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What chores can I give my 15 year old daughter that will take about an hour?
- Thread starter chang
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- parenting teens
@danny7995 My problem is not that she can't motivate herself to do chores. It's the fact that even if I tell her to do the chores, or I help her do the chores, they still do not get done. This isn't about her going off on her own and saying oh let me go clean my room, let me mop the floor, let me clean up this mess. This is about her following and adapting to our family structure where everyone pinches in and helps. Her ADHD and anxiety, as well as her personality results are not an excuse for her to get away with doing nothing. The real world doesn't work like that. Wouldn't it be great if we could all March into work and say I'm not doing shit because my personality says I have challenges with that.
@chang You said she has anxiety & ADHD. If her ADHD is unmedicated? of course she's gonna have problems. If you're harping on her about all this when her mind is scattered to begin with, you're making her anxiety worse. CHILL. Getting her proper treatment needs to be the priority right now & talk therapy isn't going to cut it on its own.
@danny7995 She is seeing a therapist for other issues. And her therapist takes more of a holistic approach, so it's not just all talk therapy. We are not going to do medication right now. We tried medication for anxiety in the past and neither of us like the way it made her act or feel. Yes, I understand my child has ADHD and anxiety, but that's not an excuse for her to be a slob.
@chang So I read a great article about chores and since we are new parents to a child who came from a hoarding/disgusting house- she has zero idea on how often chores need to be done to keep up with a house.
I am by far not a great example of a house keeper and struggle daily but even I have specific chores I force myself to do every day.
One thing I did was to print out a daily chore chart. Each day is assigned two chores.
If she does t finish the chores the day before because of homework or school activities - she has to add it to her current day chores. (Time management is hard!)
So...
First- a single chore she has to do daily - this is a chore that affects everyone in the house - holds her responsible to the rest of us-
She loads/unloads the dishwasher every day.
Second - one chore a week is to teach her that her actions will keep something alive
-she waters the plants
Third -twice a week is a self pride chore- teaching her to feel good about “her spaces”
We gave her the option of mowing grass or picking up dog poop- she chose poop
Laundry is to be brought down on fridays and all chores done by 8:30
Basiclly it’s two chores a day and honestly if she stays on top of them they take less than 15-20mins
She only gets “paid” for the poop duty $10 week
The rest a considered being part of a functioning active household. We all do our part and the excuse of “no one told me to do it” because we remind her no one tells us to go to work every day or to feed her every day- we do it because we love and respect each other and want a decent place for us all to live in
Does it always work? No
Do I get long winded complaints and whining and arguing.. of course
Are there days things don’t get done? Most definitely... but we do our best to get caught back up
I don’t expect perfection, but I expect effort.
Are there days she shoves everything in her closet - sure... do I have to remind her that you have to take all the makeup off the counter in your bathroom to clean the sink? Yes...
Once a month I try to enforce a deep clean
Bedroom - go through clothes in closet - donate clothes no longer worn or interested in,
Put away all clothes stuffed in closet
Clean off top of dresser
Wash all bedding (I gave up on new sheets once a week... it was a battle I just didn’t care about- she wants old sheets- whatever)
(Siri edit- will fix chaos wording later)
Also if the ADHD and has straight A’s in has anxiety it sounds like your kid already has a lot on their plate.
Keep in mind that 15 is a really stressful age in general. I have found as someone with ADD and having a child with ADHD it’s really important to have a very clear and concise list, eSpecially if I’m not around to enforce what I want them to do.
Five chores sounds like an awful lot for a kid who maintains an “A” average and I am imagine with that kind of functionality they’re involved in other extracurriculars as well.
I am by far not a great example of a house keeper and struggle daily but even I have specific chores I force myself to do every day.
One thing I did was to print out a daily chore chart. Each day is assigned two chores.
If she does t finish the chores the day before because of homework or school activities - she has to add it to her current day chores. (Time management is hard!)
So...
First- a single chore she has to do daily - this is a chore that affects everyone in the house - holds her responsible to the rest of us-
She loads/unloads the dishwasher every day.
