@przemek I was this kid.. Lived in a small rich neighborhood too. I think my folks and I would have had a much better time if they had love bombed me. I was bipolar and didn’t know and I just didn’t know who to trust. From my perspective every time I opened up to them it just led to more restrictions on me so it was easier to look for love and safety in men.
I want my 17 year old daughter out of my house… I think
- Thread starter lakatide
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parksung17
New member
@lakatide Sounds like yall need a good cry together with lots of apologies. Are you vulnerable with your daughter? Have you explained that you're human and you've made mistakes that you'd like to fix? Or that your anger is really fear? I know it's hard to go from survival mode to vulnerability, but your child needs to see that. If she looks at you and ONLY sees strength, she will look at all her cracks and hate herself for it. You have trauma, you're terrified she's going to mess her life up, I can feel the love and pain you have, momma. Let her in and you'll both be better for it. I call my baby my burnt pancake and ask her how much butter she needs today 
she thinks it's "cringe af" but she smiles, and I get a hug. Sometimes wounds need reopened to properly heal. I do hope it gets better for your family, don't give up on her or you.
she thinks it's "cringe af" but she smiles, and I get a hug. Sometimes wounds need reopened to properly heal. I do hope it gets better for your family, don't give up on her or you.@lakatide And what's going to happen to her if you kick her out? Yeah, she's got a shitty attitude and that sucks, and hopefully just a phase she's going through.
But kicking her out, does she have a job? Does she have a means to support herself? Who is going to rent to a 17 year old?
Guess what happens when she gets older and she remembers that her mother threw her out at a vulnerable time. She will hate you, she will resent you and she will never speak to you again.
You need to set rules and boundaries, and enforce them, not kick her out.
But kicking her out, does she have a job? Does she have a means to support herself? Who is going to rent to a 17 year old?
Guess what happens when she gets older and she remembers that her mother threw her out at a vulnerable time. She will hate you, she will resent you and she will never speak to you again.
You need to set rules and boundaries, and enforce them, not kick her out.
rhythym0924
New member
pkendall83
New member
@lakatide Whatever you do don’t give up 
Set the boundaries (easier said than done). Frustration is inevitable with teenage girls. Better to lay the ground rules and keep that little unit of three ticking along. Will be a mile better than where she could end up without your support. Things always look different after a good night’s rest. Best to make these decisions when you aren’t emotional.
Again, easier said than done.
The boundaries may end up pushing her away, but as long as she knows your place is the safe place, where home and consistency and love and functional behaviour live, she’s always welcome
Best of luck
Set the boundaries (easier said than done). Frustration is inevitable with teenage girls. Better to lay the ground rules and keep that little unit of three ticking along. Will be a mile better than where she could end up without your support. Things always look different after a good night’s rest. Best to make these decisions when you aren’t emotional.
Again, easier said than done.
The boundaries may end up pushing her away, but as long as she knows your place is the safe place, where home and consistency and love and functional behaviour live, she’s always welcome
Best of luck
katrina2017
New member
@lakatide I am also ready for my teenager to move out, in theory. The first comments on here are golden. I would add to tell your teen when you reinforce the rules, that you love her and nothing can every change that. Tell her you want her to have a good life, drugs are very dangerous and to be extra careful where she gets them from kids are dying from drugs these days. I know it’s a thankless job but try to remember how cute she was as a baby.
totellthetruth
New member
@lakatide Do not throw her out. You are responsible for her. I get the frustration. But this is where you love her in her gross behavior. This is where you buy the birthcontrol and condoms and take her to get tested for all the STI’s and remind her that yearly checks for these things will be necessary for her health.
aspieinsearch
New member
@lakatide I’m pretty sure it’s considered child endangerment, to kick a minor out of your home. In some states it is, at least. Once you kick your 17yr old out of your home, what do you expect to happen next? I’m envisioning her turning up on your doorstep in a couple of years, with a grandchild in tow… and that’s pretty much the BEST case scenario! Please don’t do this to your child. You are her Mother, not her landlord, not her parole officer. As long as she isn’t putting you & your younger child in physical danger (if she is, please get her help immediately), you are responsible for her wellbeing, at least until she turns 18. My 17yr old has sex with his girlfriend, and has smoked pot on several occasions. These could never be “deal-breakers” to me. His behavior was a signal to me that perhaps I ought to step up my parenting a bit, to make certain he understands the risks & consequences of these behaviors. Tossing all his belongings into a trash bag & sending him on his merry way would never cross my mind. My kid, my responsibility. (I’ve been a single mom since my son was 13 months old. I understand how frustrating it can be. Perhaps your daughter is acting out in order to get your attention & is making a bumbling attempt to express this need to you?) Please don’t give up on your eldest child, over what are relatively mild infractions, in the grand scheme of things! Wishing you luck & strength along this journey.
horses4jesus
New member
@lakatide I went through something similar. I also pulled us out of poverty, I worked my ass off to do so. My daughter wanted her Dad in her life so bad after he ghosted us for several years that she basically spit in my face to go live with him.
