I’m THIS close to giving up on coparenting
- Thread starter megbot
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vanhiep240594
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@megbot I try to keep in mind the fact that it’s better for my kids if their mother (my ex) is doing well, and being a good mom. It was easy to wish for bad outcomes for her, or for her to be a bad mom (so I could gloat and feel superior), and at first I did so. But setting aside that I was being petty, I was also essentially wishing for bad things for my kids.
@megbot A lot of co-parenting (and life) is having to realize that there's a lot you can't control. I can't control how my coparent acts. It helps me to think about what I can control. I can do my best to parent our kids, communicate with him when necessary, and be a safe, reliable parent for our kids. I think we also have veered more towards parallel parenting over the years.
I've been co-parenting with my ex-husband for almost 5 years and am now happily engaged. I have worked through a lot of emotions since I filed for divorce. It still made me feel resentful when my ex-husband's new gf friended me on Facebook and started posting about the amazing things he does and how great of a partner/dad he is. I practically begged for help for years with him so it brought up old wounds I forgot I had when I saw those things. I unfollowed her posts so I won't see them and reminded myself that people can change, we weren't a good match, and people aren't always truthful with social media posts anyways.
I've been co-parenting with my ex-husband for almost 5 years and am now happily engaged. I have worked through a lot of emotions since I filed for divorce. It still made me feel resentful when my ex-husband's new gf friended me on Facebook and started posting about the amazing things he does and how great of a partner/dad he is. I practically begged for help for years with him so it brought up old wounds I forgot I had when I saw those things. I unfollowed her posts so I won't see them and reminded myself that people can change, we weren't a good match, and people aren't always truthful with social media posts anyways.
@eternal7 I relate to this so much! Unfortunately what it’s done to me is made me bitter and angry because I just keep think WTH is wrong with me that he didn’t want to do those things with me. It’s like now he and his gf and our children and her have this happy little perfect life that I begged for (and I’m not referring to material things I’m meaning a father who would go to the park with his wife and kids etc) and now she can just step in and live the life I tried so desperately to have. I feel so bitter at the world (daddy issues too lol) and just am so angry at men that I don’t even want to try anymore.
vanhiep240594
New member
@yaharise This resonates.
I was not perfect, by any measure, but my ex was ruthless when we did finally split. From my perspective, she essentially replaced me with an old boyfriend. She then proceeded to demand exactly what she needed for herself in order to build a new situation, regardless of the cost to me or the kids. It was really eye-opening for me.
For a long time after, I was super resentful. I wanted only bad things for her, for her new relationship, etc. I remained connected to her social media in order to see photos and such of the kids (we share 50/50 custody), but that was a double edged sword, because I also had to see glimpses of her new, happy home.
I wanted her to be unhappy or for her relationship to fail. I imagined any such failures would be proof that she had been the problem, and not me (of course, the “problem” had been the both of us).
Eventually I got past all of my petty resentments. I began to see that if she was happy and doing well, then that was good for my kids. And I began to understand that, while I had my part to play in the failure of our relationship, neither of us was solely to blame. And the failure of the relationship did not mean that we were each failures as people.
Also, I began to appreciate that most social media façades are just that - a carefully crafted presentation of life, and not remotely real. And this was true for her. It turned out that her new life was not perfect. She and her new husband are happy enough, but they bicker and argue and disagree, just like everyone else.
And I realized that the life they share, the life that seems to be the life she was after, would never have made me happy. Which explains why we didn’t work, and also why things seem to work for them.
I was not perfect, by any measure, but my ex was ruthless when we did finally split. From my perspective, she essentially replaced me with an old boyfriend. She then proceeded to demand exactly what she needed for herself in order to build a new situation, regardless of the cost to me or the kids. It was really eye-opening for me.
For a long time after, I was super resentful. I wanted only bad things for her, for her new relationship, etc. I remained connected to her social media in order to see photos and such of the kids (we share 50/50 custody), but that was a double edged sword, because I also had to see glimpses of her new, happy home.
I wanted her to be unhappy or for her relationship to fail. I imagined any such failures would be proof that she had been the problem, and not me (of course, the “problem” had been the both of us).
Eventually I got past all of my petty resentments. I began to see that if she was happy and doing well, then that was good for my kids. And I began to understand that, while I had my part to play in the failure of our relationship, neither of us was solely to blame. And the failure of the relationship did not mean that we were each failures as people.