Second - one chore a week is to teach her that her actions will keep something alive
-she waters the plants
Third -twice a week is a self pride chore- teaching her to feel good about “her spaces”
- one day clean bathroom
- one day clean bedroom including vacuuming
We gave her the option of mowing grass or picking up dog poop- she chose poop
Laundry is to be brought down on fridays and all chores done by 8:30
Basiclly it’s two chores a day and honestly if she stays on top of them they take less than 15-20mins
She only gets “paid” for the poop duty $10 week
The rest a considered being part of a functioning active household. We all do our part and the excuse of “no one told me to do it” because we remind her no one tells us to go to work every day or to feed her every day- we do it because we love and respect each other and want a decent place for us all to live in
Does it always work? No
Do I get long winded complaints and whining and arguing.. of course
Are there days things don’t get done? Most definitely... but we do our best to get caught back up
I don’t expect perfection, but I expect effort.
Are there days she shoves everything in her closet - sure... do I have to remind her that you have to take all the makeup off the counter in your bathroom to clean the sink? Yes...
Once a month I try to enforce a deep clean
Bedroom - go through clothes in closet - donate clothes no longer worn or interested in,
Put away all clothes stuffed in closet
Clean off top of dresser
Wash all bedding (I gave up on new sheets once a week... it was a battle I just didn’t care about- she wants old sheets- whatever)
(Siri edit- will fix chaos wording later)
Also if the ADHD and has straight A’s in has anxiety it sounds like your kid already has a lot on their plate.
Keep in mind that 15 is a really stressful age in general. I have found as someone with ADD and having a child with ADHD it’s really important to have a very clear and concise list, eSpecially if I’m not around to enforce what I want them to do.
Five chores sounds like an awful lot for a kid who maintains an “A” average and I am imagine with that kind of functionality they’re involved in other extracurriculars as well.
@anita5050 Thank you so much.
So, your child does 2 chores a day?
Dishwasher, and then chooses another one from what you wrote? For a total of 5? Sorry, just teying to understand, and if thats the case, That seems doable for me.
One issue with my daughter and the "clean spaces" chore is that she says she doesn't care. She blatantly gives me an attitude and says she doesn't care that she has to sleep on a corner of her bed, (I've given up, as long as she actually sleeps). or that her hamper is overflowing into the floor and she has no room to walk. This is what she SAYS, but I don't know if I believe her.
Example, just this morning, she made breakfast (for herself) and left ketchup and syrup out on the table, crumbs everywhere and a dirty plate in the sink. It would have taken her 2 minutes to clean it up. I know I have to choose my battles, and for the most part I do, but when I see I'm the only one putting effort it is frustrating and makes me want to snap.
Regarding the ADHD, we have tried over the years doing lists, organizers, charts, calendars, and they dont work, mostly because she doesn't keep up with them . Organization has been a constant issue at school, handing in assignments on time, etc, but because she excels and has a 504, (and they love her in general) teachers have traditionally given her leeway.
Her schedule isn't as packed as one might think. Even if she stays after school, she is home by 4pm. Her school is very project based, so she gets very little homework and when she does, its due over the course of several weeks. She takes music classes once a week for 30 minutes, and is not invovled in sports or clubs. She does like to record music which ends up being around 2 hours a week, and unless a fundraiser or something is going on, she is home all evening and the weekend. However, I do feel the school places pressure on her. Because she is such a great student, they keep telling her this isn't going to work once she gets to college, (she has a late birthday and in 10th grade) and considering she doesn't even know what she wants to study (which is fine), but I feel the "college" comments may make her more anxious than what she already is and I very rarely bring it up.
Either way, I feel household chores should be done because we are a FAMILY and we need to work together to make sure we are happy, clean, and safe. I've tried to make her understand this. I just don't know how to get through to her.
I'm sorry for the extended response.
I appreciate your help.
So, your child does 2 chores a day?
Dishwasher, and then chooses another one from what you wrote? For a total of 5? Sorry, just teying to understand, and if thats the case, That seems doable for me.
One issue with my daughter and the "clean spaces" chore is that she says she doesn't care. She blatantly gives me an attitude and says she doesn't care that she has to sleep on a corner of her bed, (I've given up, as long as she actually sleeps). or that her hamper is overflowing into the floor and she has no room to walk. This is what she SAYS, but I don't know if I believe her.
