I am at a loss with my 2.5 year old’s behaviour

[smallman]

My son has been an absolute demon the last few months. I know people like to make jokes and memes about toddlers being a terror but this is genuinely awful. It’s really affecting us. It seems like normal toddlers have tantrums in relatively short bursts but his go on for ages, like an hour plus. He kicks and screams and hits and by the end of it he’s a red faced, crying mess with his eyes bugging out of his head. If we put him in his room he just about breaks the door down. We feel like we’ve tried every style to get him out of it, whether that’s calmly sitting with him to calm him down or being stern and walking away. I’ve lost my cool a couple of times and raised my voice at him but not even the shock of that stops him. It either feels like we’re feeding his tantrum by staying or ramping it up and signalling to him that we can’t deal with his emotions by ignoring it.

It just feels like everyone else can kind of just laugh off the terrible twos stage whereas we’re miserable dealing with him on a day to day basis. I get annoyed when family members make jokes about it as if we’re being ridiculous.

We had his little sister 6 months ago and so we thought maybe this is why. The advice says to make sure you give your first born lots of attention but he gets so much one on one time. If anything my daughter is the one being deprived of quality time (and sleep) because of his behaviour. So whilst this may be a potential trigger for his behaviour, spending more quality time with him just doesn’t feel like it’s a solution.

I don’t have the energy for this and hope it’s just a phase.

 

[ngannguyenqh]

@smallman I have a kid who has explosive tantrums, though thankfully they're less frequent now. Here's what works for me:

When he's having a serious meltdown, I have to get him contained. I pick him up and say, "We're going to your room. You're not in trouble. You're a good kid who's having a hard time."

I take him into his room and go in with him. I close the door and sit with my back against the door. When he protests, I tell him, "My number one job is to keep you safe, and right now that means sitting here with you."

Then I don't try to talk with him about it; that just makes him more upset. I just try to be a calm presence in the room. I don't really make eye contact with him, because he'll react almost like a scared animal. My job is just to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or his environment.

If he tries to hit, I tell him, "I won't let you hit/bite/scratch," and hold his hands to stop him. If he tries to throw things, I tell him, "I won't let you throw/break things" and take the things out of his hand.

If he tells me to leave, I tell him, "My number one job is to keep you safe, and right now that means staying here with you. I'm not scared of your feelings. You're a good kid who's having a hard time."

If I feel like I'm about to lose it, I tell him, "I need to take a minute to calm my body. I'm going to be right outside your door. I'm coming back." I step outside, take a few deep breaths, gather up my strength, and go back in when I'm ready.

Later, when he's calm, I *briefly* recap what happened. This is not really trying to talk about it. It's more like, "You were really upset about X earlier. But I stayed with you and we got through it. You're a good kid who was having a hard time. I love you."

All of this stuff comes from Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy. I'm a big fan and recommend it to everyone. It also has stuff on getting the most out of one-on-one time, dealing with sibling rivalry. I strongly encourage you to check it out.

 

[mcjudge]

@ngannguyenqh This is beautiful

 

[sarahelizabeth]

@ngannguyenqh Thank you for this. This is really helpful.

 

[debtoll12]

@ngannguyenqh coordinated telephone deliver chop truck plough vast aspiring teeny late

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

 

[smallman]

@ngannguyenqh Thank you for this advice. I will give it a go. The problem we have though is if he pick him up or move him to his room he goes absolutely feral, screaming and kicking me. If I shut his door he tries to push past me and if I let him past he almost breaks the door down with his kicking and banging. It’s awful.

I will take your advice on board though, thank you

 

[ngannguyenqh]

@smallman Yeah, this is one of those situations where you’ve just got to act quickly and decisively. When he’s melting down like that, he literally is like an animal. It’s basically his fight or flight response. There’s no reasoning with it, you can only contain it until he calms down enough for his prefrontal cortex to reassert control.

 

[smallman]

@ngannguyenqh Hey I’m just coming back to this thread because we’re having an awful few days with him. I’ve tried to take him into his room but it makes it worse because he ends up kicking the door and screaming as hard as he can. I’ve tried to sit back and calmly tell him I’m here for him but it just never ends. How does your toddler physically react to being in their room with the door shut? Do they try to get out?

