I hate Toddler bedtime!!!

[darthklim]

My son is 4 in a week and he is driving me insane. His mom tends to coddle him and I’m more strict so when it’s my turn to do bath and bed (we alternate between son and daughter mom/dad each night), he intentionally causes a scene so mom has to get involved. By this point my patience is far from gone and on loan through next year. I’ve never struck my kid but holy shit, I’m about to start spanking or something. His sister is usually just getting to sleep by the time his shenanigans begins but that doesn’t phase him. I fight with my wife all the time about how ridiculously long our bedtime routine is. Starts at 7:45 for bath, 8:15 get dressed; read, rock, walk around, 100 phases of trying to calm our son, then 9:15 potty attempt. Then bed. By the time it’s all done, it’s usually 9:45/10 at night which leaves no time to do shit for yourself.

Do you bathe every single freaking day like us? My wife makes sure the kids know everything we do all day everyday is take care of them. The world revolves around these kids. And it makes me bloody miserable. I have no life, no marriage basically, declining health, and poorly behaved kids. Yet my wife couldn’t give a shit less. To her, the kids are everything and F everything else.

 

[onangelwings]

@darthklim This is a long bed time routine imo… we do bath at 7pm for ours (2.5 and 1) and by 7:30 they’re both done, dried off and in their pjs already. Maybe you can try adjusting the routine little by little? I think reading is a nice way to end the evening, but I’m having trouble understanding why a 4 year old needs to be rocked to sleep? Also, can you move the final potty time to after bath and story? I feel like aiming for an 9pm bedtime would be generous here.

 

[dk1210]

@darthklim I do think your anger and lack of patience is part of the problem. It seems like you resent your wife and son tbh. If you are losing your patience with him then of course he is going to want the nurturing mom over angry Dad.

Your son needs to feel safe and loved when you are tucking him in. Set boundaries with love, not anger. Consider your tone and volume of your voice. Give him warnings like “5 more minutes before story time.” Make the story time fun. Another thing that helps my little one is talk about something they can look forward to tomorrow.. pancakes for breakfast or playing with toys. Doesn’t have to be anything big.

Discuss the plan with your wife ahead of time. Tell her that you are not only concerned for your evening free time but having healthy structure for the kids. If you show her that you are committed to parenting your kids well, then it may ease her anxiety and need for control. You might consider couples counseling to help your communication and team work. If you are harboring resentment then it is going to cause problems.

 

[midnightowl]

@dk1210 I don’t have kids, but so could it be a kid is a night owl? Do you need to give kids bedtime or let them fall asleep when they are tired?
My cat like to sleep with me and wants to sleep together. I would imagine kids want to go to sleep together too. Maybe it would help having same room for the two kids?

 

[seekinganswersinlife]

@darthklim 3.5 year old boy

Bath nights are Wednesday and Sunday, upstairs 615, lights out by 715

Non bath nights, upstairs 630, lights out by 715

Wake up is 630am sharp on school days, sleep in weekends (7am usually)…
Naps once in awhile at school but never at home (1-1.5 hrs quiet time mid-day)

Parents take turns every night

Lotion, pjs, teeth, say good night to infant sister/other parent, 10 min play, 3 books, potty, lights out, pick hatch color, hugs, close door.

 

[doninfaith]

@darthklim We don't do baths every day, and when we do, it tends to be during the day, not part of a bedtime routine.

Two kids is rough, I hope it gets better for you both soon. (Though the reality is you may have a couple of years to ride out yet)

I do notice in your post that you seem to be saying that your wife is responsible for the current situation. What if you took over bedtime for your son every night for a while until you get the routine down to something more manageable?

To be clear, I don't mean this to come across as a a rude "well if you think you can do better, you handle it"; this is actually a strategy we've used in our household for some things: eg when our son would wake up at 11pm each night and want to come into his parent's bed, i basically said I'd handle every night until the phase was over. This let me apply a consistent strategy without arguing with my partner about the approach, and without her having to deal with any of the fallout if my plan didn't work. It just made it simpler.

 

[cheky1818]

@darthklim I feel like the closer they get to 4 the more they try to procrastinate bedtime. I'm in a similar boat. 3.5 yr old girl and she gets down about 945/10 pm. I get her up by 730-8am and has no naps at all. She's a high energy kid who loves to try to stay up so it's a battle some nights. I'm the only one who does bathtime/bedtime too, so it's not a manner of who's doing the routine.

