I don’t have a mom or a lot of family. Give me some motherly advice and tips about my first born

madscribbler

New member
Hello! This sub is really great and I appreciate all of the humanity here. I won’t have a mom or lots of family to give me advice or tips (like what to do with a 4 month old velcro baby?) … and I’m due in October.

Could you give me:
  1. your hardest earned advice (beyond “everything will be ok”)
  2. your most genius newborn mom hacks that you feel like a superstar about figuring out?
  3. registry must have
I look up to you all!
 
@madscribbler 1a. Often there is no magical way to Do Things Right and have it be easier. Every company and influencer wants us to think their thing/method will fix everything if we buy it. My kids slept badly. Some things made it worse, a constellation of things helped, but there was no one magical solution. Often we feel not only desperate but guilty, as if we are Doing It Wrong and hurting them. Be gentle on yourself.

1b. My mother tells every new parent, “It is normal to sometimes feel like throwing the baby out the window.” Set them down gently, go meet some of your needs, and do not judge yourself. If your amygdala gets super stressed it will hijack your brain, and tell you to eliminate the “source” of stress. Just soothe yourself, this too shall pass.
  1. When the baby wakes up at night, go pee first. Baby’s already crying and a 30 second delay won’t make things worse. On the other hand, you might be stuck with a full bladder holding a sleeping baby for 45 minutes.
3a. Birdseye flour-sack towels work as muslin blankets for newborns, diapers, changing table covers, burp cloths, and general rags. They are cheap (I like Osocozy) and so flexible, I have often mused I could survive with nothing but a stack of flour-sack towels, running water, and food for me/babe.

3b. Also, a good baby carrier. Velcro baby doesn’t have to be a problem if they are snuggled in an Ergo or ring sling. Babywearing International chapters often have loaners to help you find your best fit before you purchase.
 
@lpadr009 1a- The fury I had for the online courses that "influencers" push that just makes you feel like a failing new mom. It's astounding really. But there is no "hack" to Do Things Right. There is no fool proof anything for any baby and everyone is just trying to figure it all out.
 
@madscribbler There are no magic hacks to sleep tbh. Set up an environment that is safe (firm matress and tight sheets, learn about safe sleep 7 if cosleeping) and meet your baby where they are. Some babies are just not great sleepers. Don’t let Instagram make you think a perfect routine or program is all you’re missing. Those things maybe help. Sometimes.

Cranky babies love outdoor air and baths, usually. Same for cranky moms 😜 Your newborn may hate carriers or wraps in the beginning but can get used to them. Keep trying, it’s worth it.

Don’t be surprised if it takes you a year or more to feel like yourself again. Make your life as easy as possible, especially if you plan to breastfeed. If I could do it again I’d skip some baby gear like clothes and towels and put gift cards for meal service like HomeChef or a grocery store that delivers on the registry.
 
@eliza188 100% to all these but esp the one about sleep! Without diving into the rabbit hole of sleep training vs cosleeping vs whatever else, please never feel bad about telling someone your baby isn’t a good sleeper. So many people will swear their baby is sleeping 7-7, but that’s far from the norm and imo probably not true every night.
 
@eliza188 Yes about sleep! And don’t be afraid to change your routine. If it feels like you’re trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and things aren’t working like they used to, change it up.
 
@madscribbler
  1. This tiny person is being a person for the first time, so they will struggle, but you're also being a mom for the first time. Struggling is healthy and normal, you aren't alone, and reaching out to any mom on earth will likely get you a response of "same. I have no advice, but solidarity." or "same. here's what helped me/us"
  2. Nothing about newborn life made me feel like a genius (see above 🤪), but I'll tell ya, a little fresh air and/or shower can solve all manner of sins. Fresh air especially helps for calming fussy tiny babies, in my experience.
  3. Any babywearing carrier that looks appealing to you. The ability to strap a newborn to your body and get to be a mostly-normal human is life changing. Watch tutorials, practice wrapping, and learn to nurse in a carrier if you plan to nurse. I have stretchy wraps, woven wraps, a ring sling, a structured buckle carrier, and an onbuhimo, they are still some of my favorite purchases in the feral toddler stage.
CONGRATULATIONS! You were made for this, you are the perfect mom for your baby, you are enough!!!
 
@philippian That’s beautiful, ‘you were made for this, you are the perfect mother to this child.’ This is my favorite response for myself in times of stress and for my MIL when she keeps asking questions roughly to the tune of, ‘don’t you think you’d rather (do it the way she would do it)..??’
 
@madscribbler Absolutely vouching for babies loving outside, if they are going mental or hurt themselves, walk outside with them. I find this resets my boy 100% of the time, and he's 11 months now.
 
@madscribbler TALK TO YOUR PARTNER BEFORE BABY COMES.

The people I see who enjoy parenthood the most are people with involved and competent partners. Sometimes people can be that without any effort, but better that you talk to your partner and set expectations. For example:

4th trimester - you will be primary for the baby. Partner needs to be primary for you. You may not be able to articulate all your needs, so they need to get in tune with them and meet them WITHOUT ASKING. Things like: every time you’re nursing, there should be a snack and a water in your hands. When you say “I am at the breaking point” that means they take baby and shove you into the shower.

This will be unfair. They will have three months where their feelings just aren’t as important as everyone else in the house. But you also will have just birthed your child for both of you, so it is what it is.

Second, give your partner space to fail with your baby. Don’t swoop in to do everything. If they don’t get enough time solo with baby to learn what you’re going to learn, well, they’ll never learn! After the fourth trimester, carve out days/times when they can be primary parent and make all the choices, so they learn how to do it too.
 
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