He abused her (and her sister on another level, more verbal). And when I found out I took steps to clear her from being harmed further. Unfortunately, by the time it came to me, she was already in a rebellion phase. Smoking weed, skipping school, having sex.
I moved her with me to a whole other city, got her into therapy and did all I could. She turned completely obsessed with the boy she trauma bonded with. He was 3 years older and already graduated. He would pick her up from outside her school and she'd skip. She smoked in my house and I was pissed but handled it appropriately.
She kept her grades up for a while. And then she just fell behind trying to reconcile with her father, stopped therapy and said her "bf" is her therapist. She was too far gone. Once she turned 18, before graduating HS, she decided my home wasnt healthy and left to find greener grass. She did not find it, but she'd never admit that. She struggled for a year before she was able to actually come to terms with what she was doing, not to me but to herself. Some times, we have to hold on tight until we're forced to let go. She's starting to understand what I was trying to teach her. Hold on for as long as you can. It hurts so bad, but its worth it.
He abused her (and her sister on another level, more verbal). And when I found out I took steps to clear her from being harmed further. Unfortunately, by the time it came to me, she was already in a rebellion phase. Smoking weed, skipping school, having sex.
I moved her with me to a whole other city, got her into therapy and did all I could. She turned completely obsessed with the boy she trauma bonded with. He was 3 years older and already graduated. He would pick her up from outside her school and she'd skip. She smoked in my house and I was pissed but handled it appropriately.
She kept her grades up for a while. And then she just fell behind trying to reconcile with her father, stopped therapy and said her "bf" is her therapist. She was too far gone. Once she turned 18, before graduating HS, she decided my home wasnt healthy and left to find greener grass. She did not find it, but she'd never admit that. She struggled for a year before she was able to actually come to terms with what she was doing, not to me but to herself. Some times, we have to hold on tight until we're forced to let go. She's starting to understand what I was trying to teach her. Hold on for as long as you can. It hurts so bad, but its worth it.
justme12345678910
New member
pnevmavathis
New member
@lakatide I have a kid with similar
issues. We got her on contraceptives immediately. These kids are all hopped up on hormones and angst, make sure she can’t bring a baby into the mix. You aren’t a bad mom because she’s making bad choices, remind yourself of that. I was a “good” kid and still made a host of bad choices around boys.
She needs therapy, everyone does. She’s likely fighting some internal battles around self esteem.
I would get her a flip phone, it’s what we had to do with my teen for a while. I don’t know many adults who handle social media appropriately, I don’t know what makes us think that kids can. You’ve done an amazing job, you two will get through this.
You aren’t a bad mom because she’s gotten to this point, I can’t say that throwing her out would make you a good mom. She will likely end up in a hole she can’t get out of.
issues. We got her on contraceptives immediately. These kids are all hopped up on hormones and angst, make sure she can’t bring a baby into the mix. You aren’t a bad mom because she’s making bad choices, remind yourself of that. I was a “good” kid and still made a host of bad choices around boys.
She needs therapy, everyone does. She’s likely fighting some internal battles around self esteem.
I would get her a flip phone, it’s what we had to do with my teen for a while. I don’t know many adults who handle social media appropriately, I don’t know what makes us think that kids can. You’ve done an amazing job, you two will get through this.
You aren’t a bad mom because she’s gotten to this point, I can’t say that throwing her out would make you a good mom. She will likely end up in a hole she can’t get out of.
katrina2017
New member
@lakatide Just remember our kids are a mirror. Is this how you would like treated?
You have don’t well for yourself and I totally get this is a massive achievement as a single mum, but guess who has taken a hit for this.
Teenagers make mistakes, hell we all do. Your actions are not going to support her to make better choices.
Yes, I have 3 teens all who I get along with. They push boundaries as they are supported to as teens. Yes, my eldest daughter has been having sex since about 16 (I assume) 18 now, very responsible and heading off to Uni.
Build your relationship with her as an equal. Build your relationship with yourself.
You have don’t well for yourself and I totally get this is a massive achievement as a single mum, but guess who has taken a hit for this.
Teenagers make mistakes, hell we all do. Your actions are not going to support her to make better choices.
Yes, I have 3 teens all who I get along with. They push boundaries as they are supported to as teens. Yes, my eldest daughter has been having sex since about 16 (I assume) 18 now, very responsible and heading off to Uni.
Build your relationship with her as an equal. Build your relationship with yourself.
@lakatide She’s almost a legal adult. Shaming her for having sex is wrong imo. Her choices are hers. While it may not be a choice you would make for her, she’s her own person. Also, as someone else said, she did suffer from not having a father. There’s no way around it. And she still is. Her seeking validation from friends/boyfriends is probably related to that along with being a hormonal teen girl.