Example, just this morning, she made breakfast (for herself) and left ketchup and syrup out on the table, crumbs everywhere and a dirty plate in the sink. It would have taken her 2 minutes to clean it up. I know I have to choose my battles, and for the most part I do, but when I see I'm the only one putting effort it is frustrating and makes me want to snap.
Regarding the ADHD, we have tried over the years doing lists, organizers, charts, calendars, and they dont work, mostly because she doesn't keep up with them . Organization has been a constant issue at school, handing in assignments on time, etc, but because she excels and has a 504, (and they love her in general) teachers have traditionally given her leeway.
Her schedule isn't as packed as one might think. Even if she stays after school, she is home by 4pm. Her school is very project based, so she gets very little homework and when she does, its due over the course of several weeks. She takes music classes once a week for 30 minutes, and is not invovled in sports or clubs. She does like to record music which ends up being around 2 hours a week, and unless a fundraiser or something is going on, she is home all evening and the weekend. However, I do feel the school places pressure on her. Because she is such a great student, they keep telling her this isn't going to work once she gets to college, (she has a late birthday and in 10th grade) and considering she doesn't even know what she wants to study (which is fine), but I feel the "college" comments may make her more anxious than what she already is and I very rarely bring it up.
Either way, I feel household chores should be done because we are a FAMILY and we need to work together to make sure we are happy, clean, and safe. I've tried to make her understand this. I just don't know how to get through to her.
I'm sorry for the extended response.
I appreciate your help.
@chang Is she on ADHD meds? I'm an adult with ADHD & I can't stay focused on anything without proper medication. My last med had horrible side effects & my doctor hasn't prescribed anything new yet so I'm all over the place.
As long as she isn't leaving anything out that will draw bugs, mainly food, let her room go. Shut the door & leave it be. You're letting it stress you out & there's no reason for it.
As long as she isn't leaving anything out that will draw bugs, mainly food, let her room go. Shut the door & leave it be. You're letting it stress you out & there's no reason for it.
@danny7995 She does take candy and snacks up to her room without me knowing. The other day I walked in and there were about 20 candy wrappers buy her computer.
She is not on meds for ADHD. One of the doctors determined that her ADHD is a form that accompanies anxiety. I'm not really sure the technical name for it.
We tried putting her on anxiety medication, but she didn't like the way it made her feel and I didn't like the way it made her be. So we stopped those last year.
She is not on meds for ADHD. One of the doctors determined that her ADHD is a form that accompanies anxiety. I'm not really sure the technical name for it.
We tried putting her on anxiety medication, but she didn't like the way it made her feel and I didn't like the way it made her be. So we stopped those last year.
damarisbelieves
New member
@chang What stands out to me in the post is the child in question has been diagnosed with two disorders but still maintains an A average, functions socially and babysits her little brother for free every day.
You are recognizing dysfunction and that’s healthy as long as you take a big step back and look at the whole system.
What chores does the younger child complete daily?
How are you modeling the behavior you want from her?
How have you enabled that(honestly- does she have organizing bins- to really sort and store her stuff)?
I’m not saying you are the problem. I’m just saying it doesn’t sound like she is/has a real problem.
You are recognizing dysfunction and that’s healthy as long as you take a big step back and look at the whole system.
What chores does the younger child complete daily?
How are you modeling the behavior you want from her?
How have you enabled that(honestly- does she have organizing bins- to really sort and store her stuff)?
I’m not saying you are the problem. I’m just saying it doesn’t sound like she is/has a real problem.
@damarisbelieves
I did not say this and she does not babysit him every day. Hardly ever. I'm home by 4pm daily.
He's 5 years old.
He feeds the dog, cleans up his room (puts toys where they belong) and makes his bed (as best as he can considering his age). He isn't physically capable of doing the other stuff.
He is also pretty independent. Can get his own snacks and do homework by himself, can give himself a shower/bath, gets dressed on his own and even wakes himself up in the morning and gets ready for school on his own.
