I don’t have a mom or a lot of family. Give me some motherly advice and tips about my first born
- Thread starter madscribbler
- Start date
@madscribbler I also don’t have a mom nor family. I’m 3.5 years into my parenting journey with another due in a few weeks. Here are some thoughts:
1.) Many new parents, especially those who don’t have family or had a rough upbringing, have the drive and desire to do everything right. You might find yourself going crazy trying to do “right” by your child. My advice is to be kind and easy on yourself. Each stage of parenting will bring up new wounds that you may have not known were there. It also may make you hold your partner up to impossible standards because you are so focused on doing things differently than maybe what you experienced.
There is a concept of “The Good Enough Parent” or originally “The Good Enough Mother” I believe it was DW Winnicot who coined the term.
Also reading the books “Hunt, Gather, Parent”, “Free to Learn” and “Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler”, gave my permission to let go a little and just enjoy my kid. The parenting realm is very focused on “optimal” everything at the moment and it’s easy to get caught up.
That’s all to say, be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace. Not everyday will be ideal and optimal in terms of your parenting choices. Your baby will be ok and will love you.
2.) You don’t need to constantly entertain newborns and babies. The world around them is stimulating and exciting enough. Sometimes laying a blanket near a window (without direct sunlight) is enough. Or a blanket on a lawn in the shade in the park or backyard. A brisk walk. Narrating what you’re doing. Simplicity is best for everyone. You don’t need all the gadgets.
3.) the must haves for me were the ergo baby newborn carrier (much easier than a wrap) and the baby Bjorn bouncer.
1.) Many new parents, especially those who don’t have family or had a rough upbringing, have the drive and desire to do everything right. You might find yourself going crazy trying to do “right” by your child. My advice is to be kind and easy on yourself. Each stage of parenting will bring up new wounds that you may have not known were there. It also may make you hold your partner up to impossible standards because you are so focused on doing things differently than maybe what you experienced.
There is a concept of “The Good Enough Parent” or originally “The Good Enough Mother” I believe it was DW Winnicot who coined the term.
Also reading the books “Hunt, Gather, Parent”, “Free to Learn” and “Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler”, gave my permission to let go a little and just enjoy my kid. The parenting realm is very focused on “optimal” everything at the moment and it’s easy to get caught up.
That’s all to say, be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace. Not everyday will be ideal and optimal in terms of your parenting choices. Your baby will be ok and will love you.
2.) You don’t need to constantly entertain newborns and babies. The world around them is stimulating and exciting enough. Sometimes laying a blanket near a window (without direct sunlight) is enough. Or a blanket on a lawn in the shade in the park or backyard. A brisk walk. Narrating what you’re doing. Simplicity is best for everyone. You don’t need all the gadgets.
3.) the must haves for me were the ergo baby newborn carrier (much easier than a wrap) and the baby Bjorn bouncer.
@emmy0922 Hunt Gather Parent literally changed my life. I was beginning to feel like our modern approach of over analyzing and stressing over everything baby related was actually doing more harm than good, and that book confirmed my suspicions and freed me up to do less.
I remember trying to narrate everything, fit in tummy time, and do all the other developmental stuff with my kid and feeling so bored and frustrated. After reading that book I just started taking my baby with me on errands instead of structuring his day with “expert” advice. We’re all better off.
I remember trying to narrate everything, fit in tummy time, and do all the other developmental stuff with my kid and feeling so bored and frustrated. After reading that book I just started taking my baby with me on errands instead of structuring his day with “expert” advice. We’re all better off.
madscribbler
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@madscribbler Yes! While you’re baby wearing or walking around the house with the baby, tell them what you’re doing or the things you see. “I’m chopping up this carrot now for my lunch! Do you hear that? Chop chop chop. Yum! I love carrots. Soon you will try some too.”
And for the window “activity”, lay down a blanket on the floor near a window, put baby on their back in a way where they can see out and up to the sky. It definitely works best if you live in an area with either plants, trees or open sky outside. And if they’re satisfied, grab a basket of laundry or anything that you can do while sitting by. (Like draw or knit if you’re into that!) You can even move about the house as long as they’re in ear/eye shot. I remember doing this once when my baby was a few months old for 45 minutes. I was amazed. I just puttered about, cleaning while she watched the trees blow in the breeze and cooed to herself.
If you want to narrate during this activity, you can but you don’t have to go overboard. “I just heard a mourning dove! Ooo, ooo. How nice! Can you feel the cool breeze coming through the window? That’s feels nice!” You can also just enjoy each other’s presence while you each do your own thing.