Honestly, your post comes off really self centered. Im sure you don’t mean it to be that way. Parenting teen girls is hard and quite heartbreaking. I’m in it with you. Just remember to take time to put yourself in her place.
Honestly, your post comes off really self centered. Im sure you don’t mean it to be that way. Parenting teen girls is hard and quite heartbreaking. I’m in it with you. Just remember to take time to put yourself in her place.
amandadelaforce
New member
@lakatide I can appreciate everything you’ve done as a single mom and I applaud you, it’s not easy.
You place a lot of emphasis on what you’ve given her but you’ve missed what she needs. She’s been abandoned and devastatingly let down by one parent, the last thing she needs is to be abandoned by you too. I see it suggested in the comments to express your disappointment, I don’t think that’s necessary, she already knows. I know this is hard to hear but I want to drive it home, your daughter hates herself and she feels unworthy of anyone’s love. I was her as a kid. A shitty dad will do that to you.
I suggest walking into her room and giving her an unexpected hug, then sit down, be human with her and discuss all of the things that have wounded her deeply. Acknowledge her pain including any pain you’ve inflicted. Whatever you do, don’t defend yourself, just hear her and apologize and reassure her that you’d never intentionally hurt her. Your daughter needs to be seen and heard without any of her flaws being pointed out.
Explain to her that she’s smoking weed, having sex and making poor choices to fill the void of her dad and mask the deep pain. Explain that she’s doing it because she’s not yet equipped with the tools she needs to fix it. These problems have always been way too big for her and it’s unfair for anyone to expect her to navigate through it alone.
Tell her you see her pain and self loathing. You know her heart and you’d like to make some changes to build trust and a new relationship together so you can work through this as a team. Then take turns discussing what each of you need from the other to build a better relationship. Keep the whole thing positive.
One of the best things I ever did was get real with my kids. I stepped out of my mom role and humbly approached them as another human being who understands pain, acknowledges my own terrible flaws and is willing to do whatever is necessary to build a trusting relationship so we can get through the hard things together. Exchanging (not comparing) stories of suffering has been helpful too because it’s relatable and sometimes eye opening to our kids.
Also, make it a point not to lecture or become angry when you’re talking. I like to treat it as more of a discussion where I mostly listen and it’s a new way to get to know my kid. I’ll throw in a fun memory or qualities that I admire about them and let them know that it’s one of the many reasons they’re loved.
It’s a matter of keeping the communication going and your own willingness to be open and honest. With some work and time you may be in a better place.
Also, you can point out that her actions have natural consequences that aren’t enforced by you which should scare her because you have no way to save her from it.
You place a lot of emphasis on what you’ve given her but you’ve missed what she needs. She’s been abandoned and devastatingly let down by one parent, the last thing she needs is to be abandoned by you too. I see it suggested in the comments to express your disappointment, I don’t think that’s necessary, she already knows. I know this is hard to hear but I want to drive it home, your daughter hates herself and she feels unworthy of anyone’s love. I was her as a kid. A shitty dad will do that to you.
I suggest walking into her room and giving her an unexpected hug, then sit down, be human with her and discuss all of the things that have wounded her deeply. Acknowledge her pain including any pain you’ve inflicted. Whatever you do, don’t defend yourself, just hear her and apologize and reassure her that you’d never intentionally hurt her. Your daughter needs to be seen and heard without any of her flaws being pointed out.
Explain to her that she’s smoking weed, having sex and making poor choices to fill the void of her dad and mask the deep pain. Explain that she’s doing it because she’s not yet equipped with the tools she needs to fix it. These problems have always been way too big for her and it’s unfair for anyone to expect her to navigate through it alone.
Tell her you see her pain and self loathing. You know her heart and you’d like to make some changes to build trust and a new relationship together so you can work through this as a team. Then take turns discussing what each of you need from the other to build a better relationship. Keep the whole thing positive.
One of the best things I ever did was get real with my kids. I stepped out of my mom role and humbly approached them as another human being who understands pain, acknowledges my own terrible flaws and is willing to do whatever is necessary to build a trusting relationship so we can get through the hard things together. Exchanging (not comparing) stories of suffering has been helpful too because it’s relatable and sometimes eye opening to our kids.
Also, make it a point not to lecture or become angry when you’re talking. I like to treat it as more of a discussion where I mostly listen and it’s a new way to get to know my kid. I’ll throw in a fun memory or qualities that I admire about them and let them know that it’s one of the many reasons they’re loved.
It’s a matter of keeping the communication going and your own willingness to be open and honest. With some work and time you may be in a better place.
Also, you can point out that her actions have natural consequences that aren’t enforced by you which should scare her because you have no way to save her from it.