I've resulted to bringing in headphones and watching/reading stuff on my phone while I lay with her to ease the stress of not getting "me time". Idk if any of this helps but figured I'd share my perspective. Good luck!

 

[innerfire89]

@darthklim i’ll be in the minority here but maybe it’s too early for him to go to bed. would you like to try starting the routine later so it’s more compressed and you don’t feel so angry that so much time is wasted? and do more things that lets his energy out so that he will be more tired by bedtime? not all kids are soothed by calming stuff, some need to let the energy out.

we do bathe daily but i’m in southeast asia where it’s hot all the time. you can try to change it up, since it’s not working.

i do understand the rage and the angst about bedtime. they’re champions at delaying bedtime and i also get angry with mine when he just won’t sleep. we don’t rock, but we lie down with him till he sleeps (we also co sleep at night but we sleep later than him so we get up to have some personal time after he sleeps). may not work for you. but i would certainly change things up because what you are doing now is making you angry!

as for you and wife , sounds like you guys really need to talk about your parenting and life expectations…

 

[beckywarner]

@innerfire89 I agree with this. I think at 4 I would expect a later bedtime and therefore the routine starts too soon. My 4 yr old sleeps around 9pm. He has a nap for 40min at school and doesn’t nap on weekends. And on weekends he goes to sleep instantly but on weekdays he has a million things to tell me . My 2 yr old sleeps at 8:30ish and takes a 2 hour nap at school. Both wake up at about 7am. We do bath every other night. I know some people like every night for consistency. We do every other night since it bathing young kids/babies nightly can dry out the skin.

 

[renewed90]

@darthklim How about this how about you start bad time at about 6:30 after dinner start to wind them down get them in the tub by 7:00 lay them down in the bed read a story that should last until about 7:15 try to calm him down until about 7:30 7:45 or you can just give your daughter a bath and let the mom take care of the sun because obviously he doesn't do that with his mom he only does it with you so why don't y'all just keep that routine. And yes it's hard for both parents and it's not like your wife don't give a f as a woman not to seem rude or anything our kids are our world we don't think about anything else because at the end of the day if you was to leave the marriage and leave the kids and will be up to the wife to take care of the kids I'm not stating that you are one of those types that won't come see your children but how upset you are sounds like you just don't give a f about your kids. Not trying to be a a****** but if you feel like your life is over and you miserable you unhealthy then maybe I'll need to seek therapy this is a toddler Stage it's very difficult. I'm raising a son by myself his dad is not in his life and yes that's nobody's business but it's hard as hell dealing with the attitudes dealing with the don't want to go to sleep how about my son doesn't go to sleep until 12:00 at night. Christmas Eve he didn't go to bed till 12:30 they just have sleep deprivation you were like that probably when you were a kid. It's very common eventually they'll break that stage and then they'll get to a point where they don't even want to have anything to do with you. You think this is worse wait until they all turn into teenagers and the attitudes and hormones kick in. I don't get any me time and I'm a single mom I don't get any me time the best thing to do is try to do your schedule earlier then you will find yourself having a little bit more time cut out the snaps in the middle of the day or whenever y'all let them take naps if you do don't let them take any naps most of the time when they're acting out like that they're overly tired. Push bad time a little bit earlier that's the problem y'all starting bath time at 7:45 no the first kid will be in the tub at about 6:15 the next 6:30 they will both be in the bed by 7:00 story time then lights out. You have to put your foot down eventually they'll fall asleep turn everything off completely dark give him a kiss and a hug leave the door cracked so they can get a little bit of light in there if they scared of the dark tell him Mommy and Daddy are right in the next room and you leave them there they will be okay eventually they will fall asleep turn on some type of baby lullaby. My son will be for next month I turn on baby lullaby every night and that boy fall asleep eventually. Don't cave in don't give in to them.

 

[65james]

@darthklim That feels like a pretty late bedtime for a 4 year old. What time does he wake up? Does he nap?

My almost three year old takes one nap and goes to bed (lights out) around 8:15pm and is usually asleep by 8:30pm. He has a long bedtime routine (dinner at 6, bath at 6:40, playing in his room/reading books until about 7:40 then potty/teeth brushing, putting on PJs and we usually sing to him for about 15mins and dole out pats) but yours is impressively long.