 

[ngannguyenqh]

@smallman I sit on the floor with my back against the door so that he can’t approach it. That’s an important part of it. If I didn’t do that he’d break the door down.

When I first take him in he rages more. Think of it like a fire in a smaller space. It will heat up the small room faster, but it also burns out faster. If he tries to get out, which he can’t do without physically approaching me, I stop him and say, without making eye contact, “my number one job is to keep you safe, and right now that means both of us staying in this room.” Eventually he finds a way to soothe himself by playing with his toys.

I know it’s incredibly hard. You’re not doing anything wrong and there’s not anything wrong with your kid. Some kids are delayed with walking, but they learn to walk. Some are delayed with reading, but they learn to read. And some kids are delayed with emotional regulation, but they learn to regulate themselves.

 

[truefaith89]

@smallman It sucks and takes forever but there's two ways to get rid of tantrums :

1: Wait until they outgrow it (yeah, I know)

2:Ignore it and reward the coming down part.

Now, what does ignore mean? It isn't walking away or pretending they don't exist, it's about remaining level headed and not engaging too much. If you keep asking "what's wrong?" and validating the tantrum then they aren't going to get out of it but if their tantrum has no obvious effect on you, it's not going to be something they do to get what they want.

Prevention is also worth a pound of cure. I noticed mine gets in a mood where they don't want to be spoken to, so instead I'll ask one of their toys "do you think toddler wants a snack?" and this seems to break them out of it pretty quickly. If you can figure out what is causing the tantrum you may be able to help them resolve it before it starts. Try to pick up on the cues. Are they looking for attention? Are they hungry? Overtired?

 

[bo9]

@truefaith89 i stand by this tactic 100%. id explain things to them until i was certain they heard and understood me and then after that i would draw a line in the sand and ignore it. i walk over them like dirty laundry until it was over. definitely changes the dynamic.

 

[miss_bernie]

@truefaith89 My son's tantrums aren't too bad and usually peter out within a minute. But if he persists, or just gets in a pouty mood, I can nearly always get him to break out of it by talking to his animals too, something that disrupts his thought process. That, looking at photos of him, or making a silly face and walk while leaving the room.

 

[smallman]

@truefaith89 What happens when you ignore the tantrum? When we do that he just follows us around screaming and hitting us basically forcing us to engage with him. It feels impossible

 

[truefaith89]

@smallman Yeah, I usually just lie on the floor and take some time to scroll reddit, occasionally ask if we're all done. One of the few times I don't feel guilty at all being on my phone. They can try the hitting and the screaming but it doesn't really get them anywhere.

If you really need an out you can just pretend to (or actually) call grandma or whomever the kid likes

 

[perfect786]

@smallman Could you describe what an average day with him looks like, in terms of what's his schedule, how does he spend his time?

 

[smallman]

@perfect786 Sorry for the late reply. Usually when he’s at home for the day this is a typical day.

6-6:30: wake up

6:30-7:30: eat and get ready for the day

7:30-11:30/12: activities like the park, going to a friends house to play, library etc. he will be snacking throughout this period.

12-1:30: if we’re lucky he’ll nap but normally it’s just having quiet time in his room.

1:30-6: lunch, some sort of afternoon activity to get some energy out (maybe 30 mins max of TV). Snack in the arvo.

6-7:30: dinner, bath, books and singing then off to sleep.

 

[perfect786]

@smallman Okay, and when would you say you normally see the tantrums you're describing?

 

[smallman]

@perfect786 Anytime at the moment. But more likely first thing in the morning or the early arvo.

 

[perfect786]

@smallman Are you waking him up, or does he wake himself up? What happens in the morning before he starts a tantrum? Are you often trying to get him to a scheduled activity on time?

 

[kalistos]

@smallman That sucks. I realize you've probably already exhausted some of the available resources that might help (e.g. the book "How to talk so kids will listen"), but this free online Coursera course by a Yale professor might also be useful, it offers quite a lot of practical, hands-on advice on how to handle or diffuse tough situations:

Everyday Parenting: The ABCs of Child Rearing - Yale University Online Course | Coursera