And for the window “activity”, lay down a blanket on the floor near a window, put baby on their back in a way where they can see out and up to the sky. It definitely works best if you live in an area with either plants, trees or open sky outside. And if they’re satisfied, grab a basket of laundry or anything that you can do while sitting by. (Like draw or knit if you’re into that!) You can even move about the house as long as they’re in ear/eye shot. I remember doing this once when my baby was a few months old for 45 minutes. I was amazed. I just puttered about, cleaning while she watched the trees blow in the breeze and cooed to herself.
If you want to narrate during this activity, you can but you don’t have to go overboard. “I just heard a mourning dove! Ooo, ooo. How nice! Can you feel the cool breeze coming through the window? That’s feels nice!” You can also just enjoy each other’s presence while you each do your own thing.
alley12345
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jonathang43
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@madscribbler Parent the child you have, not the one you pictured in your head. They may be nothing like you expected and the best thing you can do for them and yourself is to parent them the way they need to be parented. And it will take patience, and frustration, and learning and a lot of time but they are so worth it. (I have a ND child (jury is still out on whether the 2nd is NT or ND) and it has been a journey.
madscribbler
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@jonathang43 thank you
what were the first signs they were ND?
what were the first signs they were ND?
mommy2littles
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@madscribbler
- they are surprisingly resilient. I almost had a heart attack when my husband did not prepare a formula bottle the exact right way (and about 1000 more heart attacks that first year). Talk to anyone who has more than one kid if they’re more chilled the second time around. Then let some if that rub off on you. 2. That baby is a person from day one. A full on person with a distinct personality. The influencers whose kids sleep on their own/never throw food/play hours on their own/are never picky with food/don’t throw tantrums have personalities who are not inclined to do that and their parents are farming off that. You did not fail as a parent if your kid is not doing these things as easily even though you tried to teach them. 3. Grass doesn’t grow faster when you pull on it. Healthy kids learn to walk and talk in their own time.
Don’t stress yourself. Or them.
favourfelix
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madscribbler
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@mommy2littles great advice thank you 
the_precious_one
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@madscribbler
- Hardest earned advice: If, once your baby arrives, you feel out of your depth, know that it's totally normal and to be expected. Try to learn how babies develop and what's good for them in a broad sense (there is usually whole range of good options) and then take time to get to know your own unique little person and choose what works best for them and for you as a parent. Don't worry about specific techniques and scripts - how exactly to feed, the specific types of toys to use, what exactly to say - those are largely fluff.
- Newborn mom hacks: Hold your newborn as much as you want/can, and, once able, spend time outside with them during the day to help their circadian rhythm develop. If you do have some help, try to set aside a window of time during the day for someone to be with your baby while you shower, eat, or just be. I found knowing that I have a reliable, specific time or point in the day (for example, after you get up), however small, was so helpful.
- Registry must haves: a good carrier that works for newborns; a bath thermometer.
madscribbler
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@the_precious_one thank you 
warriorforchrist
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@madscribbler The stripe turns blue when it’s wet…my kid was weeks old before I knew that 
hiswayorhighway
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@warriorforchrist The nurse had to explain that one to me because they kept asking me if there was pee along with the poop at the hospital and I had no idea how I was supposed to know
warriorforchrist
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@hiswayorhighway Lmaoooo same!!! I was like how the heck am I supposed to know if there’s a wet diaper???
madscribbler
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@warriorforchrist wait…. what does this refer to lol?
warriorforchrist
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@madscribbler Most diapers! There is a yellow stripe on the front and when baby pees the stripe turns blue
madscribbler
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@warriorforchrist genius
alley12345
New member
@madscribbler I love this thread so much. 
It's healing somehow.
OP - For 1&2, I had to figure this out the hard way, but what my mom told me is true: trust yourself. Nobody will know your kid like you do. The only time I felt like a genius during the newborn phase was the first time I really listened to my instincts. During a bad episode of colic, I told my husband, "I have to take the baby in the shower." I had never done that, but I knew I had to. LO calmed down almost immediately. (Still does, over a year later.) Trust yourself. You've got this.
It's healing somehow.OP - For 1&2, I had to figure this out the hard way, but what my mom told me is true: trust yourself. Nobody will know your kid like you do. The only time I felt like a genius during the newborn phase was the first time I really listened to my instincts. During a bad episode of colic, I told my husband, "I have to take the baby in the shower." I had never done that, but I knew I had to. LO calmed down almost immediately. (Still does, over a year later.) Trust yourself. You've got this.