most unlovable. Which is such a hard task.

In a way, her being nice to you and her sister’s face is a really good sign. She loves you enough to want to protect you from the darkness in her life.

My teen son isn’t doing anything bad, but he’s really nasty in how he talks and treats us. A lot of it is anxiety about growing up, but it hurts.

Love bomb her. Show her that your love for her is unconditional and you’ll always be there. Tell her that. At some point, she’ll see through this boyfriend. Right now, she feels unlovable and is seeking it in the wrong places.

This is so hard. I give my kids a more stable life than my parents gave me and it hurts when they don’t appreciate it. But I have to remember that them taking it for granted is also something I never got to do. That’s amazing.