Yes, absolutely. There is a large calendar in the kitchen where we write our schedules for the month. I clean up daily, and because I do it daily, it takes me no more than 5 -10 minutes to tidy up the LR and DR (put mail away, put shoes away, wipe the table). Longer to do the kitchen especially during weeks when I cook everyday. My room is spotless..why? Because I make a conscious decision to get undressed near the hamper so my clothes go right in, instead of on the floor. I dust my BR once a week. I don't eat in my room. If I use something, (for example, a curling iron or a waffle maker) instead of waiting for later to put it away, I put it away as soon as I'm done. I'm not OCD, and I'm not a clean freak or germaphobe. I just make a choice everyday to live clutter free. It helps my mood as well as keeps things looking orderly so I'm not overwhelmed by having to do it all at once. Plus, who wants to spend their weekend cleaning?
Yes, bins, drawers, and a closet. Hangers in the closet for her shirts. Drawers for her pants, socks, underwear and pjs. Bins and a shoe rack for shoes. Shelves and a desk for books.
You asked lots of good questions, and I hope my reaponse doesn't come off as unappreciative.
In addition to your last question, I just had this discussion with her two days ago.
I want to help her, but she takes things very personally, even if it is not a personal attack. I'm trying to teach her a life skill. She will go away to college soon. She will have a job one day soon and all these organizational type things will come into play.
She has struggled since 3rd grade. We have tried numerous calendars, organizers, timers, apps, teamwork, even her teachers have tried to help her transfer some skills from school to home.
Many times she will balme exterior circumstances. (My sister came to visit) but that didn't matter because she was in her room anyway. Or no one told me to.
Aside from everything I've tried, she doesn't want to go back on meds, and I don't blame her. It takes a lot of effort for her to get the grades she does, and I'm happy she is a straight A student, but she also strives for perfection, and I'm not sure if that's an ADHD/anxiety trait. I don't put that kind of pressure on her.
Last night she told me that it would help if I just start taking things away. I didn't want to do that, and I don't feel that that is a long-term solution, but at this point I kind of feel like I have no more options left.
babysits her little brother for free every day.
I did not say this and she does not babysit him every day. Hardly ever. I'm home by 4pm daily.
What chores does the younger child complete daily?
He's 5 years old.
He feeds the dog, cleans up his room (puts toys where they belong) and makes his bed (as best as he can considering his age). He isn't physically capable of doing the other stuff.
He is also pretty independent. Can get his own snacks and do homework by himself, can give himself a shower/bath, gets dressed on his own and even wakes himself up in the morning and gets ready for school on his own.
How are you modeling the behavior you want from her?
Yes, absolutely. There is a large calendar in the kitchen where we write our schedules for the month. I clean up daily, and because I do it daily, it takes me no more than 5 -10 minutes to tidy up the LR and DR (put mail away, put shoes away, wipe the table). Longer to do the kitchen especially during weeks when I cook everyday. My room is spotless..why? Because I make a conscious decision to get undressed near the hamper so my clothes go right in, instead of on the floor. I dust my BR once a week. I don't eat in my room. If I use something, (for example, a curling iron or a waffle maker) instead of waiting for later to put it away, I put it away as soon as I'm done. I'm not OCD, and I'm not a clean freak or germaphobe. I just make a choice everyday to live clutter free. It helps my mood as well as keeps things looking orderly so I'm not overwhelmed by having to do it all at once. Plus, who wants to spend their weekend cleaning?
How are you modeling the behavior you want from her?
How have you enabled that(honestly- does she have organizing bins- to really sort and store her stuff)?
Yes, bins, drawers, and a closet. Hangers in the closet for her shirts. Drawers for her pants, socks, underwear and pjs. Bins and a shoe rack for shoes. Shelves and a desk for books.
You asked lots of good questions, and I hope my reaponse doesn't come off as unappreciative.
In addition to your last question, I just had this discussion with her two days ago.
I want to help her, but she takes things very personally, even if it is not a personal attack. I'm trying to teach her a life skill. She will go away to college soon. She will have a job one day soon and all these organizational type things will come into play.
She has struggled since 3rd grade. We have tried numerous calendars, organizers, timers, apps, teamwork, even her teachers have tried to help her transfer some skills from school to home.
Many times she will balme exterior circumstances. (My sister came to visit) but that didn't matter because she was in her room anyway. Or no one told me to.
Aside from everything I've tried, she doesn't want to go back on meds, and I don't blame her. It takes a lot of effort for her to get the grades she does, and I'm happy she is a straight A student, but she also strives for perfection, and I'm not sure if that's an ADHD/anxiety trait. I don't put that kind of pressure on her.
