@jdi12 Yes, my husband and I got into this too. Because then he can point to all the tasks he got done, so he’d try to flip the argument. But not only were our priorities different, but he was given the indulgence of non-urgent tasks that he completed completely alone, and when they were done, they were done. Meanwhile, I was expected to tackle these never ending household and childcare tasks, WITH A TODDLER IN TOW.
I get so annoyed of hearing “wElL I dOnT kNoW hOw To HeLp UnLesS yOu aSk”…
- Thread starter roryrichards
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@letler21 My husband acts like he can get nothing done when he's watching the kids which is a source of utter frustration for me. I WFH and watch our kids—literally do my job, feed us, keep the house reasonably clean (house isn't my top priority during the day, but I have to do enough to keep it safe and comfortable for the kids and on slow work days, I tackle the bigger chores), so when he says that, I just about blow a gasket because that is the ONLY way I exist. When I point this out to explain how frustrating that is, he says some self-deprecating comment of him not being as capable as I am. Well tough shit! Figure it out!
@jdi12 My husband asks what I need done when he finishes the tasks that are "his" for the same reason. I'm a stay at home parent so most of the household management falls to me, especially because his job means he's gone a lot. Before, he was doing a lot of things and I didn't feel like he was helping because we had a mismatch in priorities. And sometimes I just write my list on the fridge to get it out of my brain and he'll start checking things off too.
katrina2017
New member
@roryrichards Laughing and crying. Why are they like this. Let me add: change their diaper, clean their face, FEED THEM, clean up after yourself?, take out the trash, remember to set your own damn alarm for the morning, refill their sippy cup, ask yourself what is for dinner. I can go on.
blessedheart
New member
@roryrichards He needs a dose of malicious compliance. Tell him what to do with ridiculous frequency and as if he’s a child. “Good morning! Get up, brush your teeth and take a shower!”, knock on the bathroom door and say “flush and wash with soap when you’re done!”, “time for you to take out the trash and make dinner!”. You can go all out and add in some “great job! You’re so helpful!” When he has done a task.
Kill him with kindness
Kill him with kindness
@blessedheart Oh I love this!!
hutchison76
New member
@roryrichards I’ve had this argument for 7 months now. I’m totally broken from it all. Solidarity from me.
scottishservant
New member
@roryrichards If it's not something he wouldn't normally do as an adult or parent then you shouldn't have to ask him to do anything.
Cleaning? If he was on his own he'd have to do that, so why do you have to ask him to do it when you live together?
Cleaning? If he was on his own he'd have to do that, so why do you have to ask him to do it when you live together?
@roryrichards That’s an excuse for them not wanting to help. He knows how to be an adult, he’s choosing not to because you have it covered.
odddlycrunchy
New member
@roryrichards Every single time I exhaustedly ask “what do you want for dinner” I never get an answer. I get “oh whatever you want” until I lose my shit at him and suddenly I’m the problem.
@roryrichards It doesn’t help when the behaviour is also supported. I had a therapist tell me men aren’t mind readers. Literally lol
@roryrichards “She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink”
If you haven’t sent this to your husband, please do:
https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
If you haven’t sent this to your husband, please do:
https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
scottclaxton55
New member
@roryrichards I literally have a list on our fridge called “any time chores” so that I don’t get asked this question. It includes:
Pick up toys
Wipe down the couch
Wipe down kitchen island and counters
Wipe down coffee table and kitchen table
Do dishes: empty dishwasher, load dishwasher, do sink dishes, and put away dry dishes
Do a load of laundry (check towels each week including hand towels, sheets every two weeks, kitchen laundry every week, baby laundry as needed)
Take out trash and recycling
Vacuum/sweep around all cat boxes
Check fridge for expired items
Wipe down front of microwave, oven, and fridge
Do bottle dishes and sanitize parts daily
Swiffer kitchen/dining room floor
Deep clean the high chair
Am I thrilled that the mental load is still mine? No. But at least with the list I’m doing the mental work once instead of every time.
Pick up toysWipe down the couchWipe down kitchen island and countersWipe down coffee table and kitchen tableDo dishes: empty dishwasher, load dishwasher, do sink dishes, and put away dry dishesDo a load of laundry (check towels each week including hand towels, sheets every two weeks, kitchen laundry every week, baby laundry as needed)Take out trash and recyclingVacuum/sweep around all cat boxesCheck fridge for expired itemsWipe down front of microwave, oven, and fridgeDo bottle dishes and sanitize parts dailySwiffer kitchen/dining room floor Deep clean the high chairAm I thrilled that the mental load is still mine? No. But at least with the list I’m doing the mental work once instead of every time.
@roryrichards It’s such BS. He has functioning eyeballs, right? And he’s an adult with a basic understanding of what basic chores need to be done regularly, correct? He just thinks the house is your responsibility and not his. So it’s still your job to delegate any tasks he actually does. He sees the dishes and knows dishes are part of daily household tasks. He just doesn’t think he has any responsibility for the dishes. This is why the Fair Play system works for a lot of families. It assigns specific tasks to people so you don’t get stuck managing and delegating every day.
@roryrichards I got sick of that same excuse as well. So we told him that he now has designated tasks that are 100% his. Things like dishes (collecting, loading, putting away), trash (includes emptying little trashed around house, refilling bags and taking trash to the road), and mail (going and getting, sorting, trashing junk and organizing action items). Being explicitly clear about things I’m not going to touch has helped alleviate the frustration. He still helps with other things as I ask but now we both just know to leave those specific ones for him.
solomonkane
New member
@roryrichards delegating tasks is another task. look around pick something! bc it all needs to get done !
@roryrichards I think this is a good reminder to raise your sons to be self-sufficient and equal partners so that their future partner isn’t experiencing this in their relationship 
@roryrichards Feel this. I'm deep in the terrible 2s and sleep regression era and got told this morning that I have to ask for a break or time away from our son because "I'm not a mind reader" and "its not that hard" meanwhile I'm up from 4am to 11pm doing everything around the house, for our son and for him, with just enough time to poop, shower and eat something during our sons 1 hour nap.while my fiancé leaves for work at 6 (doesn't have to be there until 7, we live 5 minutes away), gets home at 4:30 (gets out at 3:30) hops on his Xbox, eats dinner, hops back on the Xbox, plays with our son for a half hour and then sits back, usually on his xbox, while i do bath and bed and the he sleeps peacefully through the night while I get up every 2 hours to put our son back to bed.
I'm going out tonight when he gets home, and tomorrow morning, I'm leaving before either of them wake up. If he has anything to say about it, "I'm not a mind reader, it's not that hard"
I'm going out tonight when he gets home, and tomorrow morning, I'm leaving before either of them wake up. If he has anything to say about it, "I'm not a mind reader, it's not that hard"