Also, I began to appreciate that most social media façades are just that - a carefully crafted presentation of life, and not remotely real. And this was true for her. It turned out that her new life was not perfect. She and her new husband are happy enough, but they bicker and argue and disagree, just like everyone else.
And I realized that the life they share, the life that seems to be the life she was after, would never have made me happy. Which explains why we didn’t work, and also why things seem to work for them.
@vanhiep240594 I’m sorry she was ruthless, I hear that a lot when people describe their divorces. I was the complete opposite and basically kindly walked away and let him have the house because he made way more than I make and all that would do is financially strap him which would cause my children to not be able to have as much and participate in sports etc. I don’t ask for alimony either. I simply walked away and live in resentment that you really “don’t get what you give.” I’m trying desperately to find meaning in life because although I love my children dearly I wonder sometimes if they would gradually just get over that I don’t exist and this new person would just fill my shoes. I don’t quite understand what more I could have done. I’m not saying this in a self centered way, but I always was fit and tried to maintain an attractive body even after having 2 children naturally, yet he never wanted me physically, like never. I always put my children’s needs first and quit my job to raise them until they started school, and yet still did part time work at night to bring in some income so he wasn’t financially strapped. All I wanted was someone to enjoy life with. The man wouldn’t even go on a walk with me? And he had zero emotion when we divorced and basically rushed it so he could be this women. He’s an amazing father believe it or not but all of a sudden he’s become this completely different person with her. At the same time I found out I have another brother from my deceased father who was conceived the exact same time my full brother with my mother was. So even my own father was a cheat and liar. How the hell do I believe there are good men out there and trust I would even find one? I know you guys exist and I know there are some horrible horrible women. But how do I even pick myself back up when I have nothing left in me to even try?
vanhiep240594
New member
@yaharise I’m sorry to hear that you are having a hard time with things. While I do resent how my ex behaved at the end, it sounds as if you might have swung too far the other way. There may be a reasonable, happy medium that you could find regarding alimony and child support.
Money certainly helps, but honestly, what your kids want most is your time and attention. I’ve been lucky enough to take my kids to Disney on vacation, but we’ve also been on camping vacations, and both were great trips.
I have been single since the divorce. I’ve received a few overtures in that time, but frankly, parenting and managing my household takes all my time. You might benefit from exploring why you link your happiness with having a partner.
Money certainly helps, but honestly, what your kids want most is your time and attention. I’ve been lucky enough to take my kids to Disney on vacation, but we’ve also been on camping vacations, and both were great trips.
I have been single since the divorce. I’ve received a few overtures in that time, but frankly, parenting and managing my household takes all my time. You might benefit from exploring why you link your happiness with having a partner.
@yaharise I think some men get a huge wakeup call that comes way too late. A lot of people don't really change long-term though, people tend to slip into old habits when they get comfortable. I know it's still hard, but the best thing to do is focus on yourself and your house as much as you can.
Anytime I have to be around my ex-husband, I still am so grateful we are no longer together. I hope things go well for him in his relationship, because I want our kids to see healthy relationships.
Anytime I have to be around my ex-husband, I still am so grateful we are no longer together. I hope things go well for him in his relationship, because I want our kids to see healthy relationships.
But when you have a toxic/narcissistic/lazy/etc. coparent, you start to wonder “Is this arrangement even worth the stress and anguish?”. Sometimes it is, sometimes it really isn’t 
starlightmike
New member
@skupi Parallel parenting instead of coparenting, maybe?
Coparenting can mean, "Working as a team to parent the child even though the two parents aren't romantically involved."
Parallel would be more like, you do your thing, I do mine, without regard for what each other is doing at the other house.
Coparenting can mean, "Working as a team to parent the child even though the two parents aren't romantically involved."
Parallel would be more like, you do your thing, I do mine, without regard for what each other is doing at the other house.
katrina2017
New member
@megbot Pure spite.
My ex got another woman pregnant while we were still living together. And honestly so much other shit, but I’ve decided to have the happiest life without him, out of spite if I have to. Don’t let him win, the less you feed into it, he will eventually get tired of terrorizing you.
My ex got another woman pregnant while we were still living together. And honestly so much other shit, but I’ve decided to have the happiest life without him, out of spite if I have to. Don’t let him win, the less you feed into it, he will eventually get tired of terrorizing you.
@katrina2017 "The best revenge is living well."