Last night she told me that it would help if I just start taking things away. I didn't want to do that, and I don't feel that that is a long-term solution, but at this point I kind of feel like I have no more options left.
@chang A little late to this thread, and maybe it won't fit your situation, however, here's what I did and am finding success:
I have two (step)daughters. They have standard chores, most notably cleaning kitchen every evening after dinner and vacuuming the entire house and dusting -- they alternate each evening. They both have mobile devices, so I setup a reoccurring appointment on their phone calendars (and added my wife and I as "attendees" to these appointments). Every evening at 7:20p, everyone get s a notice on their mobile phone of their chore. This helped with reminding them of their duties. On top of this, i layout my expectation (also denoted in the appointment in their calendars) of what needs to be done with their chores. As part of my expectations, they also know what to expect.
The deal is, chores get done before *I* go to bed. I'm in bed anything from 8p-10p, so it behooves them to no wait long after their reminder to start working on their stuff. If one of the girls has not done their chores (or actively working on them), the internet for their mobile device and computer gets shut off. Luckily Verizon has a family app that allows more control, so on top of no internet, they also lose the ability to text and talk (exception would be mom and I, set within the app).
If I wake up and their chores are done to my expectations, everything is back on and working. If I wake up and stuff still isn't done, that's fine, as they now have a "penalty" chore. So not only do they need to complete their normal task, but also something additional. And this is a crap shoot as to what this extra chore is. It could be picking up dog poop in the yard, or washing windows or baseboards.
Obviously there are exceptions, like late nights from sports games and such or sicknesses. And I use this method on weekends when it's all hands on deck with stuff that needs to get done around the house -- lay out my expectations and a time frame.
It mostly works and I'm getting less push back since I don't ask or hound them and they know what is expected and repercussions if it's not done or done right.
> I have reason to believe she is not all there mentally, as in she can't read between the lines, takes everything literal word for word..so if I say "take out the garbage" She needs me to say "put the garbage in the big black garbage can and roll it out to the curb".
I don't think you're alone in this. My girls need it explained out in detail. However, when my eldest has her bf over for dinner, I find that she's more diligent about getting stuff done without us asking. She'll even go out of her way to put a bag in the garbage can if it's missing.
I have two (step)daughters. They have standard chores, most notably cleaning kitchen every evening after dinner and vacuuming the entire house and dusting -- they alternate each evening. They both have mobile devices, so I setup a reoccurring appointment on their phone calendars (and added my wife and I as "attendees" to these appointments). Every evening at 7:20p, everyone get s a notice on their mobile phone of their chore. This helped with reminding them of their duties. On top of this, i layout my expectation (also denoted in the appointment in their calendars) of what needs to be done with their chores. As part of my expectations, they also know what to expect.
The deal is, chores get done before *I* go to bed. I'm in bed anything from 8p-10p, so it behooves them to no wait long after their reminder to start working on their stuff. If one of the girls has not done their chores (or actively working on them), the internet for their mobile device and computer gets shut off. Luckily Verizon has a family app that allows more control, so on top of no internet, they also lose the ability to text and talk (exception would be mom and I, set within the app).
If I wake up and their chores are done to my expectations, everything is back on and working. If I wake up and stuff still isn't done, that's fine, as they now have a "penalty" chore. So not only do they need to complete their normal task, but also something additional. And this is a crap shoot as to what this extra chore is. It could be picking up dog poop in the yard, or washing windows or baseboards.
Obviously there are exceptions, like late nights from sports games and such or sicknesses. And I use this method on weekends when it's all hands on deck with stuff that needs to get done around the house -- lay out my expectations and a time frame.
It mostly works and I'm getting less push back since I don't ask or hound them and they know what is expected and repercussions if it's not done or done right.
> I have reason to believe she is not all there mentally, as in she can't read between the lines, takes everything literal word for word..so if I say "take out the garbage" She needs me to say "put the garbage in the big black garbage can and roll it out to the curb".
I don't think you're alone in this. My girls need it explained out in detail. However, when my eldest has her bf over for dinner, I find that she's more diligent about getting stuff done without us asking. She'll even go out of her way to put a bag in the garbage can if it's missing.
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