Have you tried any sleep training with him? I feel like at 4 he should be old enough to be left in his room to fall asleep on his own without so much help from mom and dad. Though obviously you and your wife need to be on the same page.

 

[darthklim]

@65james Wakes at around 7:30 and rarely naps. He gets quiet time in his room with his tablet. His 2yo sister still naps about 2 hours a day at home. Night routine is brutal. It’s a huge source of anxiety for me to be honest.

 

[65james]

@darthklim Maybe he's low sleep needs but that seems like less sleep than a 4 year old would need. Your kiddo is sleeping as much as I do as an adult. /r/sleeptrain may be a good resource for your family. Also, it sounds like you're having some frustrations in your relationship. If you can't speak about them directly with your wife, maybe couples counseling?

 

[justin83]

@darthklim I don't see the need to bath every day. Kids' sweat doesn't smell, and all the dirtier areas can be cleaned with wipes.

Dropping it from your bed routine would save 30 minutes

 

[ayyiah]

@darthklim I think it's all normal kid behaviour and attempt at gaining some control, albeit very frustrating and I feel your pain. I would say a couple of things could be happening
- he is overtired or not tired enough come bed time and timing need adjusting
- he has a need for some affection, attention or one on one time or feels like he's not being heard and is exercising some attempt at controlling things (younger sibling may be a part of this)
- he is not being treated/disciplined (for lack of a better word) in a consistent way and is trying to see where the boundary is

Please don't hit your child, I know it's frustrating but it's not the answer. As parents we are meant to be in control of our emotions, guide and model the right behaviour for them. You need to test different strategies that may help with the bedtime, as many have suggested could be around bath timings, consistency, being tougher on who put him to bed etc. maybe if you can figure out a way to make him think he has some control he will ease up. For us, this is little things our son gets to dictate, like what the story is about that we have to tell him, turning lights off, turning fan on etc, leaving him with a book if he still doesn't feel tired.

 

[cheyennerose]

@darthklim This is normal for toddlers to do, and while it is frustrating, this season of life is not forever. Your anger and resentment towards your wife for being a good mother is not acceptable, however. You need to figure out where your anger is coming from and perhaps speak to a therapist about it. Having small children is a lot of work and some kids are more challenging than others, but what you can’t do is just suddenly not bathe them or stick them in a room and expect them to figure out how to go to sleep alone.

Eventually your child will go to sleep on their own. Eventually you will have days and nights all to yourself while they are busy with their own lives. Nothing lasts forever.

 

[shreechamundaenterprise11]

@darthklim You need a chill pill mate. People far worse off than their kids being the center of their world. You
Could be at a children’s hospital begging for their life.

 

[newelijahneeded]

@shreechamundaenterprise11 Not helpful at all.

 

[teeshaaw]

@darthklim Ours is similar for my 4 year old - bath at around 8pm and then chase her around to moisturize/put on pjs, brush teeth, etc… usually she is asleep around 9:30 or so and wakes up at 7:30 or 8. Yes we do bath everyday, unless she is sick and needs to sleep early. We are currently in the middle of getting an assessment done by an OT as she has been having some behaviour issues. The OT mentioned that ours might be a high arousal child who has higher energy needs to calm down for bedtime.

 

[godsdj1]

@darthklim I hear you on the last paragraph. It’s not easy or right, in my opinion, having your marriage pushed completely to the back burner. It’s the foundation and backbone of your family. It is also a very pivotal aspect that sets an example of healthy relationships for your children.

I struggle with this too. 8months and 3.5 yrs. I know before the baby came into the picture we did make it to a more balanced state as far as our marriage. I can only hope we are able to return again. I think this is why a lot of couples break apart as the kids get older, they have simply lost touch and appreciation for each other. Most everything I have read puts the priority on the marriage/relationship first and that is the best way to serve and raise your children in the long run.

Hang in there is all I can say. I have a mantra I say to myself now “the center of the storm”. Don’t over react and create ammo that can be used against you. Keep your cool and keep your head up!

Don’t be afraid to be the firmer parent. Just balance it out and always let them know you love them more than anything in the universe.